by Zara Rivas
"Urg," was all I could manage, interrupting my thoughts for my own wellbeing.
"Urg?" Erin repeated, confused. "Have they turned you into a cavewoman? I told your dad Wisconsin was behind on the times, but I didn't mean that behind." Erin was a true city girl—when she heard we were moving to suburban Wisconsin, she acted as if we were moving to a third world country that didn't have running water. We had, of course, done that before, but her reaction to living in the slums of India hadn't come close to that of suburban Wisconsin.
"I made friends," I said grumpily, switching the phone to my other ear so I could lie on my side.
"Only you would be upset about that," Erin teased. "Having friends isn't all bad, Kate."
"We went prom shopping today," I told her.
"You're going to prom?!" she squealed. Erin was a year older than me, so she had already graduated and gone through the Senior Prom Experience—she acted as if high school was solely created for that one night of dancing.
"Yeah," I yawned, "Dad said we'd be able to stay if I wanted to go."
"Oh, Katie," she squealed again. "I'm so happy for you. Do you have a date?"
I laughed. "No. Actually, most of this school hates me because I challenged the authority of their leader."
"Sounds like you."
"He's so… infuriating. Why do some guys have to act so superior?" I whined, shaking thoughts of Casey from my mind. "Urg."
"Ohhh," she said, her voice full of realization. "You like him."
I could only let out a squeak in disagreement. My thoughts immediately went to Casey, and what he would think if I squeaked in front of him. "God!" I exclaimed. "There is something wrong with me!"
"Is he hot?"
"Shut up. We're not talking about him. I don't like him—he's a stupid, arrogant asshole that thinks he's better than everyone else. He's not. I don't like him."
Erin just laughed in response before catching me up on her life. She was nearly finished with her second semester of college at the University of Chicago. College to her was less an educational endeavor and more a social one—she probably had more friends on campus than I did throughout my entire life. Recently, she met a couple guys at a sorority mixer she attended and didn't know which one she liked better. Erin was a great storyteller; she made me feel like I had a life too, like I was involved in this somehow.
"Katie, have you figured out what you're going to do next year?" she asked me suddenly, practically interrupting her own story.
I sighed, used to this from her. "No, not yet."
"You don't have a whole lotta time left, you know."
"I know."
"He'd be okay without you," she said cautiously after a bit of silence.
I didn't reply. I was well aware that my dad would function just fine without me. Things would probably be easier for him if he didn't have me tagging along, but I couldn't imagine life without him. I wasn't sure that I would be okay without him.
"Just because you'd be away from him doesn't mean he'd be gone," she said even more cautiously. "And if you pick Chicago from the stack of acceptance letters you have, you'd have me."
The University of Chicago was on the top of my list for that reason. I hadn't spent any real time with Erin since we lived in Chicago for three months three years ago. Knowing I'd be going somewhere where there was someone who I could rely on made a huge difference. I just didn't think I was ready to leave my dad—we were too close.
"Your spring break is coming up, right?" she asked.
I sighed, "Yeah. It's in two weeks."
"Come out here. Tour the school. If you hate it, I promise I'll never bother you about this again," this was a lie, of course, but her intentions were good. "Come out here without your dad—you'll realize that life is okay without him always there."
I hesitated. It wasn't that money was an issue or anything like that; I was just afraid of the future. I was more afraid of liking the school than not liking it. Dad rarely brought up what was to come next for us and I was afraid to bring it up as well. I didn't want him to think I was abandoning him. We had dealt with enough of that as it was.
"Going to college does not make you like your mom, Katie," Erin said defiantly. The subject was off-limits and she knew it. Deliberately crossing the line did nothing for her case—it just made me angry.
"I know I'm not like her," I spat. "I'd never just up and leave."
"Your dad knows that," she said softly. "And I'm glad you do too. Just come out here. Please."
My resolve was crumbling. I knew that I needed to make a decision and I wanted to see Erin more than anything. I gave in, telling her I'd run it by my dad and would schedule an appointment with the school for a tour. When we hung up, I could sense how excited she was. I wish I felt as sure as she did.
Chapter Four
I hated Mondays.
Not because I was tired, or I hated school, but because everyone was, and did, and made it impossible to have a decent day. Even the teachers were crabby—everyone was desperate for a break.
"You look happy," Erica noted as she sat next to me at our usual lunch table.
"Compared to the rest of you zombies, yeah," I countered, tossing a few fruit snacks in my mouth.
"I can't wait for break," Kari whined as she approached, setting her tray on the table before grabbing a seat next to Erica. "Florida is going to be so sweet."
Erica nodded emphatically. Erica, Stephanie, and Kari were all taking their first real spring break trip to Daytona Beach and couldn't have been more excited. I didn't care too much for Florida—it was way too hot—but I was glad for any topic that made people happier.
