by Toni Aleo
I couldn’t agree more.
While before I was scared of what those big things could be, if they would be good or bad, I don’t anymore. I can’t—not when I’m so in love with my husband and my baby.
Life is too good to worry about anything.
I just hope that doesn’t change.
The next two weeks rush by; Thanksgiving is a blur of lots of food and pie. Good Lord, Mrs. Sinclair makes the best pie in the whole world and it was awesome. Thanksgiving with the Sinclairs is way better than with the Haverbrookes. My family was hardly ever together, and even though Jude, Claire, Jayden, and Baylor were not there, it was still a lot of fun. It’s obvious Mrs. Sinclair loves her children and hated that they couldn’t come to dinner, both away for games, but she was still the best host. It’s easy to say I love his family almost as much as I love him. They treat me like I’ve been around my whole life and they are so supportive. Mrs. Sinclair begged me to sing for her, and even Jace’s coach was impressed with my singing. It was awesome.
I just wish I could sing in front of big crowds. Lately, it has been so bad, and I’m even struggling with going to the coffee shop. I don’t know what is going on, but the more I write with Stu, the more I like that no one has to look at me or scrutinize me while I’m singing. Jace says it’s in my head, but I don’t know, it’s just freaking me out. I’m actually nervous about the showcase that is quickly approaching, but Jace reassures me that the whole place will be full of our family, so I have nothing to worry about.
Our family.
God, I love the sound of that.
While the last two weeks have been full of hockey, writing, and holidays, I have been excited for today. Today we find out what we are having, and I’m totally ready. As I sit in the lobby of the 4-D ultrasound office, Jace sits beside me, bouncing like a two-year-old as we wait to be called back. We are both so excited that we can’t even speak as we watch the door, ready to go back. Rubbing my little belly, I glance over at Jace when he looks at me.
“Why am I nervous?”
I smile. “I have no clue.”
“Are you nervous?”
I shrug. “No, why would I be?”
“I don’t know. So you’re not?”
“I am now!” I laugh and he smiles sheepishly.
“I just want it to be perfect.”
“It will be,” I say and he leans over, kissing my cheek.
“Coming from me and you? Yeah, you’re right.”
“Like always.” He gives me a look I grin at before shaking his head and looking back at the door. Rocking back and forth in the chair, I bite on the inside of my cheek as nervousness settles in the middle of my gut. I blame him completely. But unlike him, I’m not nervous about the appointment. I’m nervous because afterward we are meeting my parents for dinner. They came in early, like my mom had said. That surprises me but also makes me happy, I guess. I don’t know. I’m trying not to get my hopes up.
When Jace’s hand slides into mine, I cover it with my other hand and smile over at him as he says, “I think I want a boy.”
I laugh. “Okay, let the technician know. Hopefully, they have boys left.”
He gives me a look and I grin. “You still want a boy, right?”
I shrug. “I just want a healthy little nugget. That’s it.”
He gives me a look. “So, a boy?”
Laughing, I nod. “Yeah, a boy.”
I’ve always wanted a son first, someone to be the rock for his siblings. I always craved that and never got it, so I want to teach my kids right. A boy would be great, but then a little girl to be best friends with would be wonderful too. I don’t know. I really do just want a healthy baby.
“Me too, but then a little girl like you could be awesome.”
Putting my chin against his bicep, I grin up at him. “This is true. I am awesome.”
“I fully agree,” he says, kissing my nose just as the door opens.
We both sit up straight as the lady calls, “Sinclair?”
I stand first and hold my hand up. “Here.”
“Dork, we aren’t in school,” Jace teases, standing up and smacking my butt. I glare playfully up at him as we follow the technician to the back.
“So Avery and Jace, right?”
I smile. “Yup.”
“Awesome. My name is Marilu and I’ll be your technician.”
“Great,” I say as Jace flashes her a winning grin.
“So what we hoping for?”
“Boy,” we both say at the same time and then we share a smile.
“But a healthy baby is key.”
