“I feel like you’ve never gone outside your house,” Justin said, and he broke the spell of my thoughts. With my hand grasped in his, I looked at him. “That’s how you’re looking at the river.”
“I’m not sure I did before now,” I said.
“You can’t hide under a boat cabin for the rest of your life. Right?” I looked down at Tony, who pumped his fist in the air. “You gotta let go…,” Justin said.
I looked back at Justin and pushed the image of the coven out of my mind. I was ready. With my right hand in his left…we both broke into the smallest of smiles.
“Ready?” he asked.
We jumped.
My body was…free. My hands broke with Justin’s when we jumped. I felt my torso rising and falling, and the air rushed by my ears and between my fingers. Through all the cheers it was Tony’s I could hear the clearest. My hips were pulled by the elastic bungee up and then down. The wind rushed over my cheeks and over my scalp. I looked to my right and saw that Justin’s eyes were closed, his arms above his head. I mimicked him by closing my eyes and a chill rushed over me. I smiled, unable to help it. When the elasticity of the bungee slowed, I looked over at Justin, upside down. He was smiling at me.
“Sad anymore?” he asked.
As they helped us into the boats and drove us to the riverbank, Justin wouldn’t break my gaze. No, in that moment, sadness was not possible.
Chapter Fifteen
“Lenah! Wait!” Tony called from the top of the art tower stairs. It was the day after our bungee excursion and Tony had spent the morning sketching my eyes. When he came into the door way, there was a green streak of paint across his nose. “Thanks for today,” he said. “I finally got it…I think.”
“Anytime,” I said. Before I got to the bottom of the stairs I heard Tony say to the other students in the tower, “Ladies! Don’t let my ass cheeks and sexy stride distract you. I’ll be here all day.”
“You have paint on your nose, Tony,” someone said, and a slew of giggles erupted from the art tower.
I stepped outside and looked up. The clouds were deep, layer upon layer of gray swollen puffs. As I walked across the meadow, I was surprised to see Curtis, Roy, Claudia, and Kate sitting on a blanket. As I walked past, ready to smile at the girls, Kate leaned to Claudia and hid her mouth with her hand. Over the tops of Kate’s manicured fingers, Claudia’s eyes gazed into mine. Claudia cocked her head to the side, listening to Kate, but instead of smiling and sharing some devious secret as they usually did, Claudia’s eyes softened. I looked back to Kate—her eyebrows narrowed, and though I could not see her mouth, I was sure she was sneering. Claudia, though…there seemed to be a shift. Claudia and I shared this moment until Curtis leaned back on his elbows and looked me up and down. He smirked. He was tall like Justin but fuller, with a pouting mouth and a double chin.
I walked slowly. Kate tossed her blond hair over her shoulder. Roy, Claudia’s boyfriend, stared at me too. He was smaller than both Justin and Curtis.
“Nice jump yesterday?” Curtis asked.
Kate scoffed. Then it hit me, a slap so hard that it burned my cheeks. I had no extrasensory perception. I couldn’t access how they felt. I knew disdain was oozing from Kate, but that was obvious. I concentrated on the group, but no sensation came over me. No clear idea of their emotional intentions.
It was gone.
I looked away swiftly and quickened my step. I looked down at the blades of grass and the wings of a passing fly. Okay, my vampire sight was still there. I sighed in relief. I headed over the meadow toward the science buildings. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Thumpthumpthump. Stupid heart. The beating fluttered in my ears, making them throb. Adrenaline rushed up and down my chest so that my fingertips tingled. I walked faster, past students headed toward their classes. I hid my eyes from anyone coming my way. It was very hard to breathe. I brought my hand to my chest and felt the shudder of my lungs.
My body was rebelling against me. This physical reaction—what was this? Anxiety? Fear? I gritted my teeth. I was going to go to the greenhouse for some control. I almost walked by the archway to Quartz, intending to pass by without stopping, when I heard a very familiar voice.
