“I can’t keep any more secrets. Everyone already knows what happened.”
“Okay. We don’t keep secrets. I also don’t want to just reveal the fact that we slept together while on vacation,” I said quickly. “At least not at a Montgomery family dinner or anything.”
Beckett shuddered. “No, that’s not something we’re going to do. Ever. If the girls ask you?”
“Then I’ll tell them.”
“I’ll tell the guys. We’re going to tell them that we slept together on vacation so there’s no secrets. Then what? Seriously, what happens when we get home?”
I looked at him and swallowed hard. “I don’t know what I want, Beckett. I do know I don’t want it to go back to the way it was. When we were both trying to live in each other’s orbits without actually speaking about anything important. I don’t want to be the person who cries in your lap anymore.”
“I’ll always be there if you need to cry in my lap,” he whispered, and I swallowed hard, tears pricking the backs of my eyes.
“I know that. I totally do. And it should scare me, but it doesn’t. All I know is that I don’t want to lose this friendship. Maybe we should just see what it feels like when we get home.”
He nodded and swallowed hard. “That sounds like a plan. We’ll get home, unpack, let everybody know about our vacation so there’s no secrets—because God forbid we have any more of those—and then we’ll decide what we want and what to do.”
“Maybe the whole vacation haze made things a little easier.”
“There’s nothing easy about what we did last night,” he drolled, and I laughed.
“True. Although some things were a little easier than I thought they would be,” I said with a wink, trying to defuse the situation.
Anxiety filled me, and I wanted to shake, wanted to do something. Still, I tried to smile. Tried to pretend like I wasn’t freaking out inside.
“Okay, so we go to the airport. We go home. And then we regroup.”
“So this might be the last time I ever see you naked?” I said with a tease, wincing.
“I sure as fuck hope not,” he growled and then kissed me again.
The sheet fell, and I groaned. And then Beckett was over me, hovering. His cock was hard, pressed against my belly. I wrapped myself around him.
When my phone rang, he pulled away, both of our chests heaving as we stopped to catch our breath.
“I sure as hell hope not,” I repeated his words. I reached over and looked at the phone. “It’s Annabelle.”
“You should answer. I should get back to my room and pack.”
Something twisted inside me. Why did this feel like an ending? Though perhaps it should be. “We’re on different flights home,” I reminded him.
“We can still go to the airport together.”
And then we’d figure things out.
He left after I watched him dress. I waited to call Annabelle back.
Instead, I quickly texted her that I called her right back, checked into my flight, and swallowed hard again.
Had I made a mistake? I didn’t want to lose my friend. Something had happened last night. Something more than the sex. I wasn’t the same person I was when I started this trip.
I wasn’t even the same person I had been when I woke up. Change sure happened fast when you weren’t expecting it. I looked down at my phone. I knew I needed to pack, but I let the tears fall instead. I wasn’t upset. This emotion wasn’t for what’d happened the night before.
It wasn’t about Beckett at all. It was about me. Because things had changed. And somehow, I needed to catch up. I would.
I needed to breathe. And then I would find out who I needed to be. And if this was a moment in time that would never be repeated, I would have to be okay with that. I would have to hope that I hadn’t lied to Beckett.
About this not being a mistake. Because I had enough of those waiting for me at home. Enough choices to make.
I didn’t know if Beckett Montgomery needed to be one of them.
Chapter 16
Beckett
* * *
Eliza: Thank you for letting me know you made it home.
Me: Always. Will I see you soon?
I didn’t know why I even asked. Of course, we would see each other soon. We always did. We had a weekly Thursday night group event at Riggs’. That didn’t mean I could see her in any other capacity, though. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I focus?
That had been the problem with everything before I even left on that so-called vacation. And now here I was, acting as if I were outside of my body again, watching, unable to make a decision. I was lost. All I wanted was for Eliza to ask me more. And that didn’t make any sense. We were friends. She was a friend that I couldn’t stop thinking about—in ways that I shouldn’t.
