Why does he have to care so damn much?
Chapter Twenty-Four
"Luna!" Wes pulls up next to me as I run down the street, breathing hard, my legs burning. I'm not a runner. I've barely gone a block and I'm dying.
Wes gets out of the car and catches up to me on the sidewalk. "I'll take you home but you need to get in the car."
I stop running and bend over, my hands on my knees as I catch my breath. "I don't want to talk."
"I know you don't."
When I'm able to breathe again, I stand up straight and see Wes in front of me, looking like he isn't sure what to do or say. I feel the same way. I don't know where we go from here. This is my first real relationship and this is our first fight. So what do we do now? Is this when we break up? It must be, because I'm already feeling like it's over. My heart is already hurting. I'm already missing him and he's standing right in front of me.
He reaches for me and before I know it, I'm in his arms. What do I do? Hug him back, even though we're breaking up?
If this is our last hug, then I'm hugging him back because I like being close to him like this and I'm really going to miss him.
"Fuck this," I hear him mutter to himself.
I pull away. "What'd you just say?"
"I said fuck this," he says, louder this time, with determination in his voice.
"You mean us?"
"No! Not us. This!"
"I don't understand."
He holds my shoulders and looks at my face. "I'm not letting you do this."
"Do what?"
"Ruin your life because you're afraid. Everyone's afraid, Luna. Every damn person you know is afraid of something. But that doesn't mean they just give up. Some do, and when they do, their fears come true. But the people who don't give up go on to do great things. That's you, Luna. You're going to do great things, but first you have to stop being afraid of what might happen."
"Really?" I say, my anger building. "That's your great advice? To not be afraid of going blind? You have no idea what it's like. And until someone tells you you're gonna go blind, I don't want to hear another word about this."
"Tough shit, because I'm not done. I care too much about you to just let this go. And you know what? I could go blind. Anyone could. I could forget to wear my safety glass in chem class and have a chemical splash in my eye and blind me for life. Or I could get in some freak accident that injures my eyes."
"That's not going to happen."
"Anything can happen. I could get killed in a car accident tomorrow. Or get hit by a bus when I'm crossing the street. Or find out I have a cancer and only have six months to live. Or—"
"Yeah, I get the point."
"Actually, you don't. Because if you did, you wouldn't be giving me attitude."
I roll my eyes. "I'm not giving you attitude. Now you sound like my dad."
"Would you just listen to what I'm saying?" He stares at me until I give him my full attention.
"What?" I ask, and I admit, I did hear some attitude that time, but I'm angry and I just want to go home.
"Anyone, at any time, could have a tragic event happen that changes their life forever. The difference between you and them is that you know it's going to happen, whereas someone else doesn't. I agree there's downsides to knowing and it sucks and I'm sorry this is happening to you. But on the other hand, knowing gives you power. You can prepare for it."
"How? How do you prepare for something like that?"
"You start learning Braille. You figure out what you want to do in life and you research how to do it with limited vision. You talk to people who've been through it. There are all kinds of things you can do, and you can do them now. You don't have to wait. The more prepared you are, the less afraid you'll be."
"I never said I was afraid. YOU did."
"You're really going to tell me you're not afraid?"
I don't answer.
"Why aren't you going to college?" He waits for my answer but I don't give him one. "Why won't you look for your birth parents?"
"That's not fair." I fold my arms over my chest.
"What's not fair?"
"It's not fair for you to push me to find my parents and act like I'm stupid if I don't."
"I never said you were stupid. If it were me, I'd be scared too. I'd be just like you, not wanting to find them. But if finding them meant finding out what was going to happen to me, I'd push past my fears and try to find them."
"Which is basically saying I'm stupid for not doing it."
"That's not what I'm saying. You can decide whatever you want. I just want you to think about it. I know you said you already have but I'm asking you to think about it again. If you found them, maybe you wouldn't even have to talk to them. Maybe you could ask your doctor to talk to them. All you're trying to find out is if the thing you fear the most is really going to happen. And if it is, and you find out for sure you're going to go blind, then we'll go from there. We'll start preparing."
"It's not 'we', it's me. You aren't part of this, Wes."
"Because you aren't letting me. But I want to be part of it. If we're going to be friends, or more than that, then I can't be left out of this part of your life."
I'm not sure I agree with that but I don't want to argue anymore. He said what he needed to say and now I just want to go home.
"Can we go?" I ask.
"Are you mad at me?"
"A little."
"That's better than a lot," he jokes.
"I really need to get home."
"We're still a couple, even if you're mad at me."
"Fine." I look away. "We're still a couple."
He laughs. "Don't sound so excited about it. You might inflate my ego." He steps up to me and plants a kiss on my lips.
"You weren't supposed to do that," I say.
"Why? You're my girlfriend."
"But I'm mad at you."
"Just a little. And the best thing to do when a girl is mad is kiss her."
"That's not true."
"It's true. You're less mad now than you were a minute ago."
"I'm going to go before I get lost in one of your circular logic loops that make no sense."
