by Toni Aleo
Fucking hell.
Running my hand down my face, I look up at her and take her face in my hands. “I’m so sorry that I don’t know what to say right now,” I get out, the lump in my throat hurting as my eyes burn with tears. “I’m sorry we’re in this situation, but I will stand by you and support you in every way possible. This is your body and your choice. I love you, Avery. With everything in my soul.”
Her face is red, her tears not stopping as she holds my gaze. “Will you please go with me?”
That breaks me, and I look away. A tear is rolling down my cheek, but I don’t allow any more. I have to be strong for her. I look up into her gorgeous face and nod. “Yes. Of course.”
She hiccups a sob and covers her face, her cries jerking her body hard. “I’m so scared.”
Holding her tighter, I dust her temple with kisses and whisper, “Me too.”
She turns her face into my neck and just howls with her tears. Closing my eyes as her body rocks against mine, I allow myself to cry with her. We didn’t plan this, and something like this is life-altering. She’s right. We aren’t ready for this. We have a plan, a life to live, one that could be ruined by a child. We aren’t even remotely ready to have a baby. We are young, not only in age but also in our relationship. While I know we will be together forever, and she may know too, she’s already doubted us. Because of that, I have no clue what to say to make her change her mind about the procedure.
I sure as hell don’t know how to tell her I don’t want to go through with it.
I can’t sleep.
Avery fell asleep hours ago, and all I can do is stare at the ceiling.
Trying to figure this out.
I spent most of the night holding her as she cried and then we tried to watch TV, but it was obvious neither of us could pay attention. Both of us were so lost in our thoughts. It just seems so crazy to me. All of it. I mean, yeah, we are pregnant. I’ve got that. But she seems so adamant about the abortion. Like it’s the only option, but is it? I agree giving the baby away is something I couldn’t do either. I know at first glance I would love it just as much as I love its mother. So that’s off the table. But I don’t believe in abortion.
I just don’t.
Lucy was eighteen when she got pregnant with Angie. She didn’t even consider getting rid of my niece. Instead, she got married. Yeah, it ended badly, but not because of her. Because of the douche. Of course it’s sucked and she’s struggled, but she’s happy. She loves her baby and I…I…can’t do this.
But it isn’t my body.
I’m not the one who would carry the child for nine months, who would be Mommy. I’m just Daddy. Am I being naïve here? Can we do this? I have no money—a little saved up from my dad and the ten hours a week I work at the coffee shop. But soon I’ll sign a damn good contract, and then I can take care of her and our child. She could still live her dreams; we’d figure it out, but can I get her to see that?
And then can I even guarantee it will work?
Fuck.
This is too much.
When she stirs against me, rolling onto her back, I look over at her. I can’t help it, I smile. She’s knocked the hell out, probably from crying most of the night. Her lips are parted, drool sliding down the side of her mouth. She’s so beautiful, and as I stare at her, I know she would make a great mom. Yeah, she comes from crap, but she would never treat her children like that. I’ve seen her firsthand with Angie. I know, but does she? Doesn’t she realize she could be the best mom in the world?
Abortion is not the answer for us.
But how do I tell her that?
I close my eyes, my lip trembling as my hand slides onto her flat stomach. I can’t feel anything. I mean, how could I? But one day I would be able to, because my baby is in there. When I look to where my hand rests, the tears start to fall because I’m supposed to stand back and let this happen. Sliding down the bed, I rest my head on her chest, and her hands come up to hold me instinctively. Looking at where her belly lies so flat, I choke back a sob and close my eyes. If this was the right thing to do, wouldn’t it feel like it? Wouldn’t I know? Because what I feel, what I know, is that I want to hold this baby. I don’t think I can stand back and let her do this.
This may be her body, but this is my baby too.
And I can’t let this happen.
But how do I tell her that?
Earlier, I just stared at her. Cried, frozen and speechless as she looked at me, wanting something other than what I could give her. I froze, my bad, but damn it, this isn’t right.
