by Michael Fry
We hid behind some bushes and waited.
I said, ‘You see Arnold?’
Molly shook her head. ‘There is no Arnold.’
‘Just like you used to say there was no Emily. You don’t know anything.’
Molly glared at me. ‘Like you know anything.’
‘I know a lot. I know you’re annoying and I know I don’t want to be here and I absolutely know if I cut myself on a sharp edge, my mum is going to kill me.’
‘If Arnold doesn’t get you first,’ Molly said.
‘Shut up.’
‘You shut up.’
‘What is that?’ asked Molly.
‘It’s Karl,’ I said. ‘Covered in bubble wrap?’
Karl headed for the rocket slide. On his way he spotted the mum and her son.
Karl said, ‘You haven’t seen a kid-snacking were-poodle, have you?’
The mum shook her head.
‘Good.’ Karl smiled at the little boy. ‘Next time, bubble wrap.’
Karl disappeared into the rocket slide.
‘Check the Beret-Cam,’ said Molly.
The Beret-Cam was dark. ‘I can’t see anything through the bubble wrap,’ I said.
Molly started tiptoeing toward the rocket. ‘MLEZ must be waiting at the top of the rocket. Let’s go.’
I really wanted to follow her, but there was the Arnold situation and …
Molly rolled her eyes, slipped her backpack off her shoulders, and handed it me.
‘What?’ I said.
‘Put it on frontways.’
Yeah, I looked stupid. But it was a protection-from-sharp-edges-and-wrath-of-Mum kind of stupid.
As we snuck up to the rocket, I noticed the little boy and his mum staring at us. I pointed to the rocket. ‘He’s right. Next time, bubble wrap.’
Molly and I approached the rocket. It was dark and creepy, and I swear it really did smell like three-month-old fish sticks.
Inside, there were three levels, connected by a single ladder.
‘I’ll go first,’ whispered Molly.
I whispered back, ‘No, I’ll go first. You left the bush first.’
‘What difference does it make?’
‘You can’t go first twice!’
‘Fine. Go first.’
Great. I didn’t really want to go first, but if Molly went first twice, it’d be like she was in charge when we’re really both in charge, even though she always acts like she’s in charge.
I started to climb the ladder. As I poked my head into the first level, the frontpack got stuck.
I yanked. Nothing. I yanked harder.
‘Ow!’ I hissed as the strap dug into my shoulder.
Molly said, ‘Sharp edge?’
‘Shh, I’m fine.’
I yanked again. The strap dug deeper and then …
Molly rolled her eyes. ‘I knew I should have gone first.’
‘Shut up and help me.’
As Molly reached up to adjust the frontpack, we heard Karl above us say, ‘You waited for me! I knew you would. Are you okay? You look okay. What? Me? I’m fine.’
I looked at Molly. ‘Who’s he talking to?’
‘MLEZ?’ whispered Molly.
Karl continued, ‘You like it here, don’t you? It’s your favourite place. I like it too. Except, you know, for the sharp edges and the killer poodle.’
Molly started to climb to the third level when …
Whatever was going on sounded weird, and Karl is plenty weird enough without extra MLEZ weirdness. We started climbing faster.
Karl said, ‘I’m ready. Just tell me what to do.’
‘Karl! No!’ I yelled as I scrambled up the ladder after Molly.
That’s when I saw my worst nightmare come to life.
What happened next involved a lot of screaming and a lot of popping.
Followed by more popping, then sliding, and ending with way too much unintentional hugging.
After we untangled ourselves and scooted back a few feet, Molly said to Karl, ‘You were talking to Stanley the whole time?’
‘He flew away from home,’ said Karl. ‘He always flies to the rocket. I think he likes to perch on top and pretend he’s a space parakeet. What are you doing here?’
Molly and I exchanged looks.
‘Um … we … you know … we always come here,’ I said.
‘Yeah, always,’ said Molly.
I said, ‘It’s … um … fun.’
Karl smiled. ‘I know what’s going on. You like each other.’
I looked at Molly. Molly looked at me.
‘No!’ we cried.
‘It makes sense. You’re always together. You pretend to be mean to each other.’ Karl pointed at Molly’s backpack. ‘And you’re carrying her backpack.’
I dropped Molly’s frontpack as if it were on fire.
Molly glared at me. ‘Thanks.’
Arnold started licking my hand. I pushed him away. He looked hurt. I gave up. He kept licking.
We may not have figured out who MLEZ is, but I know I learned one very important lesson.
CHAPTER 8
After the park incident, Molly came over to my house so we could figure out what to do next.
She said, ‘Okay, so what do we know about MLEZ?”
I said, ‘MLEZ is super-secret and super-smart. He or she or it knows the school … I don’t know … It’s like it’s invisible?’
‘So it has to be somebody at school.’
‘But who? There are hundreds of kids and a bunch of teachers and staff. We can’t follow them all around.’
Molly said, ‘But we can look at them all in one place.’
‘How?’
‘The yearbook! We check everybody. Eliminate them one by one. Somebody has to make sense.’
So that’s what we did.
Page by page.
