The twins had been my sanctuary but even they feel distant now. My mom had been my confidant, but now she’s mad at me and ashamed. Carrie is sick. Bryan, who has always been a friend if nothing more, is now neither a friend nor a lover. And me? I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m floundering and so damn scared. I start driving again, and for a while I just cruise, listening to my music too loud with the window down, trying to drown out my thoughts.
But it’s not enough. My mind is shouting too noisily for me to ignore. I’ve never been anything but a social drinker, but tonight feels different. Tonight I want to drown my sorrows. It’s early to go to the Red Devil. It’ll be empty, maybe just the bar staff setting up for the night, but it’s the only place in town I feel okay about going to. In my yoga pants and slouchy top, I hardly look ready for a night out, but I don’t care. There are only a few cars in the lot so I pull up close to the building. As I open the door, the barman turns to check me out. His name is Darryll. We’ve had a few laughs over the years, mainly on nights when I was trying to distract myself from Bryan. He’s cute in a tattooed, emo kind of way and he smiles as I walk towards the bar.
“You’re early,” he says, looking at me questioningly as I slide onto a stool and rest my purse on the bar.
“In need of a drink,” I say.
Darryll frowns momentarily but he asks me what it’ll be and makes me a double gin and tonic regardless of his misgivings.
I drink it as soon as he slides it across the bar and ask for another. Another frown. “Hey, Katelin. You should take it easy.”
“It’s just a drink,” I say, trying to remain calm. I know he’s just looking out for me, or maybe just doing his job, but I don’t need him to baby me. I want him to serve me what I’m asking for.
When I’ve downed the second double with him watching, I start to feel the effects of the alcohol. Warmth spreads from my stomach through my limbs and into my brain. My face feels tingly and for once it isn’t because I want to cry.
“Another,” I say.
“I don’t know…” Darryll says looking reluctant.
“Hey. I’m having a really shitty day,” I say. “Gimme a break, Darryll. You know me.”
“I know you when you’re here with your friends to have a good time.”
“So, I’m a little early tonight.” There’s a slur in my voice that only makes him look less certain.
“I tell you what,” I say, putting my palms flat on the bar and leaning forward. “Gimme one more and that’ll be my last.”
He rubs his face as though I’m really stressing him out. I’m sure he has things to do and I’m just an unwelcome distraction right now.
“Okay. One more,” he says.
“Yay. Thanks, D.” I’m trying to sound lighthearted in case he changes his mind. As soon as he hands me the drink I down it. It’s so cold that I gasp as it slides down my throat.
“So,” Darryll says, picking up a cloth and wiping down the counter in front of me. “What’s going on with you, girl?”
“A whole heap of shit, D.”
“Well, Katelin, there is one thing I can tell you for absolute certain.”
“What’s that?”
“You ain’t gonna find any solutions in the bottom of a bottle.”
“I’m not looking for solutions. I’m looking to switch it all off for a while.”
“Is it working?”
I close my eyes as the alcohol really starts to take effect. “You know what? I think it is.”
He sighs and pats my arm. “Whatever you need then, I guess.”
He turns and starts to fill the freezers with bottles of beer from an open box on the ground. I watch him and think about all the random people that have crossed my path in my short life. What happens when people pass away? So many people to think ‘I met that girl, once upon a time’. Even with all the lovely alcohol in my system my thoughts are still too fucking morbid.
“You know what, D? I really need to dance.” I slip off the bar and twirl around, looking at the empty club.
“Now that I can approve of,” he says. “I can put something on for you.”
He has a remote control that must connect to the club sound system in some way. In a few seconds, the place is filled with the pulsing beat of a house track I love. “Now that’s what I’m talking about,” I shout, heading towards the center of the dance floor. I close my eyes and put my hands in the air, shaking my thang like I’m in my bedroom and there’s no one watching. I don’t look to see if Darryll has gone back to his chores. I don’t care if there is anyone else in the building who could be wondering what the fuck I’m doing. This is all about release. It’s about shaking off the things I don’t want to think about until I absolutely have to. I have a few more hours before I’m going to know for sure and I’m going to make damn sure they’re memorable.
