Her arms were crossed over her chest, and the cardigan dwarfed her, showing only her slender legs. With her hair now loose and blowing in the breeze, she looked so damn forlorn, he wanted to scoop her up and hold her against his chest and never let her go.
Nash knew he had to climb a mountain before he got there. He’d always been a straight shooter. The guy who would be brutally honest with a person when no one else would, even when it put himself in a bad light. There was no reason to change now. Honey would see past any bullshit he was dumb enough to throw her way.
“I want you to give me another chance. A chance to make things right.” He watched her closely. She didn’t move or react. She did nothing but stare at him, those arms of hers holding tight—those dark eyes cool and indifferent. He knew this right here was clutch time. It was four seconds on the clock with twenty-five yards between him and the end zone. There was no holding back. It was all in or nothing.
“I wanted you back the moment you were gone. Even if I didn’t know it at the time.” He paused. Took a moment because she needed to hear his truth. “I should have given you a chance to explain. A chance to hear your side. Instead, I read a report. I took those black words on that white piece of paper as the truth. And I should know better. I know about truths. I know they don’t run in a straight line or form a perfect square. They have edges, nooks and crannies that take away or add to that truth. I didn’t you give you the chance to fill in those spaces or soften those edges. I’m sorry, Honey.”
Still, she said nothing. She watched, those huge eyes of hers glistening in the low light. Those arms tightened even more. He was losing her. Desperate, his mind searched for a way in.
“Key West wasn’t on your map.”
She jerked her head slightly at that.
“What?”
“The map on your back. Your tattoo of places you wanted to go. I traced it so many times with my hands, with my mouth…” He exhaled. “Number one was Bora Bora. After you left, we had no idea where you were. I went there, thinking it made the most sense.”
“You went to Bora Bora to look for me?” Her whiskey-soaked voice stretched so thin, he knew she was struggling.
“I was there for close to two weeks. We looked everywhere for you.”
“We?”
“Hudson and I.”
He saw the surprise before she withdrew.
“Then I went to New Zealand.”
She looked away, but he saw her chin tremble. She wasn’t as indifferent as she wanted him to think.
“Then Barrow.”
Nothing.
“Whistler.”
Again no reaction.
“I was in Costa Rica for ten days, and then Dublin.”
Her shoulders were hunched so far forward, it looked as if she was trying to disappear in the shadows that blanketed the yard.
“I hit every bar and talked to hundreds of people. No one knew you. No one saw you.” His voice was rough. “I thought it was over. I thought I’d lost you for good, but then…”
Slowly, she turned back to him, and the look in her eyes gave him hope.
Nash took a step forward. “Then I remembered a conversation we had that first night in my hot tub. It was after my staff party and everyone had left. You mentioned your friend Simone, and something about Key West. I passed the information along to Hudson, and we started searching. He has contacts and found her within a few days. I called Simone last week. I asked about you. She hung up, and I knew you were here. She was protecting you from me.” He paused. “You don’t need protection from me, Honey. I love you. I need you in my life.” His throat was so tight, he could barely speak. “I know I fucked up. I should have given you the chance to explain. To tell me your side. Instead, I let emotion play a part. I let a bunch of things that don’t matter anymore take over. Honey, I don’t care about your past. I don’t care about the things you did to survive. None of that matters because I care about you. About who you are. I love you. Tell me I’m not too late.”
She didn’t answer him, and, desperate, he took another step forward, stopping when she shook her head violently. “Please. Don’t.”
She was killing him.
“You left me a letter. You told me you loved me. Tell me your feelings have changed, and I’ll leave now.” He was taking the biggest gamble of his life. “If they’re the same. If you still love me and can forgive me, come back to Crystal Lake with me.”
She was shivering. It was hot as hell, and she was shivering. Maybe he was reading this wrong, and panic joined the party in his gut, making him feel sick. “I’ll come here. I’ll move to Key West if that’s where you want to live. Or Bora Bora. Or Anchorage. I don’t give a rat’s ass where we land, as long as we land somewhere together. I don’t want to do this life thing alone. Not without you.”
“Nash,” she spoke haltingly. “There are things you don’t know. Things that I…”
“I don’t care.” He cut her off as the hope inside him bloomed big and bright. It was hot and hard, and it pushed him forward. He strode toward Honey, stopping inches from her—inches that felt like miles as he gazed down into her face. “Whatever you’ve got, throw it my way. There’s nothing you’ve done that can make me love you less.” He hesitated because he had to get this right.
“You said that you wanted to matter to the Blackwells. That you wanted them to see you for who you are. I don’t know what they feel in their hearts. That’s something you’re going to have to see for yourself. But, Jesus Honey…I see you. All of you. Your past. Your present and your future. I see you with me because we belong together.” He searched her face. Was she hearing him? “I see you with me because I love…” His voice broke, and he had to take a moment. “I love every single thing about you. The way you pick out the raisins in your muffins. The way your eyes soften when I’m inside you. Your laugh. Your toes. The way you smile when you think no one is watching. The way you touch me.” He stepped closer yet. “Everything. I love everything about you.”