“I knew it. I knew this would happen,” Tracy said.
“Knew what? This has been a long time coming, Trace.”
“Long time? Like a few weeks, right? Since you met her. Everything was fine before Lenah Beaudonte came to school.”
I gasped and rested my back against the stone of the building. My heart was still thumping like crazy. My ESP! Why when I really needed it was it gone so completely? And without warning?
“It’s not Lenah,” Justin tried to explain. I refocused on the conversation.
Tracy scoffed. “Come on. The minute that girl opened her mouth I knew you wanted her. Lenah this, Lenah that. The whole damsel-in-distress crap. Who’s never been on a boat? Who hates sunlight?”
I snuck forward so I was just to the left of the archway. The looks from Claudia, Kate, and Curtis made sense now. They must have known this was going to happen.
“I just don’t get it.” Tracy’s voice broke, and I could tell she was going to cry. I peeked around the corner of the building and saw Justin and Tracy in the shadow of the alleyway. The glass doors of the dorm opened and closed when students walked past. Most kept their heads down while whispering quietly to one another. Justin drew her close, which made my stomach burn.
“What about me?” she cried. “I saw you up on Nickerson Bridge. You didn’t want to bungee with me.”
“It’s just different now. I feel different.”
Tracy’s head snapped up, and her eyes landed on me. I whipped around so my back rested against the building.
“Lenah!” Tracy squealed. I groaned.
“What?” Justin said.
“Lenah. She’s at the top of the alleyway. What the hell is wrong with the both of you?” Tracy said. The sound of her heels on the pavement clicked up and past me. She ran fast, through the meadow, and was on a pathway before I noticed that Justin was standing next to me. I wanted to follow Tracy and tell her how sorry I was. I had a tingle in my stomach, a squirming feeling, and then Justin’s fingers touched my shoulder. I stepped away from him into the meadow.
“Lenah…” Justin’s eyes burned with desire—to comfort me.
“I didn’t want to hurt anyone,” I said.
“You didn’t.” He reached out to me. I wanted him to wrap his hands around my back and hold me close, but everything felt heavy in my chest. I pointed where Tracy ran off into the campus green.
“Just now, I did.”
“No—that was me.”
I stepped deeper into the grass. Through the sporadic drops of rain falling in front of me, Justin and I held each other’s gazes. How could one set of eyes show me so much? Justin’s passion for me and his connection with my heart allowed me to see far into his soul. Through the green of his eyes, deep into the pupils, there was an entryway, a place where I could see and then feel all of Justin’s intentions. I gasped and hoped, no matter what happened to my vampire sight as I became more human, that I would never lose that connection to him. Please, I thought. Please never let me forget how he makes me feel.
I had to look somewhere else, so I focused on Justin’s mouth; his lips were set in a straight line. I would have given anything to stop the guilt running through my veins. To stop all the world and time moving with it and kiss him right there in the middle of the campus. But that was my curse, wasn’t it? To always know the feeling of guilt and know it was my fault. As though I was ripping myself away, I turned and took off for the greenhouse.
Pit pat. Pit pat.
The greenhouse was quiet except for the rain starting to pepper the curved-glass ceiling. It had been hot before the rain shower, so the windows were covered in fog. Above me, dozens of potted, purple ferns were suspended from metal hooks. The leaves were green with a lavender fringe. I walked underneath them down the main aisle of the green
house. On either side of me, twelve-foot-high shelves lined the walls. The misting mechanisms came on every few minutes, keeping the plants watered and warm. For the first time in a very long while, I felt safe.
I knew the magic of my ESP faded while bungee jumping. When we were standing on that bridge and his hand was grasped around mine. I abandoned my fear of the coven in that moment and chose to participate in the real world. Another sacrifice. Rhode was right: It is always the intent that matters.
