by Martha Carr
"If it's the last good thing we do," whispered Eireka smiling, tears in her eyes. "But please, don't let it be."
Chapter Seventeen
The sound of bird calls could be heard throughout the nondescript building in Alexandria, Virginia, home to the PDF.
"They're coming to get ya, Patsy." Lois cackled, leaning back in her swivel chair.
Lois took out her wand and waved it in front of the virtual screen, changing it back to the official government channel.
"Just when Hoda and Kathie Lee were gonna pick a winner. I sent in my entry this week, you know." She pushed her glasses back up her nose.
"You send one in every week," said Patsy.
"The prize was a gas grill with all the attachments. Earl would have loved that!"
"You know darn well you can charcoal something in under a minute with a wave of your wand right in your own kitchen."
"Last time I did that I smoked my best kitchen towel. The one that said, give peas a chance. Poof!" She waved her hand in the air. "Went up like that. I cussed a blue streak. Earl tried to find another one but came home with some godawful thing with cows and chickens on it. I don't collect cows and chickens, Patsy!"
"Uh oh, look Lois. They've come with reinforcements. That can't be good."
Lois rolled herself closer to the screen, scrunching up her nose to keep her glasses in place. General Anderson was with them. He glanced up at the security camera by the door. "That's not a battalion. That's not even enough for a good game of Bunko." She looked at Patsy tidying up the place.
"What in tarnation are you doing? They aren't coming to fire us. They need us. They like us. They see the two of us as relatively harmless." She arched an eyebrow doing her best imitation of sinister. "Foolish humans." She cackled again.
"Ever since all that trouble started with the necklace, and the skirmish with the Silver Griffins and then we had to help move those Willens! What next? These are not ordinary times!" She stopped long enough to eat a handful of green peanut M&Ms. The sound of birds grew louder.
"Oooh, you're eating your secret stash of green ones. You really are worried. Calm down, girl. Earl always says humans come in little groups like that when they have any kind of news, good or bad. Maybe it's good news!"
"When's the last time they marched in here to tell us good news? They'd make that young witch from down the hall come tell us. The one that's afraid of her own shadow. You know the one, Eloise. I think she's a distant cousin of somebody."
"And she's a witch! You think you're related to every witch and wizard out there," retorted Lois.
There was a knock at the door and Patsy and Lois looked at each other. The general had never bothered to knock before.
"A knock is good news," whispered Lois. "They want something. If they're firing you, they come in like you're suddenly trespassing on their property."
"Come in." Patsy sang out in her most congenial voice, quickly slipping her wand into her pocket. She bit her lower lip and kept her hand resting in her pocket, just in case.
The door swung wide and the general strode in, walking just under the screen, his hat under his arm. He was followed by more than his usual number of aides. Lois stayed seated, pursing her lips, sizing them up. "What can we do for you?" It was just like her to ask the obvious. Lois was only big on her own small talk.
The general gave a smile, making Lois roll her eyes. Patsy inched her wand out of her pocket just far enough to mumble a spell and send a hard poke in Lois' direction. Finally, her chance to get back at Lois.
"Sons of bitches!" Lois yelped, jumping out of her chair. Patsy's eyes grew wider as the aides jumped around the general, their hands on their guns.
"I told you so, Lois!"
The general was still standing there calmly, a smile planted firmly on his face. He was there on a mission and nothing was going to get in his way. "Well, that's not the first time I've been greeted that way. Ladies." He nodded as Lois rubbed her side and sat down, scowling at Patsy.
Patsy whispered, "Sorry, not sorry," and crossed her arms over her chest.
"We've come to offer you a new assignment. A promotion of sorts." The general paused, waiting for some kind of enthusiastic response.
"Well, is it a promotion or not?" Lois frowned as her glasses slid down her nose. It didn't help that she was also smarting from missing her show and her mid-morning snack. Whatever restraint she could usually muster was wearing thin. "Usually, when you government types use the words, of sorts, it means more work, no more money. Lay it out for us. We don't need the spin. What's gone wrong that you want us to fix?"
