She finally speaks. “Nightelves come from the surface.”
“Yes, they do.” I say quietly wondering where she is going with this.
“But I'm not from the surface.” she says.
“Just because I have Nightelf blood doesn't mean I'm from the surface either.” I say not hiding the frown on my face. I did not think it made a difference to her. She has never spoken of my Nightelf blood.
Perhaps it is my own fear starting to surface when she turns to me saying. “I don't understand what you mean?”
“Do you think less of me because of my Nightelf blood?” I boldly ask fearing what she will say.
She turns her head back and looks up at the night sky again. “Well that makes absolutely no sense.”
It wasn't exactly a 'no' for an answer but I know that was her meaning. Sometimes Shadowen doesn't speak direct or answer directly but indirectly and it's something I've grown used to. I turn and look back up to the sky as well. I feel her reach out gently with her magic. I close my eyes and follow her magic as she examines the ground, trees and shrubs with hers.
“The shadows are angry here.” she says suddenly.
“What?” I ask confused at her meaning.
“There are shadows here. They are angry that they are still here.” She gestures to a shadowy area. I tilt my head but see nothing unusual about the shadows; they simply look like surface shadows. Of course I feel nothing from them but I know she does. “They are not from the surface and they cannot go home.”
“Why can't they go home?” I ask.
“They lost their way.” she murmurs with utter sadness.
“I don't understand.” I say and she sits up turning towards me.
Tears fill her eyes. “I've lost my way too and I don't know how to get back either.”
I sit up pulling her to me. I brush my lips along her cheek. “Shadowen, be not afraid I will show you.”
“I am lost here.” she whispers and I pull her even closer to me. I feel her magic touch me and I envelope her with mine. “I'm not strong here, I am weak.”
I tilt her head back and stare into her eyes. “Explain this to me because I cannot feel you. You have blocked yourself off from me.” I finally sigh with my anguish, “Why do you do this to me? Why do cut me off from you and make me suffer when I need to be close to you?” She closes her eyes and so do I because I now feel her sadness and regret. Shadowen is very passionate and she keeps much deep within her and just when I think I've gotten past her armor she shows me another layer.
I feel her relax only slightly because her fear is so strong but now I realize it's not just fear of being outside and upon the surface of Myst. She's afraid of me. Why is she afraid of me? I normally would be hurt but right now it's more important to know why she is afraid of me. I'll deal with my own emotional pain later.
“Shadowen, why do you fear me?” I gently ask her.
“I don't fear you.” she says softly, tears still streaming gently from her eyes.
“I can feel your fear, you have shown me this much.” I say stroking her cheek.
“Can we go home?” she asks and she sounds so scared and so utterly pathetic.
I stand up pulling her to her feet. I draw her to my body and I prepare to drape her veil over her head when I see Mysteria only a few feet away and she is shaking her head at me. I lower the veil instead. Mysteria smiles then dances along the ground spreading her arms out wide until she just fades. I realize this too is Myst and Shadowen must face this fear and I must face it with her. Also her fear of me.
I tilt her head back pressing my lips to hers and quickly I flood her with my magic, which makes her breathless. Slowly I lay her back to the ground my lips suckling her lips and my shadows moving along her body bringing her to new heights of passion. I adjust my body so I am between her thighs.
Using even more of my magic, I slowly begin to lift her gown exposing her skin to the night air. She shivers but her lips are returning my kisses. I feel her wanting to trust me. I feel the fear still there, but she really is pushing herself to just trust me. “Trust me Shadowen.” I whisper along her neck. “I will never betray you or hurt you.” Her gloved fingers linger in my hair. “Look up into the sky my love. Look at the beauty around you. There is nothing to fear. I'm here.”
