by Adele Abbott
“Of course it is.”
I made the call.
“Ike Cann, speaking.”
“It’s Jill Maxwell.”
“Who?”
“Sorry, you know me as Jill Gooder. I recently got married. I have a bit of a zombie issue.”
“Could you give me the passphrase, please?”
Oh no. It was ages since I’d had to use that. “Was it, I hate one-eyed cats?”
“No, sorry.”
“Was it food related?”
“I can’t give any hints.”
“Hold on. I remember now. Crazy just got crazier.”
“That’s it. How can I help, Jill?”
“There are four zombies in my neighbour’s back garden; in his hot tub.”
“The Zs do love a hot tub.”
“Can you send someone around?”
“I wish I could, but we’ve been inundated with calls tonight. All our operatives are tied up at the moment.”
“Great!”
“I could talk you through what to do if you like.”
“I assume I shoot them in the head with a thunderbolt, don’t I?”
“You could, but it won’t be easy to get all of them while they’re splashing around in the tub. There’s a much easier way.”
“I’m listening.”
“If the Zs were to suddenly find themselves out of the water, the shock would close down their systems for a short time. That would make it much easier for you to eliminate them. Does that help?”
“More than you can imagine. Thanks, Ike.”
I definitely saw a two birds with one stone opportunity here.
“Is someone coming to help?” Jack said, once I’d finished on the call.
“They don’t have anyone available.”
“What are we going to do, then?”
“It’s alright. I can handle this. You stay here while I go and sort them out.”
“Okay.”
“Shouldn’t you say something like: No, I can’t let you go out there all alone?”
“But they’re zombies.”
“Wuss!”
I threw on some clothes, made my way outside, and scaled the fence into Mr Ivers’ garden. In the hot tub, the zombies were having a whale of a time, splashing around and making the most awful noises. When I glanced back at the house, I spotted Jack looking out through the bedroom window; he gave me an encouraging thumbs up.
The zombies must have caught my scent because suddenly they all moved towards my side of the tub.
“Hiya, guys. Having a good time?”
They splashed around frantically as they tried to reach me.
“That’s not very friendly, is it?” I cast a ‘thunderbolt’ spell, which tore a hole in the bottom of the hot tub. The plan worked almost perfectly—the water emptied in no time at all, leaving the four zombies lying on the floor of the tub. That made them an easy target for me to destroy with four more thunderbolts.
There was one minor problem: When the water came cascading through the hole in the tub, it knocked me off my feet, and sent me sliding across Mr Ivers’ patio. By the time I’d destroyed all the zombies and got back into the house, I was wet, cold and very muddy.
Jack came downstairs, and met me at the door. “You’re not coming in the house like that, are you? You’ll ruin the carpet.”
“What do you expect me to do? Strip off here on the doorstep?”
“It’s dark. No one will see you.”
“Fine!”
“That’s a very sexy striptease,” he said, as I stepped out of my jeans.
“Shut up! I’m not in the mood.”
“What are you going to do about Mr Ivers’ hot tub?”
“What do you mean?”
“You blew a whopping great hole in it.”
“Oh dear. I did, didn’t I?”
“What shall I say if he asks if I know what happened to it?”
“Tell him that it was the only way to get rid of the zombies.”
“Now you’re being silly.”
***
“I sometimes think that all this must be a dream, and any minute now, I’ll wake up,” Jack said over breakfast.
“You mean you can’t believe that you’ve landed such a good catch as me?”
“I actually meant the zombies, ghosts and paranormal whatnot.”
“I’ll thank you not to refer to me as a whatnot.”
“I didn’t mean you, my beautiful little witch.” He gave me a kiss.
“Get away from me with those muesli lips.”
“I still feel bad about Mr Ivers’ hot tub.”
“Me too.” Snigger. “I’m really sorry I had to do that.”
“You don’t look very sorry. Couldn’t you have repaired it with magic?”
“I would have done if I could,” I lied. “But the ‘thunderbolt’ spell does a lot of damage. Remember that the next time you cross me.”
“You wouldn’t hurt your favourite human, would you?”
“Not as long as you treat me like a princess and pander to my every whim.”
When I left for work, I wasn’t totally surprised to find a certain someone waiting to pounce.
“Jill!”
“Morning, Monty.”
“Did you happen to hear anything last night?”
“Only the shouting and singing coming from your hot tub guests.”
“I’m sorry if they were a little loud, but I meant after my guests had left; sometime after midnight?”
“No, I slept like a log last night. Why?”
“Someone has vandalised my hot tub.”
“No!” I looked suitably shocked. “Who would do something like that?”
“It’s jealousy if you ask me. I’ve seen one or two of the neighbours eyeing it.”
“You don’t think Jack or I would—?”
“Of course not. You’re both beyond reproach.”
“Does that mean you’ll have to get rid of it?”
