And for leading her back to a place of freedom in Christ.
She would stay through the weekend, but by Monday morning she needed a place to go, to live. Maggie looked at the clock on the wall. Ten minutes, and Ben would be there. Her heart raced, and the anxiety that had welled up within her would not go away, but the darkness was gone. There was no doubt about that.
Maggie noticed her palms were sweaty and she wiped them on her pants. A combination of God’s grace, her willingness to be honest, and the medications and counseling had set Maggie free in a way she had never imagined possible.
But the questions loomed.
Where did she go from here? Would she and Ben be able to salvage their life together, to go on together in truth and honesty?
She didn’t know. She could always rent an apartment until she figured out what to do.
The idea of returning to the paper ratcheted Maggie’s anxiety up a notch. Did her coworkers know where she’d been? What would they think? Worse, what would her editors think? Yes, they’d told her in the beginning to take her time, that no matter what happened her job would be there when she returned. But how could she resume writing a conservative, morally minded column when she had pretended to be something she wasn’t?
Trust in Me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
As soon as the Scripture flashed in her mind, Maggie’s heart rate slowed and she felt infused with strength. She could do this; she could face Ben and, with God’s help, she could deal with whatever the outcome was. She hung her head and wove her fingers tightly together. God, You’ve been so good to me. Your words are nothing less than a healing oil to my spirit.
In all your ways acknowledge Me and I will make your paths straight.
There it was again, absolute truth, the very words that had so often provided her a safe tower—and they would do so again in the coming minutes with Ben. Those words were a road map that she could safely follow the rest of her days. And somewhere along the journey she knew she’d find the daughter she gave up. That certainty pulsed within her as strongly as her renewed desire to live. With her mind fixed on God, and thoughts of her child filling her head, Maggie was reminded that although the next hour might be one of the saddest of all, she had every reason to be excited about the future.
The only question was whether Ben wanted to travel it with her or not.
Although Thanksgiving was just four days away, the weather was unseasonably warm and sunshine filtered through a hazy layer of clouds as Ben parked his car and he and Amanda headed, hand in hand, for the front door of Orchards Psychiatric Hospital.
He’d explained to Amanda that her mother was not sick in the way some people get sick, with coughs and high fevers. But she was sick all the same—it had more to do with her heart, where feelings and thoughts can get all tangled up.
“She’s been very sad, Amanda.”
“Sad enough to be in the hospital for a long time?” Ben was pleased that the girl’s stuttering had disappeared after the first day with him. He’d purchased a pink-flowered bedspread for the guestroom to make Amanda feel more comfortable, and she’d loved it. She talked to Kathy every night and seemed to be adjusting well.
“Yes, sad enough for that.”
Amanda had smiled a little, empathy dimming the usual glow in her eyes. “Then I’ll have to pray extra hard for her.”
The fact that Maggie had agreed to the meeting at all proved that God was, indeed, at work answering their prayers. Ben opened the front door and he and Amanda entered the lobby.
“Looks like a rich person’s house,” Amanda whispered to him. Her eyes were wide as she took in the velvet upholstery and elegant curves of the carved mahogany furniture. She moved closer to him.
Ben’s mouth was dry from the raw terror that ran through his veins. What if Maggie turns me away? What if she doesn’t want to meet Amanda? What if she’s mad at me for finding her? What if she—
Trust in Me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding …
I’m trying, Lordy really I am. I can’t even believe I’m here. Open her hearty God … I love her so much more than ever before. He swallowed hard before leading Amanda to a chair near the reception desk. “Stay here, sweetie. I’ll talk to Maggie first and then … then you can come in and meet her.”
She sat quickly in the chair, gripping the armrests firmly and keeping her eyes trained on him. Her hair looked like the palest spun gold, and she wore a new pink dress that they’d picked out together for the occasion. Ben could see how Amanda’s knees trembled beneath the skirt, and for a moment he forgot his own fears at the realization of how frightened the child must be.
Meeting her mother for the first time had to be the most overwhelming moment of Amanda’s life. He stooped and put his hands on her shoulders. “It’s going to be okay, Amanda. God wants us to trust Him.”
Her eyes were locked on his, absorbing his words and every ounce of strength they might offer. She nodded quickly. “Okay.”
Ben grinned and squeezed her hand. “Thatta girl.”
He checked in with the receptionist and was given directions to Maggie’s room.
“Could you keep an eye on her?” He motioned to Amanda. “I don’t want to bring her in just yet.”
“No problem.” The woman behind the counter smiled warmly at Amanda as Ben winked at the child and headed down the hall toward Maggie’s room. With each step he felt more and more like a giddy, nervous schoolboy, as though he were about to find the angel of his dreams and ask her to be his steady girl. Make her say yes, God, please. Although his heart moved along twice as fast as his feet, he was suddenly just outside Maggie’s door.
Whatever happened now Ben knew this much: The rest of his life depended on the next few minutes.