There were too many obstacles between us. Marshall. What Marshall had done. Our families. Our friends. All of it. I had dinner plans with my brothers later tonight, and they would be welcoming me home before I had to go into work the next day. I knew they wanted to check on me since everybody knew what had happened. And I wanted to see them. I needed to face them and tell them that I was sorry that I was an idiot.
I needed to talk to Brenna, but she hadn’t answered when I called earlier, and I was still waiting on her text back. I knew she was busy with an upcoming wedding, but still, we had left things unsaid. As all of that cascaded within me, I had thoughts of Eliza on my brain. I needed to focus, and I couldn’t.
Eliza: I’ll see you on Thursday at Riggs’ right?
Me: Yeah. If not before. Just let me know.
I was one minute away from passing a note during study hall and wondering how she felt about me. Hell, I needed a drink. Or a nap. Or to get Eliza off my mind. That wasn’t going to happen.
I felt that deep down in my bones. And that was the problem.
Eliza: Is everything awkward now?
I swallowed hard and sat on the couch.
Me: Maybe? I can’t stop thinking about you. Remember, no secrets. Well, here I am. I want to see you again, Eliza.
We had said no secrets, and I needed to make sure I kept that promise. With everybody. First, I needed to say this. And hope to hell she didn’t run away from the phone.
Eliza: I want to see you again soon. Even if we might be ruining everything.
I cringed, not liking the sound of that.
Me: Friends first. Always.
Eliza: Promise. I need to go. My brother’s calling me. But no secrets. And I miss you.
I bit my lip and let out a relieved sigh.
Me: Miss you, too.
Hell, things had changed so much in only a few days. Maybe that’s what was supposed to happen. Change flipped on a dime and scared you into a new life.
I needed to apologize to those I had hurt. Figure out who I needed to be. And wonder what the hell I should do.
I set down my phone and went to get something to drink, just to focus before my brothers arrived. I needed to talk with Brenna. I needed to talk to my parents. And I had work to do. I had so much shit on my mind, yet the only thing I could think about was Eliza.
It was a problem.
At least I wasn’t thinking about the shooting every single moment anymore. There had been a change. Even though it probably wasn’t for the better.
The doorbell rang as soon as I got to the kitchen, so I turned around, wondering if one of my brothers was early. When I peeked, Brenna stood there, her feet tucked into her Crocs, flour on her shoulder, and a touch of frosting in her hair. She looked as if she had just come from a busy day at the bakery. She looked exhausted, though I didn’t think she looked mad at me. Disappointed, perhaps? I didn’t know. Once again, I knew I’d likely fucked up. I needed to fix it.
“Brenna.”
“Can I come in?” she asked, and I moved away, frowning. She used to just let herself in. Because she was Brenna. My best friend.
The one I had thought loved me because I was a fucki
ng idiot. A woman I had hidden things from when I shouldn’t have.
“So…” she began softly.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted.
She gave me a soft smile. “I’m sorry you couldn’t tell me. And I realize that makes it all about me, and I don’t really like myself much right now.” She cringed as she said it, and I reached out, but she pulled away. It felt like a punch to the gut because Brenna always let me hug her. I kept changing the dynamics between us. I needed to fix it. I just didn’t know how.
“The guys sent me somewhere to go and breathe, and I don’t know if I could have done it here. I just needed to get my head out of my ass.”
Brenna looked up at me. “You almost died. Your friend from school did die. Brian. Did I ever meet him?” she asked, frowning.
I shook my head. “I don’t think so. Lee knew him, but he wasn’t really close to us.”
“And Lee knew you’d been hurt.”
“I wasn’t really hurt,” I said softly. “I ache every once in a while, but I’m fine.”
“You weren’t fine. We both know that.”
