‘I get it. It is their version of Bailey’s Irish Coffee.’
‘Whatever it is, I do hope you like it.’
‘How is your solitaire collection building up?’
He never failed to ask this question!
‘I am not too inclined towards pleasures of the flesh these days.
Why, the tanzanites I bought from Tanzania excite me more.’
‘What are they?’
‘They are rare blue stones that flash fire. They are mined only in Tanzania and when these mines get depleted, there will be no more tanzanites. Sapphires too are blue, but are dead stones; these refract light like diamonds and are as expensive. That is why they are called blue diamonds.’
‘You haven’t worn them.’
‘I bought loose stones. They have to be set in gold.’ After this, the conversation lagged and I began to fidget.
‘You seem ready to go.’
‘If I don’t leave now I will be caught in the evening traffic and will be delayed for my evening OPD.’
This was the first time I got up to leave before he wanted me to go.
***
19.7.06
Dear Khushwant Singhji
I took your advice, went through a few old copies of Outlook and fashioned a brief overview of my Serengeti visit accordingly. There was so much more that I could have written but it had to fit in one page so I condensed it into an article of 1,000-odd words. Though there were no pictures in the stories published, I am sending a couple of photos along just in case. I am taking you up on your offer of forwarding the piece to Outlook. I hope they accept it.
As I was in Africa I read quite a bit about coloured people in the in-flight magazines. There was a true incident about a white woman in economy class who objected to being seated next to a coloured man. The air hostess apologized for her faux pas and led the black man to business class where she found a place for him!
My stock of jokes has dwindled but I’ll try nevertheless to amuse.
A man killed a deer, cooked it and fed it to his children asking them to guess what it was. As they couldn’t, he gave a hint. ‘It’s what your mum calls me.’
‘Don’t eat it,’ said the elder one to his kid brother. ‘It is harami kutta!’
Love
Amrinder
72
21.8.06
Dear Khushwant Singhji
I saw your pictures in the newspaper celebrating your birthday and 50 years of the release of Train to Pakistan. It was nice to see you cut a cake in the shape of an open book (which your life is anyway) with the omnipresent Mrs Charanjit Singh by your side. I wish I could take her place.
The other day we were sitting at my parents’ place when Daddy said, ‘You were the brightest of all. I had expected the most from you,’ plummeting my sense of self-worth (at no great altitude to begin with) still further. This when he had forcibly married me off to a man who dragged me down like quicksand.
‘It is easy to lay the blame on others,’ he continued. ‘But water does eventually find its level.’ I would beg to differ on some accounts. A peepal germinated in a crevice can grow only that much though it has the potential to expand into a mighty tree. A sports car stuck behind a tractor on a one-lane Delhi road cannot race ahead despite the speed it is capable of attaining. On the other hand even a stowaway or a rat in a luxury liner will reach the land of dreams through no effort of his own. So luck does have a major role to play. The jokes:
In the UK, Santa and Banta saw a poster at a police station: ‘TWO WHITE MEN WANTED FOR RAPE’. Santa said to Banta: ‘These bloody goras always get the best jobs.’
Santa: What is the difference between a Patiala peg and a Patiala salwar?
Banta: Ek jaldi chad di hai te duji jaldi uttardi hai.
Husbandto wife: I got old-age pension by showing the grey hair on my chest.
Wife: Zip khol ke dikha dende teh disability pension ve mil jaande!
Harnam Singh married a traffic policewoman. After the first night, his friend asked him what it was like. Harman Singh: She collected a fine of Rs 200 from me for overspeeding, Rs 200 for wrong entry and Rs 500 for no helmet!
Love
Amrinder
P.S.: Was it possible for you to do anything about the article ‘My Serengeti Diary’ that you had graciously offered to forward to the Outlook?
Soon after, a postcard arrived, dated 28 August 2006.
DearAmrinder
Pardon this P.C. – I am up to the neck clearing up my arrears before I get to Kasauli (1–21 Sept.). I did respond your letter with the Serengeti article and spoke to Nandini from Outlook. I did not forward the article to her as I know that this is not the sort of thing they take for their last page. It has not to be an essay but a lightly written travelogue in the first person with a few naughty observations and a witty end. You have the matter. Just reshape it – why did you think of Serengeti, who did you meet, hotels, dialogue. Send it to me again to Kasauli and I will forward it to Outlook.
Jokes new and good. Will add them to my repertoire.
Love
K
***
4.9.06
Dear Khushwant Singhji
I had learnt from experience and from you that NK of HA Publications is not a nice man to deal with (not that ‘nice’ men like SM of OP Publishers have done anything nice about my book) so I thought of playing upon his greed. NK is the director of a chain of schools and there are over 50 branches in the NCR. If I gave him my book on reproductive health for adolescent girls for a lump sum at the outset, it would be a continual source of income for him and a win-win situation for both. When I put the proposition to him he said that the chain did not function in that way. Before putting the receiver down I told him that as a gynaecologist I could write books on women’s health issues. This was top priority with him. Sadly, people seem more interested in the produce of my mind than the outpouring of my heart – so be it. As requested I sent him a table of contents and was surprised to get a phone call from him and a meeting was fixed for the coming Saturday.
