So I sat back, my shoulders trembling, the air heaving in my chest. I’d packed a suitcase and had it with me now, the little travel-sized case humble and tiny. And the thought of my drab, bare apartment on the Lower East Side was depressing, but at least it was still mine. I dreaded going over there, dreaded letting myself into that lonely, cold room, but the library was closing soon and I’d have no choice. Suddenly, a ring jolted me from my stupor. Picking up my cell, I saw that it was my mom.
“Hi Linda,” I said, speaking quietly into the receiver. “Let me go outside.” Slowly, I tiptoed out of the reading room and into a common area filled with light and the buzzing sound of conversations.
“Hi Ma,” I said a little louder, standing in a corner, plugging up one ear with a finger. “I’m at the library so I can’t talk long, but how are you? How’s your vacation going?”
“Hi honey,” squealed my mom. I held the receiver away from my head, wincing. So much for my warning, Linda never took instruction well. “How are you baby?” she trilled. “I haven’t talked to you in so long!”
My mom had been sailing the world with her new beau, a silver fox who wined and dined her like no tomorrow. But Charles was genuinely nice, and I was glad my mom had someone to spend time with.
“How are you hon?” repeated my mom. “I’ve missed you! Tell me everything,” she gushed.
“Well, you know I’m divorced now,” I started slowly.
But my mom just pooh-poohed.
“Oh honey, Gary was never right for you. I know you dated two years and all but some people are able to keep things hidden for years, for years baby. Remember that douche Michael that I dated back in ’05? He was in the mafia and I didn’t even know until after we broke up.”
I winced at that one. Linda was still beautiful at forty and had dated non-stop since I was two, my dad leaving when I was just a baby. And I agreed, the whole mafia situation had been unbelievable. We’d thought Michael was an insurance salesman, a totally blah white-bread dude, but instead he turned out to be not Michael, but Massimo of the Valetti Crime Family, a hired assassin who’d committed countless atrocities. And as the kicker, it was only when the FBI came knocking that my mom and I found out.
But the situation with Tucker was different. I mean, Michael being a hitman was so far-fetched to be almost ludicrous, straight out of a movie. But my life was no movie, and the current situation didn’t have a happy ending.
So I began explaining to my mom, slowly at first, then picking up steam. Linda and I don’t talk that often, she’s always traveling on some jaunt or another, so this was as good a time as any, and once I got into the groove, it all tumbled out, the deliveries that went awry, moving in together, my lover’s horrific betrayal.
“So let me get this straight,” said Linda slowly. The satellite phone was so good, so sensitive, that I could almost feel the sway of the boat she was on, hear the lap of waves against the hull. “The man you’re dating is incredibly successful, and not a delivery man at all,” she said slowly.
“Sort of, yes,” I acknowledged. “But there’s a bigger point. Tucker lied to me, he could have told me the truth at any point but he never said anything.”
I could almost hear my mom shaking her head.
“But what did you expect?” she asked. “That your man was going to be upfront and open with you from the very beginning, especially given his past experiences with women?”
I paused for a moment.
“Well yes,” I said righteously. “I mean, you should always give your lover the benefit of the doubt. If you start off on a suspicious note it just gets you off on a bad foot, poisons the well.”
My mom was silent for a moment. I was obviously touchy and she didn’t want to set me off.
“But honey,” continued my mom gently, “this guy Tucker explained why he didn’t tell you his identity at first, why he kept it a secret. He was afraid that you might only want him for his money because that’s what women in his past found most attractive.”
“But that’s not me! He didn’t have to test me!” I cried vehemently. “I work in government for crying out loud, helping translate signs so that immigrants and new Americans know where the bathroom is. Of course I’m not about the money, why would I take a job like this? I could be working anywhere else and make twice as much.”
My mom paused for a moment.
“Honey, don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that you’re a do-gooder but I think you’re mixing two things up,” she said gently. “Just because you work for nothing doesn’t mean that you’re not interested in money. The two don’t cancel each other out, and one doesn’t necessarily imply the other,” she said.