“No, I wasn’t fine. And I needed to talk to somebody about it. And I didn’t. I don’t know, maybe because I was scared? Because I felt like I should’ve done something more? I just couldn’t bring myself to say anything. And the more I didn’t speak up, the harder it got. I’m sorry. I should’ve come to you. Or anybody. I had never been through something like that before.”
“I get it,” she whispered. “I do. You were scared. I almost lost you, and I didn’t even know it. I hate that you changed things between us, though. And I don’t know what it means. I shouldn’t feel like it’s all about me. It’s not. You lied to us, Beckett. You’ve lied to us for a long time.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Not just about that. You constantly pushed us away when we were worried about how your dad was treating you. You always do that. When it’s too much, you don’t want to talk about it. Your dad was so mean to you and kept taking over your projects, and yet you didn’t talk to us about it. You just assumed that you could handle it all. And maybe you can. Everything became very one-sided, though. As if you couldn’t trust us to help you.”
“Brenna…”
“No. Something was wrong, and I couldn’t help you. I wish you would have let me. Because you give so much of yourself to help us, and yet you won’t let us do the same for you. You know it’s always sort of been the four of us. I have my relationship with Annabelle and Paige and Eliza. It was you, me, Benjamin and Lee. That’s who we started as. And then you slowly cut yourself off. From your twin. From Lee. From the way your dad treated you, to how you fell into work and pretended that you could handle everything on your own. You’ve changed, Beckett. And you were keeping secrets. Big ones. I wish you’d trusted me to help.”
I swallowed hard. “The stuff with my dad has resolved itself. We’re better now.”
“Maybe. I wouldn’t know, because you’re not talking about it with me. You bottle everything up inside and don’t talk to me about it. Maybe it’s because I’m not the person you love—and I’m not saying I need to be,” she added quickly when my eyes widened. “I do not need you to love me like that. I don’t love you like that. You need somebody. It’s not me.”
I opened my mouth to tell her about Eliza, even though it probably wasn’t the best time. I didn’t want there to be secrets. However, as she gave me a look and shook her head, I knew I couldn’t tell her. Not yet. Except, I had to. Damn it. I needed to.
“I’m going to go now. Mostly because I’m in the middle of work and need to get back, but I just want you to know that I’ll always love you.”
I wanted to growl. To hit something. I was fucking all of this up. “I love you too, but sometimes I just need to be in my head. I don’t mean to do this. To hurt you.”
“It’s not about me,” she said quickly. “It can’t be. I love you, Beckett. You hold so much in. I just…I need to figure out some things about myself, and it has nothing to do with you. That’s why I’m so grumbly and out of sorts. I swear. It’s not just about you. It’s part of it because I’m worried about you. Not only about the shooting. Or how your father treats you. About everything. So, I’m going to go. I love you. Just talk to someone. Because I don’t think it can be me. At least not until we both get our heads on straight.”
She rose on tiptoe, kissed my cheek, and left, leaving me to wonder what the hell had just happened. That couldn’t have only been about me. Something else was going on with her.
I stood there, trying to collect my thoughts, right before the door opened and Lee walked in, his brows raised. “Okay, what the fuck just happened? You sounded okay on the phone. And yet, here you are, standing with the door not even closed all the way and looking like you just lost your best friend.” He frowned. “Was Brenna here? What’s wrong? Is she okay?”
Benjamin and Archer followed him in, concern etched on their faces, as well. “What the hell? What’s going on?” Archer walked in and cupped my face. “Look at me. Are you okay? Do we need to call someone?”
I pushed my brother away and scowled. “I’m fine. I think so, anyway. And, yes, Brenna was just here. And she made me feel like an asshole.”
“Well, you are an asshole,” Benjamin grumbled.
I flipped him off, then cringed. “Sorry.”
Benjamin shrugged. “No need to be sorry. We love you. You sounded relaxed on the phone, and we wanted to know how everything went, considering I heard you had a friend there.”
I froze. “Excuse me?” I asked softly.