These thoughts came sifting in and out of my mind as I was walking. Vicken’s face came to my head and because of the fear that came with it, I reached for some rosebuds. Rose in your tea will bring you love. I stuck the petals in my pocket. Next, I would look for apple blossoms for luck. Hanging and growing around me were cacti, orchids, ferns; green, leafy plants all growing in standard green pots. Some leaves were big and stretched over into the aisle while others were small and barely visible to the eye—the non-vampire eye, that is.
It smelled like wet earth. Yet, it was no longer something I envied. Perhaps for once in a very long history, I understood that I came from that dirt. I was natural, too.
“You glad you jumped?”
I spun around. Justin stood in the greenhouse doorway. The double doors eased to a close behind him and we were alone. I turned around to face forward. I didn’t move. He walked toward me and his sneakers made a slight squish on the wet greenhouse floor. Then he was so close his chest rested on my back. Justin’s body was strong and sculpted, so different from a vampire’s, which remains in the exact state at the moment of death.
Justin took slow breaths that sent shivers down the back of my neck. Goose bumps swept over my back and shoulders. I looked right to see an orange flower, with puffy petals. Some had a blood-orange hue, others were bright yellow. The petals were full with a slightly jagged edge, so the lot of them made them seem like a plush seat.
“Calendula,” I said, feeling the heat of Justin’s body against mine. “More commonly known as marigold,” I barely whispered, short of breath.
Justin reached a hand around my stomach and pulled me toward him. I was so close, I leaned my head back onto his chest.
“Unbelievable curative properties. Good for bites,” I continued.
He didn’t say anything. He just held me close and wrapped both hands around my waist. My body tingled, my hands and fingertips alive. I stepped forward, took a breath in, and then in again, finally exhaling out. I walked slowly, so Justin walked behind me.
Another flower caught my eye on the shelf to my right. I turned slowly all the way around and met Justin’s eyes. I looked down at the flowers that were directly below his fingertips.
“Nasturtium,” I said, and reached down. I plucked a dainty yellow flower bud from a long green stem. There was no more room between us. This was as close as we could get. I held the tiny flower up to him in the palm of my hand. “You can eat it.”
Justin looked down at the flower and then at me. He opened his mouth, waiting. I placed the flower on his tongue and he closed his lips.
I brought my face closer to his without even thinking of the consequences. He swallowed the petals and I watched his Adam’s apple rise and fall. Soon his hands were on my hips and my face was tilted up toward his.
“What does that one mean?” he whispered. Our mouths were millimeters apart.
“Happiness. Right where you are.”
A human kiss. A mouth hot with the peppery taste of nasturtium. He was leading my lips open and closed, the pressure of his lips against mine—I had never been kissed before. Not like this. Not like I was alive.
There were petals, saliva, breath, and pressure. Heartbeats and my eyes—closed.
Justin’s hands pressed onto my hips, slowly traveled up my back, and threaded into my hair. I can’t tell you how long we kissed like that. I know that when I finally stepped back, Justin moaned, just a bit.
I heard footsteps, one slightly heavier than the other. A sound that only I would be keen enough to understand. A shoe that was just microscopically different in construction from the other. I peeked over Justin’s right shoulder and met Tony’s eyes. He blinkedonce, turned away, and stalked back toward the lacrosse field in the direction of Hopper.
A raindrop rolled down my arm, over my wrist, down a knuckle, and then dripped off my finger onto the floor. I stood in the doorway of my apartment for a good five minutes before I stopped replaying the kiss over and over in my mind. I was soaked so deeply that my clothes clung to my body. I giggled, bringing my hand to my mouth, surprised by the way it sounded, and the blood rushed to my cheeks. Justin Enos had kissed me….
I looked up, not meaning to, but my eyes fell on Rhode’s sword. I walked slowly, step by step, until I was so close to the sword that I could lick it. I watched my smile fade in the reflection of the metal. Even now, I could see tiny bloodstains ingrained into the metal.
