A Babysitter's Guide to Monster Hunting 2

by Joe Ballarini

  She flipped open a secret panel on the handle. Different buttons glowed.

  4WD

  SHIELD

  SMOKE

  OIL

  POWER

  BOOST

  “The L-Five comes complete with four-wheel drive, invisible shield, smoke screen, oil slick, and duel power boosters.”

  Vee twisted a handle, and a small engine below the stroller purred with a high-pitched whine. A headlight flipped up in the front, and running boards sprang out in the back.

  “With baby and driver, the L-Five can reach speeds of up to thirty miles an hour for quick escapes as needed. Oh, and the cup holder doubles as a gear shift.”

  “Wicked!”

  We sat Baby Theo in the seat, buckled him in, and pulled the straps tight. His chubby legs kicked, and he bounced up and down.

  “He loves it,” I said with a smile.

  Vee clicked a remote key, and the headlamp and running boards slid back into place as the power shut down. “Engine’s electric. At full blast it’ll only last twenty minutes, so don’t forget to charge the battery. There’s also a voice command option, but that’s in prototype phase.”

  She handed me the key. “Happy strolling.”

  23

  Wugnot tore into my quiet neighborhood, blasting his favorite Norwegian Christmas heavy metal band, Dark Yule. Piles of dead leaves tumbled across the frosty asphalt. How was I going to break the news to my parents that I was bringing a six-month-old home to dinner?

  “Your parents are good humans,” Wugnot said. “If you gotta tell ’em everything, well, just break it to ’em slowly.”

  My heart shot into my feet. “You think I should tell my parents?”

  “Just make sure they’re sitting down when you do. Most parents faint when you tell them the truth. When they come to, they’re usually pretty reasonable.”

  I gnawed on the end of my sleeve, queasily thinking of confronting my folks. They were going to be ticked. And what if Dawn didn’t get better—ever? Would I have to raise Theo on my own? This was beginning to feel like instant adulthood, and I was not psyched.

  Snow began to fall. White flakes against the black sky. As if the cold front had arrived directly over my roof. I shuddered and zipped up my jacket.

  “Crazy how Liz was looking for her brother this whole time and he just showed up,” I said, not wanting to get out of the car and face my parents.

  “If you ask me, and no one ever does, I don’t think it’s a coincidence,” Wugnot said.

  “You think Serena planned this?”

  With a troubled expression Wugnot unbuckled Theo from his car seat. “I’m just saying that I think that lady’s spinning her web bigger than any of us can see.”

  I unfolded the Lone Wolf from the back of the van and sat Theo inside it as he chewed on his slobbery hand. Wugnot tucked Theo’s elephant blanket around him and then hefted a huge duffel bag into my arms that nearly toppled me over. “Baby supplies. You’ll need ’em.”

  The front light on my house flicked on. My heart jumped.

  “I’m gonna head back to HQ before that beast tears the place apart. Good luck with your folks.”

  Wugnot drove off with a salute as I quietly unlocked the front door.

  The warm smell of dinner filled the air. My mom and dad were busy in the kitchen with their backs to me. I ninja-swooped the stroller behind them and rocketed into my room, shutting the door behind me. Safe.

  “Okay, Theo, here’s the deal,” I whispered, opening the bag of baby supplies. “You stay here and be quiet, and I’ll come get you after I break the news to my parents, okay? Just try to take a nap. You’ve had a big day. We’ll have you back with your mommy in no time, I promise.”

  I unfolded a small portable sleeper and placed him inside it. I fished through the supply bag. Toys, teething rings, jars of baby food, a portable baby monitor. I turned on the camera and aimed it at Theo and then shoved the monitor into my jacket pocket. Yes, this was going to work.

  “Aaaaaeeeeaaaah,” Theo gurgled.

  “Sshhhh, sssssh, bedtime,” I said, rocking his small sleeper.

  “Kelly? Is that you?” called my mother.

  “Be right out!” I said, frantically swishing the sleeper back and forth.

  Theo drifted off to dreamland, and I sprang from my room.