Lee grinned. “I was talking to my friend who owns the resort, and it seems that he has a friend who has a sister who was also there. Do you want to tell us why you didn’t mention that Eliza was there, too? After you tell us what happened with Brenna, of course.”
I looked at them and then went into the kitchen to get a beer. “I need booze for this.”
“Are we all going to need alcohol for this?” Archer asked.
“All of it. Any booze we can get,” I answered.
“Well, good thing we brought food,” Benjamin said as he set things down on the kitchen island. “What happened?”
I rubbed my temples. “Brenna was just here too, rightly getting on my case for keeping secrets.”
“Told you that you should have told her,” Lee grumbled.
“That’s not very helpful right now, Lee.”
“I still don’t know why you didn’t tell anyone when it happened,” Benjamin said and shrugged when I glared at him.
“It didn’t make sense in my head why I didn’t. I just needed to keep it inside. To work through it. And then it got awkward, and then it got horrible, and here we are. It’s not like I can go back and fix it. I apologize. It’s not enough.”
“I forgive you,” Archer said, and we all looked at him. “What?” he added. “You’re my brother. You’re going through shit. Of course, your brain isn’t going to fire on all synapses. How were you supposed to focus when your life was going off the rails? I totally get you needing to keep things to yourself, and not actually making the correct decisions. You’re not perfect. Nobody is.”
The way he said that made me feel like he was talking about something that had nothing to do with me, but he plowed on.
“I love you. Like a brother.”
Nobody laughed.
Archer cringed. “Well, then, I was trying to make a joke, but that’s apparently not going to work. Anyway… What else did Brenna say?”
“She said that she needs to figure out who she is or something.” I wanted to know more, but I didn’t think I had the right anymore.
“Is something wrong?” Benjamin asked, leaning forward. “What’s going on?”
I let out a breath that was more of a growl. “I don’t know. Brenna’s not telling me something. Just like I didn’t tell her. And now I feel like everything I thought was right when it came to Brenna is completely fucked up, and all I do is make mistak
es.”
“Did you have feelings for her beyond friendship?” Lee asked, and I shook my head as the others stared at me.
“No. In fact, both of us have been very clear that we don’t feel that way about each other.”
“You had to make it clear?” Archer asked, a brow raised.
“I did when things got fucked up because I was keeping secrets, and no one knew what those secrets were. I’m trying not to keep any more, but it seems like I have one more set,” I grumbled.
“Let me guess, this has to do with Eliza?” Lee asked.
I cursed.
“Yes.”
“Did you fucking sleep with her?” Benjamin grumbled.
Archer nearly spit out his beer. “Oh my God, that was not something I expected.”
My jaw tensed. “I didn’t even say if I did or not.”
“The answer’s etched all over your face.” Archer shook his head, a smile playing on his lips.
“Fine. We slept together. We might go on a date. It was a very intimate and weird weekend where, somehow, everything just made sense when we were together. And now that I’m home, I don’t know what I’m doing. I was supposed to go on this whole beach vacation to find myself or some shit, and I don’t even know why I went. I just found myself on a plane, and then, suddenly, I was there, and now I can’t even keep up with my thoughts. My best friend’s not talking to me. You guys are looking at me like I’m crazy, and Eliza and I told ourselves that we were going to tell people so there’d be no more secrets because they have a very bad tendency to fuck things up—in her life, and mine. No secrets between our friends. Our new rule. I didn’t tell Brenna about Eliza before she left my house because I was too busy wondering what the fuck was going on. Besides, she told me not to say anything else. And now Eliza is probably going to tell her and, once again, I’ll be the fucking asshole.”
Archer blinked and then moved behind me to a cupboard. He pulled out the tequila, four shot glasses, and poured them efficiently. “Okay, let’s begin.”
He handed out the shots, and we looked at each other and then downed them without salt or lime. No need with the kind of tequila the Montgomerys had on hand.
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