“For sure,” she agrees as I lie back on the table and lift my shirt. I haven’t gained much weight, very little actually, but I’m carrying it all in my belly. Lucy says that’s awesome and I hope it stays like that. But knowing me and my love for anything sweet, I’m sure my ass will double in size before I know it. “Okay, this is heated gel but it’s still a little cold. My heater isn’t working right.”
When the goo goes on my belly, I flinch a little because it’s colder than she let on. Looking over to Jace, he’s white as a ghost again, practically leaning over me to watch as she puts the probe on my belly. It so cute how he gets with all my appointments. He says he will be fine during the birth, but I highly doubt that. He’ll probably pass out.
At first, I can’t tell what we are looking at, but then I see limbs and a head. I was sure I was going to cry. I thought seeing our little nugget would send me into a crazy crying fit, but I’m good, I’m excited. Jace is grinning from ear to ear as he points at the screen.
“That’s it?”
“That’s it,” Marilu says as she moves the probe. “And that’s the heartbeat,” she says, pointing to the screen, and yeah, I start crying. I don’t know why, but tears are gushing down my face as the little flicker of light goes nuts in our baby’s chest. For some reason, I’ve been thinking we live in a fairy world because, while my belly is growing, it feels fake to me. I don’t know, it’s crazy, but seeing that heartbeat makes it real.
This is really happening.
Panic fills my chest because what if I’m a horrible mom? What if Jace leaves me? Oh God, can I do this myself? Closing my eyes, I suck in a deep breath and then Jace is wrapping me up in his arms, dusting kisses down my jaw.
“Are you okay?” Marilu asks and I feel Jace wave her off.
“Give us a second, please.”
“Sure,” she says and I feel the probe leave my belly. But I can’t move, I’m crying too hard.
“Shh, baby. In and out,” he whispers and I pull in deep breaths, letting them out slowly as I nuzzle my nose into his neck.
“What if I suck? What if the baby hates me? What if you don’t—”
“Avery, shh, baby, breathe,” he demands, running his hand up and down my arm. “It’s okay. We got this, remember? Together.”
“I don’t know why I’m freaking out so bad. It’s just so real. I saw it.”
“Yup, our baby, it’s okay.”
“But what if it’s not? What if while you’re traveling, I freak out because I’m overwhelmed and I’m all by myself with the baby? What did we do, Jace? Oh, God.”
“Whoa, baby,” he says, holding me closer to him. “We will be okay. No matter what, it’s okay. Please breathe.”
“I’m scared, Jace. I’m so scared.”
“No, you think you are. Breathe,” he demands and when he draws in a breath, I do the same, letting it out when he does. We do this over and over again. As my heart slows in my chest, my breathing going back to normal, I know he’s right. Five seconds ago, I was excited for this. I want this, I know I do, but it was just really real for a second there. Sometimes I feel like it’s all so perfect that I psych myself out. I make myself think things I shouldn’t. I should just be happy. I should just love Jace, and I’m working on that, I am. But one thing is for damn sure. I wouldn’t be handling anything well without this guy right here.
Pulling my face o
ut from his neck, I suck in a breath and look at him. His eyes are full of worry as he watches me intently. I shrug slowly. “Sorry.”
He waves me off. “It’s cool. I’ve always got you, remember?”
My lip quivers as I smile shyly. “I freaked out.”
“I know. It’s okay.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing. You gotta remember who is in control—you are. Don’t let those fucked-up thoughts mess you up. Just remember I love you and I’ve got you. Together, remember? We can do anything together.”
“You’re right,” I say, pulling in another big breath. “It’s so hard sometimes.”
“I know. That’s why I’m here. To remind you.”
As my heart explodes in my chest, I lean into him, kissing the bridge of his nose. “Thank you.”
He grins, kissing my top lip as the door opens and Marilu comes in, holding a cup of water. She hands it to me, and I smile as I take a long pull of it, the coolness calming me down more. I give the cup back to her and she smiles. “Better?”
“Yes, thank you.”
“Can we continue, or do you need more time?”
I shake my head. “No, we can continue. I’m so sorry.”