Right?
I’m suffocating.
I need to know I’m not insane.
That I can make this work.
I don’t even really realize what I’m doing until I get up, climbing out of the bed and sliding my feet into my shoes as I throw on a hoodie. Opening the door, hoping I don’t wake Markus or Avery, I shut it and then shoot up the stairs and out into the cold air. Sucking in a deep breath, I look up at the sky and shake my head.
And I know what I have to do.
Soon, I’m full out running to my car, ignoring the burn in my chest or the way my shoes are rubbing on the backs of my ankles.
By the time I pull into my mom’s driveway, I realize I didn’t think this through. The house is pitch black. I really don’t want to wake anyone, but I need to talk to my sister. She’ll tell it the way it is. My mom will sugarcoat it, Jude and Jayden will freak, and my dad, um, no. Lucy, though, she’ll give me the truth even if I don’t like it. I just hope the truth is what I’m thinking because I think I’ve got my mind set.
Parking behind her car, I jump out and walk around the house, dialing her number. “Jace?” she answers sleepily. “What’s wrong?”
“Hey, open your window.”
“Huh?”
I knock on her window. “Open your window.”
“What the hell—”
I hear her moving around and then see the light come on before the blinds go up and she’s looking at me, confused. Hitting the latch, she pushes the window open and looks at me incredulously. “It’s five in the morning.”
I nod. “I need to talk to you.”
“Now?”
“Yes.”
“It’s my only time to sleep,” she whines as I climb over the ledge, but then she eyes me. “Are you crying? I thought you said you and Avery are good?” she whispers and I nod.
“We are.” I swallow around the lump in my throat. That’s for sure. Everything else is a little spotty, but she and I, we are good. “She’s pregnant.”
Lucy pauses. Her eyes widen, her body jerks in surprise, and her mouth drops open as she holds my gaze. She slowly covers her mouth, her eyes falling shut as she shakes her head. “Oh, Jace, I thought you knew better. Wrap it up, dude.”
“We did. Every time,” I say slowly, my heart still not beating right. “When you’re this amazing, your boys break condoms.”
She balks and I try for a smile, but then I just shake my head. I’m lame. “Thank you for that image, Jace.”
“Anytime.” Silence falls between us as she walks to her bed, sitting down before patting the spot beside her.
“So because you are here at five a.m., I’m sure you are freaking out?”
“I am,” I whisper, and when my mouth starts to tremble, I look over at her. “She wants to get an abortion.”
Her eyes widen again as she sucks in a breath. “What?”
“Yeah.” I hold my face in my hands as my elbows dig into my knees. “Lucy, I don’t want that.” She scoots over, her hand moving up and down my back as the other lays flat against my hands. “But I don’t know how to tell her that. She’s so determined, and I think she thinks it’s the only option. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to tell her not to, that we can do this. She was crying, explaining why. She was so sure, but I don’t want to. I want to keep it.”
“Oh, Jace,” she whispers, holding me close. “Are you sure? There is another option. I
know plenty of people who would love to adopt a baby.”
“No. I want my baby,” I say sternly.
She nods. “Okay, so why didn’t you tell her that?”
“I couldn’t speak, and she’d already made the appointment for today before she even told me.”
“Jesus Christ, are you serious?”
“Yeah, I’m telling you, it was insane. I was so overwhelmed.”
“So ask her to cancel it.”
“But it’s not my body,” I stress, and she gives me a dirty look.
“Who the fuck cares? It’s your baby too.”
I try to look up at her, but my tears make her blurry. “That doesn’t matter. It’s her body. Who am I to ask her not to?”
“The father, who wants his child. I really don’t think she wants this. She loves kids. Are you sure? Did she say, ‘I want an abortion’?”
I shrug, a sob bubbling at the base of my throat. “I guess so. I don’t know.”
“Did you ask?”
“No.”
She looks at me incredulously. “Then, Jace, how do you know?”