"Are you going anywhere?" Kari asked.
"Chicago," I said. My dad had been more than supportive about me going to Chicago, especially when he heard about me touring the university. He said that he would feel much better about me going to school in Chicago, since we had family there. I tried to bring up Mom, but I couldn't. His mood had been dismal since his return from Washington, D.C. I couldn't bear to bring it back down with talk about her.
"That's exciting," Stephanie smiled, sitting across the table from me. "I've been there a couple times—I love it."
I nodded, "Me too."
"What about you, Casey? Any plans for break?" Stephanie asked.
Casey shrugged from his seat next to me, resting his arm on the back of my chair. I leaned forward automatically, determined not to let him touch me. "Staying here, probably. Might go down to Madison for a day or two."
"Are you gonna do orientation while you're there?" Erica asked her cousin.
Casey shrugged, "Probably should."
"You're going to school there?" I heard myself ask, then shook my head, wondering why I did that.
He nodded, "I want to stay close to home. Where are you going?"
"Um," I hesitated, "I'm not completely sure yet."
"You have to have some idea," he coaxed, looking nothing but curious. I relaxed slightly, knowing he wasn't trying to be a jerk.
"I'm touring the University of Chicago while I'm there, but I haven't totally decided that that's where I want to go."
"University of Chicago?" Erica spoke up, "Wow. That's impressive."
I shrugged, not mentioning the Ivy League schools that had accepted me. It wasn't about impressing anyone—I would have said no to every one of those schools if my dad so much as hinted that he wanted me around. So far he had been doing quite the opposite.
The college talk continued. Kari and Erica were also attending the University of Wisconsin Madison campus. Stephanie had been accepted to Wellesley, and she was heading there in the fall. Everyone seemed so excited about it that I felt somewhat alien—how was I not excited about such a huge event in my life?
"Do you care if we start on the project before break?" Casey asked quietly.
I shook my head, "No. That's fine."
"Is tomorrow okay?"
"Sure," I replied quickly. Stephanie was watching us; she always
seemed to be watching us.
"Okay, I'll meet you by your locker tomorrow and you can follow me to my place."
I nodded, grateful when the bell rang. I headed for the bathroom, telling Erica I'd meet her in class.
When the door shut behind me, I let out a huge sigh. Just being around Casey was becoming more and more difficult because I never knew which personality to expect. He could be human occasionally—even fun to be around, but most often, he was arrogant and belittling and it was hard to deal with him like that.
I glanced in the mirror, noting how tired I looked all of a sudden. I tied my long, dark brown hair back and splashed some water on my face, trying to wake myself up a little. My hazel eyes were dull, my skin drab. I looked exhausted. I was starting to look how everyone else was acting. Surprised when the final bell rang, signifying I was late, I smoothed my black tee shirt over my stomach and hurried to class.
Ms. Steinberg glared at me when I scurried into class late, but didn't ask for any explanation so I didn't offer one. She was, of course, giving us some time to work on the project in class, so it meant an hour of one-on-one time with Casey. I was starting to think the world was against me.
"Mind if we go to the library?" Casey asked Ms. Steinberg, who waved us away. Closing his fingers around my wrist, he gently tugged me down the hall to the library. I didn't pull my hand out of his grip and he didn't let go until we sat at a table in the far corner of the library, hidden behind countless volumes of reference books.
He pulled a random encyclopedia from a shelf and opened to a page before turning back to me. "Are you okay?"
Concern was evident in his tone and I found myself lost in his eyes, suddenly—desperately—wanting to say no. I wanted to open up and tell him how I really felt, but I snapped out of it quickly. This was Casey—he didn't care. Whatever I said he'd just use to his advantage. "I'm fine," I told him shortly.
His eyes clouded momentarily before taking on their usual amused glow. "Whatever you say," he smirked, making it obvious he didn't believe me.
We worked together in silence after deciding on the French conflict in Vietnam, prior to the U.S. involvement. I took detailed notes until Casey indicated we should head back to class. I followed a pace behind him to the classroom. "So tomorrow then?" he asked.
"What?"
He rolled his eyes. "We'll do some more work on this tomorrow, after school."
I nodded in agreement and got my things together. This time, I hurried out the door, not bothering to keep up my indifference to Casey. He was starting to get to me.
He decided to drive both of us to his house after school the following day, telling me we'd come back for my car when we were finished. It wasn't until after I got in his car that I realized I was going to be stuck at his house until he decided it was time for me to leave. His car doors locked ominously and we were on our way.
His house was decidedly smaller than I expected it to be. I figured for him to have such an inflated ego, he'd need a gigantic place to house it. In fact, his house was just a two story rambler, with a swing set in the backyard and a dog yelping at me from behind the door.