I paused for a moment contemplating. Sure, I guess bad people sometimes do good things, and good people do bad things. But my commitment to helping others surely telegraphed that I wasn’t on the market for a rich husband, right? Wasn’t that obvious? But before I could speak, my mom continued.
“And besides,” said Linda, “Tucker’s been the target of dozens of ladies, probably hundreds of women, young and old, would love to be Mrs. McGrath, die to have his ring on their finger.”
That made a shiver run down my spine. Another woman as Tucker’s wife? The thought made me blanch, keel over with pain. But I had my pride.
“I’ve never said anything about marriage,” I said stiffly. “I only just got divorced.”
“Of course honey,” my mom said in a conciliatory voice. “Of course. But you do understand why Tucker is the way he is? It sounds like he’s had to ward off golddiggers a couple times, and just like you, once burned, twice shy. He’s careful now, he doesn’t just open up his soul to anyone. The walls come down slowly as two people get to know one another, build bridges of trust and understanding.”
And I snorted a little rudely then.
“Okay Ma, you sound like Dr. Phil or some radio station love guru, but I guess you’d know, you’ve been married four times,” I said snarkily.
But my mom took the insults in a breeze. I guess being a parent helps the comments roll off, impertinent kids are par for the course.
“It’s not the four marriages,” replied my mom lightly. “It’s that I’m older now, been through a lot, had my heart broken a couple times and picked myself up along the way. Trust me honey, this isn’t the disaster you’re making it out to be. In fact, this guy sounds like he really loves you baby, really respects you for your choices, the fact that you’re clearly not about his wealth. Give him another chance,” she said persuasively. “You owe it to him … and yourself.”
But I wasn’t having it.
“I don’t owe Tucker McGrath anything,” I snapped, “Nothing at all.”
And my mom just sighed, her voice crackling a bit with static.
“Well have it your way, but take it from someone who’s been through marriage four times,” she said wryly. “This guy sounds like a catch and he seems to really be into you. Don’t lose it just because of something small, because you might not be able to get it back,” she said with a rueful sigh. “Even if you apologize, sometimes it’s never the way it was.”
And I paused for a moment, suddenly alarmed. A pit opened up in my stomach and my brain froze like ice. I’d acted completely on impulse, storming to NYC Concierge, busting in and confronting Tucker before all his employees, making a scene like none other. Had I crossed a line already? Was it too late, the damage done?
And I dropped my head miserably, trying not to cry. I had no idea how to proceed next, what to do, how to help myself and I felt all alone with no support, no shoulder to lean on. Oh god, was I already yesterday’s trash to the big man, left out on the sidewalk to be hauled to the dump? Had I mixed myself up to the point where there was no return, no going back? Suddenly, I was miserable and lost … without Tucker.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Tucker
I have to say Laurie had some nerve. Showing up at NYC Concierge unannounced, making a scene in front of my employees, raining fi
re and brimstone with that curvy, fine form on display for all to see. I shook my head because fuck, it all belonged to me, and I loved seeing her rage, her energy, that earthiness brought to life.
And that’s what I love about the sassy female. Laurie’s not afraid to hold back, she tells me what’s real, calls me on my shit and that’s what a partner’s for, right? Someone to tell you when you’re off, earning your respect without putting you down. Okay, it hadn’t been the most tactful way of pointing out my weaknesses, but we could work on that, there were years ahead together, wrapped around each other, fighting, loving, laughing, while nurturing our mutual love. I knew now for certain that she was right for me, my missing other half, and I couldn’t wait to get the ring on her finger.
