The week dragged on, and I was thankful when I finally finished the Friday broadcast. After taking care of a few last minute things, I found my way to my piece of shit Honda and set off for Maine. I hadn’t been able to spring for a flight, but that was fine with me. I could use the long road trip to try and clear my head. I knew that I was doing something I shouldn’t but, for some reason unbeknownst to me, I just couldn’t stop myself. It was like watching a car wreck. It was bad but I couldn’t force myself to turn away.
My cell phone chirped just as I drove over the Maine bridge. It was already midnight but I still had another four more hours in the car ahead of me. I glanced down at the text, it was from Rob and it contained one word.
Idiot.
I scoffed and threw the phone on to the passenger seat. Seriously, what was his problem? Rob had done stupider shit than me, and I’d never given him a hard time about it. I sat back and let him live his life how he wanted to. He needed to back the fuck off before I messed up his face.
The phone lit up as it chirped again … and again. I shook my head and turned up the radio in order to drown out the sounds of the multitude of incoming texts that followed. Rob was being a dick but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of a response. He loved getting emotional responses from people—hell, he thrived on it—but I wasn’t giving it to him. He’d have to go agitate someone else tonight. The phone continued to light up with each incoming message but I continued to ignore it, somehow managing to sing along with the radio until I finally pulled into the Holiday Inn. My mind immediately flashed back to the last time I’d been there, during a similar time for Shane. That poor bastard had needed a fun night, and I hadn’t even been able to give him that much. At the time I’d felt like a failure, but now I got where he’d been coming from. Emma consumed him, much like Elizabeth was consuming me now. I had a newfound respect, and sympathy, for how he had handled things back then. The dude was a freakin’ martyr.
I shook my head as I pulled up to the main entrance of the hotel. No turning back now. I quickly put the car in ‘park’ and went to go and check in. I was really going through with it, and the closer I got, the crazier it seemed. I rubbed my hands across my face, my eyes tired and heavy from the hours I had spent in the car.
“Hey!” Shocked, I spun around to see Elizabeth running through the parking lot towards me.
“Liz?” I felt a smile spread across my face, and my worries completely melted away. “What the hell are you doing here? It’s four in the morning.”
“Well, if you had read, or responded, to any of my text messages you would know.” She smiled in between rapid breaths as she slowed to join me under the awning. “I was able to pull off the ultimate deception.” She giggled but I wasn’t really sure why. Perhaps she was embarrassed at her use of words. I know I hated that she had to do anything deceitful in order to see me, but I selfishly put that aside in order to get my ‘fix’.
Before I could ask for further explanation, she wrapped her arms around my waist and rested her head just below my chest. I put my arms around her shoulders and squeezed. Leaning down and kissing the top of her head, I breathed in the scent of her shampoo. God, she smelled good.
“So, what did I do to deserve this surprise?” I mumbled into her hair.
“Mason flew out to Washington for some architecture conference today, so I seized the opportunity to drive him up here myself. I told Mom and Dad I had a girl’s weekend planned afterwards, so they took Emily earlier this morning.”
“So you’ve been up here all day waiting for me to show up?” I questioned, amazed that she would put herself through such torture just to see me.
“Of course! I knew you wouldn’t get here until now but I wanted to make sure I got to spend every possible moment with you.” She leaned backwards from my chest until her eyes met mine. “Now let’s go check into our room.”
We spent the early morning hours tangled in the sheets together. And for those first few hours it was all about us. Nothing else mattered. I didn’t think, and neither did she. We were just two people who were crazy about each other. I felt like a teenager again, reveling in every moment as though it was a first. But all the while I kept wondering if it might be a last.
Once exhaustion set in, we lay there together, our clothes long since removed. My head rested on her hip while my arm was slung carelessly across her thighs. My eyes kept finding their way back to the mysterious black ink on her hipbone. “You know, your rebellious sister doesn’t even have a tattoo.” I sighed as I rolled away from her onto my back.
She turned towards me and propped herself up on her elbow. My breath hitched as I took in her beauty. “And how do you know that?” she questioned breathlessly.
I rolled my eyes and shared a look with her. It didn’t take long for her to connect the dots.
She made a clicking sound with her tongue. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, considering what a man-whore you are.”
“I am not a man-whore!” I pinched her side and she giggled and flinched away before she lay back down. I loved seeing her smile. I sighed and let my fingers wander back to the ink. “So what does it mean?” I wondered why she had decided to put it on her body too, but I’d settle for just one piece of information today.
Elizabeth looked vulnerable as her gaze shifted from me to the window. “It’s French for ‘love me for who I am.’”
I should have known that it would be something cryptic. Without missing a beat, I answered her the best way I knew how. “Okay,” I smirked.
Her head spun back towards me and she rolled her eyes. “You don’t love me,” she argued.
“Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. But I do know that you’re the only thing I think about lately.”
Elizabeth smiled as she shifted next to me, pulling the covers around her tightly. She sighed and closed her eyes, obviously hoping to get some rest, but I wanted more … needed more. I couldn’t let this conversation stop there. For some reason—whatever it was—I was here to help her and I intended on doing so, no matter the cost.