"Lois, hear the man out."
"Put your hand on your wand again and I'll fill your drawers with a peck of dirt till they hang between your knees."
The aides backed up behind the general but he still waited patiently. An aide whispered in his ear, "These are the two witches you wanted?" The general raised a hand, a momentary look of frustration passing across his face, as he batted the man away like a pesky gnat. He was determined to have things go right. He had heard stories about Lois and her abilities in her younger days. She had been a legend in the Silver Griffins. But he was going to keep that to himself a little longer. He cleared his throat and started again. "Ladies, your country needs you."
"Uh oh," said Lois. "They're drafting us. I have to say I did not see that coming. Makes sense though. We could clean things up, lickety split. I'm pretty sure I'm over the age limit. Hell, the weight limit for that matter." Her nerves had set in and she was talking faster and faster.
The general raised his hand again, briefly shutting his eyes. Lois abruptly shut her mouth, pressing her lips together, taking deep breaths. It didn't work. "Oh hell, say it already. Now you've even got me nervous and that is a tall task."
"We want to promote you to a new part of the PDF and make you PDAs to back up Agent Leira Berens." He said the words as fast as he could before he could be interrupted. But neither lady said a thing and instead just stared at him. He took in a deep breath and relaxed, warming to his topic. "You will have multiple responsibilities, of course. You've proven your abilities here at the PDF and kept this country safe from random acts of magic but the times have changed."
"I was just telling Patsy that!"
"Other countries have established their own PDFs and have been gathering artifacts."
Patsy scooped up another handful of green M&Ms, stuffing them into her mouth two at a time till she resembled a chipmunk.
"Suspicions are growing and we need two ladies just like you to monitor more than just the United States. We need you to fan out and look for signs of other governments getting into the magic game."
"We get to spy on humans?" Patsy could barely get out the words between all the candy in her mouth.
"Most definitely. And," he pointed a finger in the air, "assist Agent Berens when necessary." He gave a small cough, struggling to find the right words. "Human assistance for Agent Berens has not worked out."
"She scared the holy hell out of somebody, didn't she?" Lois tilted her head to one side.
The general let out a small shudder. "In a manner of speaking."
Lois eyed him suspiciously. "You asked the Silver Griffins to help you first but they turned you down, didn't they?"
He looked at her evenly. "I know you have connections with the Order so I won't be coy with you. We've tried a lot of other magical beings and there aren't a lot of people interested in helping us on such a big scale."
"Magical community has a long memory."
The general's smile slipped for a moment but he put it right back on his face. "Times have changed. We've learned a few things."
"So we were last on your list. That's what you're telling me." Lois made a face, scrunching up her nose to keep her glasses on straight.
"Not last and I know you can do it." He looked pointedly at Lois. "We're counting on you."
"Uh huh."
"I've given Agent Berens your direct line. Whatever sh
e asks, if you can help, give it to her."
"Are we moving?" asked Patsy, a little chocolate dribbling down her chin.
"No, we can do everything from here. There may be some travel but having you close to Washington will be an asset to us as well. Your new assignment starts tomorrow," he said, turning to leave.
Lois leaned over in her chair and whispered loudly to Patsy, "Told you, no extra money."
"Oh, by the way, you'll now be part of the Senior Executive Service with the commensurate pay raise."
"Above a GS-15?" Patsy bit down hard on the M&Ms in her mouth as Lois almost fell out of her chair, gripping the arms. Her wand fell out of her pocket, rolling across the floor to the general's feet. He looked down at the worn branch.
"We'll be issuing you better wands as well. Those are willow wands, aren't they?"
"Oh, please say it..." Lois was still gripping the arms of her chair.
"The newer 3-D printed models will arrive later this week." He nodded to an aide who picked up the wand and held it out to Lois with two fingers. Lois took the wand and smiled mischievously at him and whispered a jumble of words that meant nothing. The aide's eyes widened and he stepped back, looking around, waiting for something to happen.
