by Zara Rivas
I wasn't paying attention to Casey, so he stopped paying attention to Gabrielle. I found this amusing, but didn't acknowledge him. He had been playing these games since school started back up and I was sick of it.
He was rather curt towards me—just about everyone, actually—during world history. He even opted to work by himself on a group assignment. I realized I had pissed him off, but I didn't understand exactly what I had done, besides shove the game he'd been playing right back in his face.
He grabbed my arm on the way out of the classroom and dragged me down the hallway, ignoring imploring looks from Erica. Stephanie hurried away and I wondered fleetingly if she knew something. "What are you playing at?" he growled, his fingers still wrapped around my arm.
I glared at him, jerked my arm from his grasp, and walked away. Not only did I not want to deal with this, but school certainly wasn't the place for it. He had to realize that.
Apparently not, my mind pointed out as he grabbed my arm again. "Not here," I said through gritted teeth. We were being watched; people were already going to talk about this.
He turned his glare on our audience and they all scampered away like scared servants. I found the whole thing absolutely revolting. Where did all this power of his come from? He directed—dragged would probably be more accurate—me to a quieter corner of the building since not everyone had vacated yet.
"What the hell was lunch all about?" he turned on me the second we were alone.
"I'd ask you the same thing, but I've realized that I can't expect anything from you," I replied evenly.
"For God's sake, Katie, I don't understand you. I can't get Gabrielle off my back and—"
"You don't want Gabrielle off your back," I countered. "What are you trying to prove? That just because we haven't 'defined our status' that it gives you the right to treat me like shit?"
"How am I treating you like shit?" he looked genuinely confused as he ran a hand through his hair. "I thought this was what you wanted."
"I don't want to feel like a whore, Casey. And that's how I feel," I looked at him and realized I was becoming a bit too vulnerable. "And you seem to want to flaunt that you could have every girl in this school… what's that? Just a reminder for me? Fuck you, not everything is a game."
"I don't think this is a game," he said. We were both getting louder, but I was too upset to care. "I don't know how to get Gabrielle to back off without being an asshole. I'm trying every way I know how, but it's not working, alright? It just seems to make her want me more."
I scoffed, but didn't reply. I was frustrating him, I knew it, but he was being remarkably patient with me. He tipped my chin up, forcing me to look into those beautiful blue eyes, but I refused to let my defenses down. I was so, so afraid that I was going to end up really liking him, and he was going to break my heart. He probably had a right to know that—things may have been better if I had. Hell, things may have been worse, but at least then there wouldn't be all this ambiguity.
"Could you please have a little more respect for me and not flirt with other girls right in front of me?" I asked as politely as I could.
He sighed, dropping my chin. "Yeah, sure, Katie. I'll just avoid all other females during the three classes and lunch we share together just so you won't think I'm flirting with them. I can't help that they like me."
"Stop doing that!" I exclaimed. "Stop reverting to your stupid arrogant, egocentric, selfish, conceited, bigheaded self."
"You realize all those words meant pretty much the same thing, right?" he smirked.
"Why do I even bother?" I threw my hands up in frustration. He was acting like a child and I really just wanted to throttle him. He made me so angry so easily. Maybe I should have pondered what that meant. "You obviously have no idea how to be a decent person."
He rolled his eyes, "I'm sick of this tirade. You realize you're the only person that thinks this stuff, right? Maybe you're making it up."
"I can't make up the level of asshole that you are at," I retorted. "Even my imagination doesn't stretch that far." He smirked at me, not saying anything. "Forget it," I said evenly. "This totally isn't worth it. Go find some other girl to fuck around with." I made to brush past him, but he stopped me.
"I don't want to find anyone else," he said softly. "That's kinda the point."
I could feel myself weakening. Annoyed with myself, I stepped away as he reached for me. Hurt flickered across his eyes before they turned hard. "Why do you keep pushing me away? I'm not going to hurt you."
I shook my head, not wanting to do this, to have this conversation. It was too hard. I couldn't admit… I couldn't let myself like him the way I knew I could. I was used to leaving, but not people I really cared about, not for a long time. I didn't want to do it again.
He took a confident step forward and I backed away. We played this game until he had me backed into a locker. He rested his palms against the locker on either side of me to stop me from getting away. He was too close. Why did he always get in my personal space? Better yet, why did that always cause my resolve to crumble? I steeled myself as best as I could. I wasn't ready for this. I knew I wasn't.
"Say something," he said, trying to keep his voice even. He failed miserably—I knew how desperately he wanted me to assure him that things were okay. I couldn't do that. I didn't have a clue how things were anymore.
After a moment, he smiled confidently and lowered his lips agonizingly slow to mine. "Tell me to stop," he whispered, his lips so close to mine that I could feel them when he spoke. "Tell me you don't want this." For a second, his tone made me question if he really wanted me to or not.