“Yeah, but what’s the meaning to you?
She opened her eyes and immediately began to plead with them. I could tell she didn’t want to open up to me, but I wanted to know what made Elizabeth Sloan tick.
“It obviously means something to you, Liz, or you wouldn’t have it permanently marked on your body.”
“I … I … well it’s hard to explain really …” Her face reddened.
“Try me,” I urged, hoping to gain some insight.
“It means so much to me, I don’t even know where to begin.” She paused and carefully contemplated her words. “For starters, I guess I feel as though no one really loves me.”
“Mason loves you.” I offered, hating myself for even mentioning his name.
“No, he doesn’t,” she spat. I was shocked by the hatred in her voice. “He loves the façade that I am. He loves the mini version of my mother I have become.” She paused and took a deep breath. “I guess the tattoo just goes against everything I am, but all that I want to be. I want to be me … but I’m not. I want someone to love me for me … but how is that even possible when I don’t even know, or love, myself.”
Propping myself up on my elbow, I grabbed her hand in mine and looked into her eyes. “I know you.”
She forced a smile, obviously appreciating my display of solidarity. “I do feel more like myself when you’re around, that’s for sure. I don’t know, Tyler, but I think you just might be the key to helping me find myself again.”
I’m not sure if it was the fact that I hadn’t slept or if she was just being very evasive, but I still didn’t understand where she was going with this. “Tell me more,” I pleaded, kissing her neck. The more I understood her the more I knew I was done for, but I didn’t care.
“I know everyone thinks I’m a horrible person, I’m not blind to that. But I built these walls up around me for a reason.” She tried to slide away from me, but I tightened my grip around
her waist and pulled her closer. She let out a sigh. “Before I say anything else you have to promise to not judge me or run away screaming.”
“It’s too late for that,” I promised as I pulled her hand up and kissed it.
“Emma always disliked me. Growing up I wanted to be just like her. I idolized her. But she never wanted me around. She pushed me onto my mother. I had no choice in the matter … I was destined to be like Mom whether I wanted to or not. I’m not as strong as Emma. I needed to belong with someone.”
Guilt washed over me knowing that I could have helped that little girl back then. Somehow along the way I could have made her mine—promised her that it would be okay. Tell her to fight to keep herself afloat. But I hadn’t. I’d left, and never looked back.
“I know that you’re thinking you could have changed things for me, and that maybe you could have helped me. But what you don’t know is that you already have, Tyler.”
Breathe in. Breathe out. Just keep breathing.
Her back is cold. She keeps telling herself it’s fine. He likes her. It will be over soon. Then she can forget this ever happened.
Put it in the vault.
Just another secret.
She woke with a start. Sweat poured off her forehead. She looked over, but he was still asleep. Thank God, it was just a dream.
But, she’d lied to herself.
She’d never forgotten … and she probably never would. She should just come to grips with that. This was her …
Whether she liked it or not.
For two whole days Elizabeth and I pretended that we were the only people in the world. We never left our hotel room. We ordered takeout when we got hungry, and only got dressed to answer the door. Our time was spent focused on each other, and with every moment that passed it became apparent to me that I was falling fast. Elizabeth Sloan was stirring emotions in me that I didn’t know I had, and I was feeling things I had never felt before.
But the fact of the matter was that our weekend of playing house was over. I could feel the sadness permeating the room as I packed my bag. I kept looking at her, solemnly perched on the end of the hotel mattress. She looked as broken as she did the first time I saw her in New York just a few months ago.
I took a break from packing and walked toward her. “It’s not like you’re never going to see me again,” I offered in an attempt to make her smile again. I knelt down in front of her, forcing those gorgeous blue eyes to meet mine. “We’ve got all this wedding shit coming up. I’m sure we can steal a few moments here and there. Maybe you could even come out to New York again?”
“Then what?” she asked, her eyes burning straight through me.
I wanted to tell her that I had all the answers. To tell her that I knew what would happen next. But I didn’t. “I don’t know, Liz, I’m following your lead on this one.”
Her gaze broke from mine as a single tear dropped from her cheek and onto her jeans. “I was afraid of that,” she choked.
“Hey,” I spoke softly as I put my hand under her chin. “We don’t have to have all the answers now, right? No labels. I’m fine with this,” I lied. “I will be whatever you want me to be, Liz, as long as I get to be with you. Right now, I’ll take whatever I can get. I don’t know what this is, but I know it’s something worth hoping for.” That was the truth.
“I was afraid you’d say that too,” she sighed. “You deserve better than this. You deserve someone that can give you all the attention and love you need. I want to be that person, Tyler, but …”
“This …” I paused contemplating just the right words to let her know how I was feeling. “This is better than nothing. What I feel for you right now is more real than anything I’ve felt before. I might not get the best parts of you, and I know you’re just as confused as I am, but I know we can figure this out … together.”
“But it’s not just about us, Tyler.”
“It can be.”
She sighed. “No, it can’t. Our actions affect so many people …”
“It isn’t their life, Liz.”
“But it is Emily’s,” she argued. “What I do … it shapes her life.”