  My mom and dad were waiting outside my door. Both of them had their arms crossed, and they were not happy.

  “Wooo! Crazy day! Here, let me help. I’ll set the table.”

  I breezed into the living room and found the table had already been meticulously set. Candles were burning. The good silverware was out, and there were four plates.

  “I was home, but then I got a call and had to go out and help that poor woman I babysat for last night.”

  “I thought we agreed, no more babysitting for the week,” my mother said.

  “I know, and I’m very sorry, but hear me out—What’s with the fancy dinner? It smells incredible.”

  “Your father made lamb chops and his special duck-fat roasted potatoes,” my mother said proudly.

  “Delicious!” I said.

  “And your mother’s making chocolate lava cake! Woo boy!”

  “Wow. What’s the occasion?”

  “We’re having company!” my dad said, dashing into the kitchen.

  I followed them curiously into the kitchen. Sauce was splattered on the walls. Pots bubbled over. Bags of groceries were hastily spilled across the floor. My dad held out a huge knife. “I’ll chop the carrots if you wash the lettuce. Deal? Deal!”

  I hadn’t seen my father this excited since the Patriots won the Super Bowl. My mother had a big smile on her face too. I thought it was more than a little weird that they weren’t yelling at me for being out so late—and yes, I was going to tell them about the six-month-old currently napping in my room—but why ruin their good mood?

  “It was a slow day at All for One,” my dad said, slicing into the carrots. He was co-owner and mechanic at All for One Auto outside Providence. It was tough work. “I was changing the oil on old Gus Barton’s Chevy, and he was telling me how the cold was making his sciatica act up and how he needed to move out of Rhode Island and retire to Florida for the millionth time when the most beautiful car I have ever seen drove right past us. I had to stop and stare, and even old Gus shut his yap, and together we just gawked at the thing. A 1937 Rolls-Royce Phantom Three. V12 engine. Jet-black. Dripping with chrome and curves and style. I felt like I was seeing a vision of heaven come right at me.”

  He dreamily waved his knife in the air. His love of cars was notorious. It was the reason he became a mechanic. But even this was over-the-top for him. I looked at my mother. She was grating cheese, beaming from my father’s story.

  “There was a driver behind the wheel. An actual chauffeur, Kells! Uniform and everything! Can you beat that?”

  “Sure can’t, Dad.”

  “And what does he do? He pulls into the garage and parks it right in front of me. He gets out, doesn’t say a word, real serious. Sunglasses. And he opens the back door. And who should step out of the back seat? The most gorgeous woman I have ever seen in my life! Face to die for! Jewels like the kind you see in magazines. This long silky red dress. She looked like a movie star—No, better. Like royalty! She looked like royalty. A fairy-tale lady . . .”

  The blood in my veins thumped faster.

  “Like a queen,” my mother said with an awed whisper.

  My stomach dropped. My eyes darted around the house.

  “She glided right up to me and said with this accent—Russian maybe, or German, or gosh, now that I think about it, maybe it was British—and she said, real slow, ‘You look like the right man.’” My dad giggled. I felt ill. “She asked me to take a look at her car for her, and we got to talking and . . . I don’t know what we talked about, but it seemed like we talked for hours and hours about everything. Life, death, love, family. She was the most captivating woman in the entire worl
d.”

  I choked with the sudden urge to throw up. “Was her name Serena?”

  A huge smile spread across his face. “How did you know?”

  The doorbell rang.

  24

  I lunged for the door, snapped the dead bolt, and spun around to my parents.

  “She’s evil! You can’t let her in here!”

  “Don’t be silly, Kelly,” my mother said. “She’s rich and famous. How can she be evil?”

  My jaw dropped. My mother prided herself on not being vapid and superficial. Her heroes were Amelia Earhart, Jane Goodall, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Michelle Obama. She frequently reminded me life was about your heart and spirit and the good you leave behind, not the bling and the likes.

  And then I saw my mother scratch the side of her neck.

  “Let me see your neck,” I said slowly.

  My mother self-consciously lifted her collar to block the skin under her chin and ear. My dad pushed me aside. “Stop being rude, Kelly. We’re lucky someone like Miss Von Kessell wants to dine with us.”