“You don’t know everything.”
Frustrated, he swore. “How can I make you understand I don’t care about any of that stuff? It’s in the past.” He paused, eyes searching her face. “Do you love me?”
“I…” She stumbled over her words. “Love isn’t enough, Nash. God, you should know that. It’s not always enough.” She ended on a whisper and trembled, and when he would have grabbed her close to his chest, she made a heartbreaking sound and shook her head.
She was scaring the crap out of him. Something was up, and he was flying blind here. “Honey, give me a chance to make this right.”
“You might not want to. When you…” She swore and shook her head. “You might not ever want to talk to me again.”
“What?” He was confused.
She sighed and slowly let the bulky cardigan fall to the ground. She stepped forward into the light. Her big eyes were shiny, full of unshed tears and so much sadness, it made his heart ache. Shadows played across her skin, and his eyes roved her body with a hunger that grabbed hold and didn’t let go. She was so damn lovely. So damn perfect. She was his, and he wasn’t letting her go. She was…
He blinked. Ran his hands through his hair.
She looked different. Fuller. Rounder. He gulped. She was pregnant.
His eyes widened, and maybe he stopped breathing. Or maybe it was just his heart reacting to the woman in front of him.
His eyes flew back to hers, and an image of Honey whispering something to that bastard in the bar, Nick, flooded his brain. Was it his? Had he lost her forever?
25
Time did that funny thing where it slowed down until images blurred and feelings washed away. She heard her heart beating fast and furious, but she didn’t feel it. Just as she saw Nash’s lips moving, forming words and questions, but she didn’t hear them.
Honey turned away. She couldn’t do this. What the hell had she been thinking? She was nowhere near prepared to face Nash. Shivering like crazy, she scoope
d up the cardigan and stared at it dully, her fingers rolling over the buttons as she tried to figure a way out of the mess she’d landed in. The letter Nash had left for her stuck out of the pocket, and the sight of it made her stomach turn.
“You’re pregnant.” Nash’s voice managed to break through the haze that surrounded her. And now her shame was complete. Judgment day was here. It was time to face her past. All of it.
The baby kicked, and she smiled sadly as she turned around. Nash looked grim, and her stomach dipped. He wasn’t happy. But then had she expected him to be? She couldn’t stop the tears if she tried, and they rolled slowly down her face.
“Yes.”
“But…” He ran his hands through his hair and swore. “How?”
“I don’t know… I forgot to take my pill a few times and I doubled up, but…” Did he believe her? Did it matter?
“I found out about a month after I left town. I didn’t tell you because I figured there was no point.”
“No point? You thought I wouldn’t want to know about my child?” Anger colored his words, and she flinched. “What kind of asshole do you think I am?”
“I don’t think that. Please.” How could she make him see? Make him understand? “Do you remember when I asked you about children? About what they meant to you?”
He shook his head, and she saw his confusion.
“You told me once you would never consider being a father unless you found a woman as giving and as loving as your mother. I know how much you love her, how much you respect her, and I know I’ll never be anything like your mom. You made your feelings clear to me that last night at the gala.” Pain sliced through her. “You told me that I was the worst kind of human being there was, and I knew you were disgusted. I knew your feelings for me weren’t strong enough to handle my reality. I thought that if I told you about the baby, you would take her away from me. And I…” Her voice broke, and she swiped at the tears on her cheeks. “I’ve spent my whole life looking for something, and I finally figured out what that something is. It wasn’t acceptance. It wasn’t me wanting the Blackwells to know who I am. I was looking to belong to someone. It was as simple as that.” She shrugged. “I was looking for a family.”
“You were going to have this baby and not tell me.” It wasn’t a question, and she had nowhere to hide.
All his proclamations of love were gone. His face was hard as he stared down at her. This final lie was just another on a pile of crap she’d served him the entire time they were together. He would never forgive her for keeping this from him. And yet, she was still going to beg. Hell, she’d get down on her knees if she had to.
“I was afraid that if you knew about the baby, you would come for her and take her from me. You have the Blackwells behind you. All of Crystal Lake behind you. No judge would ever side with someone like me. Someone who’s done the things I have. I saw their faces when you told everyone about the prostitution thing. I was protecting myself, Nash. I won’t survive without her. I won’t.”
He swore and looked away, his body tense, his hands fisted at his sides. “This is not… Jesus, Honey I didn’t expect this.”
“Don’t take her from me. Please, Nash. I’ll look after her, I promise. I’ll make sure she’s loved and never needs for anything. I can do this. I can be a family for her. I’m not my mother. I will put her above everything else.” Her voice caught, but she charged on. “I’ve saved money, and I have a job and a home, and she’ll…she’ll have me and…” She gulped in air and tried to calm herself. “And she can have you too. I’ll do whatever you want, just please don’t take away my baby.”
Honey bowed her head and tried to get her shit together. Never had she lost it like this before. But then she’d never had so much at stake.
When Nash spoke, she jumped and looked up. “You never answered my question.” Nash moved until he was inches from her. She tried to avoid his gaze, but he grabbed her chin and forced her to look up at him.