I dance for so many songs as each blends into the next. I dance until I feel too tired to carry on, until my head feels heavy and my feet sore. I dance until I feel like I have nothing left. When I finally open my eyes, it isn’t Darryll who’s watching me, but three of the sexiest men on the planet, and I’m mad as hell.
15
Standing at the bar, in a row, they look magnificent, and I feel like absolute shit. For a moment I wonder how the hell they found me, then I remember that Bryan and Darryll had classes together, and I’m immediately furious.
How pathetic must he think me to phone a friend to come and rescue me? It’s embarrassing. All I wanted was a moment to take what I needed and I can’t even get that. The music is so loud that it’s pointless any for us to try to say anything, although I can tell they want to.
I look them over, wondering if they fought after I left. I can’t see any bruises or grazes and the fact that they’re here together tells me that they can’t have fallen out too badly. I’m relieved, but not enough for it to overshadow my anger. I stride towards them but as I get close I go around, snatching up my purse and heading towards the door, without saying a word.
“Katy,” Bryan yells and I hear their footsteps following me.
As soon as I’m in the lot I realize that I have absolutely no plan for what happens next. I’ve drunk way too much to consider driving and it’ll take a while for a taxi to come and pick me up. The only option I have is to walk.
I start toward the sidewalk but someone catches my arm, holding me firmly. It’s Bryan.
“Get your hands off me,” I slur.
“No,” he growls. “I’m not letting you go anywhere.”
I struggle against him but he grabs me and tugs me against him. “Don’t.” I push against his chest but he’s so damn strong that I can’t get away. He’s breathing hard and so am I. It’s like we’re both wound too tight and need to let go at any second. I’m fraught and it scares me.
“You need to stop,” he says firmly.
“Who the fuck do you think you are?” I shout. “You chose to be practically nothing to me for years. Now all of a sudden you want to take care of me. I don’t need your pity, Bryan. I don’t want you to think that you’ll step in now to give me a few good months before I die, okay?”
He goes totally stiff against me, as though what I said has frozen him into a statue. I’m still panting and pushing.
“That’s what you think I’m doing?”
“Well, isn’t it? Why now, Bryan? Why now when you’ve held back for so long.”
“Because I couldn’t take it anymore, Katy,” he shouts. “Because I’ve torn myself apart trying to do what I thought was best for everyone.”
I look up at him, still so damn angry and hurt. He takes my face in his big hands and holds me tightly, not letting me look away, even when his stare feels too much for me to bear.
“I love you,” he says fiercely. “I’ve loved you since that moment you walked into the Red Devil wearing your little blue shorts and told me that you’d always secretly wanted to be Wonder Woman.”
My heart speeds as I remember that night. He�
�d made me laugh so much with his silly jokes, but I was with my girls and we’d just been up for some dancing and flirting. I wonder what would have happened if Bryan had kissed me that night. Would we still be together? Would we have weathered all the storms that life might have thrown at us? Would he be with me to face this next chapter and whatever that might mean for my future?
I don’t say anything and his expression turns hurt. “Say something,” he says.
I shake my head against his hands. I don’t know how to tell him how I feel without crying. And I can see Jason and Austin within earshot. How did I get myself into this situation where I find that I love a man who loves me too and still I don’t see a way for us to be together? My heart is his, but it belongs to his brothers too. If I admit that, it’s going to change everything for us. But I can’t just pretend that it isn’t the case.
“I know you feel the same way,” he says. “Tell me.”
“Bryan,” Austin says in a warning voice, his expression more worried than I have ever seen.
“Stay out of this,” Bryan shouts, still gazing down at me as though I am it for him.
“We can’t,” Jason says. “This isn’t just about you.”
“I know, okay. I know that better than anyone,” Bryan growls.
“What do you know?” I ask him.
“I know you care about my brothers too.” He glances at them and then back at me. “I know you. You wouldn’t have been doing all this otherwise.”