We checked everybody. We started by eliminating the most obvious ones first.
Then we eliminated the teachers and staff, including Dr Daniels and Mr Dupree.
By the end, we were right back where we started. Before we could figure out our next move, we were interrupted by music from downstairs.
‘What is that?’ asked Molly.
I rolled my eyes. ‘You don’t want to know.’
Molly went out into the hall to look before I could stop her.
Molly said, ‘I better go.’
‘I’ll clear a path,’ I said.
After Molly left, I wondered why adults were always embarrassing me. Is it something I do? Something I say? Am I giving off some sort of telepathic embarrass-me signal?
CHAPTER 9
I tried to escape back to my room, as Mr Dupree twirled Memaw into my path.
‘Nick! You’re just in time to see our big finish,’ said Memaw.
‘I can’t wait,’ I lied.
Mr Dupree said, ‘Your grandmother is an excellent dancer.’
‘Your lead, sir, is divine!’ said Memaw.
No, it wasn’t enough just to regular-embarrass me, they had to epically embarrass me.
‘You’re doing everything I’m doing except backwards and in orthopaedic shoes!’ said Mr Dupree.
Everyone knows the only way to relieve epic embarrassment is to …
Memaw said, ‘Ready … two … three … dip!’
‘Wait! No!’ yelled Mr Dupree.
You know how time slows down when your mum screams when she sees you cooking hot dogs in the dishwasher?
What happened next was a lot like that.
‘My butt!’ yelled Memaw. ‘I BROKE MY BUTT!’
Mum would later correct her. Memaw actually fractured her coccyx. But a broken coccyx doesn’t really draw a crowd.
As Memaw moaned on the floor and Mr Dupree groaned on the couch, I called 999. Then I called Mum. She arrived at the same time as the paramedics and went into full nurse mode.
It’s a lot like her yelling-at-me mode.
We all ended up in A & E, which you’d think would be cool, but it i
sn’t because my mum works there and everyone has to lie to me about how much I’ve grown and ask stupid questions like, ‘Do you have a girlfriend?’
Eventually I did what all kids do when they want to be left alone. I buried my head in my mobile phone and checked Karl’s Beret-Cam.
Whoa! They’re meeting at Outdoor Temporary Class #7? No one uses that room except for …
I texted Molly.
Nick: MLEZ to meet Karl after school tomorrow
Molly: Where?
Nick: OTC #7
Molly: Chess Club?
Chess Club is the lamest club in school. I know I said Saftey Patrol is the lamest, but when I said that, I’d forgotten about Chess Club. Which is easy to do because anyone who joins Chess Club just sort of stops reflecting light.
‘Nick?
Mum stood in front of me. ‘Why are you rubbing your shoulder?
I didn’t know I was rubbing my shoulder.
She pulled my shirt aside to reveal a bright bruise.
‘Oh, that,’ I said. ‘It’s just from my backpack.’
‘Your backpack?’
I couldn’t tell her I’d been at Rocket Park. I was already in enough trouble. I said, ‘I guess it’s … um … you know … heavy?’
‘You think?’
Uh-oh. Here it comes. The my-son-is-turning-into-a-stooped-troll-because-he-carries-around-a-sixteen-ton-backpack lecture.
But that didn’t happen. Instead she said, ‘We’ll deal with that later. Right now I need to talk to you about Memaw.’
‘Memaw’s going to be in a wheelchair, and I’m going to have to change my schedule to take care of her while you’re at school. I’m going to need you to come straight home and take over when I go to work.’
‘Wait. I can’t. I …’
‘You have to.’
That’s when Mr Dupree and Memaw wheeled up. They were feeling no pain.
Unlike me.
CHAPTER 10
‘A helper what?’ I said.
‘A helper monkey!’ said Karl as we walked to the Safety Patrol meeting.
‘You’re making this up,’ I said.
‘No! They help people who’ve been hurt,’ said Karl. ‘They reach for stuff, open jars, find the remote … all sorts of things.’
‘I can do all that for Memaw,’ I said. ‘She doesn’t need a monkey.’
‘But if she had a monkey, then you wouldn’t have to rush home. You could do other stuff.’
I stopped. Did Karl know Molly and I had been following him? I looked at Karl. ‘What other stuff?’
‘I don’t know. Like come over to my house and play Old Maid with my sea monkeys. Even though they cheat.’
Whew. Karl was just being Karl. Which made me wonder again what MLEZ wanted with him.
Karl said, ‘I can get Memaw a helper monkey.’
‘What? How?’
‘My mum’s a volunteer at the Monkey See and Do Centre where they train them.’
‘You’re kidding?’
Karl looked confused. ‘I’d never kid about a thing like that.’
‘I’ll get back to you,’ I said as we arrived at the meeting.
Becky, my alternate-universe girlfriend, and Simone, the former fake French kid, had joined Safety Patrol. I’m not sure why. Probably for the snacks.
‘Who called this meeting?’ I asked.
‘I did,’ said Mr Dupree behind us.
‘Just before he dropped my grandma and broke her butt,’ I added.
Karl said, ‘Grandmas have very delicate butts. You have to handle them with care. Wait. That didn’t come out right.’