The general turned to go but looked back over his shoulder. "Of course, that's if you accept."
"We accept!" Lois shouted out the words as Patsy sputtered trying not to breathe in a peanut. The general smiled to himself, straightening his jacket and strode out of the room. The sound of bird calls could be heard following them down the hall as they left.
"Wipe your face, Patsy. We're executives now. We need to look the part."
"Why didn't you tell him you used to be with the Order till you retired? You have more skills than most of the witches out there!"
"I didn't hear a question, Patsy. You know I never talk about that, anyway. It's in the rules. Besides, it's easier if people underestimate you. They tend to say more than they should."
"He'll find out soon enough when you wave that wand around. There's stories about you."
"You poke me one more time like that and you'll learn first hand."
Patsy scooped a few more M&Ms in her mouth and sat down, thinking about the promotion.
"Will be nice to be back in the action, though. Still have a few tricks in me." Lois smiled at the thought. "Spy on humans, imagine that."
"Not like we weren't already."
"No, but now it's official and we're getting paid to do it."
"Makes you wonder what could happen next."
Lois shook her head, raising her eyebrows. "These days, just about anything, I suppose."
Chapter Eighteen
It was still early in the morning and the sky was overcast with a bright sundog set in the middle of a break in the clouds pouring light onto the patio at Estelle's. There was a sharp knock at the door of the guest house as Leira was walking out of the kitchen, a cup of coffee in her hand. Everyone else was still asleep.
"You in there?" It was Estelle's gravelly voice barking out a statement, more than a question. Leira opened the door quickly before Estelle could knock again and wake up anyone. Besides, Estelle had never shown up at Leira's door unannounced in the entire four years Leira lived in the guest house.
"You've had enough time to yourselves." Estelle was planted in front of the door. Leira stood there, holding the door open still in her pajamas, a cup of coffee in her hand doing her best to look unconcerned about anything. Where's the troll? She didn't dare look back to see if the troll was peeking out of his shoebox. If he was, Estelle was rolling with it.
"Morning Estelle. What time is it?"
The morning light was behind Estelle's tall red bouffant, partially hidden by the cloud of smoke that was perpetually floating around her head. Estelle twisted her mouth left to right. It wasn't like her to invade Leira's personal space. "Time to get on with things. Put on those fancy new boots and plant your asses at the bar by four sharp! There, I said it." She gave a hard nod and marched back toward the bar, not waiting for an answer.
Leira stood there for a moment, watching her go, just as the troll crawled onto her foot, rubbing his eyes. "Yumfuck." He yawned, opening his mouth wide. Leira looked down, taking a sip of her coffee as she slowly moved her foot back and gently shut the door. She scooped up the troll and tucked him back in his box, putting the washcloth back over him as he snuggled with a new pair of polka dot underwear. Leira had bought him his own supply at Target. "Yumfuck." He yawned again and lazily shut his eyes.
"Not even my weirdest morning."
"There's coffee?" Correk opened his eyes and sat up, stretching his back.
"It's early, go back to sleep. Estelle was just here telling us our plans for the day. We're hanging out at the bar later." Leira smiled and took another sip. So much family. Actually, not a bad way to start any day. She pushed thoughts of the upcoming confrontation with the dark mist out of her mind. Singleness of purpose. Correk started to get up but Leira put a hand on his shoulder. "Coffee coming right up."
Correk, Leira and Eireka showed up right on time as Estelle scrutinized what they were wearing, tapping her cigarette into an ashtray. There were already three beers waiting for them. Leira took a sip of the beer, glancing over at her mother. Eireka was sliding onto a stool, looking around at the bar. Still so strange having her here.
Estelle looked at Correk in his jeans and boots. "Better. Not that I minded the Robin Hood getup. Gotta let people stay in their comfort zones."
Leira spit out a little of her beer and looked up at Estelle who was arching a carefully drawn on eyebrow at her.
"Something to say?" The cigarette wobbled in her mouth as she talked.