I nod my head and then look down at my feet, feeling totally exposed. Bryan tips my chin until I have to look him in the eyes again. “You think I want you to choose?” he asks.
“Well, don’t you?” I’d been so damn certain that Bryan was mad at what was going on between me and his brothers that I hadn’t stopped to consider what might happen if he wasn’t.
His green gaze is piercing. “You’re my girl,” he says. “But I love my brothers as much as I love myself. I couldn’t ask them to stay away from you when I can see how happy you make each other. I know you’re going through some stuff right now, but I also know that you, of all the girls I’ve known, are the one that knows your own mind the best. You may feel out of control, but through all this you’ve been making the decisions that you’ve needed to in order to get through. We want to be here for you, Katy. All of us.”
I look across to where Austin and Jason are standing with their hands stuffed into their pockets, waiting for me to agree. I’m in Bryan’s arms and it feels so right, but also like I’m missing something.
When I was a kid and mom had her first relationship after my dad left, I’d asked her if it was possible to love more than one person. I’d thought that maybe she’d never loved my father, but she told me that she believed it was, and that all the people we meet in our lives will touch us in a different way and inspire different feelings within us. That’s how I feel about these boys.
“I’m a mess,” I finally admit to Bryan. “I don’t want to go home. Not tonight.”
Bryan glances across to the twins then bends to kiss me quickly on the mouth.
“We’ll sort it out, baby. Don’t worry.”
Bryan leads me to his truck and the twins follow behind. He settles me in the back seat and closes the door. I hear him conferring with his brothers and watch as the twins nod at whatever he’s saying. They all get in, Jason and Bryan in the front and Austin next to me. He puts his arm around my shoulders and tugs me against him in a way that feels so right. It’s a brotherly possessive gesture, the kind of fierce caring that I need right now. I snuggle against him, holding onto his shirt and inhaling the fresh pine smell of his clothes.
“I’ve got you,” he says, stroking my hair. I close my eyes as Bryan pulls out of the lot and starts to wherever we’re heading.
The radio station is a good distraction for us all. The DJ is taking calls and we listen as people phone in to tell him funny stories. I don’t open my eyes again until Bryan turns off the engine, and when I do I see we’re at a motel on the outskirts of town. Jason hops out of the car and strides into reception. He comes out holding a room key and waves for us to follow. When I slide out of the car my knees feel weak. I’m totally exhausted and on the sleepy end of drunk. Bryan throws his arm around my shoulders and we walk to room number 4, which has a blue door.
Two huge beds dominate the space, with a small sitting area by the window. Jason is the first to flop down on the grey sofa and reach for the remote. Austin follows, grabbing some water from the mini fridge. I stand by the door not really knowing what to do.
“Why don’t you freshen up?” Bryan suggests, probably seeing my discomfort.
I nod and shut myself in the bathroom, sitting on the closed toilet and holding my head in my hands. I need to sleep. I want to lie down on one of those amazing looking beds, close my eyes and wake up a few days into the future so that I don’t have to go through my appointment tomorrow. I want to wake up the carefree Katelin I was a few months ago, when I was still hoping that Bryan would see me, and my biggest worry was how many shots to order at the bar.
I start the shower and step out of my clothes, reaching for a fluffy white towel. I wash myself quickly using the little bottles of free product, then pat myself dry and pull my top and yoga pants back on. I hand wash my panties and hang them to dry. I don’t want to be gross tomorrow.
When I step back into the room, three sets of identical eyes turn to me, all looking equally concerned.
“I’m okay,” I say. “Just tired. I’m gonna sleep.”
“Sure,” Jason says.
“Nathan called. Carrie’s come around and she’s doing fine,” Bryan says. My hand flies to my mouth with relief. I was so hopeful after I left the hospital, but to know she’s on the mend for sure is the best news. “I’ll call your mom and tell her you’re okay.”