The anticipation of what I knew would be an extremely amazing kiss had completely shattered my defenses. "No," I said softly, "I'm not playing games anymore." I closed the distance between us hungrily. I had surprised him, I knew that, but he didn't pull back. His arms were around me, his hands in my hair, and he was kissing me like he never wanted to let go.
The cool metal against my back was such a sharp contrast to his warm body pressing against me that I shivered, holding him tighter as I deepened the kiss. He groaned as my tongue teased his lips open and he pushed me so hard against the locker that I arched onto my tiptoes to relieve the tension. The sudden shift in height made it easy to feel his—
"Mr. Fitzgerald!" Mr. Oldman barked from his classroom. Casey pulled from me hastily. "Would you please maul your girlfriends somewhere else?" He took a glance at me and sighed. "Miss Fuller…" he seemed to be unable to express himself. "Good luck," he finally said, before turning back into his classroom, and slamming the door shut.
Casey burst into laughter, his hands still on my waist. I looked at him sharply, unable to find what was so funny about the situation. Mr. Oldman was on the verge of a mental breakdown, who knew what he would say in class the following day.
"I think he was disappointed to find you with me," Casey teased.
"You are disgusting, Casey," I rolled my eyes.
"No, I'm serious. I thought he was going to cry."
"Well, he's probably heard a few things about the other girls you've… mauled? Should I go ask him what I'm getting myself into?"
"Heh," he said uncomfortably, "No."
"Oh!" I exclaimed, wrapping my arms around his neck. "Now this is interesting. What could I find out about how Casey Fitzgerald treats his…" I trailed off. I had been teasing, but it was gone now. I wasn't his girlfriend. I wasn't anything to him.
"Katie," he said quietly, "Things could be different. I want them to be different."
I shook my head, "You don't know what you want."
He seemed offended and opened his mouth to speak. I pushed my lips to his quickly, not wanting to start another argument. He kissed me back passionately, but when he pulled away, he smirked. "As much as I like this," he grinned, "I know when someone's trying to shut me up."
"Guess I'll just have to try harder then," I retorted and kissed him again, not tiring of how it made me feel. I was on fire a
nd I never wanted it to stop.
"Why aren't you gone yet?" Mr. Oldman asked from his doorway again, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "Why can I never get a single one of you to listen to me?"
Casey and I exchanged looks before smiling at Mr. Oldman and walking down the hallway, away from his classroom. "I think he's losing it," Casey grinned, pushing me up against a different set of lockers.
I wasn't into it though. I was too busy staring at our newly acquired audience. Casey squeaked and jumped away from me, but it was too late. We had been found out.
Chapter Eleven
Erica looked livid.
"Well, uh, see you tomorrow, Katie?" Casey said nonchalantly before quickly edging away from me and his cousin.
My jaw dropped. He was really going to leave me there to explain everything? What a jerk!
"Patrick Casey Fitzgerald!" Erica exclaimed, "Get back here now."
Casey cringed, but obliged. 'Patrick?' I mouthed at him. He shrugged, eyeing Erica as if she was an enemy.
"What the hell?" was all Erica said. "This is what you guys did in Chicago?"
"No!" I exclaimed.
"Pretty much," Casey responded at the same time.
Erica looked at us pointedly.
"Okay, no," Casey sighed.
"Fine, pretty much," I said at the same time. I looked at Casey, who rolled his eyes incredulously. So far this conversation was going real well.
"You know," Erica turned to me, "I thought you might have been the one person immune to Casey's charm."
"I can't help it. Your whole damn family is charming." I replied, thinking of Brian.
"Yeah," Casey grinned, slinging an arm around my shoulders. "It just took me a while to figure out how to rope her in."
I just shook my head. It didn't matter that Casey and I didn't have a relationship per se. I knew that mentioning Brian at all would be a bad idea. I was fond of his brother and had it not been for him, Casey and I never would have formed this… agreement.
I hadn't realized Casey's arm was still around me until he pulled me closer. I leaned my head against his chest without conscious thought. I didn't even think about it until Erica spoke again.
"So what is this?" she asked carefully, watching as Casey played with my hair.
I shrugged and he remained silent. It was complicated to explain, which had been part of the reason we had decided to keep it to ourselves. I didn't feel that I had to explain it even now, and apparently Casey didn't either.
"Come on," Erica groaned, "It's not like you're just passing the time with each other, are you?"
"Are you asking if it's serious?" Casey inquired. This time she shrugged. "I'll be straight with you… I have no idea what's going on. It's complicated at best and describing it makes it sound more trivial than it is."
I glanced up at him, surprised that he had managed to voice almost exactly what I thought. He smiled briefly and pressed his lips to my hair.
"You have feelings for her," Erica said, though it sounded like an accusation.
He looked at me while he answered. "Well, yeah. I thought that was obvious."