“I hope not. I’m going to try to find someone to repair it.”
“I doubt that’ll be possible. That’s one heck of a hole in the side.”
“How do you know?”
Oh bum! What had I just said? I really had to start engaging my brain before opening my mouth.
“I—err—figured it must be bad for you to be so upset.”
“It is, actually. If there had been thunderstorms last night, I would have thought it had been struck by lightning.”
“Sorry, but I have to get going, Monty. Hadn’t you better be making tracks, too?”
“There’s no hurry. I rarely get any customers in the shop.”
“Before what time?”
“Ever.”
Oh dear.
***
I’d had a call from Aunt Lucy who’d told me that Cuppy C was open again, so after parking the car in Washbridge, I magicked myself over there.
Pearl and Mindy were behind the counter in the tea room.
“Hey, you two. I’m glad to see the old place is open again. I’ve missed you.”
“You mean you’ve missed our muffins.” Pearl knew me much too well.
“Is it safe in here now? The building isn’t likely to collapse, is it?”
“It’s perfectly safe. The builder that Mum recommended has worked wonders. Would you like to take a look at the creche?”
“Definitely.”
Mindy stayed behind to man the counter while Pearl led the way upstairs.
“It looks so different up here.” I was truly blown away by the transformation of the upper floor. “This room is much bigger than I expected it to be.”
“We still have to get it decorated and buy furniture and toys.”
“I really do think this is going to work. When do you expect to open?”
“We reckon a couple more weeks ought to see the room finished, but it will also depend on how quickly we can set someone on to work up here.”
“How are the interviews going?”
“I might be interviewing staff as well soon.”
“Is Mrs V leaving?”
“No, I’m thinking of setting on an office manager.”
“Are you joking? I can never tell.”
“Why would I be joking?”
“What would they manage, exactly?”
“They’d be responsible for organising the office and me, so that I have more time to do actual investigation work.”
“Hmm?” She rolled her eyes.
“What does that mean?”
“You’re too much of a control freak to allow anyone to organise you.”
“That’s absolutely not true.”
“It so is. You’re always telling us what we should and shouldn’t do.”
“That’s only because I’m trying to ensure you avoid a repetition of past mistakes. Don’t you remember the chocolate fountain? Or the conveyor belt?”
“You’re never going to let us forget about those, are you?”
“How could anyone forget those?”
“Come on, Jill. I’d better get back downstairs because it starts to get busy around this time.”
Back in the tea room, Mindy seemed to be coping.
“I’ve put your coffee and muffin over there, Jill.”
“Thanks. You seem to have settled in here nicely now.”
“I have. I’m really enjoying it.” She hesitated. “Most of the time, anyway.”
“She’s talking about last Thursday, aren’t you?” Pearl said.
Mindy nodded.
“What happened?” I took a bite of muffin.
“Nothing much,” Pearl said. “We had a rowdy customer in here, that’s all. It happens. Amber had to ask her to leave.”
“Her?”
“Yeah, she wasn’t the typical culprit. We normally get trouble from youngsters or guys who have had a bit too much to drink.”
“This was an old woman,” Mindy said. “To look at her, you would have thought butter wouldn’t melt.”
“She had a real mouth on her, apparently,” Pearl chipped in. “While Amber was showing her to the door, she made a right scene, shouting: this is no way to treat a spinster.”
“Has she been back since?”
“No, but then we’ve been closed most of the time since then. I’ve told Mindy not to serve her if she does come back.”
***
“Morning, Mrs V. Any messages?”
“Yes, I have several.”
That sounded promising. Maybe business was starting to pick up already. “Potential clients?”
“I’m afraid not. The first one was from a Cindy Chestnut. She saw your sign and wondered if you were the Jill Maxwell she used to go to school with in Blackpool.”
“Blackpool?”
“Then a Richard Everbright, who saw the sign, wanted to know if you were Jill Maxwell the chiropodist.”
“Are the other messages in the same vein?”
“Yes, they’re all from people who think they know you, or that you run some other kind of business. One man wondered if you were Jill Maxwell, the world-famous taxidermist.”
“I hope you told him to get stuffed.”
“The sooner we get the new sign, the better.”
“Agreed. There’s something else I need to discuss with you, Mrs V.”
“Yes, dear? Is it about the sugar?”
“Why would it be about the sugar?”
“The teaspoon went missing last week; I’ve no idea where it went. I had to buy a new one, and I wasn’t sure if it was the same size or not. I thought maybe you’d noticed a difference in the sweetness of your tea?”
“Err—no, I can’t say I have. Anyway, it isn’t about the sugar. I thought you should know that I’m thinking of employing an office manager.”
“Oh? To do what?”
“Mainly to organise the office and me, so that I have more time for actual investigation work.”
“I see. And would this person be in charge of me?”
“I suppose so. Would that be a problem?”
