by Sophie Stern
Meeting him in person had been nothing like she expected, though. He was tall and fit and she was so…not. His short hair was dark and his eyes were brown. They were deep. Girls in books always talked about eyes you could drown in, and those were the type of eyes Chris had.
Perfect eyes.
“Go set the table, will you, Sarah?” Rita asked, not unkindly. Sarah nodded, quickly brought back to the present, and realized she could hear her father’s voice from the dining room. She grabbed a handful of silverware and headed into the adjoining room where Chris and her father were both seated at the table.
“There’s my beautiful girl,” her dad said, and Sarah smiled. She looked at Chris, but quickly looked away when his eyes met hers. Dammit. She was behaving like a teenager. She set the table while they talked about the Vikings and how heartbreaking it was to have them as your favorite team. When Sarah placed the silverware by Chris’ spot, her arm brushed up against his.
“Sorry,” she murmured.
“It’s okay,” Chris said with a smile, and she believed him.
“Why don’t you have a seat, Sarah?” Her father asked. “I’ll go help your mother bring out the food.”
“Is there anything I can do?” Chris asked, rising to his feet.
Her father just waved for him to sit back down. As soon as Jim was in the kitchen, Chris turned back to Sarah.
“Alone at last,” he said with a wink. She blushed.
“Is that what you wanted? To get me all by myself?”
“Of course that’s what I wanted. That’s what I’ve always wanted, ever since the first time we talked.”
“And why’s that, Staff Sergeant Awesome?”
Chris laughed.
“You’re the best, Sarah, and if it’s not too forward, you’re even more beautiful in person.” She smiled and was trying to come up with a reasonable response when her parents reentered the room with the food. They sat down and her father said a quick prayer, then everyone dug in.
“This was my brother’s favorite dinner,” Sarah commented. Chris looked up at her quickly. His eyes suddenly looked haunted.
“He told me,” he said finally. “Whenever we’d be eating our MREs, trying to convince ourselves that they weren’t really that bad, Garrett would tell me all about his mom’s great cooking and how fantastic her sweet potatoes were.”
“Oh,” Rita waved her hand. “They aren’t that great.”
“They are, ma’am,” Chris said, and held up a sweet potato on the end of his fork. “They’re just as good as he promised.”
His eyes met Sarah’s again and for a quick second, she wondered what he meant by that. Chris had always been a sweet guy from what she could tell. A badass, to be sure, but also sweet. In some ways, he was very like her brother. In others, he was the exact opposite.
They ate dinner quietly and quickly, then Sarah and Chris went into the kitchen to do the dishes.
“Did you move back home?” He asked her.
“No, I live downtown,” she said. “I still work at the legal firm. My apartment is close to work.”
“Ah. I just assumed since you were here, that maybe you were living at home again.”
“Nope. I came over just to see you.”
“Well, don’t I feel special.”
“You are special.” She said quickly, but wished she could take the words back. She hadn’t meant to be weird, but she worried maybe she had made things a little awkward between them.
Chris was an airman: a decorated war veteran. She was just…her. Sarah spent her days filing paperwork and filling out paperwork and copying paperwork and preparing paperwork. Chris spent his days saving the world. He was a real life superhero.
“I’m nobody,” he said, and she looked up at him quickly.
“Don’t say things like that. You’re important, you know.”
“No,” he shook his head, scrubbing at a pan with the brush. “I’m no hero. Your brother…he was the hero, hon.”
“I miss him,” she said, almost in a whisper, but Chris heard her. He dropped the brush and the pan in the soapy water and turned to her. In silent invitation, he held his arms open, and she ran into them, placing her head against his broad chest.
Chris patted her hair and she cried for just a moment, wishing Garrett hadn’t died, wishing things were still normal and safe and comfortable.
“I know it’s only been a few months,” she said, “but sometimes I feel like the pain will never go away.”
“It won’t go away,” Chris agreed. “It will get easier to manage, though. These things take time, Sarah. I miss him, too. Every day. Every day I wonder why it was him and not me who died. I survived, but I shouldn’t have. I should have been the one who died: not him. I don’t have a family, or a sweet little sister, or parents to look after me. I’m just a former foster kid who decided to make something of himself. Garrett, though…man, he had it all, Sarah. He had it all, and I’m sorry he’s the one who died.”
Sarah let Chris hold her for a few more minutes, then she pulled away and silently began washing the dishes again.
She hoped Chris was wrong about the pain, but something told her that he wasn’t. She was going to be mourning her brother for the rest of her life.
3
After the dishes were finished, Rita and Jim decided to build a bonfire. The group sat in the backyard, roasting marshmallows and telling stories until it was late. When the older couple decided to go to bed, Sarah and Chris told them goodnight and headed out front to their cars.
Chris walked Sarah to hers.
“So,” he said, leaning against the vehicle, making himself comfortable. “Tonight was fun.”
“Yeah,” she agreed, looking up at the stars. It was hard to meet his eyes. It was too intimate. “It was nice. I had a good time.”
“Look,” Chris said, and his voice sounded nervous. She quickly dropped her gaze to meet his eyes. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around. It’s been hard.”