“I could see it in her eyes. She was convinced this was the only option.”
“And that was the time for you to tell her otherwise. What happened to being honest?”
“I froze,” I admit as her hands come up to wipe my face.
“Jace, you don’t freeze.”
My mouth quirks as I laugh with no humor at all. “On the ice, no. But this, this froze me. I was so overloaded with emotion, and she was so sure. I didn’t know how to tell her I didn’t agree.”
“You have to.”
I pause, biting my lip before glancing over at her. “But what if she still wants to go along with it?”
She looks deep into my eyes and shrugs. “Then I really don’t think y’all will come back from this.”
And that’s what I need. I want honesty and my sister doesn’t play.
“You won’t look at her the same if she does this. You’ll love her, but you’ll forever regret it, and one day you’ll blame her. Be honest, Jace. Reassure her that you guys have got this because I really don’t think she wants to do this. I think she wanted you to step up, tell her you wanted the baby, that you would do this with her, and you didn’t do that. She’s probably scared out of her mind.”
“She is.”
“Then talk to her.”
When my phone sounds, I pull it out of my pocket to see it’s her.
“Speak of the devil,” she mutters, shaking her head.
Avery: Where did you go?
Me: Had to run out to my mom’s house to drop some money off to her.
Avery: At six in the morning?
Me: Yeah, I forgot to tell you last night and I didn’t want to wake you.
“That’s a dumb lie. I don’t know why you’re lying at all. She knows you’re close to us and will tell us,” Lucy says with a yawn.
“Yeah, but I want to talk to her in person.”
“Oh, true.”
“And you can’t tell anyone.”
“I won’t, psycho,” she bites out as my phone goes off again.
Avery: Oh. Well. My appointment is in an hour. Are you gonna be back in time?
“Fuck.”
Lucy shakes her head. “Man, this is a mess.”
“You can say that again,” I say as I text Avery back real quick and I stand up.
Me: I’m so sorry, I’m leaving now. I’ll meet you there. Text me the address.
Avery: Okay.
“Thanks, Lucy. I gotta go.”
She stands with me, kissing my cheek. “Let me know what happens.”
“I will.”
As I go out the window, she grabs my arm. “It will work out, Jace. You two got this.”
I lean toward her, kissing her on the cheek. “Thanks.”
I pray she’s right.
And that Avery thinks the same.
She will.
Now is not the time to stop being cocky.
When I pause, Lucy looks at me as I say, “I forgot something.”
“What?” she asks as I rush through her door and out into the house, but I don’t answer her.
I can’t.
Not yet.
Not until I talk to Avery.
This place is scary.
Looking around the front office, it looks as empty as I feel. I’m the only person in here except for the receptionist, who is making copies of my ID. I want to leave. I wanted the ditch this idea the moment I called and made the appointment when I stepped off the plane.
But this is the only option.
Man, where is Jace? I really need him. I can’t believe he left. When I felt him get up, I didn’t stop him because I thought he was using the bathroom. When he didn’t come back, I assumed he needed some air. Who could blame him? Last night was a clusterfuck of insane, and I’m sure he’s freaked out.
Just as I am.
While I know this is the smartest thing to do, the only logical thing to do, I was really hoping he’d ask me not to. I thought maybe he would want it and then I wouldn’t be so scared. Because this doesn’t feel right. It feels so wrong. Maybe I should just keep it and give it up for adoption. So many people can’t have babies, and I’m doing this? That’s not fair to my baby…shit… Why did I say that? Because now I want to keep it. Truthfully, I wanted to keep it from the beginning, but the fear of doing it on my own has led me to this.
Fucking fear, it ruins lives. It really does.
