by Raine Miller
Ian and his mum had already done a big send-off dinner for me, and I’d had the talk with him about Elaina, and how he needed to look out for her in my absence. And most importantly, keep that cocksucker, Tompkins away from her. My mates had been by to wish me off, promising pints in the pub upon my safe return.
I opened my door to find Cora standing on the other side of it and was really glad that Elaina had gone out. Seeing Cora at my flat would not make her happy. Not at all. Elaina really despised Cora and had made her feelings known from the very beginning that she was persona non grata. I got it. Tompkins was the same for me with her.
“What can I do for you, Cora?”
She smirked. “Where’s your baby girlfriend, Neil?”
“None of your business, and her name is Elaina, as you well know.” I wouldn’t even address her other comment with a response. Pointless. “Look, I’m very busy getting ready to take off, so what is it that you want?”
“Only what you owe me, legally.”
I’m sure my eyes popped out of my skull. “What in the hell are you talking about, woman. I don’t owe you anything, legal or not.”
Just at that moment, Elaina came up the stairs laden with shopping bags and smack into our conversation. Cora turned and said, “Oh good, she’s here. You really need to know this too, doll.” Cora fished out a small square paper from her purse and shoved it at me.
I looked at it. Felt my heart get ripped from my chest and then thrown down onto the floor so it could be kicked around like a football. “What the fuckin’ hell is this?!”
“That,” she said with dramatic emphasis, “is our baby, Neil. Eight weeks gone. Isn’t he cute?”
I looked at Elaina standing in the hallway, a shopping bag in each hand, just standing frozen in place, hearing every poisonous word. Her face was white as a sheet.
“No! No, Cora, no fuckin’ way that’s mine! Elaina?” I found her with my eyes and begged, “Cherry, please don’t go away—”
Cora ignored us both and kept right on blabbing. “Oh, but there is a way, darling. Eight weeks ago? Remember? You’d just come home from your long, long, lonely tour and were quite out of your mind as I recall. So long without a woman...you needed a little something to take the edge off?” She snickered. “Quite a few times too. Condom problems…it happens.”
“No…” My gut churned, and the fear boiled over as her devastating words crushed my whole world. I had fucked Cora. More than once. The day I got home I went straight to the pub and started drinking. By the time Cora showed up there, I was pissing drunk and horny enough to shag a troll. And we ended up at her place in a sex marathon that was all about gettin’ off and nothing about feelings. I’d told her before we fucked that we weren’t going to be together afterward. One of the condoms did blow out… Cora had said not to worry… Oh. Fuck. No.
I stared at the image on the black and white photo she’d handed to me.
It couldn’t be mine. Could it? What would this do to Elaina? FUCK!
Cora turned and shrugged in Elaina’s direction while I kept staring at what I held in my hand. “Well, that’s all I wanted to tell you, darling. I know you’re off in the morning and thought you should know that you’re going to be a daddy. So take care of yourself over there. Be safe and all that rubbish, oh, and send me a cheque now and again. I have to pay the bills you know so I can take care of your child, Neil.”
And then, Cora walked out as I stared at the doctor’s scan and felt I might be sick. I didn’t even say anything. I couldn’t. I don’t know how many moments passed. Could have been a few seconds, could have been an hour but when I looked up, Elaina was gone. The only evidence to show she’d really been present to hear Cora’s claim, were the two shopping bags full of our dinner sitting on the floor at the top of the stairs.
The hours that followed were something out of a horror film. I couldn’t find her and I didn’t know where she had gone off to. She wouldn’t answer my calls or take my messages. Elaina’s mum said she’d called to say I’d left a day early and she was going to stay with a school friend. Elaina didn’t say which friend. Ian hadn’t heard from her. Both her mother and brother were mystified as to what was going on and couldn’t help me.
And I was out of time with no good options.
Desperate and terrified, I pulled every trick in the book trying to get an emergency extension of my tour, but was soundly vetoed. My final orders stood. Report to my commanding officer by the prescribed time in the morning or be arrested and tried in military court.
That night was one of the longest, most horrible experiences I can remember. I didn’t sleep for fear she might show up or ring me. She didn’t though.
The next morning I dragged myself to the train station in misery because my time was up. I scanned the platforms for any sign of her, my heart in shreds, terrified of what I’d say to her but desperately wishing for a chance to try to tell her how sorry I was, and how we could figure out what to do. I loved her, and couldn’t lose her, and I’d make things work out—somehow.
My Cherry Girl wasn’t there.
13
One year later
My final tour in the army had been the worst of my career. I saw the most dangerous action. The riskiest maneuvers attempted, the closest I ever came to dying. The most loss of life experienced of troops I knew and commanded. Just a total fuckin’ mess of events and situations all coalescing into a very dark time for me.
Coming out of it, I was a changed man. For many reasons, but the worst part was finally making it back home to London and finding out she really had gone. Elaina did take the au pair position and moved away to Italy to work within a few months of my leaving.
