by Blair Grey
I let myself think about it for a moment. I knew that fucking my way to oblivion was no way to go about things. It wouldn’t be fair to either Tara or me. I needed to deal with the thoughts going through my head. Regardless, I had to admit that I wanted her. I wanted her long legs wrapped around my waist, and I wanted to peel back those layers hiding her true self. I wanted to see what she was really like, naked and laid bare, no longer the immaculate ice queen but something else entirely.
But it clearly wasn’t going to happen today, and I wasn’t about to chase her. She knew that I was involved with Red Eyes, and I had to respect her if she didn’t want to get tangled up in that and wanted to keep her distance. If she called me, I’d love to take her to bed and fuck her raw. But if she didn’t call me, there were plenty of other women in the city, or I could deal with things like an adult—the way that I was really supposed to.
Out in the parking lot, Tara lingered for a moment. “Things are going to get better,” she finally said. “I know you’re worried, but trust me. You’re the first MC member that I’ve ever had to deal with, but I imagine that just like with everything else, this is going to pass. Things will work out better than you think they’re going to.”
“I sure hope so,” I said, fighting the urge to sigh. I wished I could have the optimism that she had. I knew part of it was that she just didn’t understand. To her, the danger wasn’t real. She didn’t know what could happen if things went sour with Lex or if someone else decided to attack us. Or heaven forbid, if a couple different clubs decided to attack all at once. That would definitely be the end of us. It would be chaos.
Chaos that the sheriff wouldn’t be able to ignore. A surefire way to get all of us thrown into jail.
But still, even though Tara’s words came off as slightly naive, there was something about it that I appreciated. I wanted to believe that things were going to be okay. And I appreciated that she wanted me to feel better about things. Again, I was tempted to say something else, to ask if she wanted to get dinner sometime.
No, though. It was up to her. That was for the best.
She gave a quick wave as she walked off, and I waved back, feeling like I was losing something important. My phone rang before I could dwell on it though. Grant.
I frowned, wondering if something had happened while they were all celebrating. Or maybe he was drunk now and panicking about his newfound duties. When I picked up the phone, though, he sounded remarkably normal.
“Hey, do you think we could talk tomorrow?” he asked without preamble.
I got a sinking feeling in my gut. I just knew that something must be wrong. But still, what was I going to do? I nodded my head and then realized he couldn’t see it. “Yeah, we’ll talk tomorrow,” I agreed. “Let’s get lunch.”
“Great,” Grant said. He hung up before I could even think of what to ask.
Now the question was: Was the problem with Grant, with Lex, or something else entirely? Did I even want to know? Not for the first time that day, I wished that Ray were still there, and that he could be the one to sort all of this out. I wanted to go back to just being the treasurer of the club, but wishes couldn’t bring back the dead.
Things are going to get better, that was what Tara had said. God, I just hoped that she was right. And that they didn’t get worse before they got better.
10
Tara
I paused in the front hallway of the house, listening to Maddie and Sam in the other room. I could hear Sam laughing and Maddie giggling as well. It brought a smile to my face, and for a moment, all my worries from earlier melted away.
Maddie poked her head into the hallway. “It is you,” she said, sounding happy to see me. “I thought I heard something. Everything okay at the funeral home?”
“Yeah, everything’s fine, and I managed to get quite a bit ready for tomorrow,” I told her.
“You didn’t have to stay late to do that,” Maddie protested. “We could have done it together in the morning.”
“I know. But one of the guys, Cameron, wasn’t ready to leave yet anyway, so I stayed for a little bit just to make sure that he was okay."
“Huh,” Maddie said, frowning at me. And I knew that there was no hiding things from her. She had always been able to see right through me when I was keeping something from her. Sure enough: “What aren’t you telling me?”
I shrugged, putting my keys down on the front table and kicking off my heels. “I got coffee with Cameron afterward. That’s why I’m really late,” I explained.
Maddie’s eyes widened. “Jesus, Tara, what the hell?” she asked, sounding appalled. “Do you realize what you’re doing? Who you’re dealing with?”
“Yeah, yeah,” I said, waving away her words. “I know that the stories about Red Eyes are terrible. But I also have seen a lot of people grieving in my time in this industry, and I could tell that he didn’t really have anyone to turn to.”
“So you decided he was the person that you should be the Good Samaritan to?” Maddie groaned. “What happened to not wanting to be on their radar?”
“I’m not,” I said. “He was nice, he was respectful, and he didn’t ask for anything more.” He did tell me that I could call him if I wanted to see him again, but he had left it open to me. I wasn’t going to tell Maddie about that part, though; she was already beside herself.
Maddie shook her head. “Look, I wish I could be glad that you apparently took my advice and went out with a guy, but I wish you would have picked a different guy. You just don’t need to get involved in that.”
“You don’t even know what that is,” I pointed out. “And I’m not involved. He just needed someone to talk to. He didn’t take me back to his house to do drugs with me or anything.”