I walk into the street and feel a sharp tug on my arm. "Luna!"
Wes yanks me back as a group of cyclists go by. They're going really fast and would've ran into me if Wes hadn't pulled me out of the way. They were coming from my left side, a whole line of them, wearing brightly-colored jerseys, and I didn't even see them.
It's so frustrating not being able to see stuff like that. To be dependent on someone else to save you from yourself. I know better than to walk out into the street without turning my head left and right and yet this time I didn't do it. Wes had to save me. I don't want him saving me. I don't want anyone saving me. I want to be independent but I feel like I'm not. Maybe Wes is right and I'm afraid to take the steps to make that happen. But why would I be afraid of that?
***
For the rest of the week, I see Wes at school and we talk and hold hands but that's it. There's no kissing in the halls and Wes cuts back on his usual level of flirting. I wasn't sure why he was acting that way so I talked to Stella, who's way better at interrupting a guy's actions than me. She said Wes is backing off, giving me time to think about what he said.
Stella knows what happened between us. After Wes and I had that fight, I went home and told Stella everything he said. She predicted he'd back off, and sure enough, he did. I don't even ride home with him anymore. He keeps saying he has to run errands after school so I've been taking the bus. We haven't seen each other at all outside of class for the entire week.
I miss spending time with him, which Stella said is good. She said it proves how much I like him, but now I'm worried we may not be able to go back to how things used to be. Stella told me Wes is waiting for me to make the first move and I'm thinking maybe she's right.
It's now Friday afternoon and I'm at the eye doctor for my usual check-up. These appoi
ntments are usually quick so I'll be out of here by four, if not earlier. When I get home, I'm going to call Wes and see if he wants to go out. I thought for sure he'd ask me out this morning in class but he didn't.
"Everything looks good," Dr. Clayton says. He's old with white hair and a white beard that always has bread crumbs in it. I probably wouldn't notice the crumbs in his beard if I wasn't so close to him, but he's always got his face right up against mine when he's doing the eye tests and all I can focus on are those bread crumbs. How does he not notice they're there? And how long have they been there?
"The glasses have really helped her at school," my mom says to the doctor. I wish she wouldn't come in the room with me. It makes me feel like I'm a little kid.
"I'm sure it's made a big difference," Dr. Clayton says. "But next time," he says, pointing his finger at me, "I expect you to make an appointment and come see us if you're having issues. Don't just try to live with it or try to correct it yourself. We need to stay on top of any changes."
"Got it." I get up from the exam chair.
"You can make your next appointment out front," he says as he writes something in my chart.
As my mom and I are walking down the hall, I stop suddenly.
"What's wrong?" my mom asks.
"I um...I had a question for Dr. Clayton I forgot to ask. You go ahead to the front desk. I'll meet you up there."
"That's okay. I can wait."
"Just go. It'll save time. You know how slow they are when you try to make an appointment."
She smiles. "I'll see you there in a minute."
I return to the exam room. The door is open but I knock to get the doctor's attention.
He looks up. "Did you forget something?"
"Yeah." I go in and close the door. "I forgot to ask you something."
He sets his clipboard down. "Go ahead."
"Um..." I'm nervous to even ask this. "You know how I'm adopted..."
"Yes."
"I just wondered...if I were to look for my birth parents, and I was able to find them...would that help? I mean, would it make a difference?"
"Given that this is passed through the genes, then yes, it would be helpful to know how this condition has developed in your parents." His brows draw together. "Luna, we've already discussed this, and when we did, you made it very clear it wasn't an option you wanted to pursue. Have you changed your mind?"
"I don't know. Maybe. I guess I'm just trying to find out if it'd really be worth it. If finding them wouldn't change anything, then I don't want to find them. But if it would help me figure out what's going to happen, then...I guess maybe I'd be open to it."
"Well, as I said last year when we discussed this, if we found your parents, the next step would be to see if they'd allow me to access their medical records or at least speak with one or both of their doctors to find out the extent of their condition. We could very well find that the progression of their vision loss is extremely slow, meaning the same could be true for you."
"Or we could find out they went blind at 25."
"It's possible."
I swallow and look down at the floor. "What would you do? If you were me?"
"Luna, I can't make this decision for you."
"I know you can't. I'm just asking your opinion. What would you do?"
He sighs. "I would want to know."
"Even if it meant hurting the parents who raised you?"
"You wouldn't be hurting them, Luna. Your parents want what's best for you. They're not thinking of themselves. I'm a parent myself, and a grandparent, and believe me, I'd do anything to make my child's life, or my grandchild's life, better. I personally believe that knowing this information about your birth parents would make things better for you. I realize that what we find out might not be what you want to hear but at least the uncertainty will be gone."
I'm starting to think maybe I should do this. If I could just get my birth parents' medical history, that's really all I need. I don't need a relationship with them. I don't even need to know their real names. I just need to know what I'm in for when it comes to my vision.
When I get to the front desk, my mom is waiting for me.