"Don't mind Dixie," he said to me, scooping the terrier off the ground after opening the door. "She doesn't like strangers." The dog was trying desperately to get out of Casey's arms, but to no avail. He let her outside in their fenced backyard before dropping his books on the kitchen counter. He grabbed two cans of Coke from the fridge and handed one to me before leading the way to his room.
I stood apprehensively in the doorway, surprised at his neatness. Everything was organized; there wasn't a single thing out of place. Even his bed was made. He smirked when he saw me hovering in the doorway. "What?" he asked, the amusement in his tone obvious.
"It's so clean," I said, awestruck. My bedroom always was a complete mess, whether it was clothes, assignments, or boxes, some mess always cluttered my space.
He shrugged, "I guess." He sat on the swivel chair in front of his desk and turned his laptop on. I, after some hesitation, sat down on his bed where I could easily see what he was doing on his computer.
I had been expecting a dirty desktop picture; I was yet again surprised. It was a picture of Dixie and what I assumed was a younger sister playing outside in the summer time.
"Is that your sister?" I asked him.
He nodded and smiled. "Yeah. She's a Katie, too. When she gets home from school, you'll have to meet her. She loves other Katies."
I smiled, struck by how protective he seemed of his sister. It was sweet, I realized, and I didn't feel weirded out by thinking so.
Within an hour, I was completely comfortable around him. He was so different outside of school, one-on-one, without a reputation to consider that I could hardly believe he was the same arrogant jerk I knew at school. He was funny, sweet even, and I was thoroughly enjoying his company.
I was lying on my stomach on his bed, writing down the web addresses he found when I felt his eyes on me.
"I need a break," he announced, standing up and stretching. He looked at me pointedly, "Are you gonna move over or am I gonna have to roll over you?"
I rolled my eyes, scooting closer to the wall so he would have some space. He lied down next to me, his arm pressed against mine. His shirt rode up a little and when I glanced down, I could see how well defined his stomach was. He rolled onto his side, closed his eyes, and slowly ran his fingers up and down my arm. I was frozen, unable to speak, but Casey didn't seem to have a hidden agenda. Even when I regained the ability to speak, I didn't stop him. I let his fingers slowly lull me to sleep.
When I awoke an hour or so later, he was looking at me from his swivel chair, his expression indiscernible. I smiled and closed my eyes again, not ready to be awake just yet.
"Gotta stay awake, Miss Katie," he trailed a finger along my jaw line and I was suddenly wide awake.
"How long…" I trailed off, yawning. He swept my hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear, his hand coming to rest just behind my ear.
"About an hour and a half," he informed me, "I got quite a bit done in that time."
"I'm sorry," I yawned again, closing my hand over his before removing it. I sat up and leaned against the wall, still feeling really tired.
"Not a big deal," he told me, leaning back in his chair. We worked together for about another forty-five minutes before I shut my book, yawning for the umpteenth time. He laughed. "Maybe we should call it a night?"
I nodded apologetically. "You shouldn't have let me sleep."
He shrugged, "I couldn't wake you." He stood up and stretched. I followed suit.
"I know, I'm so angelic in my sleep," I teased.
He laughed. "No, I mean, I literally couldn't wake you. I tried. You were out."
I snickered. "I'm a pretty heavy sleeper. Next time, keep me awake."
"You got it," we headed for the door. I found myself looking around for his little sister, wanting to meet the other Katie as well.
"She was tired, too," he explained, realizing I was searching for her. "Next time?" he asked.
"Sure," I smiled as we got into his car. It was getting dark already. He drove leisurely back to school and parked next to my car. I didn't immediately get out. I was sensing that he had something else to say.
"Will you go to prom with me?" he asked, his voice rushed. For the first time, Casey sounded a lot less sure of himself than I had ever heard him sound before.
"Are you actually asking me this time?" I teased, surprised at the color I saw rise in his cheeks.
"Yes," he said, struggling for a moment.
"Then we'll see," I smiled at him as he ran his fingers through his hair, causing it to poke out in all different directions. I reached out and squeezed his hands, which were clasped together in his lap, before getting out of his car and getting into mine. He lifted a hand in goodbye and drove off. I waited until his car was out of sight to start mine and head home.
Chapter Five
I hated the quiet
.
No matter how hard I tried, it was impossible to get used to. Whenever I was alone, the TV or radio absolutely had to be on. I couldn't settle for knowing I was as alone as I felt. It was distracting to have the TV on when I was trying to study, but it at least made me feel like there was someone else out there.
I used to never have to worry about it. Things change, though, and there wasn't much I could do about that.
I sunk into the couch, ignoring the stack of homework I had. I needed to rest—I hadn't been able to shake my exhaustion. I crawled into bed after turning a fan on and sleep overtook me quickly.