“Well, I want you to promise me that you’re never going to see that man again,” Maddie said, narrowing her eyes at me, and I wondered if she could tell that I was interested in him. But then again, more than that, it was probably just that Maddie realized exactly how attractive the man was. She had eyes of her own. Eyes and a libido of her own.
I could still hear Sam in the other room, and I remembered my fears from before, that I would somehow cause something horrible to happen. That I would ruin our comfortable existence by getting in over my head, so it was easy enough to shrug my shoulders at Maddie and nod my head. “Sure thing,” I said. “I promise I’ll never see that man again.”
It made something twinge in my heart, just saying it. I didn’t want to never see him again, honestly. I had enjoyed the coffee. He was the first male that I’d really spoken with in a while, other than Sam, but Sam didn’t really count since the things that he and I talked about were things that were appropriate to a five-year-old.
I got plenty of adult conversation with Maddie, of course, but it was that same thing. Sometimes, I just felt like something was missing. That there was some hole there that a man might fill, if I could only let him in. I didn’t want to be with Cameron or anything like that, but it would be nice to have a friend.
I wasn’t going to risk things with Sam, though, not for the sake of a friendship. I would have to look elsewhere, even if I hated the thought of it.
Sam chose that moment to run in from the living room, launching himself at my legs and trying to wrestle me to the ground. I couldn’t help laughing at his attempts. “Hey, squirt,” I said, kneeling down next to him and scooping him into a big hug. “How was your day?”
“It was the best,” Sam said as he frequently did. It seemed like for him, every new day was the best day. I wished I had that same kind of attitude. I wondered where he had gotten that optimism from because as much as I hated to say it, it hadn’t come from me. At least, I didn’t think it had. I made the best of every situation, but more out of a sense of survival than anything else.
“I guess I should probably get out of your hair,” Maddie said, smiling at us.
“Thanks so much again for picking him up today,” I told Maddie. “I seriously don’t know wh
at I would do without you.”
I didn’t know why I was so worried about having a partner. About having someone there to pick up the slack. Maddie was always so wonderful about helping me out, about being there for me in those ways. I gave her an extra tight hug before she left, grinning as Sam hugged both of our legs with equal might.
It might not be a “real family” like Sam wanted, but it sure felt like one to me. I didn’t need anything else in this.
Except for how I felt like maybe I did. Whatever it was that I was looking for, though, Cameron wasn’t the answer. He was trouble, and I knew that. But aybe it was time to start getting back into the dating game. Not for anything serious, but just for the sake of having a little fun every so often. I could get a babysitter one night, and Maddie and I could go out together for a girls’ night like we used to. I liked the idea of that.
That night was quiet around the house, just Sam and me, and that felt all right too. I bent down and kissed his forehead as I tucked him into bed. You know I’d never do anything to hurt you, I thought, even though I didn’t say the words out loud.
Sam smiled up at me, but I could tell that there was a question in his eyes. I hoped it wasn’t another one about when Maddie and I were going to start dating.
Instead, it was much more serious than that. “Mommy, why don’t I have a daddy like all the other kids?” he asked.
I sighed and sat down on the edge of his bed, smoothing the comforter around him. It was one of those questions that I had known was coming for a while now, but I’d been hoping I could put it off for a little longer. “Why do you ask?” I asked, wanting to know the entirety of his question before I even tried to explain.
Sam shrugged. “At school. We’re talking about families around the world. And how some families have more brothers and sisters and cousins than others. But I don’t have any brothers or sisters or cousins, and I don’t even have a daddy. It’s just you and me.”
“And Maddie,” I reminded him, even though I knew that was probably one of those difficult things for him to explain at school since Maddie technically wasn’t related to us. I just hoped his teacher wasn’t one of those educators who tried to tell him that Maddie couldn’t be his auntie if she wasn’t my sister.
I didn’t want to talk about why he didn’t have a daddy, I realized. Not tonight. Not yet. I wanted him to keep his childlike innocence for a little longer. I didn’t know how to explain to him that he’d had a daddy but that his daddy hadn’t wanted him, even before he had seen what a wonderful kid Sam could be.
“We’ll talk about it another night,” I said softly, and Sam sighed but nodded at me.
“Okay,” he said because even at his most curious, he respected me when I said we’d talk about something some other time. “Good night.” He held out his arms so he could give me another hug.
I bent down and gave him one last hug and kiss, and then I left the room, turning on the night-light and shutting the door carefully behind me as I went.
Outside, I leaned against the hallway wall, thinking about it. Imagining the family we might have been. But it was hard to remember what I had expected when I had first found out that I was pregnant. Those dreams had been dashed almost immediately afterward. Sam’s dad wanted nothing to do with me once he found out that I was pregnant and planning on keeping the baby. We’d always talked about having kids, but faced with the reality of it, things had just been too much for him.
He hadn’t been interested. And that was that.
The more I tried to picture that family with him, the more the faces started to blur. The more I started to think about someone like Cameron in the place of Sam’s real dad. Someone strong, someone who would listen, someone who had that same depth of feeling that I had seen that afternoon. Someone who wasn’t afraid to admit when he was afraid. I could tell that Cameron was, in some ways, the glue that held the MC together, even if he wasn’t its leader. He was the one looking out for everyone else, getting rid of the bad guys.