“What question?” she whispered, her heart hammering so hard, she was sure he heard it.
“Do you love me?” He spoke slowly, clearly, and never took his eyes off her.
“Nash…” She licked her dry lips and shook her head.
“Answer the fucking question, Honey. No more lies. Just the truth. Do you love me?”
She felt as if her heart and mind were exposed. As if the entire world was pressing in on her and she had nowhere to hide. As if she was on the edge of a cliff waiting to jump off. “Yes, Nash. I love you.”
“Do you forgive me for the shit I put you through?”
“Do I forgive…” Surprised, she didn’t know how to answer. “You had every right to be angry with me. I know how things looked. I know what I was. What I did.”
His hand slid along her jaw. “Do you forgive me for hurting you? I need to know. Because if not, we’ve got some stuff to work on.”
She thought of those first few months after she’d left Crystal Lake. How many nights had she cried herself to sleep? She hadn’t wanted to blame him for her pain, but there were times she did. The darkest times when it was three in the morning, and she was alone. “Yes.”
“Please tell me you don’t believe I’m the kind of man who would rip a child away from her mother.”
As she looked up into his face, Honey realized how wrong she’d been. She’d been protecting herself—protecting her heart. “No,” she answered carefully. “I don’t believe that. I just… I’ve never reached the finish line before. Never won the race. I was afraid because I’ve never in my life had what I wanted. Happiness. Family. And it was there, right in my hands, and I screwed it up.”
Nash was quiet for a few seconds, and when he spoke, his voice was so gentle, it made her soul weep.
“You don’t have to look anymore, Honey. You’re done with that.” He cupped both sides of her face. “I am your family. Got that? You. Me.” His hand slid down her body, and she cried out when she felt his large palm on her belly. “This baby. We’re a family now, and nothing will break us apart.”
He bent closer, his breath a warm whisper against her ear. “Nothing.”
Honey’s knees gave out, and she sagged against him. She couldn’t help it. Everything inside her had to come out. She sobbed into his chest as her body shuddered and her teeth chattered. Nash picked her up into his arms and made his way inside her home. He sat down on the small sofa and held her until she had no more tears left. Until she was spent, pliant as rubber band. Until the warmth from his body seeped into hers, and the sound of his heart had hers singing.
Stinker curled up beside them on the sofa, her tail wagging like crazy, her dark eyes twitchy as she watched them curiously.
Nash moved slightly, and Honey looked into his eyes, for the first time with no fear, and her heart swelled. All she saw was love. Acceptance. And, maybe, excitement?
“So,” he murmured, his hand sliding along her belly once more. “A girl?”
“I’m not sure, actually.” Her voice was scratchy, and she worked to clear the frog from the back of her throat. “I just have a feeling it’s a girl.”
The baby kicked, and Nash jerked, his eyes wide with wonder.
Every bone in Honey’s body relaxed, and she placed her palm on his hand. “She must know her daddy is here.”
“I like the sound of that.” Nash swooped down, and his mouth claimed hers in a sweet, searching kiss. When he finally dragged his lips from hers, his face was serious.
“You should know that John is sick again. Cancer this time. He’s home and medicated, but they don’t give him much time. He’s actually lasted longer than they thought.” Nash tucked a piece of hair behind her ears. “He wants to see you. To have a chance to make things right. You said in your letter that you forgave him. I think he’s holding on, hoping to hear the words from you.”
She yanked her head up. “He knows about me?”
“Hudson told him. He figured it out the day after the gala when we went to your apartment. H
e’s been with me the whole way, trying to find you. He’s sick about this and feels responsible for turning you away from the family.”
Nash pressed a kiss to her forehead. “The next move is your call. I’ll stand behind you whatever you decide. If you want to forget about the Blackwells, stay here, and make a life in the Keys, I’ll do it.”
Honey’s heart couldn’t swell any more than it already had. Had she ever been this selfless? “You would move away from your family. From your best friends. From everything you know if I asked you to?”
He didn’t hesitate. He nodded. “We’re family now, Honey. That’s what we do.”
Stinker must have sensed her turmoil. The small dog hopped onto her lap and licked her hand. Slowly, she stroked the top of the dog’s head, her mind thinking ahead to what she had to do. It was time she faced her past. Time to lay those demons to rest. It was the only way she could truly move on.
She kissed Nash once more. “I better pack.”
“We’ve got a couple of hours.” His hands were in her hair. On her body. Pulling at her clothes.
“We do?” Her voice was husky as she positioned herself on top of him.
He nodded. “I booked our flights back when I arrived.”
“That’s ballsy.”
“I’m a ballsy kind of guy.” His fingers grazed her nipples, and she hissed. “I haven’t seen you naked in five months, so I’m going to apologize now, because this is going to be a quick one.” He froze, a look of panic on his face. “We can do this, right? I don’t know how this works.”
Honey kissed him. “It works the same as always, though I might be too much for you to handle.” She reached for his shirt. “All the hormones.”
“I’ll take my chances.” Nash grinned, and Honey ordered the dog off the sofa, and they got down to the important task of getting naked.
You Own My Heart Page 19