I move down her body and expose her thigh to the air and I feel her lust, which surprises me. I slide my hand gently along her exposed thigh and she takes a deep breath. I wanted her to feel safe and loved not sexually excited, but now this is wrapped around me so tightly and I will not resist it. I gaze back at her and she looks so beautiful laying there staring up at the sky. I slowly remove my gloves so I can touch her soft skin with mine. She gasps and her desire is seeping through me heightening mine. I'm not sure if I should act on this or just let it go. But when my eyes take in her beauty I know without a doubt I'm going to act whether it's right or wrong.
I pull her knee up, softly kissing it. She makes another gasp and her shadows freeze around me. This is definitely different. I brush my lips again along her knee moving softly up her thigh. Everything just kind of stills around us yet I hear her heart beating and I feel fear mingling with excitement. “Shadowen... do you trust me?” I ask as I feel desire course through me. I realize I've not touched her or tasted her in such a way before. I don't even understand why until now. She is not actually pushing or encouraging me to enter her. Usually when we make love she is so passionate and demanding of me and right now she is trembling in anticipation and fear.
This is all new to her and she is so frightened of everything but willing herself to trust me. I kiss her again sliding her gown up over both her thighs. I will not disappoint her, she will be glad she's trusted me. I touch her so gently that her thighs quickly respond by spreading wider. Now I'm so excited that I'm touching her and about to taste her sweetness. I allow my shadows to wrap around her and she's making soft gasping sounds.
I press my lips to her soft wetness and suddenly she moans out and I'm shocked at her desire flooding through me, it brings me to new possibilities I've not thought of before. I hear her voice inside my head now. Please.... oh please... she's begging me to give her release. I reach back to her as my lips kiss and my tongue licks along her pink flesh. Give this to me, Shadowen... I say to her in this quiet communication.
My mouth presses a little bit further and her body starts to tremble with more than fear its need. I realize I too need to do this and I desperately need her to want me, desire me and to allow me to reach through these fears.
“Reis… please…” She's begging me suddenly to continue. My mouth presses another slow and soft kiss. My mind is racing and although my body is responding to the sweetness on my lips my mind is screaming. Remember she's still afraid of you.
I suddenly find my voice, “Shadowen open up for me and let me drink of you. Give this to me and you will be mine, all mine.” I try to focus on the steady flow of my magic soothing her.
Now her thighs spread wider apart for me to partake deeply of her. I moan against her with my fingers caressing lightly to tease along her wet entrance. Another moan escapes my lips and I feel her excitement as my tongue lightly press in over her most delicate mound. She gasps from the contact opening even more for me.
My voice is husky with desire, “You taste so perfect. Let me drown in your sweetness.” My mouth presses in and I hold nothing back from her. I don't know how or why but I feel her fear slipping away. Her fear of the surface and her fear of me. I feel her body spasm and she cries out to me. This is when I feel her reach for me.
I lift my head and stare into her eyes. I feel her so easily. She needs me. I quickly move over her and it's only a moment that passes when I am deep within her and she is welcoming me. My magic is dancing like black shadows along her skin. They are darting in and out of her and I have absolutely no control over them. Now I can’t even keep my eyes open as desire consumes me. I feel her opening up to me, so soft and sweet and I'm gulping her magic
down as she gives it to me.
Passion is building deep inside me right at my core and I can’t make it stop nor do I want it to stop. I want more of it to build and I want to ride this until there is nothing left. I have never felt like this before I feel her pulling on me and then it happens. Shadowen is in my heart and now my soul is filling with her. I gasp and she gasps and we both are shuddering with ecstasy. I tangle my fingers in her hair. I want more of her. I want to crawl within her and stay inside her so there is nothing left of me.
Voices, soft voices twist inside my head and at first I can't understand the words. Slowly they become clearer. Images dance and flow like boats down a river. I'm floating on an image and I can do nothing but flow with it. There she is... a very young, very tiny Shadowen. I know her right away and she is looking at me with her veil firmly in place. She reaches to me and I take her gloved hand in mine. Now I'm no longer floating down the river of images.