I shook my head. I wasn’t going to get tangled up in anything with him. I just couldn’t. I had to keep Sam safe. That was my number one priority.
Even if it got lonely sometimes.
11
Cameron
I headed over to the diner on Wednesday to meet Grant for lunch, still trying not to let my doom-and-gloom feelings get the better of me. I found myself over and over again remembering what Tara had said about things getting better. I wasn’t sure how much I believed her—because it certainly didn’t seem like things were going to get better anytime soon—but I liked the idea that she might be right.
Anyway, I tried to remind myself that I shouldn’t be the one who was so worried about the club. That was Grant’s job. He was the leader now. I wanted to make sure that he was okay. I had promised Ray that much. But any decisions about Lex or the rest of them were up to Grant. It was off my shoulders.
This was, after all, the whole reason why I would make a terrible president and why I hadn’t wanted the position in the first place: I worried a little too much about all of this stuff.
I slid into the booth across from Grant, automatically noting how pale he looked. There were circles beneath his eyes, and I wondered if he had slept at all the previous night. I hadn’t slept much myself, but I at least I looked better than he did.
“What’s up?” I asked.
Grant tried a smile, but it looked more like a grimace. “I don’t know if I can do this,” he said before he even said hello.
“Do what?” I asked, even though I was afraid that I already knew.
Grant gave me a look, warning me not to play dumb. I sighed. What I wanted to say was that he had picked a piss-poor time to try to back out of things. That he should have done that while Ray was still alive. Hell, if he didn’t think that he wanted the position, he should have never accepted it in the first place. He knew what was going to happen. He knew that Ray was sick.
I had a hard time feeling any sort of remorse for him, especially since if he backed out, I didn’t know who we were going to end up with instead. It might end up being someone from one of the other branches of Red Eyes, someone who we didn’t know or trust.
Someone that Lex would have no reason to make an agreement with.
No, we needed Grant, and he needed to get over whatever was going through his head right now.
“Look, Grant.” I sighed. “I know you haven’t always felt like you fit into the club, but I thought things had been better lately. That you were ready for this. Ray and I both agreed that you were going to make a great leader. I know you’re still worried, but—”
Grant cut me off with a sarcastic laugh. “Come on, don’t patronize me,” he said. “Cut the crap.”
I blinked at him. It was the first time Grant had ever been so short with me, and even though it was probably a good thing, I could feel my blood start to boil. If he didn’t want my advice, why had he asked me to get lunch with him?
I half stood up, getting ready to leave, and just like that, Grant deflated. He stared at the table, picking at the edge of his menu. “I have a baby on the way,” he admitted.
I swore under my breath. What terrible timing, not that I would say that to him. No wonder he was so unsure about all of this. If he and Holly were expecting, the last thing he would want was a huge target on his back. Not that I’d ever had any dreams of starting a family of my own or anything.
Unbidden, an image of Tara came into my head. I thought about the kind of danger she could be in if I started sleeping with her now, right on the eve of whatever Lex was planning. I couldn’t do that to her. And suddenly, I understood a lot about how Grant felt.
But again, it was too late to be having a conversation like this. He had been with Holly for a while now, and he should have aired his concerns about the presidential position before Ray died if that’s what he was worried about.
“They’re just not going to respect me,” Grant continued.
I rolled my eyes. “Ray
had a daughter,” I reminded him. “We all saw the way he doted on Belle, but no one ever disrespected him because of it.”
“That’s different, though,” Grant said, shaking his head. “Ray had Belle after he was already leader of Red Eyes. Everyone knew what he was capable of long before she came on the scene. But me, they’re just going to think of me as a family man. Not any sort of leader.”
“Then you’re going to have to fix that,” I said, shrugging at him. “If you don’t think that the guys are going to respect you, you need to give them a reason to respect you. Before your kid is born. I’m assuming we still have some months to go?”
“Yeah, but short of fighting someone, what am I supposed to do?” Grant asked, sounding frustrated.
I raised an eyebrow at him. “It doesn’t have to be something violent to prove that you’re a leader,” I said mildly. “Show that you’re looking out for the club. That’s as good a start as any. That conversation that we had with Lex yesterday? Everyone else deserves to know about it, too, don’t you think? The more people we can have looking out for the club, in the wake of Ray’s death, the better things are going to be.”
“You’re right, I guess.” Grant sighed. “So I need to talk about it with everyone at next Monday’s meeting.”
I stared at him in disbelief. “Or seeing as you’re the leader of the club, you could call a meeting for tomorrow, get everyone together, and make sure that everyone has the information sooner rather than later,” I said, wondering why this was so hard for him to understand. The kid really didn’t have a clue.
I knew that he was going to get better at this. That it would just take him a little bit of time to get used to the fact that he had all the power now. That he was the one calling the shots. But at the same time, it felt like I basically had to hold his hand. I hoped he would start doing better soon, or else I was going to go crazy.