A few days later I learnt from a newspaper article that Anuj Bahri is the first literary agent in India. I contacted him and a meeting was fixed during which he asked me to postpone my meeting with NK (which I did) and get out of my previous contracts which I could not quite understand for, though they were not going anywhere, he had nothing better to offer. He gave me two contracts of his own to read before I signed them. Do you think I should do so?
Also I have rewritten my ‘Serengeti Diary’ for the Outlook. I hope it meets their requirements this time and you will forward it.
Kehte hain ki car mey aage wali seat par bachoon ki vajey se haadse hote hai magar kai baar peeche wali seat pe haadson ke vajey se bachche hote hain!
What’s the difference between a parachute and a condom?
Ek ke phatne se insaan duniya se chala jaata hai, doosre ke phatne se insaan duniya may aata hai.
She offered him her honour; he honoured her offer and then the whole night in honour of her offer he was ‘on her’ and ‘off her’.
Love
Amrinder
***
Kasauli, 11 Sept. 2006
Dear Amrinder
NK has been sacked. I don’t know of Bahri as a publisher but respect both father and son for their enterprise. I think you should go ahead with Anuj. I will be back on the 21st – we can discuss the details when you find the time to drop by.
Love
Khushwant
I rang him up on 2 October to fix an appointment. He was annoyed with me for not paying attention to what he had told me.
‘You have not gone through a single copy of the Outlook. Otherwise you would not have sent me what you did.’
‘But I did …’
‘You have the material, but in an essay form. They want something personal, humorous and a witty tailpiece.’
Well, this was the way I wrote. I had tried to modify it according to their demands but it wa
s obviously not working. Suddenly, it did not matter any more. An oppressive weight lifted off my chest and I was free – free of thwarted ambitions that nurtured negativity and diminished self-worth; free of self-flagellation and oversensitivity to criticism. I would write as I chose when I chose; and if it was accepted, fine, if not, the very act of writing gave me pleasure and that would suffice. I understood what Lord Krishna had said about doing your ‘karam’ with no expectations of reward and was finally at peace with myself and the world.
I was to meet Khushwant Singh two days later. Little did I know that I would meet with a near-fatal accident the very next day and would be in the ICU instead of his home! Mamaji conveyed the news to Khushwant Singh who rang me up to enquire after my health.
73
5.12.06
Dear Khushwant Singhji
It is after a long time that I sat down to communicate with you. After the falld ue to which I nearly lost my life, I did a lot of introspection and realized –to borrow from a Paulo Coelho book – ‘today was a good time as any to die’. My responsibilities towards my children were over, there was no love lost between my husband and me and no great passion in the horizon to sustain me. My work bordered on the routine and my aspirations regarding my writing matter no more. Moreover, the end would have been sudden and painless, just the way anyone in his right senses would want to die. But I survived and am now going through the slow painful process of recovery. The wound on my head has healed but my left arm is not fully functional and I go for regular physiotherapy.
What hurt more that the physical injury was the bill that was handed to me two months after the fall. To understand my amazement I must tell you that I fell from the stairs of the hospital because the marble was broken at places, the light was fused. The passage was littered with metal discards. My left temple hit the sharp, rusty edge of an iron rod and I bled profusely. That it did not break my skull and wedge into my brain was due to the fact that, as they say, ‘rab ne hath de ke bachaya’; never mind if the hand that took the impact of the fall was mine. And now to add insult to injury they were asking me to pay for surviving their negligence! It was preposterous. People told me that it would be prudent to swallow this poison pill and pay up if I intended to continue working in that hospital which was admittedly the best in my area. Was prudence a sophisticated name for cowardice? How could I make them understand that the money was not the issue at all? Could I compromise my principles for the sake of my needs? As usual I gave vent to my frustration in a scathing poem which I placed along with my cheque book on the table of the chief administrator when he came on his weekly visit. He made a drastic cut in the amount, thus soothing my ruffled feathers and saving face.
It would not do to end this letter on such a sombre note, hence this …
At an interview, a dumb woman applying for the job of a secretary was asked, ‘What is the difference between a screw and a paper clip?’
Woman: I don’t know. I have never been paper-clipped!
Love
Amrinder
Mamaji told me that he had been called over to Khushwant Singh’s house for a medical visit.
‘Why, what happened?’ I asked, alarmed.
‘He has hypertension and gastritis.’
‘As soon as he was well enough to talk, he enquired after you.’
‘That was very sweet of him.’
‘I told him that you are fine now. Have you stopped communicating with him?’
‘I have sent him a letter after a two-month hiatus. I did not feel well enough to do much after the fall.’
7 Dec. 2006
Dear Amrinder
I too went through a near-death experience. Your mamaji can tell you about it. I threw up a gallon of vomit on his clothes. He kept wiping my beard. Now I await his bill.