“It’s okay. I know you couldn’t come to the funeral because you were overseas.”
“Believe me, I tried. Couldn’t get permission to leave. I fought for it, but not hard enough, I guess.”
“Do you, um, maybe want to go see his grave?” She asked quickly, squishing her face in nervous anticipation. “I know it’s kind of difficult. Maybe it’s a bad idea, but if you want, I can show it to you.”
“I’d like that.”
She was a little surprised, but tried not to let it show. Of course Chris would want to see her brother’s grave. They were best friends: basically brothers.
“Are you free next weekend?”
“Saturday morning sound good?”
“Okay,” she nodded. “I’ll message you.”
“Good.” He hugged her, pulling her close once again. Chris smelled great and his body felt hard beneath his shirt. He was a rock compared to her mushy figure. She hoped he didn’t notice the weight she’d gained since the last time he’d seen a picture. He probably did, but she dressed in loose clothing on purpose. She didn’t need people commenting on her weight or speculating about why she might be so chubby all of a sudden.
Maybe everyone assumed she had been emotionally eating since her brother passed. Hopefully that’s exactly what they all thought.
“Bye, Chris.”
“Goodnight, cutie.”
He left, and she got in her car to head home. It was only a 15-minute drive, but it seemed to last forever. She’d have to tell him, she realized. She’d have to tell all of them. It was only a matter of time before someone figured out that Sarah had been getting fatter. Her clothes were too small and she was tired all the time.
There had just never been a good time to bring up pregnancy. When she finally decided to tell everyone, they got word that Garrett was dead.
What was she supposed to do then?
Tell them at the funeral?
Everything had happened so fast. There had never been a perfect moment to open up and share
with her parents. Sarah didn’t think they’d be really upset. They wouldn’t go crazy or urge her to have an abortion or anything like that, but they would probably be disappointed in her. Garrett had always been the favorite child and while her parents were usually pretty kind to her, she worried they would compare her.
Garrett had never gotten anyone pregnant.
Garrett had never made a huge, dumb, major mistake.
Even in death, Garrett was a hero. Sarah loved her brother dearly, admired him, and looked up to him, but she also lived in his shadow.
She knew exactly what Chris meant when he said he should have been the one who died because Sarah often thought the exact same thing. She was just some kid working in a law office with no direction. She wasn’t the world’s best paralegal. She wasn’t even the city’s best paralegal. Sarah was average and normal and she had made a mistake with a guy she thought wasn’t that great, but wasn’t that bad, either.
And that was the trouble, she thought, turning into the parking lot of her apartment complex. Jared hadn’t been “that bad.” He wasn’t a great guy or even a good guy. He just wasn’t that bad.
So she had slept with him, maybe out of sadness or loneliness or maybe just because she was drunk and horny, but she had done it.
And now she was going to have a baby.
She touched her belly subconsciously as she felt the tiny flutters of a kick. She had been hiding her pregnancy for weeks now and no one had caught on, but the charade couldn’t last much longer. Soon, she’d have to tell everyone that she was going to be a mother.
What would Chris think of her?
*
Chris thought Sarah was the most perfect girl he’d ever met. Too bad he was no good for her. Instead of going home, he headed over to his friends’ place for a beer. Friday nights at Jake’s place were always a win. He was another staff sergeant at Forrest AFB and he always had great advice.
Since Chris returned to the states, he’d been seeing a therapist to help him cope with his grief, but he’d also just spent a lot of time talking to Jake.
When he showed up at his friend’s house, he parked on the side of the street and hurried up to the door. He rang the bell and this time, someone opened it.
“Hey, stranger!” Heather, Jake’s wife, opened the door and greeted him with a hug. “I’m so glad you came by! The guys have already left, but Jake is in the living room if you want to go chat. Can I get you something to drink?”
“I’m okay,” he said. “Thanks, though.” Chris went over to the living room where Jake was fiddling on his laptop.
“Hey, buddy,” Jake set the laptop down when Chris showed up. “Didn’t know you were coming over tonight.”
“Yeah, I went to dinner at Garrett’s family’s house,” he said. “So I didn’t think I’d make it over.”
Jake raised an eyebrow. He knew all about Chris’ crush on Sarah. While Jake wasn’t too manly to talk about his feelings or relationships, he also didn’t pry.
“How did that go?” Jake asked.
“It was different than I expected.”
“Awkward?”
“No, just different. Sarah was perfect. I didn’t expect that.”
Jake laughed. “You’ve got it bad, my friend. What did you expect?”
“I’m not sure,” Chris said. “Not what I found, though.” He thought she would be weird or upset. He thought she would cry the whole time. He thought she would take one look at him and think of her brother, that it would break her.
But Sarah seemed unbreakable.
Chris wasn’t sure how she seemed so confident about everything, so certain. Even when she’d been setting the table, she’d looked at him with admiration and respect, but not with anxiety. She hadn’t been nervous around him, not like how he felt around her.
“So,” Jake continued. “Did you make a move?”
“We’re going to see Garrett together.”
At that, Jake set his drink down and nodded.
“Good plan, brother. When are you going?”