I reached for the vial necklace, considering a moment if perhaps I needed Rhode’s remains around my neck. I dropped my hands and turned to head into my bedroom. Of course I did. Justin Enos may have kissed me, but I wasn’t ready to let go of my past. I was still comforted by the memories of my life dealing out destruction and death. As I walked away I considered what it would mean to take down that sword and put it away, place it in a trunk to remain in the dark with all the rest of my old intentions. No. I wasn’t ready. Though, it was time to do something. Even if it was something small.
Chapter Sixteen
Crash—smack!
Metal cracked against metal. I spun in a direct circle—keeping my eye on my opponent. “Always keep your focus,” Rhode had told me. I threw my weight into my left arm, raising my sword into the air, making sure to keep a firm grasp around the handle. I was wielding Rhode’s longsword. With a resounding thud my sword hit Vicken’s and stopped. Our blades met, and both of us froze.
“You have been practicing,” he said. I stepped back and lowered my sword. The year was 1875. Vicken and I stood in the weapons room in Hathersage. On the wall were hundreds of swords, daggers, and various kinds of weaponry. There was an apothecary table and a room in the back for invocations and spells, sectioned off by a black curtain.
My loose-fitting gown allowed me to maneuver with ease. It was a sea green color, bright when the rest of my world could not be. Vicken loved practicing his swordsmanship, positive that one day he would need it. That day he wore a white button-down shirt and a pair of leather pants. “Easier,” he said, “to advance with the sword.” The weapons room was on the first floor and faced the main drive to the house. It was when I placed my sword back in its sheath that I heard laughter. Vicken was already at the window.
“Who is it?” I asked as I joined him.
“A couple,” Vicken said.
They walked hand in hand. She was a young creature in a bright peacock blue gown. Her companion was dressed in a light brown suit.
I raised my eyebrows and took a step back from the windows when the young man looked about him, stopped walking, and gathered the woman into an embrace. He kissed her so hard that when they pulled apart, she gasped. Then he did it again.
“Lust,” I said. “The downfall of any woman with a mind of her own.” I turned and rested my back against the wall. Vicken leaned against the window frame and looked at me. He had such deep-set, dark eyes. Even as a vampire they were still warm.
“That is not lust, Lenah.”
“Kissing her in that manner. To take her breath away?”
Vicken stood in front of me and ran his hands down the length of my arms. I wished I could feel his touch, but it was just wind against a tombstone to me. As of late, Vicken’s company was the only reason I maintained any semblance of sanity.
“Don’t you wish sometimes,” he asked, his eyes eager, “that you could feel me?”
I looked down at the smoothness of Vicken’s hands and was reminded of a moment in an opera balcony when I had those same desires. When I looked up to Vicken’s face I notice
d that his mouth was turned down. Perhaps he knew as well as I that I no longer had the capacity to wish. I turned away from him and looked out the window.
“I do,” he said. “I miss touch. I mean really touching so that all my nerves stand on end.”
Out the window, the couple had turned to walk off the property. The man stopped, picked a wildflower, and presented it to the woman.
“That’s human love,” he whispered.
I scoffed.
“Has it been so long that you cannot see it?” Vicken asked.
A dark shadow passed over my eyes. He was right. It was love, and Rhode had been gone so long that I could no longer see it. I gritted my teeth so hard, one of my back molars cracked.
“Come on,” I said, and started for the doorway.
“Where are you going?” Vicken asked, and a smile spread across his face. His fangs lowered.
“To meet our new friends,” I said, and spit out part of the broken tooth so it jumped along the floor. “Let’s have a bite to eat.”
I shook my head and refocused on the anatomy table. It was Monday, and I was back in class. I felt the caverns of the broken tooth in the back of my mouth with the tip of my tongue and sighed. I had gotten to class early. I hadn’t had much sleep since Justin Enos decided to change everything and kiss me. When I first arrived, the classroom was empty, but during my daydream almost everyone had shown up. A pair of sunglasses slid across the table and bumped my notebook. I looked up to see Tony half smile at me and then take his seat.
“I didn’t see you at breakfast,” I said.
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