‘Forget about my back and her butt. Doris is missing.’
‘Doris Florbt?’ said Karl. ‘I just saw her in the hall. She’s always looking at me weird.’
‘She has a lazy eye,’ said Becky. ‘She looks at everyone weird.’
Karl said, ‘Oh. So it’s not me, then?’
No one said anything.
‘No, Karl, it’s not you!’ said Mr Dupree. ‘And it’s not Doris Florbt. It’s Doris the Plunger. And she’s missing.’
‘A plunger?’ I said.
Mr Dupree nodded. ‘A very special plunger. In fact, the very first plunger: #001.’
Karl was no longer the weirdest person in the room.
‘Doris cannot be lost on my watch,’ said Mr Dupree.
I said, ‘Um … it’s just a plunger.’
‘Nick, have you ever lost something special someone gave you?’ asked Mr Dupree.
‘Yeah. I lost my grandfather’s watch.’
‘Did you say, “It’s just a watch”?’
‘No.’
‘Why not?’
‘The watch was special.’
‘Why?’
‘Because Memaw gave it to me.’
‘Watches and plungers don’t have value. People have value. Spotless Bo gave me Doris. If I lose Doris, it’s like …’
‘Losing Spotless Bo?’
‘Right,’ said Mr. Dupree as he turned to the others. ‘Now, I want everyone to keep their eyes open and help me find Doris.’
Karl stared at Mr Dupree.
‘You can blink, Karl,’ said Mr Dupree.
Karl blinked. ‘Oh, good. Once during a staring contest with Stanley, my eyelids got so dry, my mum had to spit in them so they’d close.’
‘Eww …’ we all groaned. And just like that, Karl regained the lead in the Weird Olympics.
CHAPTER 11
As much as we wanted to help Mr Dupree, Molly and I had a bigger problem: how to tail Karl to his big meeting with MLEZ.
I came up with a plan. It was a great plan. Way better than all my old plans that only looked like great plans. This plan not only looked like a great plan, but it had that great-plan smell.
And the plan worked perfectly … right up until Step 1.
After the ten minutes it took to go through the list (Rub her neck? Again?), I started cooking a box of mac ’n’ cheese on the stove.
My phone rang. It was Molly. ‘What’s happening?’ I said.
‘I’m waiting for Shy Bladder Boy.’
‘Nick!’ yelled Memaw. ‘I’m fading!’
‘Coming!’ I yelled as I turned up the heat under the saucepan.
‘Wait. Here he is,’ said Molly.
‘Stay close,’ I said, watching on the Beret-Cam as Karl left the bathroom. ‘I need you to report what you hear.’
Memaw yelled, ‘Nick! I can’t find the remote!’
Groan. I knew exactly where it was. It’s where it always is. …
‘Hang on. I’ll be right back,’ I whispered to Molly.
I ran to Memaw, pointed to the remote, and listened not-too-patiently to how she didn’t put it in her hair, then ran back to the kitchen.
‘Karl’s gone!’ cried Molly. ‘I followed him outside. He was heading for OTC #7 when my ponytail hit a branch and got caught in a spiderweb.’
I made a mental note: next time, no freakishly tall partners.
Molly continued, ‘After I got my hair loose, I looked up and he was gone.’
I said, ‘He must be in the OTC #7, but I can’t see a thing on my end.’
Molly said, ‘I can’t see anything, either. The blinds are drawn on the windows.’
‘Can you hear anything?’
‘Hang on.’
And that’s when I saw something seriously weird on the Beret-Cam.
Was that an Emily Dickinson mask?
The only reason I knew it was Emily Dickinson is because the school’s named after her and there’s a big creepy painting of her next to the office. It’s creepy because her eyes follow you everywhere!
I had no idea who was behind the mask.
‘Nick!’ yelled Memaw. ‘I’m going into shock!’
I seriously doubted that. ‘Just a sec!’ I yelled.
Molly hissed, ‘Quiet! Someone’s talking!’
I dropped the phone and stood, waiting for my brain to tell my body what to do.
&nb
sp; Memaw yelled, ‘Nick! I smell smoke! What’s going on in there?’
‘Nothing!’ I yelled as I stuck my hand into a sea of extinguisher foam to retrieve my phone.
Molly said, ‘They called him …’
I pulled out my phone and yelled, ‘What?’
‘They called him Your Awesomeness!’ said Molly.
I checked the cam again. It showed Karl reflected in the window outside the classroom.
I said, “Your Awesomeness? That sounds like he’s some sort of …’
I don’t think I’d ever seen a smile that wide.
‘Oh my,’ said Memaw from the kitchen door.
‘It’s me!’ yelled Mum from the front door. ‘I forgot my phone. Where is everybody?’ Memaw shook her head. ‘You are so doomed.’
CHAPTER 12
I was grounded to my room. Not exactly the worst thing in the world.
We were taking a video game break from the MLEZ-Karl situation. Which, with Molly, isn’t really much of a break.
‘No! No! No!’ I yelled into my mic. ‘The only way to get into Squidbot Headquarters is through the plumbing vent!’