I nod and tug back the covers on the nearest bed, sliding into its pillowy softness and closing my eyes. I don’t remember anything about the next few hours. When I wake, it’s dark in the room; the only light is a slice of yellow beaming out of the bathroom through an almost closed door. I blink a few times and rub my eyes, trying to clear the dryness. My mouth is dry too but there’s a bottle of water on the nightstand that I reach for as I sit up.
I’m unscrewing the cap when I notice the boys. While I was in dreamland they rearranged the furniture, moving the other bed so it’s pushed directly against mine. Bryan is sleeping next to me, his beautiful face totally relaxed, eyelashes casting dark shadows on his cheeks. He’s facing me, lying curled on his side, as close to me as he could manage without making physical contact. Next to him, Jason and Austin are sleeping too, all still in their clothes but socks and shoes discarded on the floor by the door.
The sounds of their breathing mixes with the distant noise of a television in another room. I watch them all for a while, as a feeling of safety washes over me. These men are here because I needed them. Goodness knows what Doug must be thinking right now, and mom. If they’d worried about me and Bryan hooking up all that time ago, they must be hitting the roof at this current situation. Whatever is going on with our parents, these men care enough to not give a damn. They came to find me and didn’t judge my reckless behavior but instead found a way to make it all okay. I lie back down on the edge of my pillow closest to Bryan and gaze at him. All the nights I’d wanted him to kiss me, to hold me, to tell me that he felt the same way as me. I’ve fallen asleep imagining this moment so many times; waking up next to him and watching him while he dreams, sliding closer until I’m wrapped around him, waking him in the nicest way with my hand around his cock.
I put my hand close to his lips and feel his warm breath against my knuckles. He’s so big, strong and masculine during waking hours, but in sleep I can see what he must have looked like as a little boy.
I slide a little closer until my toes are just an inch away from his calves and our faces are about three inches apart. If he woke now, he’d probably freak to find me watching him like thi
s. I stare at his luscious soft lips that are so amazing to kiss. My own lips practically vibrate to taste him again.
There are moments in life when you feel that things are about to change. Decisions come along that feel huge but easy at the same time. When I lean forward to press my lips against his it feels momentous but also like coming home. He doesn’t wake immediately, but when I lick at the underside of his top lip he moves with me, almost as though it’s instinct. I know when he’s awake because he inhales sharply, then his hand comes around behind my head and he kisses me back hungrily. “Katy,” he whispers, hauling my body against his, leaning over me so he can kiss my jaw, behind my ears, over my cheek bones. I hold his face between my hands and stare at him, wanting to memorize this moment, because I know that what I’m about to say to him could change everything.
“I love you,” I whisper. He blinks slowly as though hearing those words is too much for him to take in.
“I love you too, baby,” he says. “So much that I’ve driven myself mad with holding back.”
I smile and kiss his lips as he threads his fingers through my hair reverently.
To my right, one of the twin’s sighs. It’s such a soft sound but it brings things back into focus for me. This isn’t just about me and Bryan anymore. If we’d come together at the beginning, then things would have been much more straight forward. Now I can’t think about excluding Austin and Jason.
“What about the twins?” I say.
Bryan glances their way. “You want me to wake them up?”
I nod and Bryan reaches over to tap Austin on the shoulder. He’s slow to wake. I don’t know how long they’ve been asleep for. His eyes meet mine across the bed and he smiles.
“Hey,” he says. “You back in the land of the living?”
“Something like that.”
“Good, that’s good.”
“Wake Jason,” Bryan says and Austin rolls to shake his brother back to consciousness. When everyone is finally back in the room, they all look at me expectantly like they’re waiting for me to make some kind of huge declaration. I guess what I want to say is kind of huge, and usually I have no qualms about asking for what I want and going after it, but I’m feeling strangely shy. It’s kind of ridiculous when I’ve already had sex with all of them. If it was just Bryan here I’d be fine, or just the twins, and again I’d be comfortable. It’s the three of them in one room that has me thrown. Maybe it’s the sheer amount of man that I’m taking in. There’s three of them and only one of me.
HUGE X3: A MFMM Menage Stepbrother Romance Page 11