She waves me off as Jace pins me with a look. “Stop apologizing.”
I smile and she grins back as she sits down, putting more goo on my belly. When the probe hits my belly, it doesn’t take long until the facial features of our baby are on the screen.
“Aw, it has your nose,” I gush as Jace kisses the back of my hand. “My chin.”
“And cheeks,” he adds and I smile.
“It’s beautiful.”
“It is.”
“Okay, let’s find out what this little bit is. It’s got big shoulders, from Daddy obviously.”
Jace grins at that and I smile as she moves the probe over and then turns it each way until a wide grin comes over her face. “See it?”
I don’t. I don’t see anything. Looking back at Jace, his face is twisted in confusion as he shakes his head. “I don’t see anything.”
“Because it’s a girl.”
Gasping, I look back at Jace as he looks at me and then we are both grinning.
A girl.
Our girl.
A girl.
Holy shit, it’s a girl.
I’d better get a gun.
As Avery giggles and raves about the appointment to Lucy, I try to concentrate on driving. It isn’t working, though. My mind is flooded with thoughts of her—my daughter and who she will be. Will she like hockey? Or be a princess? Or both? She looks like a good mix of both of us, and I still can’t believe what I saw. What I felt. When the probe revealed my daughter, it took everything for me to find my next breath. It was love at first sight. Just like it was when I saw Avery for the first time and that scares me. If she’s got me this wrapped up and she isn’t even here yet, no telling what will go down when she gets here. Man, I just want to meet her because I love her already.
With my whole heart.
“I know! They can be best friends.”
I smile as I pull on to the road that leads to the Loveless Cafe where we are meeting Avery’s parents.
“I know. He is freaking out, I think. He hasn’t said much.”
“I’m fine. I’m excited,” I say and she flashes me a grin as Lucy and my mom scream on the other end. Apparently, everyone was hoping for a girl.
So was I.
“Cool, yeah, okay. I’ll call you back later. We are almost there. Thanks, I will. Okay, bye.”
Hanging up the phone, she lays it in her lap and she’s just beaming. I’m so thankful too, because for a second there, I was worried. She scared the shit out of me and I didn’t expect that, but that’s how it is with her anxiety. It can come at any moment. But thankfully, I knew right away that something was wrong. Being around her almost all the time now, I’m learning the signs and I’ve figured out how to help. It makes me feel good that I can help her, that I can calm her down because I hate seeing her like that. But it’s fine. I’ve got her, and together, we can beat this.
“Oh my God, are you excited?”
I lace my fingers with hers when she grabs my hand, bouncing in her seat. “Yeah, baby, I am.”
“A little girl. Eek! So cool.”
“For sure,” I agree, squeezing her hands as I try to push the nervousness out of my chest. I don’t want to be nervous to meet her mom and dad, but I’m still worried he could fuck with my career. I haven’t told Avery that, but it’s weighing heavily on me and I really don’t even want to go to dinner.
But I will.
Grinning over at her because I feel her watching me, I say, “So, no Gretzky for a girl, huh?”
She rolls her eyes. “No, but I like your idea from before about something J and A.”
“Okay, cool, so we’ll go with that.”
“Okay,” she says as I pull into the café. “Do you still like Ashlyn?”
I nod. “Yeah, didn’t you pair it with Joy?”
“I did,” she says with a grin. “I love when you listen to me.”
I scoff. “You’re crazy, but I do like Ashlyn Joy.”
She nods, saying the name a few times before grinning up at me. “Did we just name our baby girl?” she gushes and I laugh.
“If Ashlyn Joy Sinclair sounds good to you, I love it.”
“Eek! I do… I think. What if I change my mind?”
Laughing out loud, I shake my head. “Baby, we’ve got plenty of time to decide.”
She nods as she scrolls through her phone. “You’re right. Okay, let’s go in.”
Leaning over, she kisses my cheek. But before pulling away, she eyes me. “You’re nervous to meet my parents, aren’t you?”
I swallow hard. “No.”
“Liar.”
“Just a little bit.”
“Don’t be. They’ll love you.”
