by Lauren James
• Group hugs with friends
• Narrowly avoiding being run over by traffic on a New York street
• Popcorn and Slush Puppies at the cinema
• Candles! What are they about?
• Getting to play a real, actual piano instead of an electric keyboard
• Quicksand – how often do you usually get stuck in this stuff? A few times a month? It seems to happen all the time in films!
• Daisy chains
• Spiderwebs
• Climbing trees and looking into birds’ nests
• Beer. I’ve never been drunk. I can’t really work out what it’s like. Is it similar to when you wake up from a really great dream, and for a moment you can’t remember what’s real life and what are your subconscious’s darkest desires, and everything’s a bit hazy? That’s what I imagine it’s like, anyway.
• THE SEA. SWIMMING POOLS. BATHS. What’s it like, floating in water? It sounds scary.
I think mostly I just want to meet you, though. I could give Earth a miss if I got to see you in person.
R x
PS After I read your email I searched through the video archives and found some recordings of birdsong and rain. The minute the birdsong started playing, I immediately felt calmer. My brain must be hardwired to find the sound peaceful, even though I’ve never heard a bird in real life. No wonder you love it so much.
I’m sending over the recordings, so you can listen to them whenever you feel homesick. I’ve set the rainfall as my morning alarm tune, so it will be like we’re together, listening to the same rain outside our windows.
When I think about all of the possibilities that could have been, I feel sick. If the war had broken out before The Eternity was launched, I would have been left alone. I would have been completely abandoned, without J for company.
I got so lucky. In what could have been the worst, most isolating time of my life, I’ve been given the best friendship. It’s like it was fate, like J was sent to guide me through the darkness to keep me sane.
Without J, I would be nothing. I’d be less than nothing – I’d be forgotten. J cares about me. J is here for me, now that no one else is. He even put a kiss at the end of his email. A kiss, to me!
I hesitate before I send the message, and reread the part about having never been drunk. It makes me seem immature. Everyone has tried alcohol in films. Characters get drunk all the time, like it’s nothing. J will think I’m a baby for not knowing what that’s like.
I delete that paragraph before I send the email.
That evening, I find myself opening Dad’s locker to stare at his bottle of whisky. It’s in an expensive-looking box: black with embossed gold writing. It’s double my age.
Dad was saving it for when we landed on the new planet. The crew weren’t allowed to bring many personal items on board with them, but this was one of his. My mother chose to bring her sewing supplies with her.
I take the bottle to the kitchen and pour a glass of the golden liquid. I might as well put the alcohol to good use. It will be interesting to know what being drunk feels like, just for future reference. J might mention it again.
DAYS UNTIL THE ETERNITY ARRIVES:
273
Before I’m even awake, I wish I were asleep again. A sharp pain shoots across my skull when I breathe in and out. My eyelashes are gloopy with sleep, and I can actually hear the blood pounding in my ears. It’s too loud.
What happened to me?
The last thing I remember is trying to decide whether the whisky might taste less awful if I added ice. Since then, something terrible must have happened. There’s a swarm of wasps inside my skull, buzzing angrily. I feel like I’m dying. I’ve definitely caught a horrific disease. A flesh-eating fungus of some kind.
I don’t have the energy to panic just yet, though. First I need to sleep for ten years. I rub my eyelids, trying to summon the energy to get up and clean my teeth. My mouth feels fuzzy.
This can’t be the hangover that all the films talk about. It just can’t. It’s too terrible. If this is the result of drinking, then why would anyone bother?
A flash of last night crosses my mind: me, sprawled over the side of the sofa, maniacally singing show tunes and slurping whisky through a straw from a glass on the floor.
Oh. That’s why.
I lever myself into a sitting position and venture into the bathroom to try and find a paracetamol.
The living area is a complete tip. I seem to have taken every single item out of the cabinets. The sofa cushions are scattered across the room, as if I was making stepping stones to play a game of The Floor Is Lava – the way I used to with Dad.
Groaning, I dry-swallow a tablet and drop back into my bunk. I cannot deal with the mess right now. I don’t even want to see the state of the kitchen – I have vague memories of attempting to make a four-layer sandwich.
I go back to sleep.
Drunk Romy did come up with a great obstacle course made out of mushroom-soup boxes to jump over in the corridor while running. So I guess she’s not the worst ever.
I’m still going to drink less whisky next time, though.
DAYS UNTIL THE ETERNITY ARRIVES:
266
I spend the morning making origami farm animals to add to the yard of my food-container model house. Carefully folding lines of brown and white paper into chickens, pigs, horses and cows, I place them around my farm in groups of two and three. I think I might save up packaging so that I can make a barn for them – and maybe another farmhouse. I could make a pond out of foil, and some origami ducks, if I can find a pattern for them.
I’m so busy crafting that it’s mid-afternoon before I notice the new email in my inbox:
From: Earth Sent: 19/09/2065
To: The Infinity Received: 04/06/2067
There’s an enormous noise in my ears. I think it’s my own heartbeat, pounding like an alarm.