“I don’t know. It will depend on who it is. Are you sure this is a good idea, Jill?”
“I think so, yes.”
“It’s just that you’re a—err—I don’t remember what they call it when someone likes to take charge of everything. It’s on the tip of my tongue. Oh yes, I remember: A control sneak.”
“It’s freak.”
“That’s it, dear. You’re one of those.”
Chapter 8
“Look no further,” Winky said. “Your search is over.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I heard you say that you’re going to set on an office manager.”
“That’s right.”
“Well then.”
“Well then, what?”
“Here I am.”
“You?” I laughed.
“Who knows this office better than I do?”
“I am not having a cat as my office manager.”
“That’s felineism.”
“There’s no such thing.”
“I’d be good at it. You know I would.”
“What kind of credibility do you think I’d have if my office manager was a cat?”
“If it was any old cat, I might agree, but we’re talking about Winky.”
“Did you just refer to yourself in the third person? You know how I feel about that.”
“Will you at least think about it?”
“Okay. I’ll give it serious consideration.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.” Liar, liar, pants on fire.
***
I’d had a call from Henry Tyler, to tell me that Theo Crane had been discharged from hospital and was now back at his house. He’d agreed to talk to me, so I went straight over to the address that Tyler had given me.
The new housing development was only eight miles from Smallwash. Jack and I had looked around one of the show homes when we’d been at a loose end one weekend. Finding Crane’s house wasn’t difficult because so far there were only five houses occupied. The rest, including the one next door, were still under construction.
Nancy Crane answered the door.
“Do come in. Theo’s through here.” She led me into the lounge where Theo Crane was lying on the sofa. He looked a little pale, but otherwise appeared to be in good health.
“Mr Crane.”
“Call me Theo. Do have a seat. Nancy was about to make lunch—I’m sure there’ll be enough for one more.”
“Not for me, thanks. I have to say you look remarkably well, considering the ordeal you’ve been through.”
“I feel a little weak, but other than that, I’m fine. I’m just really upset about what’s happened to Jude.”
“I take it from that you don’t think he was involved in the kidnapping?”
“The notion is ludicrous. Jude and I have our ups and downs, but we’re still very close. We run a company together; did you know that?”
“Yes, Henry Tyler told me. Who is running it now that Jude has been arrested?”
“Our manager, Andy Moreland; he’s a very capable guy. He’ll be able to keep things ticking over until I’m fit to get back in the saddle, or until Jude is released.”
“What can you tell me about the kidnapping?”
“Very little. It was a Friday, and I was on my way to play golf. I pulled in at West’s mini-market to get some cigarettes, and then when I got back in the car—bang!”
“Bang?”
“That’s the last thing I remember. The next thing I knew, I was in a strange room.”
“Did someone hit you over the head?”
“I don’t think so. I didn’t have any injuries when I woke up. Just this weird taste in my mouth.”
“Do you think someone might have used some kind of drug to knock you out?”
“I guess so, but like I said, I don’t remember a thing after getting into t
he car until I woke up in the room.”
“Do you play golf often?”
“Every Friday.”
“So it’s possible that someone could have known you’d be on that road, at that time of day?”
“I suppose so.”
“And did you always call in at that same mini-market?”
“Not always, but usually.”
“During your captivity, were you held in the same place all of the time?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you see anyone while you were being held there?”
“No.”
“What about food and drink? Didn’t you see who brought you that?”
“No. There was a small hatch in the bottom of the door. They put it through there each day.”
“How did you eventually get out?”
I managed to break off a small section of the metal bed frame, and I used that to work on the door jamb. It took me weeks, but I eventually managed to force the door.”
“Did you see anyone when you got out?”
“No one. I’d been kept in a basement in what was otherwise a deserted house in a neighbourhood of mostly derelict properties. I assume that whoever had been holding me must have come once a day to bring me food and water.”
“Did your captor ever speak to you?”
“Not a word.”
“What I find strange is that no ransom was ever demanded. If it wasn’t for money, can you think of any other reason someone might have held you captive?”
“None. It makes no sense to me.”
“No enemies? No one with a grudge against you?”
“No one.”
“Lunch is ready.” Nancy appeared at the door. “Shall I bring it through?”
“It’s okay.” Crane got slowly to his feet. “I can make it into the kitchen. Was there anything else, Jill?”
“No, I think I have everything I need for now.”
***
Oh goody! It was that time again.
Time for another Elite Competition pep talk from Grandma. Wherever Alicia was now, I hoped she appreciated the sacrifices I was making to keep her safe.
“You’re late!” Grandma said, as soon as I walked into her office.
“You said one o’clock.”
“It’s thirty seconds past the hour.”
“Sorry.”
“If you’re going to be at your peak for the tournament, there’s no room for complacency. If Ma Chivers spots even the slightest chink in your armour, she’ll destroy you.”