“Saturday.”
“So you’ve got a week to calm down before you go.”
“I didn’t freak out today,” Chris said. “I thought I would. We’ve been talking online for so long that I feel like I know her really well.”
“Why would that make you freak out?”
“Sometimes people are different in real life, you know?”
“Yeah, man, I know.” They sat for awhile, chatting about work and other random things. When Heather came in to politely tell Chris she was about to put their daughter to bed, he excused himself and headed home.
He didn’t live far from his friend, but when he pulled into his own driveway, he was exhausted. Chris stumbled inside, locked the door, and crashed onto the couch. He couldn’t believe he’d finally met her. Sarah. He’d met her and he survived and he was going to get to see her again soon.
He pulled out his phone and opened his messaging app.
StaffSergeantAwesome: Sweet dreams, beautiful.
He closed his eyes before he could worry about what she’d say back and Staff Sergeant Christopher Miles fell asleep.
4
When Sarah went into work on Monday, she was still on a high from seeing Chris. Part of her still couldn’t believe it had been him in the flesh. He had been sweet and kind and everything she hoped for, but she couldn’t get her hopes too high.
By the time Saturday rolled around, Sarah felt like she was going to jump out of her skin. She hadn’t been able to focus at work at all. In fact, she was a little surprised her boss hadn’t fired her when she misfiled three forms in a row.
Still, somehow she managed to make it through the week and now she was going to meet Chris.
They’d been texting and messaging all week and she realized that Chris hadn’t just been jerking her chain. He really had been flirting with her, coming onto her, making her feel like she was special to him.
She tried not to think too much about him as she parked her car at the entrance to the cemetery and climbed out. She was a few minutes early, so she’d wait for Chris to arrive. He would probably be right on time. Military guys always were.
Sarah tried to take deep breaths and keep her hands off her belly. The baby had been more active than usual lately and it was hard not to touch herself every time she felt a bump or kick. She would tell Chris in time. She’d tell everyone, but not yet. Not today. Today was about Garrett.
A white SUV pulled up near her and she stepped out of the way automatically, but it stopped and the window rolled down.
“You lost, little lady?” A friendly voice called out.
“Nice, Staff Sergeant Awesome,” she said, and climbed in the passenger side of Chris’ car. She turned to him and motioned forward. “Shall we?”
She pointed out the different turns at the cemetery. It was tricky to find your way around, but Sarah had come every weekend since her brother was buried.
“Right up here,” she pointed, and Chris pulled the SUV over. They got out and started walking toward Garrett.
“Was it a nice ceremony?” Chris asked quietly.
“Yeah, it was really nice. A lot of people came.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”
“You were there for him when it mattered most.” Chris had been with Garrett when he died. At least, that’s what everyone told her. Chris hadn’t said much either way about it.
They reached the stone with her brother’s name, and Sarah knelt in the grass in front of it. To her surprise, Chris followed suit. He touched the stone and whispered something she couldn’t hear. Then they just sat there.
Garrett had been an amazing brother. Sure, he was the popular one and the smart one and the perfect one, but he had never let any of that go to his head. He’d always been good to Sarah. He’d always looked after her. Even when he was deployed, he’d always taken the time to see how she was doing, what she was up to.
He was the only one she’d told about the baby.<
br />
And now she was lonely.
She felt Chris’ hand on her shoulder and she looked up, only to realize she’d been crying.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I always get like this here.”
“He was a good man,” Chris said. “And he talked about you all the time. Did you know that, Sarah? Did you know he missed you more than anything?”
“I know,” she confirmed. “He told me every day.” She hesitated, then decided she should be brave and just go for it. “Chris? Do you want to…you know? Talk about that day?”
“Honey, not a day goes by that I don’t think about that day. It just hurts. That’s why I didn’t call you guys when I got back from Afghanistan. It’s why I didn’t email you after the accident. I should have. I’m sorry that I left you hanging.”
“I just wanted to know you were okay.” Sarah might have gone a little overboard with her own emails. Even after Garrett’s death, she had messaged Chris, checked on him, asked him how he was.
She missed their friendly banter and playful conversations .
She missed him.
“I should have reached out sooner, but I felt guilty.”
“For what?”
“For living.” He sighed, then sat back and crossed his legs, still staring at Garrett’s grave. “My therapist says it’s normal, but it doesn’t feel normal. It feels wrong. I was in the same convoy, but a different vehicle. Doesn’t seem fair to me that my best friend died and I was left alive. There was barely a scratch on me, but Garrett’s vehicle? It was destroyed. All those men died.”
“And you were there.”
“I was there. Sarah, I don’t want to talk about that day because I can’t stand to think about it. And as much as I can’t stand to think about it, sometimes it’s all I think about. Late at night, I think about it. When I’m alone, I think about it. When I see a car driving too fast, I think about it. Garrett’s gone and it’s left a hole in my heart. He was my brother.”
Sarah placed her hand on Chris’. She wasn’t sure if she was allowed to or not. She wasn’t sure if that was okay, but Chris didn’t move. They sat there for awhile, hand-in-hand, just watching her brother.