  My hand shot out and grabbed his wrist. My strength and speed shocked him and my mother.

  “Kelly, let go of my hand,” my father said. He was getting angry.

  “Mom. Dad. I have something very important to tell you. There are monsters in the world. They’re real. And I fight them. That’s what I do when I go out babysitting. And now one of the biggest monsters of all is right outside our door.”

  “That’s nice, dear,” my mother said with a bizarre smile.

  “We know that’s what you do,” my dad said. “It’s fine with us.”

  “How do you know that?” I said.

  “She told us.”

  As my father unlocked and then opened the door, I saw the veiny spider bite on his neck. A frightened gasp escaped my mouth. I ran toward my bedroom, but my mother stopped me. She was holding a kitchen knife at her side.

  “Sit down, daughter.”

  All my training and studying for fighting monsters did not prepare me for the chilling, twisted look in my own mother’s eyes. The skin on her neck was off-colored, drained. My brain seized up like an overloaded computer.

  “Come in, come in!” I heard my father say.

  I slowly faced the front door. She wore large Gucci sunglasses. A diamond-encrusted hornet that must have cost a million dollars hung from her necklace. Her face glowed like a Snapchat filter in real life. Her hair was done up in elegant, tight braids that showed off her impossibly long, pale neck. Her silky white dress hugged her every curve. Tiny snowflakes dusted her hair, giving her an extra-glittery shine.

  For a monster she looks fabulous.

  She had not aged a day since her portrait was painted. Then I heard the enchanting voice with its unplaceable accent.

  “What a dump,” Serena said.

  “Thank you!” said my father, bowing.

  “Welcome to our humble home!” my mother said.

  Serena’s exotic eyes fixed upon me. I glanced down to see if she had spider legs, but all I could see were the flashes of two tall leather boots. Her heels clacked on the floor as she took long strides toward me. She seemed to float like she was headed up the red carpet.

  “Very clever, salting your home to keep out my Sleeknatch. So I had to come and pay you a visit myself. I don’t believe we’ve been properly introduced.”

  She offered me her hand. It sparkled with snake rings made of rose gold, and million-dollar bug-shaped bracelets.

  “I know exactly who you are, Serena,” I said, standing my ground.

  “Then you’ll know to bow before speaking to me,” she said with a red-lipstick smile.

  My fists curled up in defiance. I could feel my engine revving. Something twisted inside me, preparing to snap. I had to get ready to fight. Go into warrior-beast mode.

  Be cool, Kelly. No sudden moves. You need to get the antidote from her to cure Dawn and your parents.

  “Let my parents go,” I said.

  “But who else will serve us dinner? Peter. Alexa.”

  She snapped her fingers. My mother and father blinked for a moment.

  “I’m sorry . . . who are you?” my mother said.

  “Your queen, and you will do as I say.”

  My mother swooned, dizzy. She touched the side of her neck. Her spider bite was quivering, sickly.

  “Don’t listen to her, Mom! She’s poisoned you!”

  “Technically, my spiders poisoned her. Silly girl,” sneered Serena.

  With a lost expression my mother cocked her head strangely to the side.

  “I’ll just go check on supper, honey,” my mother said as she scurried off into the kitchen. My dad followed. It broke my heart to see them grovel.

  “Stop this,” I said to Serena.

  “Let’s be civilized, Kelly. Even the Vikings had tea. Sit,” she said, gliding into the dining room. She lowered herself into my father’s chair at the head of the table.

  I slid into the chair where my mother usually sat at the other end of the table. I reached for my phone on the table—

  A gooey ribbon shot out, snapping my phone into Serena’s grip. Her silky spiderweb retracted quickly into the back of her dress.

  “No phones at the table,” she said, looking at my phone. “What an amazing device. It’s enslaved more children than all seven Boogeymen combined. I guess that’s why they call it the web.” She chuckled at her terrible pun. “Don’t look so sad, child. I’m doing you a favor. If it weren’t for me, your parents would be grounding you right now. But now, they’re happy and will do whatever you want me to tell them to do. Go on. Try it.”