The gentle knock at the door made Maggie jump, and she stared at the handle for several seconds before standing. Give me the right words, Lord …
“Coming.” She opened the door and there he was. Ben Stovall, the man of her childhood dreams, the one for whom she had been willing to sacrifice everything: her honesty, her heart, even her daughter.
Like the first time she saw him, she felt her breath catch in her throat. Ben’s conservative, darkly handsome looks were so striking they could stop women at a busy supermarket—which they had done a number of times.
“Maggie … ” His eyes were tender and filled with teary forgiveness, and she felt herself flinch. If he knew what was coming he’d look different …
They stood there, drinking in the sight of each other—and Maggie realized how long she’d been away and how much she’d missed the nearness of this man. Without saying another word, Ben moved to her and pulled her close. They came together the way two people do at a funeral, when someone they both love has passed on. His embrace told her everything she could ever want to know, that he loved her and missed her and wanted her home.
With all her heart she wanted to let him hold her that way forever and never tell him the things he needed to hear.
But finally she could bear it no longer and, tears pricking her eyes, she pulled away. “I need to tell you something.” Her words were so heavy with sorrow Maggie expected to hear them hitting the floor.
Ben searched her eyes. “No … me first. Please, Maggie, I—”
“We both need to talk; I realize that. But there’s something you need to know first. Something I should have told you years ago. Before we were married.”
The weight of what she’d done to him, to their marriage, to her child was almost too much to bear. Ben sat down on the edge of her bed, and though her feet felt like they were dragging through syrup she pulled up a chair and sat across from him, her eyes trained on the floor. After a moment she looked up and spoke in what sounded like barely a whisper. “I’m not even sure where to begin.”
There was an energy exuding from Ben, and suddenly his eyes flashed with realization. “Maggie, you don’t have to.” He looked like he wanted to close the
gap between them and take her in his arms again, but was too nervous to do so. “I already know.”
She stared at him numbly and her mind went blank. What did he mean? “I’m not talking about my breakdown; I’m talking about my past. The year before we got married.”
Tears filled Ben’s eyes and the subtle lines on his face smoothed into a reflection of serenity. “I know all about it, Maggie. All of it.”
Her stomach was suddenly in her throat, as though she’d fallen down a forty-two-story elevator shaft. What is he talking about? There’s no way he could have found out about … “I don’t know what you mean, but there’s something you don’t—”
“Maggie, please, listen to me.” He wiped his palms on his black jeans and held her with his gaze. “I know. About McFadden and the baby and everything that happened that summer.”
A faint feeling came over her, and her cheeks felt like they were on fire. If he knew, then he probably had come with divorce papers. “How … how long have you … ”
Ben reached out and slowly, tenderly took her hand in his. “A lot’s happened these past few weeks, Mag.”
Her arms and legs were trembling now, and she hugged herself tightly. She hadn’t even had time to apologize, and already the tombstone of truth stood on the table, marking the death of their marriage. “So you want a divorce, is that it? You came here wanting my signature? Because before we talk about—”
Ben closed his eyes and shook his head, but there was not even a hint of condemnation in his expression. “Maggie, stop.” He pulled an envelope from his pocket and handed it to her. “This isn’t from my attorney, it’s from me. Read it, will ya, Mag? Before we go any further.”
Maggie tried to remember to breathe as she stared first at Ben, then at the envelope. Finally she slid her finger under the flap, pulled out the letter, and froze. “Ben, don’t tell me goodbye in a letter … I want to talk face to—”
“Just read it, Mag. I’ll sit right here and wait.” He planted his elbows on his knees and cupped his fist with his right hand. “Go on.”
Her heart was pounding so loudly she figured the patient next door could hear it. Whatever Ben had written, it was time to face it and move ahead. She opened the letter and began reading.
My precious Maggie …
She paused. He called me his Maggie! Maybe it isn’t too late, maybe … No, it wasn’t possible. Not after what she’d done. She forced her eyes to continue.
So much has happened since you checked into Orchards, I hardly know where to begin except at the beginning. You said something to me before you left, something that has stayed with me daily since then. You told me I didn’t even know you, and at different times over the past month those words have taken on two very different meanings.
The letter went on to say how he had learned about John McFadden and then taken it upon himself to look the man up.
I caught him in the middle of what looked like a drug deal, so he beat me up pretty good …
Maggie gasped and her eyes flew to meet Ben’s. “John beat you up?”
“I lived. Keep reading.” There were still pools of tears in his eyes, and for a moment Maggie wished more than anything she could forget the letter and just take him in her arms so she could love the hurt away. She let her eyes fall back to the letter.
I learned about the baby from McFadden, and that led me to Woodland where I found your old friend, Nancy Taylor.
Maggie blinked hard. Ben had found Nancy Taylor? It didn’t seem possible.
“You met Nancy?” She couldn’t believe any of this was happening.
“Yes. That reminds me, she gave me a letter for you. I have it in the car. She said to tell you she tried to find you but couldn’t. She blames herself for not telling you her real thoughts sooner.”
Maggie’s mind raced. What did all of this mean? “What real thoughts?”
“How she never should have encouraged you to give your daughter up for adoption, how badly she regretted not telling you so at the time. Before it was too late.”