I’d lost my girl. My Cherry Girl was lost to me and I faced the prospect of living a life without her. During my tour, she never contacted me once. Her mum and Ian still did, but kept out of our business and accepted that whatever had happened between us was not up for discussion, ensuring our privacy was respected. It felt like she’d died, she was that lost to me. I think it would have hurt less if she had died.
When I returned to my flat I found a letter from her dated the day I’d left for Afghanistan.
Dear Neil,
This is terribly hard for me to say, but I have to. I release you. You’re free of anything you ever promised to me about us. I understand your situation and accept what you have to do about it. But, in order for me to survive it, I have to let you go. It’s the only way I can manage to get on with my life, and I ask for you to do the same with me. Let me go. Don’t come for me or try to change my mind. This is how it has to be now.
Goodbye, Neil, and please know that I’ll be wishing for you great success in all that you do, and praying for your safe return home wherever and whenever that may be.
Be well,
Elaina
I read and reread her letter a hundred times. There were some water splotches on it and I imagined they could have been from her tears. I couldn’t bear to throw it away but there were many times I nearly did. The dark times when I was so very angry with her for not giving me a chance to tell her anything about what really happened.
No, I didn’t get that from her. I didn’t get the chance to tell her about what I’d been through in the war. I didn’t get the chance to tell her of the new job opportunity I was offered from a fellow officer—who barely made it out of the army still breathing—we were determined to make into a success.
I didn’t get to tell her about the bizarre turn of events that left me the sole inheritor of a Scottish estate belonging to a great uncle I’d never met. There was a house and land involved along with a fair chunk of money, that left me in a very good place financially for the first time in my life. After actually seeing the place, I didn’t get the opportunity to tell her about it, or say how much I knew she’d love the grounds, or the little lake, or the old cherry trees that blossomed on the property, reminding me so much of our trip to Hallborough.
Everything was fucked up an
d my heart was broken.
And, most importantly, I couldn’t tell Elaina that I was definitely not the father of Cora’s baby. I’d been willing to face up to the responsibility of providing for the child if it was mine of course, but it wasn’t mine and Cora shared that with me as soon as her son was born. Whether she was being a decent human being or because it was instantly apparent I couldn’t have fathered him, I don’t know. The point was moot anyway, my loss too great to repair by then.
Cora had up and married the real father before I’d even returned home from my tour. A big Black bloke named Nigel. This was all confirmed when I saw them in the supermarket one day shortly after I got back. The little baby with all the chocolate skin belonged to somebody else. Cute though. I managed a very hollow-sounding ‘congratulations’ and walked out of there, the bitter taste of injustice and anger fueling me forward.
I still desperately longed for Elaina, but the resentment burning inside me at her leaving without a word, had hardened me. So hard that I closed off my emotions and accepted my fate. I’d known bitter disappointment and grief before and I’d lived through it. I was used to accepting things that hurt me terribly and crushed my heart. This was just another one of those.
I threw myself into work at Blackstone Security International, Ltd. as Vice President and Chief of Operations. The boss’s number one. We offered security services to high-profile clientele, politicians, dignitaries, celebrities and even members of the Royal Family on occasion. I traveled around a great deal, learning the business with Blackstone and working jobs that paid me very well, but left little time for socializing. Didn’t matter. I didn’t want society anyway. Any desire I’d ever had for love was in the hands of one unique person and she didn’t want me anymore.
I reached out to Elaina’s mum and asked about her. She told me Elaina was happy at her job in Italy and that she’d requested I not try to contact her. She just wanted the freedom to live her life and held no ill will toward me for whatever had gone wrong with us, but I wasn’t buying it. Of course she had ill will. She felt betrayed that I’d been with Cora. And then I’d had to abandon her for the better part of a year with a horrible fuckin’ break-up between us. The whole situation was worse than fucked.
I stayed close with Elaina’s mum and Ian, hoping for an opportunity where I might see her again, maybe on one of her visits home or something. That maybe, we’d get a chance to talk about what had happened with us. That maybe, seeing each other again would spark something and we could find our way back to that beautiful place where we’d been so in love.
I even grew desperate enough to track her down in Italy once, when I was there working on a job.
****
The Italian seaside in summer is a stunning place. The lush beauty seemed fitting somehow as the place where she was now living and working. Elaina deserved to have all that natural beauty surrounding her. That part made perfect sense to me.
I saw her from a distance on the beach in a sky blue bikini and a floppy black hat. Even from far away I recognized her. How could I ever forget? She looked so beautiful, my eyes stung as I soaked her in. Long cherry-coloured hair blew in the wind and whipped down her back. Lovely legs that went on for miles took small steps in the thick sand in order to accommodate the little ones she brought with her.
Elaina had two small charges, both girls that looked to be close in age, one in each hand and a big straw bag on her shoulder with their supplies for the day. It took everything in me not to rush up and take the bag away so I could carry it for her.
It fucking hurt to stay hidden, lurking in the shadows while she settled all three of them onto the beach. But stay hidden I did. In total agony.