She shrugged, "We just sorta figured you were trying to drive her crazy. I didn't think you were serious." She paused before continuing. "Stephanie likes you, you know."
He nodded, his eyes still on me. "Yeah."
"Are you sure this is smart?"
"Of course it's not. But it's what I want," he pulled his eyes from me to glance at his cousin. "I see that you want to have the girly conversation with Katie here so I'll take off." He pressed his lips to my hair again. "See you tomorrow?" he asked.
I smiled, his actions sparking happiness in me I hadn't felt in a while. I watched him saunter down the hallway before I turned to Erica.
She looked at me apprehensively. "Do you know what you're doing?" she asked.
I shook my head, "I don't have a clue," I admitted. "I don't know what we are or what we could be or if I'm out of my freakin' mind… but he makes me feel good and that's really all I need."
"He wants it to be more," she said matter-of-factly.
I shrugged, "We decided a relationship wasn't the best thing."
"Are you sure it was a mutual decision?" she asked before running her fingers through her hair in a Casey-esque manner. "Listen," she said after a moment's hesitation, "Casey obviously likes you. I could tell at lunch today that there was something going on. I know you're only doing what you think is best, but I hope you realize that you're going to hurt him if you keep up this idea that you guys can fool around without the feelings getting in the way." I opened my mouth to speak, but she silenced me with a raise of her hand. "Casey doesn't care about many people, but those he does, he cares for deeply and without limit. Don't take that away from him."
"I don't want to," I replied. "I'm just trying to limit the attachment. College is coming and I really know how much it hurts to leave someone you care about. It's painful and raw and it just sucks and I don't want him to feel it."
"Or you," she pointed out.
"Of course not," I responded. "I don't know if I'd recover this time."
She looked at me, her eyes showing an emotion I couldn't place. It was a while before she spoke again. "Stephanie will find out."
"I think she already knows," I admitted.
"She's the most perceptive person I know. If she doesn't, she will. It's going to hurt her."
"What do you want me to say?" I said after a momentary pause. "That I don't know that? Of course I know that. And it sucks."
"What's the point of this, Katie?" she asked exasperatedly. "You're just messing with people's feelings if this thing with Casey doesn't matter."
"Who are you, my conscience?" I asked lightly. "I'll figure this out."
"Soon. Before you mess with just about everyone here that cares about you." She sounded harsh, but she had a point. It was her friends, her family, that I was talking about. She had every right to be overprotective.
I drove home feeling slightly unhappy. Maybe this really was completely pointless. Was it worth it to possibly hurt two people that had actually given me a chance? But at the same time he made me feel like someone really cared about me—wanted me even. I didn't want to give that up.
I was beyond surprised to see Casey's car parked in the front of my building. He was leaning against his door, his expression carefree. When he saw me, he smiled sheepishly. "So I didn't really feel like waiting 'til tomorrow to see you. Can I come in?" he asked, lifting his eyebrows suggestively.
I laughed, but nodded. He grinned and followed me inside. "So Erica ripped you a new one, didn't she?"
I glared at him, "Yeah," I punched him playfully in the shoulder, "thanks for leaving me there to deal by myself."
He shrugged, a trace of a grin on his lips. "She's very protective of me. It's kinda cute. And overbearing."
"What if I told you in that time she convinced me to stop seeing you?"
"She didn't," he said carelessly, his eyes roaming through my apartment as we entered.
"How do you know?"
"You wouldn't have let me in," he said simply. "And you're not really the type to give in so easily." He glanced around the room before his eyes landed on me again. "Why's all your stuff packed?"
"'Cause we haven't unpacked it," I replied, fishing through the refrigerator for something to drink.
"Why not?"
"False sense of security. It reminds us that it's never permanent," I said, tossing a can at him. "And it's a pain to have to repack everything."
"You're so matter-of-fact about it," he observed.
"Should I be some other way?" I asked, sitting next to him on the couch. "It's easier to expect it—to know that I won't be here long. Believe me, I've gone through the ignorance phases where I tried to pretend like it would make a difference if I honestly thought I was staying somewhere. It never worked. You know, I don't even remember the last time I set plans for longer than a week or two in advance. It was what made picking a
college so difficult for me. And it's why I still don't believe I'll be here for prom—not really, anyway. It hurts too much to get my hopes up." I glanced at him, surprised at the emotion gracing his features. He looked sad for me. "Don't feel bad," I said quickly, smiling at him. "I'm so grateful for everything I've had. I've met so many people, seen so many places… I never get mad about having to leave. It's just the way my life is."
"You're so complex," he stated, staring at me so piercingly that it made me nearly as uncomfortable as our first encounter. "You close off out of fear of getting attached, but you're happy with the way your life is. I have no doubt you've met a lot of people, but how many of them did you get to know, or let know you?"