Her voice is so sweet like music to my ears, “I should have called for you. You told me to, but I didn't.” I don't understand her meaning at first but then she removes her veil slowly and everything changes as I follow where her gaze is looking.
Phantom is standing over her and he's hissing at her. She is refusing to do what he is asking of her. Then I watch to my horror as Phantom grabs Shade from Essence's arms and he drags him away.
I feel Shadowen's pain then as I realize he's using Shade to get her to agree. Next I see Shade is lying on some strange table bleeding with cuts and Shadowen is touching his wounds trying frantically to heal him. They cannot be more than five or six years of age. I see Shadowen's pain and see Phantom pull her away from him. I hear him threaten her to do his bidding or he will do more to Shade. I watch her look to Essence for help and she does nothing to help her children.
Shadowen agrees and Essence lifts Shade to her and takes him up the stairs and Shadowen then gets up on the table. I can't watch now. I want to drag my face away... but I see what he does to her. My stomach is churning and I look down to see the young Shadowen is still holding my hand even though she is watching with me. She then turns to me and whispers, “Do you forgive me?”
Before I can tell her she did nothing wrong she points back to Phantom. I understand now more than I want to. She's not forgiven herself for allowing him to touch her, to cut her, to steal her childhood, her faith and love. She's not forgiven herself for what her blood did, what he used it for. The power he gained from her. I see the people he killed using her blood, blood that was meant to give life, not death. Because now they are lining up one by one. She remembers each one of their faces.
I turn back to the hand I'm holding to discover she's no longer a child but full grown, it's my Shadowen now. She turns to me with the silver in her eyes darker somehow. Her shadows are near black and their movement is fluid like I've not seen before. They are not swaying like they normally do, but swirling in a flame of sorts. “Do you forgive me?” I pull her to me and this simple gesture of acceptance from me is all it takes. I feel her so completely. I feel what she feels. What she felt. It's like her whole life suddenly spills into me.
I can plainly see Mysteria of Shadows and her Consort Darkness join in a perfect union upon the surface, which created their child if you will, the Royal Chalice. It was this Chalice that all of Myst was created from. She is the vessel that holds the silver blood of life, the same blood that flows within our walls that gives us light and warmth; the silver blood that holds us together giving all of Myst life.
Oh goddess... Myst flows from her... from Shadowen. I see the darkness swirl with shadows in a union I never really understood until this moment. I know everything about my Shadowen. I know who she really is now and this is the most frightening part of it all. My Consort is not merely the Heir; instead she is the Royal Chalice become flesh.
There is a new understanding of why she fears the surface and it's not at all what I thought it was. It has little to do with Phantom, but to do with her as the Royal Chalice. My stomach fills with revulsion now more so at the thought of what Phantom has done. He's violated the Royal Chalice. He's misused the power of life, twisting it into something wretched. I now understand his obsession and know fully that he is insane.
What I don't understand is why she has become flesh and why doesn't she know who she really is? I feel suddenly a flood of emotions from her. I even feel the love she feels toward Darken, which I could have done without. Yet what really takes me over the edge is the love she feels for me. It's as intense as mine is for her, if not more. I do not know how I know, but she came for me... became flesh to be with me. I'm struck in awe.
More fears surface for me to digest. My precious Shadowen fears of loving me so intensely that she will lose me. This fear is so great that it overwhelms her. She allows me to taste this fear, acknowledge it and embrace it so I can help her to let it go. She can never lose me, I am her's. I've always been her's. I know this now. My entire life has been leading me to her; to be her's to cherish, to love and to protect.
She joins with me so completely that I'm lost within the gentleness of her. I feel her life, the life of Myst that she brings. I can feel the plants bloom from her life. I feel what the shadows feel when they touch her. I can only describe it as taking a deep breath that is perfection. To smell sweetness in the air, like the nightstars she loves so much. I want to laugh because I now understand why she loves them so much. She created the blue variety when she was filled with joy, hence their sweetness. Now I see what gave her such joy, it was me. She was filled with joy because of me while I was nestled in my mother's womb. How could this even be possible?