  “No!”

  “Alexa, give Kelly her allowance.”

  “Kelly doesn’t get an allowance,” my mother said. “That’s why she works so hard.”

  “Just shut up and give her all the money in your purse.”

  My mother staggered up to the table and dumped the contents of her purse before me. Serena rolled her eyes. “That’s all you have in there? Pathetic. Shoo!”

  I slipped my hand into my pocket and turned down the baby monitor so Serena couldn’t hear Baby Theo. Did she know he was here? Were we playing a game?

  If she wants to play, let’s play. Remember your training. Defiance can be a weapon in itself.

  Serena draped her purple-and-black spotted fur on the chair beside her. I swear I saw it move. Maybe it was still alive. She hooked her leather-bound leg over her knee and kicked her heel back and forth. “This is a very sad home you have here,” she said, looking around. “I cannot believe you people chose to live like this.”

  “We can’t all murder people for their money,” I said.

  Serena scowled, a dark fire in her eyes. She was not used to anyone talking back to her.

  “Isn’t that what babysitters do? For far less money, of course.” She inspected her flawlessly painted black fingernails. “But I’m not here to talk about your poor lower-class life. I’m here to talk about your poor lower-class death.”

  “Lamb à la Peter!” My parents walked in with pots and dishes.

  “Horrid,” sneered Serena.

  “You’re welcome!” sang my mom. “It’s not every day we get someone famous like you through town, isn’t that right, Kells?”

  I couldn’t stand to see my mother like this.

  I glared at Serena. “Please don’t do this. They’re my parents.”

  “And he was my brother!” she hissed. Teeth bared.

  “Who are you talking about?” I said.

  “The Grand Guignol”—Serena simmered, panting—“was my brother. And you killed him.”

  She was shaking. The buckles on her leather boots trembled.

  I sat bolt upright. I had had no idea the Boogeyperson I vanquished on Halloween was this monster’s brother.

  Serena screamed, and her eyelids closed and fluttered like furious bat wings. “And now I am going to watch you suffer for what you did to my little Guignolly!”

  Her
little Guignolly? She was talking about the dreaded demon that tried to roast me alive as if he were a sweet, innocent child. Maybe to her, he still was.

  “Look. I’m real sorry, I didn’t know he was your brother. But he was hurting kids, and that breaks rule number one in my guide,” I said, my voice shaking.

  Serena settled herself. She fixed the black brooch in her hair, and its claws clamped down on her braids, as if it were alive. I squinted and saw that the thing in her hair was alive. It was a spider.

  She uses a spider like a hair clip. I might vomit.

  “My brother’s only fault was that he was a dreamer,” she said with a self-righteous smirk. “Whoever heard of an army of nightmares taking over the world? I warned him, but he was shortsighted. And he never listened to me. That is not how things are done.”

  Her nails clacked on a dinner plate.

  “To help monsters, we need to rid the world of the one thing that has always been in our way: babysitters.”

  She smiled at me, and fangs lowered from her red gums.

  “It’s simple, really. Kill the babysitters, and we’ll thrive. And I’d like to start with you.”

  She pointed her black fingernail at me. A gold scorpion bracelet wrapped around her wrist clicked its stinger threateningly.

  “You scored major points with the babysitters of the world when you killed my brother, Kelly Ferguson. Now all those downtrodden nannies and that old decrepit council of gray-haired sitters who adore you, their youngling hero, will watch as you destroy the organization from the inside.”

  My heart jumped. The babysitter council considered me to be a youngling hero? Serena had to be lying. I couldn’t even pass the training exam. But I needed to focus. This witch was talking about killing the babysitters.

  “So just think of how crushing it will be to the Queen governess when she hears that her beloved beacon of hope has turned into a monster. They might have high hopes for you, but I do not. Just look at you. You’re low-rent.”

  I leaned back, stung.

  “I’ve done my homework on you, Kelly Ferguson. Straight-A student. Yearbook editor. Mathlete. Murderer.” She clacked her nails at me, as if to sum up my entire existence with a small flick.