Leira took another sip of her beer and sat down on a stool without saying a word.
"Thought so." Estelle disappeared into the bar, coming right back out with guacamole and chips and setting them on the bar in front of Eireka. "Eat up before the others get here. They tend to Hoover free food."
"Leira!" Craig and Scott came out the door from the bar, closely followed by Mike and Lucy. Leira could see Margaret and Kimberly through the window hustling to keep up with everyone.
Estelle took a long drag on her cigarette without ever taking it out of her mouth. "Too late!" She shrugged and threw up her hands, blowing smoke out the side of her mouth. She went back inside to see why a table was waving at her through the window. Leira watched her stand by them, hands on hips, nodding.
Feel like I forgot something. She took a sip of her beer as Margaret hugged her, pressing the bottle against her chest. She let the thought go. Can't be that important.
Everyone was there. No one was late. A few even slipped out of work early. Estelle put out the word that they would be celebrating at the start of happy hour. No one wanted to be on the bad side of Estelle and lose bar privileges. Besides, they all took their roles as Leira's family seriously.
"Here's to our newest member of the Leira Society. Welcome home, Eireka!" Mike raised up his Shiner Bock, already swirling around the last mouthful as everyone raised their drinks.
"About time!" Craig smiled and clapped Scott on the back.
"You'd think it was your mother that came home." Mitzi smiled as she rolled her eyes. The entire society was there to celebrate. Estelle appeared, setting another beer in front of Mike. She kept her right eye shut as the smoke from the cigarette between her teeth blew back in her face. She took it out of her mouth, tilting her head back as she blew a steady stream of smoke, admiring the sky. "Damn, I love Texas."
Everyone raised their glass again.
"To fucking Texas!" It was a common toast around the bar.
Estelle moved down the bar, swatting a man's hand as he was about to reach into the bowl of mixed nuts. "You wash your hands? Didn't think so. No pee-nuts at this establishment."
"It's a wonder people come back here," said Margaret.
"That's why they do," said Scott. "Your bitchy mother who serves you alcohol. Fond m
emories."
"That's sad, dude." Kimberly slid onto a stool next to Eireka who was already putting out her hand to shake. "We don't shake hands in these parts, honey. We hug." She was already enveloping Eireka in a tight embrace, giving her an extra squeeze. Mitzi took her turn next as the smell of lemons filled Eireka's nose.
Mitzi looked up in time to see the door to the guest house open a crack and shut again. "Should lock that door if the wind can blow it open."
Leira looked over at the guest house but didn't see anything and turned back to the bar. Along the fence, the troll scampered toward the gate, looking for a night out. Leira had forgotten to say the spell and he was in the mood to meet some new people. He ran for the street, stopping to roll in the mulch surrounding a small tree and lick a wrapper from an ice cream cone. Already a good night.
He turned right onto Rainey Street, weaving in and out of all the legs of people trying to get to happy hour at any one of the dozens of bars that dotted the street.
"What the hell?" The troll narrowly missed getting punted by a young man wearing a UT sweatshirt. He nipped his other ankle as he slipped past him. "Fuck, that rat just bit me!"
"What rat?" His friends turned to look but couldn't see anything. Yumfuck was safely tucked behind a tire of a nearby parked car, watching.
"Nothing there, man. Come on, you're fine." Someone put an arm around the man's shoulder and pulled him up the steps of a nearby bar.
Yumfuck emerged from behind the tire and picked up speed. He was halfway down the block in no time, staying close to the parked cars. He stopped at the corner of 6th Street gazing at the lights in the distance. "Ooooh, goddamn right!" he trilled. He headed down the hill in search of an adventure.
The lights of the bars got closer as he suddenly got a whiff of something familiar in the air and stopped outside of the Alamo Draft House, pressing his face against the bottom of the glass. Inside, he spotted the source of the smell. A large glass and metal machine pushing out fresh popcorn. The troll licked the glass, letting out a deep sigh. It was more popcorn than he'd ever seen.