I lift my head and I stare into her lovely face. Her eyes are once again the startling beauty I have fallen so desperately in love with. I have no idea what I could have done in my mother's womb to cause this goddess to love me so intensely that she became flesh. I lift my hand to gently stroke along her cheek and her full lips part slightly in response. She stares up into my eyes and I'm so lost within her. I hear her soft voice, so sweet and singsong in my heart. I love you, Reis, my Consort. I gently pull her closer to me. My arms wrapping firmly around her warm body. I am blessed and know it. I speak from my heart to hers. Oh how I love you, my beautiful Shadowen, my beautiful consort. The wind whips up around us and I laugh softly as our hair tangles together weaving a perfect braid. I see it in her eyes and know she has done this and it fills me with joy.
I raise my eyes from her and suddenly I'm once again in awe as I look around and I see the Royal Chalice's life flowing across the surface. I see Shadowen. I understand Spector so much better now. I understand why the shadows need to touch her. I understand why she doesn't resist them but allows them to feel her, feel life again. I also feel her new sense of freedom as it sings within my soul. She's mine and I am hers. She also knows that Phantom cannot reach her here. She is free of the fears that I would not want her that he instilled in her. Free of the fear I would not understand. We commune with each other so completely.
I realize she is going to go with Shade to help King Ormond and the other Magi with their castle. She will not participate but she will be there to protect him, which is her real concern. I know she is the Royal Chalice but I have no idea who Shade is. I do know he's important or Shadowen wouldn't feel such an intense need to take care of and protect him like she does. But I also know she may not stay long from Myst, because she is more a part of Myst than any Mystic could ever be.
When I had that vision so long ago as a child of the Royal Chalice I honestly did not understand why the Royal Chalice was so important, but I understand now. I brush my fingers lightly on her cheek and yet what I do not know is why she has chosen me to be her consort.
I stare into her beautiful face and I realize these are things she has yet to fully understand. I see that she is on the edge of understanding and then it slips away from her like a passing dream. I do know that I cannot help her in this knowledge. This is something that she will have to come to terms with o
n her own. There is nothing I can do other than be there for her and to protect her. When she is ready it will happen, this I know for fact.
I pull her up to her feet and adjust our clothing and to my astonishment she turns her head reaching her hand out to the shadows she mentioned earlier. Her voice is smooth and alluring, “Come home.” To my amazement the shadows streak across the ground and touch her then fade back to the ground disappearing in her cast shadow. I press my lips gently to hers and she smiles up at me saying, “I know the way home now.”
Sixteen
It’s definitely wonderful to feel Shadowen so close to me. I didn't even worry after we returned home that she would pull away. She shares each and every emotion, fear, worry, joy, and happiness with me. I know I am blessed and fully alive now. No longer waiting for something to change or happen. Because it is all right here with her.
She's digging today in our small intimate garden. She seems to have been very nurturing lately and our assassin training has not been going very well. I can't even imagine that which gives us life to be an assassin and bring death. However she doesn't even know who she really is and I know I must give her time to grow. There is still plenty of time to train her, if this is what she truly wants.
She's even been sharing with me her worries of Shade. I didn't understand before but now I understand completely and I too have my own worries about him. Through Shadowen I can see the darkness of soul he has and this worries me more than I can adequately express to her. Knowing what I know about her I am sure he is Mysteria's son as well. The power that goes along with this might be our undoing. Yet I realize Shadowen is his anchor that keeps him from going over the edge. I did not worry before about Phantom's influence over Shade because Shadowen seemed so grounded and nothing like Phantom. But knowing what I know now. Knowing he's endured so much by the hands of Phantom and Essence... now I worry he will follow in their steps once he has a taste of his real power.
The Royal Assassin: Shadows of Myst Page 13