A message. From Molly? It must be.
I stare at the message, suddenly terrified to open it. I don’t know why, but I feel sick. I’ve been waiting for this moment for months. Now that it’s here, I wish it wasn’t.
My vision rattles, shuddering along with my breathing. Everything feels balanced on the head of a pin. What if it’s bad news? What if something has happened to Molly?
I was finally getting used to being out of contact with Earth. I was feeling happy again.
I have to open the message; I know I do. I want to. But what if it’s a mistake? What if the computer glitched and there’s really no new message at all? I brace myself for the worst.
I click.
A page of text fills the screen. It takes me longer than it should to work out why I can’t read it: it’s in a different language, with an unfamiliar alphabet.
I pull up a translator, pasting the text into it and waiting for the message to process into English.
From: Earth Sent: 19/09/2065
To: The Infinity Received: 04/06/2067
Subject: For Attention of The Infinity
Dear Sir/Madam,
Note: This message is intended for Commander R. Silvers of Earth vessel The Infinity. If it arrives at a time that Commander Silvers is no longer in office, this message should be relayed to her successor.
We are writing to inform you that The Infinity and the transmission unit on Earth are now in the control of our noble Union of the People’s Republic. The United States of America was disbanded on 2 July 2065, and the countries of North America have been absorbed into the UPR, together with all scientific government organizations.
We would welcome you as a fresh citizen and representative of the UPR from these moments on, and have large hopes for The Infinity and The Eternity missions.
Since last contacted, the political landscape of Earth has shifted a considerable amount by the powerful UPR’s victory in the Third Global War. Regardless, we hope The Infinity had no similar disruption and is still operating smoothly.
The UPR is in the process of installing ne
w antennas to detect messages, one of the original having been destroyed in the bombing of Europe. We look forward to receiving The Infinity communications at your pleasure in the future, and eagerly await a confirmation that The Infinity is still on course to reach the destination Planet HT 3485 c.
All hail the UPR! May the King live long and vigorously!
I don’t— I can’t— This doesn’t make sense. I can’t even – what?
Bombing of Europe?
Molly. Is she OK? Is she still alive? The message doesn’t say. Molly could be dead and I would have no idea.
This is my worst nightmare come to life. I can’t keep hold of the thoughts running through my mind. As soon as I try to focus, everything scatters out of my grasp. I make myself stop thinking about Molly, using the methods she taught me to calm down. If I carry on panicking, I’ll be destroyed completely.
I run through everything, trying to process it all objectively.
NASA have been taken over by another government. I don’t know how to feel about that. I want to be happy that I’m getting messages from Earth again at all, regardless of who is sending them.
It’s not like I’ve ever even been to Earth. I have no real investment in which ruling government is currently controlling the piece of land that one of my parents came from – or that the land the other came from has been bombed. It’s all happening on a planet I’ve never seen. But I still feel uneasy.
I read the message over and over. The words feel like a vice, clenching around my heart. It might just be the translation, making the message come out odd and unemotional. It must be hard for software to translate tone accurately. If I could read the original language, it would probably be a great message, really welcoming and friendly.
The UPR are probably nice people. The next message I get from them will be totally normal.
But if the war ended in July, then why did it take them until September to get in touch?
I drop onto the sofa and then seconds later jump up again in favour of pacing the room.
I don’t think I’m being told the whole story.
Suddenly I feel lonelier than before the message arrived.
I miss Molly.
I need to talk to J.
From: The Infinity Sent: 04/06/2067
To: The Eternity Predicted date of receipt: 10/08/2067
J,
Did you get an email from Earth? From something called the UPR?
It’s the worst message I’ve ever received – even worse than the last message from my friend Molly. I’m so scared.
I need to know what’s happening. I need to know if Molly is still alive. What can we do? Is there anything we can do? Or do we just have to sit here, waiting, like always?
I don’t trust them, J. Nothing they are saying makes any sense. They are lying to us. I’m so glad you’re here. I’m so glad there’s someone I can rely on.
R x
From: The Eternity Sent: 30/04/2066
To: The Infinity Received: 04/06/2067
Romy,
I guess by now you’ve picked up the message from the “UPR” too. As soon as I read it, I messaged you. I didn’t want you to have to deal with their email without hearing from me – but I don’t really know how I feel yet. Sorry if this sounds a bit confused.
It’s just all so strange. I want to be angry. I should be angry. This dictatorship has taken over my country. I should hate them, right? I should, but (and I would never normally admit this, especially not to a girl) I’m scared, Romy.
There’s nothing I can do about it. There’s no way that I can help my friends.
I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t here too. Probably turn the ship around and go back to Earth like a one-man army. I’d try to save them all and get blown up in the process. I can’t believe it.