And I wasn’t too worried. Sure, Laurie had disappeared, some of her stuff was gone, a suitcase missing from the shelf, but she’d be back. Because she’d forgotten something important – the key to her old apartment. Oh yeah, I’d started paying the rent on that place over her insistent refusals. If the brunette wanted to keep an empty apartment as a back-up, fine, but I drew the line at her paying rent. I wasn’t going to let her keep forking over eight hundred dollars a month on a government employee’s salary, so I’d taken over the lease, my name at the top, and I had the key now.
And sure enough, come ten p.m., the front door creaked open, revealing my best girl looking a little bedraggled, dragging her suitcase behind her.
“Hey,” I drawled, eyeing her up and down. “How’s it goin’? About to attack me again?”
The brunette’s eyes immediately shot sparks, and I laughed aloud, loving the fire within.
“Very funny, Tucker,” she said, giving me the stink-eye.
“Very funny what?” I asked innocently, my hands up in the air.
“You know,” she replied huffily. “I don’t have the key to my old apartment anymore. You do,” she accused.
And I held my hands up again in a take-no-prisoners style.
“Of course I do, honey, I pay the rent on that place, or have you forgotten?” I asked smarmily.
My clown act really annoyed her and she frowned, a hot flush running over her cheeks and down her chest, disappearing into her blouse. Fuck, just the thought of those nipples turning rosy, becoming luscious red cherries made my dick pop out, my boner start singing.
But Laurie just shook her head, eyes closed, as if really tired. And suddenly a wave of concern came over me. My little girl had been walking around the city for hours now, dragging this suitcase behind her, probably seeking shelter in coffee shops, park benches, and the local McDonald’s. My heart twisted and I jumped up.
“Here baby,” I said, my tone rough, vacating my stool at the kitchen counter. “Sit down and I’ll get you something to eat.”
Because I stand by my previous assessment that Laurie would look better heavier, and I’d been working on that the past couple months, ordering trays full of food, high calorie options like mashed potatoes and chocolate cake whenever I could. I love my girl curvy and with just a little more, a little more heft, more swing, she’d be a fifteen on a scale of ten, her boobs, ass and hips the stars of the show.
And Laurie gave in, heaving herself onto my vacant stool with a sigh, but not before pinning me with a stare.
“But we have to talk,” she demanded. “And I mean seriously, Tucker, no clowning around.”
“Absolutely not,” I said with a wry smile. “My lips are sealed, you do the talking, I’ll cook,” I mimed, zipping up my mouth and tossing the key before turning to the fridge and digging out a carton of eggs. Oh yeah, Tucker McGrath’s Famous Four Egg omelet was coming right up, with a load of bacon and ham, topped off with gooey cheddar and a dollop of sour cream. Fuck yeah, that’s what my baby needed to keep her curves lusciuos.
And Laurie just sighed again.
“Tucker,” she said slowly. “I need to know why you didn’t trust me. Why you felt like you had to hide your real identity.”
I turned to her.
“What do you mean?” I feigned innocence, “I didn’t hide anything, you could have googled me any time. There’s a ton of shit about me on the web. Most of it false,” I added, my brow knotting.
And she glared at me again.
“Yeah, but I didn’t,” she snorted. “I was the dumbest girl on earth and I trusted you. I thought you were who you said you were, Tucker McGrath, delivery man and nothing more.”
I sighed. Laurie deserved a real answer, she was so precious to me, so amazing, and I owed it to her.
“Hon, I trusted you, I’m just more of a ‘see how the land lies’ type of guy,” I explained slowly.
A pause.
“What does that mean?” she asked, tipping her head.
I sighed again.
“I guess it means seeing how the land lies before making a decision,” I replied, beating the eggs, the rhythmic tinkle of the fork in the bowl strangely soothing. “I’ve had a lot of bad experiences baby, and I want to see what a woman’s like before I commit, really put myself on the line.”
Laurie blushed a little at the word “commit,” and I could understand why. We were entering into serious territory here with conversation about the future, about what we might be for the long-term. Of course we’d bantered in the past, joking, always playful, but this was the first time we were talking as two adults about our future, without my dick in her body in some way, shape or form. So I buckled down, really focusing.