“Liar,” I accuse and she laughs.
“Yeah, I don’t know what is going to happen, but at least we are doing it together, right?” she says hopefully and I nod.
“Yup, let’s go,” I say, kissing her lips before getting out and going around to get her. When we turn, a couple is coming toward us and I assume they are Avery’s parents. They are both smiling. The lady looks a lot like my wife, the same frame and long dark hair like Avery’s. The guy is Benedict Haverbrooke, a very tall man with thinning hair and bushy eyebrows. Avery has his eyes, though. But his sons favor him while Avery does her mother.
Swallowing hard, Avery squeezes my hand as Benedict breathes, “Avery.”
Her mom’s eyes fill with tears as she holds out her arms. “Look at your little belly.”
Avery lets go of me, going into her mother’s arms. I suck in a breath as she kisses Avery’s cheeks, pressing her hand on my daughter’s home. Benedict presses his lips to Avery’s forehead before looking her over. “You look good.”
“I am,” she answers. “I’m really good.”
Her mom takes hold of her, clutching her by her arms. “Before anything else happens, I need to apologize for that phone call. I was shocked, and I was wrong for what I said. I’m so sorry.”
Avery’s eyes cloud with tears as she stares into her mother’s eyes. “We both are,” her dad adds. “We wanted to do this in person.”
Avery doesn’t say anything for a moment, but I can see the relief, the joy on her face as she nods. “Thank you.”
Looking over at me, Benedict smiles. “And this is Jace Sinclair, my new son-in-law?”
Avery turns to me, a smile on her face as I hold my hand out, taking Benedict’s. “Yes, sir. Nice to meet you.”
“You too,” he says sincerely, shaking my hand hard. “Hate that it has taken so long.”
“Agreed.”
Letting go of my hand, he looks back at Avery and smiles. “She’s in one piece.”
I grin as I nod. “She is.”
“This is her mother, my wife, Thea.” Avery’s m
om comes to me, her eyes scrutinizing me as she glares. Swallowing loudly, I hold out my hand, taking hers as I flash her a grin. Usually, my grin works on women, but apparently, not this one.
“I’ve heard a lot about you.”
My mouth quirks. “Good things, I hope?”
Her eyes narrow. “My son, Avery’s twin, used to play with you.”
“He did, good player.”
“He is. He’s going into the draft this year, too.”
I nod. “Yeah, I heard they are saying he’ll be top three.”
“Or first,” she says but I grin.
“No disrespect, but that’s my spot,” I say with a wink, but she still doesn’t smile. Thinking fast, I grin as Avery comes into my side, and I say, “Gotta go big so I can take care of my wife and daughter.”
“It’s a girl?” Thea gushes and Benedict’s face breaks into a huge smile.
“Yeah, we are so excited,” Avery says, holding me tight.
“How sweet. Oh, all the things we can buy,” Thea says, pulling Avery from me and into her side. Avery looks back at me, but I shake my head, smiling as her mother gushes over her. She needs this and they are trying, I feel. The moment I think they aren’t, though, we are out.
“So a girl, huh? They’re hard,” Benedict says and I look over at him, matching his stride as we follow behind our wives. “I could never click with Avery the way I should have. It was easy with the boys, but with her, it was a challenge.”
I don’t answer because I don’t agree. My mom was great with all of us and so was my dad until he turned into a cheating bastard. I plan to be the same with my child, but I nod to keep my composure with my new in-laws. I trust them as far as I can throw them, and by the size of Benedict, he won’t go far.
“I still love her, a lot.”
I nod. “I do too.”
“I’m sure you do, but you’ll see. The love between a father and his daughter is something very special.”
“I look forward to that relationship.”
Because I know I’ll do a hundred times better than he did.
But what do I know because, during dinner, they are actually very sweet to Avery and even me. I still don’t like them and I’m sure they don’t like me, but we are all civil. I can tell Avery is eating it up too. As much as she didn’t want to get her hopes up, I know she has. I just hope they don’t let her down. As dessert is served, Avery leans into me, grinning, and I smile down at her.