When you feel up to it, ring up and drop by. We can commiserate with each other.
Love
Khushwant
***
20.12.06
Dear Khushwant Singhji
What better way of celebrating the reiteration of life after the near-death experience we both went through (wonder if we would have met again in a different world) than sharing the gift of laughter which, at this distance, I can only do with the help of jokes. So I am going to make this letter a ‘Jokes Special’.
Sex and shopping have one thing in common. In both cases, men start sweating after fifteen minutes and women want to go on and on and on.
A priest and a sardar are sitting next to each other on a flight. When drinks are served, the sardar orders rum. The flight attendant asks the priest if he would like a drink.
‘I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips,’ says the priest.
Thesardar returns his drink and says, ‘Me too. I did not know we had a choice.’
Ek sharabi eyes donate karne gaya and warned the doctor:
‘Jisey bhi lagaoge usey bata dena ki do peg ke baad hi khulte hain.’
Lead a plain and simple life. Remember the following:
• Money is not everything. There are credit cards.
• One should love animals, they are so tasty.
• Save water, shower with your girlfriend.
• Love thy neighbour but do not get caught.
Everyman should marry twice because happiness is not the only thing in life.
Bhakt: Bhagwan mujhe dard de, dukh de, tension de, barbaad kar de, mere peeche bhoot laga de.
Bhagwan: Abe saale ek hi baar bol mujhe biwi chahiye.
Q: Dogs shaadi kyon nahin karde?
A: Kyunki voh pehele se hi kutte di zindagi ji rahe hote hain.
Wishing you a long, healthy, fruitful life (remember to call me for your 100th birthday), a Merry Christmas and a very happy New Year.
Hope to meet you soon.
With much love
Amrinder
74
2 Jan. 2007
Dear Amrinder
Forgive the p.c.; too many letters to answer and still not in top form. I should be 100% fit by Feb. end. As fit as anyone of 93 can be.
Who is the best ear doctor in Delhi? I am steadily going deafer by the day. Don’t miss it very much but will not have a hearing aid.
Much love and luck for 2007 and all the years to come.
Yours
Khushwant
***
27.1.07
DearKhushwant Singhji
Congratulations on getting the Padma Bhushan for literature. I cannot tell you how happy I am. It was as if I was receiving the high honour instead of you. What was the function like at the President’s House and what is it exactly – a medal, citation or scroll? Is there a cash award too? I know that you had returned the Padma Shri after the 1984 riots perhaps, because better things were in store for you. Do not ever say again, ‘My life’s work is done’ as you had said and written after the first and the latest edition of The Illustrated History of the Sikhs. Your life’s work will only be done after you are done with life, not a breath before that.
The last time I had gone abroad I had bought two bottles of Chivas Regal from the duty-free shop, for buying a twin pack was cost-effective. I have given you one and was saving the other for a celebration – perhaps after a work of mine was published. I do not know if and when that will occur so I have decided to celebrate the honour you have received. After all it is not every day that one receives a Padma Bhushan. What is the right time to ring you up to fix an appointment? I am willing to wait till the spate of more eminent well-wishers subside and you can spare time for me.
Recently I attended a marriage in Jammu and as is the case in any wedding – a celebration of impending fornication – sexual innuendos ran high; hence this spate of raunchy jokes.
To a man in a crowded bus a lady said, ‘Your thing is touching me.’
Man: That is my salary packet.
Lady: You’ve got a five times hike in your salary in the last 10 minutes!
Banta goes to a family p
lanning clinic. Reads notice at the entrance: ‘For family planning use rear entry.’ He goes back happy.
A man has some problem in his testicles and goes to the doctor for a consultation.
After examining him, the doctor says, ‘Tumhari ek goli nikaalni padegi.’
Man: Goli, chahe dono nikal do, bandook toan chalti nahin!
A woman inadvertently sits on a bench where an advertisement painted by her husband was kept to dry. She gets up with ‘For Rent’ printed on her back. A man rushes up to her and asks, ‘Is your backside on rent?’
‘Yes,’ she replies ‘Sardarji and I are using the front!’
A man needs to use the toilet very badly but as the men’s toilet was in a state of disrepair, he rushes to the ladies toilet. The women scream in outrage: ‘Don’t you know that this is for ladies?’
‘Well, what I am holding in my hand is also for ladies!’ he replies.
Love, blessing and congratulations once again.
Amrinder
***
4 Feb. 2007
DearAmrinder
First a correction: what I gave up was a Padma Bhushan and not a Padma Shri which is lower. What has been conferred upon me is a Padma Vibhushan which is higher than a Padma Bhushan. Don’t bruise my vanity.
Jokes were new to me. I liked all of them.
Chivas Regal will be welcome only if you come to share a drop with me 7 p.m. any evening – not otherwise. I can then tell you what to do with your Serengeti piece to make it acceptable to Outlook. You did not bother with it.
I hope you have good news from SM. Bring his phone number. I will ring him up in your presence.
The Afternoon Girl Page 29