I could see where this was going. She wanted me to say that I had no problem raising her kid. But I couldn’t. In fact, the thought of it scared the shit out of me. I love Felix to death, but not sure if I’m cut out to be a parent myself … ever. Instead of giving her what she was looking for, I pushed upwards to kiss her cheek.
She forced a smile.
I knew I should have stuck up for myself and said something … anything. I should’ve put my foot down about the situation. I mean she couldn’t have her cake and eat it, but I was just so happy making her happy that my own happiness didn’t matter at all. I think I was finally starting to understand where Shane had been coming from when working through his feelings for Emma. Rob and I had practically watched him self-destruct. But I was stronger than that. Yeah. Totally stronger. I could handle this.
I finished packing and she walked me to my car, both of us surrounded by uncomfortable silence. We hadn’t made any plans, but that was okay. I’d meant it when I’d said she was in the driver’s seat. She was the one who decided what happened next. I wouldn’t be the one to pressure her, no matter what I was feeling. I would not be that guy. There would be no ultimatum from me … at least for now.
“I’ll see you soon,” I promised, throwing my duffel bag into the back seat of my car. I felt my heart break into little pieces as I looked at her standing there, all sorts of sad. She looked so broken as she fought back tears. “Liz, please, don’t cry. This is already hard enough on me.”
My plea did nothing but open the floodgates. The tears started falling freely from her eyes but she wiped them away just as quickly. “I just don’t want to go home,” she sobbed. I pulled her into my chest, and her tiny frame was lost in my arms. “I’m so miserable there, I just don’t know who I am anymore.”
“You can call me anytime,” I offered. “Whenever you get lonely, and you forget what it’s like to be happy, call me. I’ll tell you a stupid joke and we’ll laugh and you’ll remember that you can be happy.”
We spent our last few moments together kissing. We were better at communicating through actions, rather than words. I’d already realized that and although I didn’t know if that was particularly a good thing, damn, it felt good.
Once we separated, she walked away to her car. It pained me to watch as she kept looking over her shoulder at me. I stood there, waving, as she drove past me back to her unhappy home. And just like that she was gone again, leaving me more confused this time than the last.
After pulling myself somewhat together, I eventually slid into the front seat of my car and pounded my hands against the steering wheel. “FUCK!” I yelled. It took a few more moments, but finally I turned over the ignition for my long journey home. At least I had plenty of time to think things through. My relationship with Elizabeth had been a whirlwind up to this point, and I was just as confused as I had been the night she whispered in my ear at the club.
I started driving and grabbed my cell from my pocket. I considered leaving it off, but curiosity finally got the better of me. I turned it on and was immediately bombarded with text alerts—all from Rob—each of them spewing some sort of insult.
Tyler Johnston—Man-whore Extraordinaire
Did she at least pay you?
Is this some sort of Band-Aid for your mommy issues?
What a jerk! I was beyond annoyed, so, I took the phone and threw it over my shoulder into the backseat … yes, again. I didn’t need him rubbing salt in the wound—I could do that on my own. I knew carrying on with Elizabeth was stupid. I was being dumb and selfish. I didn’t need anyone else to tell me that, Clearly I wasn’t thinking, but I just couldn’t think straight when it came to Elizabeth.
I enjoyed the hours of driving in silence. I cherished every moment, trying to not think about the situation I had put myself in. But no matter what I did, images of El
izabeth kept creeping into my head. They weren’t all recent memories either. I was taking a trip down memory lane, hoping for some sort of clarification on it all. My feelings … her feelings … anything. I just wanted to understand something.
“Hey, Half-Pint,” I waved as I started to stalk past the couch where she was sitting, but for some reason she looked particularly sad. I paused before heading up the stairs and looked at her. “Everything okay?” I asked, knowing that I might be the only person to notice.
She shrugged in response and continued to flick through the television stations. I sighed and turned around to join her on the couch. It was my duty, Elizabeth was the kid sister I never had but always wanted, and I wanted to make sure she was okay—it was the least I could do. She slid over to make room for me. I plopped down and the leather immediately stuck to me as the August humidity dampened my skin. “What’s up kiddo?” I asked, as I knocked my knee against hers.
She sighed. “You guys are leaving me.”
“No, we’re not. We’ll be back to visit,” I promised as she played with the elastics attached to her braces. “You make it sound like we’re moving to the end of the world, Half-Pint. It’s just New York.”
“Yeah I know,” she sighed. “But I know you guys wont be back, and I’ll be stuck here forever.”
Without thinking I reached over and patted her leg. “You’ll be out of here before you know it, Half-Pint. You can do anything you want to. Heck, you could even join us in a few years.” Realizing I may have crossed a line I removed my hand. I knew Elizabeth had a soft spot for me, and I didn’t want to encourage her and her puppy dog adoration. “If that’s what you wanted to do,” I added quickly.
“Without you, Shane, and Em, I’m going to lose myself in this place, Tyler. I just know it.”
I stood up. Shane and Emma were upstairs and I knew they wouldn’t wait much longer to start the movie I had been dying to see. “Don’t let it happen, Half-Pint. Fight like hell for yourself.”
Imperfectly Real (A Series of Imperfections) Page 8