J x
DAYS UNTIL THE ETERNITY ARRIVES:
261
From: UPR Sent: 23/09/2065
To: The Infinity Received: 09/06/2067
Subject: For Attention of The Infinity
Attachment: Antenna-coordinates.txt [40 KB]
Commander Silvers,
We hope everything is well on The Infinity and there is no reason for concern with regards to the progress of the vessel. We have now fully installed the antennas ready for detection, so now hope for updates received to the UPR. If The Infinity ceased communication during the Third Global War, then expectations are no message pick-up for one year or longer. We will, however, continuously scan for transmission during that time, in the instance a message was sent during the war.
Would you kindly transmit to us the details of your vessel’s system operations to date for analysis?
The UPR wishes all the best for The Infinity and once again expresses how pleasing we find your addition to our citizenship alongside The Eternity.
All hail the UPR! May the King live long and vigorously!
The UPR have been sending me messages for days and I still don’t understand a thing. I scan every word, trying to read the truth behind the messages. Who are the UPR? What’s really happening on Earth? They keep sending me robotic messages with a lot of words but not much useful information. The UPR are obsessed with the running of their newly repossessed ships, and not at all interested in telling us what’s actually going on back on Earth.
I don’t know what to think. I just know that I don’t trust them. I can tell J doesn’t, either.
Is Molly still working at NASA or for the UPR? Is she even alive? I don’t think they are ever going to tell me.
The UPR know that their messages are our only communication with Earth, but they still treat us like computer systems they need to relay orders to. I refuse to send them any information about my ship, at least not until I know that I can definitely trust them.
The ship’s system data used to transmit to NASA, but that stopped when the antennas went down. I’m not going to start sending it to the UPR instead. Who knows what they would do with the data? I’m not an idiot.
They have no right to tell J and me what to do. They didn’t build these ships. They don’t own us.
From: The Eternity Sent: 15/05/2066
To: The Infinity Received: 09/06/2067
Romy,
I realized today that I’m in mourning for Earth.
I don’t think it’s homesickness any more, because the Earth I was homesick for only exists in my memory. If I went back now, everything would be different. My old home would be unrecognizable.
I don’t feel sad about the UPR, I just feel numb. Well, that’s not entirely true. I feel angry – and frustrated, the same as I felt after my parents died. Back then, I couldn’t focus on anything beyond this wild fury, which made me want to do anything it took to right the wrong of their deaths.
How do you react to grief, Romy? How did you react after your parents died? How did they feel after the deaths of the rest of the crew? Did they feel guilty? Did it consume them? Or did they carry on with life as normal?
J x
DAYS UNTIL THE ETERNITY ARRIVES:
259
From: The Infinity Sent: 11/06/2067
To: The Eternity Predicted date of receipt: 15/08/2067
J,
Firstly, I’m sorry this reply is a couple of days late. It took me a while to write it. I wanted to get it exactly right.
Your reaction seems completely understandable to me. Everyone deals with grief in different ways. Anger is just one of the different stages.
After my parents died, I didn’t feel sad either – or in denial, or any of the other things you’re supposed to feel. I just felt scared. I was too busy trying to work out how to survive each day to take the time to actually grieve. I think I was in shock.
I knew we were isolated out here, but I didn’t mind it so much when I had my dad to look after me.
He did everything. He cooked and cleaned and maintained the ship; he educated me and hugged me and loved me and read me bedtime stories. He was my best friend – my only
friend. And then all of a sudden, he was gone.
For the first time, I had to do everything he’d done for me by myself. I couldn’t accept that I was responsible for it all. Like I told you before, I even tried to turn the ship around.
I curled up in bed and only moved when my bladder hurt so much that I had to use the bathroom, or I had to eat. I didn’t even let myself sleep, because whenever I fell asleep I had these awful nightmares where I relived everything that had happened. I just watched Loch & Ness over and over.
I was so terrified of my nightmares that I used to pile every piece of furniture that wasn’t screwed down in front of my bedroom door. I wasn’t taking any chances of someone getting in. I was scared of being alone and scared of not being alone, all at once.
That was my whole life, for over two years, until Molly started talking to me and rescued me from myself.
So trust me, however you react to grief, you’re doing a better job than me.
My parents are another example of how everyone reacts differently. After the crew died, they were both so upset. I was only young, but I picked up on that – I still have nightmares about the astronauts all the time.
I think it helped my dad that he had to put on a happy face for four-year-old me. He kept up the routine of day-to-day life for my sake. He didn’t lose himself in heartache.
But my mother – she didn’t go through the stages of grief like he did, and like you’re doing. She shut down completely. For the first year, Dad thought that she would get better. But she never did. She got worse.
She stopped speaking to us completely. Then she refused to be in the same room as us. She couldn’t so much as look at me. I wish I knew what I did to deserve that. Even now, I feel guilty for whatever I did wrong.
I wasn’t scared of her when she was like that. I was just desperate for her attention. I loved her so much. I used to beg her to play with me, to notice me. I used to bring her pictures of animals and plants that I’d copied out for her embroideries, or biscuits and cakes I’d attempted to bake. None of it worked.