But I can’t do this on my own. I’m not strong enough. I mean, I might be by the time it comes. I’ve gotten so much better, but I owe that to Jace. He’s helped me grow, to find my confidence, to love myself. And I hoped he would tell me we could do this. I really needed him to tell me I wouldn’t be doing this on my own, that he would be right beside me. He did say he’d stand beside me, but he was frozen in fear. He doesn’t want this. He couldn’t. He’s on the fast track to the top. Where does a baby fit into that? How can a baby fit into it? Especially when I want to do big things, too? God, why wasn’t I smarter? I was so worried about falling for Jace, I didn’t realize what could happen in the process.
A baby.
Our baby.
Fuck, I can’t do this.
Panic shakes my body, my leg is bouncing so hard, and I’m tearing my nails apart. I don’t want this. As my chest goes tight, I know I’m two seconds from having a panic attack.
I have to get the hell out of here.
Standing up, I go to the window, my heart throbbing against my ribs. “Can I have my ID, please?”
The receptionist’s brow rises as she hands it to me. “I was about to call you up. Are you paying cash or credit?”
But I shake my head, my eyes flooding with tears. “Neither.”
Walking away, ignoring her as she calls my name, I push open the door and walk out into the frigid temperatures.
“Oh, thank God,” I breathe, sucking in the cold air and letting it out fast.
I can’t do this.
I won’t do this.
My baby deserves a chance.
I just hope Jace agrees.
As much as I want to keep it, I know that wouldn’t be smart. So maybe adoption is the best choice. I don’t know how he feels, but I can’t do this. I just can’t.
When I hear a car door slam, I look to the left to see Jace running toward me.
“I’m so fucking sorry I’m late,” he says, looking at the building and then me. “You didn’t do it, did you?” he pants, panic in his eyes, and I shake my head.
“No,” I cry and he falls forward, bracing his hands to his thighs, letting out a long breath. Almost in relief.
“Oh, God,” he mutters, causing my brows to come together.
Is that a good “Oh, God” or a bad?
“I’m sorry, Jace, but I can’t. I know I said this is the only option, but it isn’t. We can give it up for adoption. It can have a good life with someone else—”
“Oh
my God,” he yells, standing erect and looking at me with tears filling his eyes. His eyes are bloodshot, his face is red, and God, he looks so tired. “Shut up and let me breathe for a second,” he yells and I pause, surprised, as he pants with tears escaping out of his eyes.
“Are you okay?”
“No,” he yells, his eyes wild as he takes me by my arms. “I thought you got rid of our baby. I thought I was too late,” he cries, sucking in a deep breath, and I can only stare up at him. He is a hot mess. A pair of shorts hangs low on his hips, paired with a hoodie that is obviously too small for his big frame. Running his hands up his face, he knocks his beanie off his head, catching it behind him as he looks up to the sky, pulling in another deep breath. Looking back down at me, he shakes his head. “I don’t want you to do this. I want you to have the baby, with me.”
“What?” I ask, my eyes refilling with tears as my heart goes crazy in my chest. “But last night—”
“Baby, I was freaking the fuck out, and I’m sorry. This shouldn’t have gone this far, but you can’t do this. You can’t give our baby to anyone else either. Yeah, we aren’t ready. Yeah, we are going at the speed of light and our lives don’t need a baby in them right now, but this,” he says, taking a step toward me and pressing his hands to my stomach, “is our child. My blood, your beautiful blood, together. A baby, Avery. Our baby.” Hiccupping a sob, I hold my hands over his as his eyes burn into mine. “Avery, I know we’re young, I know you think this could end, but it won’t. Call me cocky, but I know it won’t.”
“How, Jace—”
“Shh,” he demands, his eyes burning into mine. “I now know why I never loved before you, and that’s because I was waiting for you. You are the one and only woman I will ever love. My last first kiss. I know that because of what I feel when I look into your eyes. I’ve known since the moment I met you. I believe God has a plan for us, and while we thought we already had a plan, this is our plan now. Okay? I mean, do you get everything I’m saying? I know I’m talking a thousand miles a minute, and yeah, I can’t breathe, but Avery, I just fucking know. You’re it. You and our baby.”