"All set," she says with a smile.
Seeing her look at me, I already feel bad. I don't want to hurt her. I hope I'm doing the right thing.
When we get to the car, I stop her before she starts the engine.
"Mom, I need to tell you something."
"Yes, honey," she says in a cheery tone. "What is it?"
"I want to find my birth parents."
Chapter Twenty-Five
Two Months Later
"Did you hear the news?" Wes asks as he meets me at my locker.
"What news?"
"There was another Bigfoot sighting. Happened last night in Yellowstone, around the same area I saw him a few years ago."
I laugh. "You did not see Bigfoot." I shut my locker. "He doesn't exist."
Wes' jaw drops, then snaps shut. "After all this time we've spent together, you're just now telling me that you doubt the existence of Bigfoot?"
"Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra. They're all just urban legends."
"I can't believe you just said that!" He pretends to be shocked. He knows I'm just teasing.
Lately Wes has become even more obsessed with Bigfoot because he's making a new game about him. He's been doing all this research and every day I get an update on Bigfoot sightings.
This has been going on for over two months. It's hard to believe we've dated that long, but at the same time, it also seems like I've known Wes forever. He's become my best friend. I'm still friends with Stella but she's so busy with curling and Sam that I hardly ever see her outside of school.
Wes turns and walks out the door, leaving me standing there. I'm laughing as I race to catch up with him.
"Wes, hold on!" I grab his messenger bag, stopping him.
"I'm mad at you." He faces me, and from his serious expression, I think maybe he really is mad at me, but then he grabs me around the waist and kisses me.
When he lets me go, I smile and say, "I thought you were mad at me."
He shrugs. "The world is full of nonbelievers. Eventually, I'll prove to you he exists."
I take his hand as we walk to the parking lot. "I hope you know I was just kidding. I really do believe in Bigfoot."
He abruptly stops and kisses me. The type of kiss that makes you forget where you are as the outside world fades away for just a brief moment.
The moment ends when someone honks their horn.
"Get a room, Monkey Boy!" a guy yells.
I turn and see Dan in his red pickup stopped in the parking lot, unable to get past us. Dan's a senior and part of the popular crowd but he's also into computers like Wes so they bonded over that and became friends.
Since dating Wes, my school life has completely changed. Hardly anyone calls me names anymore and girls actually talk to me instead of whispering behind my back. Even if they're only being nice because I'm dating Wes, I'll still take their fake niceness over being made fun of every day.
Last weekend, Wes and I went to homecoming, which is something I never thought I'd do. I didn't think I'd ever have a boyfriend to take me. And in the off chance that I did, I worried something bad would happen at the dance, like someone would throw tuna at me. But that didn't happen. In fact, a few girls actually came up to me and said they liked my dress. So yeah, high school has definitely gotten better.
Wes walks over to Dan's truck. "What are you up to tonight?"
"Going to my cousin's house for that party I told you about."
"That's tonight?" Wes motions me to come beside him. When I do, he puts his arm around me. "I thought that was tomorrow."
"No, it's tonight. You and Luna should come. They're doing a bonfire out back and my cousin's band is playing. Stop by whenever. I'll text you how to get there."
"We can't make it," Wes says. "We've already got plans."
We do? I
didn't know we had plans. On Friday nights we usually go out for dinner and then hang out at Wes' house or do something with Sam and Stella. Tonight Stella is taking Sam to a concert he wanted to go to so I assumed Wes and I would just watch movies at his house. Maybe those are the plans Wes is referring to, although they're not really plans.
"Maybe next time," he says.
"Yeah. See ya."
Dan drives off and I say to Wes, "What plans do we have tonight?"
"Get a pizza and watch a movie at my house."
"We always do that. You made it sound like we were doing something else."
"Do you want to do something else?"
I smile. "No. I like our Friday nights at your house."
"I do too but I'm up for doing something else if you want to go out."
"Maybe some other Friday. Tonight I want to stay in."
It's really cold out—so cold it might even snow tonight. Staying inside and watching a movie while cuddled up next to Wes is way more appealing than going out.
"Why'd you kiss me just now?" I ask as we walk to his car.
"Because I wanted to."
"In the middle of the parking lot?"
"I couldn't wait. You won over my heart with your acknowledgment of Bigfoot. I had to kiss you right then and there."
We're at his car now and he opens the trunk and tosses our school bags in there.
"Aren't you sick of tuna?" a guy says. I turn and see Hunter behind us, standing by his car. He smirks at me. "The smell alone would make me sick."
"Fuck off," Wes says.
"Just ignore him," I whisper to Wes.
Hunter is one of the few people who still call me Tuna, but it doesn't bother me like it used to now that I know he had a crush on me, or still does. I didn't think he still liked me that way but then I caught him staring at me in class a few times so now I'm thinking maybe he does. Making fun of me is a really immature way to show a girl you like her but Hunter has always been immature.
"Does she wear those fucking glasses when you guys do it?" he says, laughing.
The Geek and The Goddess Page 22