I watched her build sandcastles with the girls until the tide came in and washed over their creations.
Washed away…wiped clean…erased…gone… As if it had never been.
I couldn’t bear to see anymore, and quickly realized it was not a good idea for me to be there stalking her. I felt ashamed for my covert methods and worse than if I’d never seen her again. Seeing Elaina once more with my eyes just made everything so much harder for me. I knew what I had to do.
The time had come for me to finally let her go.
Just as I was taking my last drink of her, she turned in my direction. Elaina turned to me and looked over. She couldn’t see me, I knew because I was well hidden, but she felt me. I know she felt my presence.
I’ll never stop loving you, Cherry Girl. Never. I can’t stop…and I won’t.
In that moment my heart just exploded, and what was left turned into a hardened mass of bits and pieces that weren’t worth very much.
My heart stayed hardened like that for a good while too. It had to in order for me to take my next breath and to function. So I learned to live with myself and got on with it. I didn’t have much of a choice, and in the end, accepting the hand I’d been dealt was easier than bluffing over the shit cards I was holding.
I worked hard, and lived hard, doing those things that a man needs to do to survive, no matter how hollow the aftermath leaves you feeling.
I did the most difficult thing I’d ever had to do in all my life.
I let her go.
I let my Cherry Girl go.
Part Three
Us
And now these three remain:
faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
I Corinthians 13:13~
14
Five years later
Blackstone Security International, Ltd. was housed in a sleek high rise building off the Liverpool Street station in downtown London. My new place of work. The company did a great deal of global business and had need of a receptionist with some fluency in the languages of Europe. I had Italian and French down well enough—I was still working on the German and the Spanish.
As it turns out, this job was perfect for me in a lot of ways. I’d missed England in the nearly six years since I’d been gone, so it was lovely to be home again and close to my family. Three years in Italy, and two in France had allowed me to experience other places and practice the native languages first-hand. And since there would be opportunity for travel around Europe, the job at Blackstone Security was sort of a combination of both worlds for me, and I liked that.
When Mum suggested I apply for the position, I’d thought it was because a friend from her card club had suggested how well suited I was for the job. Frances Connery was executive assistant to the owner and a longtime friend of my mother’s. My brother, Ian, had also put in a word for me apparently. He was a high-powered London solicitor now, and Blackstone Security International was one of his top clients. He worked in the same building only two floors down, so we saw each other quite a bit. Sometimes a little too much because I’d discovered just how much all the ladies loved Ian. And the reasons behind it. Disgusting hearing how good your brother was in bed. Bleh. Talk about someone who needed to settle down.
My new job seemed almost too good to be true, and I’d been only been working there for about two weeks, when I found out why.
“The team is back today from the job in Madrid. You’ll get to meet Mr. Blackstone finally. He’ll probably be in later than usual though from all the traveling. I’ll introduce you to him and the rest of the crew as soon as they all get in. Coffee, dear?” Frances, my immediate supervisor, gestured to the pot in the break room.
“Yes, please. I still have so many people to meet before I know everyone that works here.” Several were always out on large-scale team jobs, so that the whole company was never all together at the same time.
“Not to worry, my dear.”
She handed me a cup of coffee that I immediately started doctoring with sweetener.
“Well, I hope I’m a good fit for them, you know, Frances?”
“Oh, you are, dear, you are. You’re doing an excellent job so far, and I know Ethan will be pleased to have someone with your skills here at BSI, now that there is so much international work for them.�
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“Thank you for that. I’m really loving it here. I’m nearly done with the contract from the Italian consulate and can get started on the others later today.”
“You’re a gem, darling,” she said, breezing out of break room with her coffee.
I got back to work at my desk, engrossed in translation and fielding calls when the most handsome man came through reception. Handsome didn’t really accurately describe him though, stunning was more like it. Dark hair, blue eyes, tall, built, serious, and acting like he owned the place. The light bulb went on. This was Ethan Blackstone, and he actually did own the place.
“Morning,” he said, with a nod and a thorough look at me.
“Good morning, sir,” I said as he passed. He used his key code, and walked through to the main floor.
I blew out a breath and hoped I’d passed the boss’s screening. This job really suited me and I wanted it to stick.
****
I preferred to take my lunch and eat outside in the courtyard if the weather was decent. If I had any extra time, I’d pull out my Kindle and read for a few minutes. I loved reading fiction of all kinds and found that if I purchased the popular books in other languages, it helped me stay sharp, and gave opportunity to master the ones I was still working on. Right then I was enjoying JR Ward’s Lover Unbound in Spanish and really captivated by the angst of urban vampires fighting extinction in the modern world. Until the space on the bench beside me was taken up, that is.
“Hello gorgeous, what have you brought for me today?” He poked a finger into my floral lunch bag and peered in.
“God, Denny, don’t you ever stop?”
He took a grape from my bag and popped it into his mouth. “Why should I stop? You’re back in England, and you work somewhere near, because you come out of that building over there like clockwork to eat your lunch.” He nodded his head toward my building.