“You … you know my baby was a girl?”
Ben squeezed Maggie’s knee and whispered. “Keep reading.”
A wave of sorrow washed over Maggie and threatened to drown her. So Nancy knew the adoption had been a mistake. It was one more sad affirmation that she had made the wrong choice. But it was too late to change the past. What was done was done, and it hadn’t been Nancy’s fault, it had been Maggie’s. And wherever Maggie’s little girl was now, she had a life of her own, and nothing Nancy or Ben or any of them could say would ever change that.
“I can’t believe you already know.” Maggie’s voice was heavy with regret, and she was stunned by the way Ben was handling the situation. “Why didn’t you say something sooner?”
Ben said nothing, just held her gaze and smiled sadly. The answer to her question was suddenly obvious. Ben couldn’t have said anything if he’d wanted to. Until that afternoon, she had refused his phone calls and visits. She returned to the pages in her hands.
When I first learned you’d been with John McFadden, gotten pregnant by him, I was angry with you, Maggie. I believed you were right, that I never really knew you and now that I did it was probably better that we stay clear of each other. It seemed like you said that our marriage was over. But then I found Amanda.
If the first free-fall was enough to make her dizzy, this one turned Maggie’s stomach and made the blood drain from her face. She was terrified to ask the question, because deep in her soul she already knew the answer. “Who … who is Amanda?” Her fingers twisted together and she couldn’t still her shaking.
“She’s your daughter, Mag.” Ben’s words were slow and steady, measured by the calm of a man controlled by the Holy Spirit. “She’ll be eight in six months or so.”
The tears came then, and Maggie moved into Ben’s arms where she collapsed against him, sobbing, desperately trying to make sense of what he was telling her. How was it possible? Ben had learned the sordid truth about her past and instead of finding an attorney and being done with her, he had continued his search until he’d found her daughter. Amanda. Amanda … Amanda, Amanda, Amanda.
She ran the name over and over again in her mind.
“It’s okay, Mag. She’s fine and she … she looks just like you.” He spoke softly, into her hair. “You should see her. She’s beautful.”
“Y-y-you’ve seen her?” Maggie couldn’t control her weeping.
Lord, what is all this? Why didn’t You let me know this was happening? She exhaled, and when she could speak more clearly she leaned back and searched Ben’s eyes. “You found her? Is she … is she okay?”
“She’s wonderful.” He took the letter from her hands and finished reading. “After I found Amanda, I knew what you’d told me was truer than I could ever have imagined. I never knew you. And now that I do, Maggie, now that I know how much you gave up to be my wife, I feel like I know you for the first time.”
He studied her eyes. “I love you, Maggie. I just—” His voice was choked with emotion. “I think of all the times I seemed unforgiving, like I expected you and everyone else to be perfect.” He sighed and shook his head. “What that must have done to you, Mag. I’m so sorry.”
She was having a crazy dream. That had to be it. Or maybe someone had slipped her some psychiatric medication. Every hour since her moment of reckoning, she had dreaded facing Ben with the truth and apologizing for the sins of her past. But here he was, already aware of all she’d done—and he’d found her daughter. Now he was asking her forgiveness. None of it made sense …
Trust in Me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding …
She closed her eyes briefly. Of course it made sense—God had been working on Ben behind the scenes at the same time He was working on her here at Orchards. There could be no other explanation. That’s why Ben had come, why he was here now, of all things, apologizing to her.
Her eyes locked on his again, and she shook her head. “I
’m the one who’s sorry. I should have given you a chance, told you the truth from the beginning.”
“It doesn’t matter.” Ben pulled her close again and stroked her hair. “We’re here now and we have a future to figure out.”
“There’s still something you don’t know, Ben.”
He waited, his eyes only mildly curious, as though nothing she might say could change the way he felt about her. “I’m listening.”
Maggie drew a deep breath. “I’ve ached for that child since … ” Her voice cracked with emotion. “Since I gave her up. I’ve seen her in supermarkets and at church functions and looked for her on milk cartons. I’ve dreamed about her nearly every night and in the past week I decided to do whatever I could to find her.” Maggie gulped back a sob. “I don’t know what the future holds for us, Ben. But she’s my daughter. I can’t deny that another day.”
He smiled at her and despite the tears in his eyes she caught a glimpse of the familiar twinkle, the one that always appeared when he was keeping a secret or about to surprise her with flowers or a night out. “I’m not asking you to deny it, Mag.”
The questions hung around her heart like a heavy curtain, and she was terrified to ask even one, but she couldn’t wait any longer. In some ways, she’d been searching for her daughter since the moment she’d let her go back in the hospital room in Woodland. And now the man she’d thought would turn his back on her had found her little girl. She had to have answers. Just knowing Ben had found her, seen her, made Maggie’s arms ache from missing her. She could still remember the way her daughter felt as a swaddled newborn safe in her embrace.
God, I want to hold her again. Just one more time …
“About Amanda … is she … are her adoptive parents good people?”
A Kingsbury Collection Page 67