And the brunette was no one’s fool, tilting her head to the side and looking at me speculatively
“But don’t you think you should have been honest with me from the get-go?” she asked. “I mean, it’s not exactly great if a relationship starts off based on a load of lies.”
I sighed deeply. I could see what the girl was getting at, and she had a point. But I had a point too, and I wanted to find some way to compromise, find middle ground to settle on.
“Baby of course,” I said slowly. “But I try not to see it as lies, it’s more omission.”
“You mean lying by omission?” Laurie interjected quickly. Damn, this girl was sharp, exactly my type.
“Sort of,” I conceded. “I didn’t want to tell you who I was and what I do for a living because I wanted to get to know you first. Is that so wrong?”
The brunette paused for a moment.
“But how could we get to know each other authentically if I didn’t have even basic facts about you?” asked Laurie, head cocked. “It’d be so fake, so misleading.”
Shit, this girl deserved a Ph.D in psychology, she was psyching me out mentally on all fronts, winning the game before it even started.
But I made another go of it.
“Laurie, honey,” I said gently, “Please try to see it from my perspective. I’ve been hunted by women on all sides for twenty years now, and I’ve put up barriers. Just like you’ve put up barriers too,” I said, wandering into taboo territory.
The girl paused again.
“You mean, how I moved in with you in a week? Or how I slept with you within five minutes, when we didn’t even know each other’s names? Those barriers?” she said wryly.
And I laughed because the brunette was right, but my point was that she had walls too, she didn’t put herself all out there from the get-go either.
“Baby,” I began again, “the barriers you have are different from mine. Because of your divorce,” I said slowly, “you’re really sensitive to betrayal and guys misrepresenting themselves. So this … situation,” I stumbled a little, not sure what to call it, “hits you in an especially sore spot. I’m me, I’m Tucker, there’s just more to me than you realized.”
And surprisingly, the brunette didn’t fly off the handle.
“I know,” she said nodding. “I know I’m sensitive because my ex did a number on me, it was like I’d married a stranger. So yeah, I didn’t want to make the same mistake again, and when it turned out you were different from what you portrayed, I was angry,” she said with a deep
exhale.
“Angry?” I asked, eyebrows raised, my hand stilling for a moment on the frying pan. “More like a murderous rage.”
“Okay, really angry,” she corrected ruefully. “I lost my shit, I admit it. And Tucker,” she said quietly, “I’m sorry I made such a scene, I’m sorry I showed up at NYC Concierge and embarrassed you in front of your staff.”
I thought about torturing the brunette a bit, making her writhe, but the girl looked so genuine and remorseful, that I took pity. Besides, I loved Laurie and only wanted her to be happy, to see those lips smile once again, to see her eyes sparkle.
“Honey, there was nothing better than you coming to the office today, filled with fire, life, so beautiful, spitting epithets with that sweet mouth. All I wanted to do was let everyone know that you were mine,” I said seriously, putting the pan down. Who gave a fuck about omelets? I just wanted this woman to know how much I loved her, how much I adored everything about her.
And Laurie looked up again, her eyes meeting mine, hopeful, soft.
“Really?” she asked quietly. “I didn’t humiliate you, didn’t make you hate me?”
And I stroked her cheek then, that softness velvety under the rough tips of my fingers.
“Baby, the opposite,” I murmured against her mouth. “I was thinking of making it permanent.”
And she closed her eyes, leaning into me, lightly licking my lips with her tongue.
“You mean, moving back in together, both of us on the lease, me giving up my old apartment, that kind of permanent?”
And I chuckled then, growling deep in my throat.
“No honey, not that kind. This kind,” I said, removing the velvet box from my pocket. “Look baby, open your eyes and look.”
Because Laurie was under my spell already, I could see the fire in her eyes, the deep burn within, how much she wanted it, her body soft and ready against mine. But first, there was the important business of getting engaged.
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