It was too much—the emotion, the ache, the poetry. And none of it could possibly be true because he wouldn’t have dumped her if it were.
She dug deep and found her voice, pulled it out through the block, choked though it may be. “Why are you doing this? Why would you say all of that stuff? Are you trying to be the biggest dick in my world? Because right now you don’t really have to try.”
“That’s what sh—” He realized it wasn’t the time for comedic relief when she met his eyes. “I’m saying this because it’s the truth, Lacy.” He took a tentative step forward, but stopped when she retreated. “Listen to me. You know me. I’m the guy you’ve been talking to for months. We’ve been through it all together. You’ve trusted me and I’ve never lied to you.” His lids closed halfway as he realized that wasn’t true. “Well, mostly never.”
“Exactly.” That was the point. She really couldn’t trust him. Especially not with something as precious as her heart.
Except that she wanted to trust him. Which was why she hadn’t walked away.
“I only lied that once, Lace. When I told you there was someone else.” He ticked his head back and forth as he reconsidered that. “In a way that wasn’t a lie though either because there was someone else—you. There was you.”
“And you dumped that version of me too. After you made love to me like I actually meant something to you. Or did you forget that?”
“No. I’ll never forget that.” Eli’s voice was soft. Sincere. “It was everything.”
When he said things like that, she was crippled with doubt. She wanted to believe that her night with him—that every moment with him—had meant as much to him as they had to her. “Then why? Why would you dump me after?”
His lips parted to speak then closed, his chest falling with the release of air. These words were hard for him, she could tell. “Because you wanted Jax.”
“I wanted Jax because I thought he was you. Because I thought he was Folx.” For someone as brilliant as he was, it struck her that he was also the biggest dolt to not have figured that one out.
“I considered that. I did. And, at first, I’ll be honest, whatever reason you liked Jax didn’t matter. I wasn’t going to let him stand in my way of getting you. For once, I wasn’t going to back down.” He paused. “But then your song…”
“What about my song? Which song?”
“The song you played for Jax. On the roof. You said it was for him. That you’d connected with him, and I realized that he’d helped you break through. Not me. Him.”
Lacy frowned. “But that wasn’t … I didn’t…” Never mind that he’d just admitted to spying on a moment that she’d thought had been private. She was upset and distracting herself, but what he was saying was wrong.
Plus, Eli had yet to explain why any of that had even mattered.
As if reading her mind, he said, “He helped you do what I couldn’t, Lacy. I’d tried and tried to help you with your writer’s block.… Then Jax comes along, spends one night with you, and your block is over. He fixed you. He was the one who deserved you.”
“He didn’t…” She halted her explanation as the meaning of his words settled through her. “So you decided that since Jax cured me—which he didn’t, by the way—that I shouldn’t have the right to choose that I might want to be with someone else?”
“No, it wasn’t like that.”
The hurt and despair she’d felt only moments ago made way as anger again pushed forward. “You mean that you didn’t completely pull the wool over my eyes then? How long do you think it would have worked with me and Jax before I realized that he wasn’t what I thought he was? Don’t you think we’d have talked about it eventually?”
“I guess I didn’t really think about that.”
She’d caught him off guard. Good. She wanted him to feel as unbalanced as she did.
Except then he regrouped. “But then would it even matter? If you were already into each other?”
“God, are you a matchmaker now? I have one of those already.” A matchmaking sister who had said point-blank that Eli was the one for her, but that was beside the point. “And why did you make love to me if you were just planning to pair me up with Jax and break my heart?”
Aw, fudge nugget. She bit her lip hoping he hadn’t realized she’d revealed as much as she had. The whole situation was messy enough without him knowing how messed up in love she was with him. So much for being a professional liar myself.
“I wasn’t planning—” He stopped mid-sentence. “Wait, I broke your heart?”
Double fudge nugget. “Yes! Of course you did. I was in love with you too.” Crap, past tense wasn’t truthful. “Am in love with you, I mean.” Except she didn’t really want him knowing that necessarily. “I mean…”
She met his eyes, found him smiling. Which pissed her off more because she was not through all her anger yet and because he’d tricked her into saying things she hadn’t planned to say. Pissed her off most because his response was a triumphant smile, and not reciprocation. That pretty much proved it, right there. She was a conquest, not a love. “Are you happy now? I admitted it. There. Point is I was devastated when I found your shitty, arrogant note.”
His smile faded. “And how was I supposed to know that? You asked for one night. Every time we were together you followed it up with ‘we can’t do this again.’ You had me spinning in circles. I was trying to honor your wishes. And … I wanted the note to be sweet.”
His chin nudged up, and she saw sparks of irritation in his eyes. “And, come to think of it, you thought Jax was Folx and you still kept jumping me. What was that about? At least I wasn’t cheating on someone I’d actually met.”
“Oh, don’t try to make my actions any worse than yours.” As if. “And we’d said just friends so neither of us was even cheating on anyone.”
God, it really was a mess.
Eli nodded in a reluctant concession. “It felt a little like cheating, though.”
“Yes. It really did.” There was something soothing about that point of agreement, and she let herself take a brief moment to recognize that before heading back into the fight. “But sex with you wasn’t about emotion. Not at first. That was about orgasms. For the songs.”
“What?”
She flushed, not wanting or knowing how to explain that one. That she’d first thought orgasms led to lyrics was ridiculous in itself, and then that she’d put the time and energy into researching the theory was simply bat-ass crazy.
And then she realized she didn’t need to explain any of it at all. “Actually, that’s a lie. The sex wasn’t for the songs. That was an excuse I told myself.” As long as they were being honest and all.… “I was drawn to you, Eli. It didn’t matter who I thought Jax was. I was pulled to you.”
“Maybe that should have been a sign that you weren’t supposed to be with him.”
“And maybe I would have figured that out, but you didn’t give me the chance when you chose for me.”
They faced off for several seconds, the tension pulled taut. Lacy let her shoulders sag first. She shouldn’t have said that last thing. They’d already been over that, and Eli’s preceding statement would have been a perfect chance for her to say, You’re right. I shouldn’t have been with Jax. I should have realized he was the wrong guy. It was a flaw of hers that Andy often pointed out—not letting the argument die long after the rounds had all been fought.
Though the same could be said of Andy—more so even—so Lacy had never really counted it as a true flaw until that very moment.
Now she wished she’d let the argument die. Or, more, she wished she could find the words that could bring them together because they were so close. He’d admitted he loved her, she’d admitted she loved him—what else was left standing between them?
Eli apparently also wanted a truce. His head bowed as he ran his hand through his hair. When he brought his gaze back to hers, his expression was soft and regretful. “Look. I was wrong, okay? I made a mis
take. I wasn’t trying to make your choices for you. I was trying to be … I don’t know … noble. I saw two people that I love—two people who haven’t had the easiest time as of late—coming together, fixing each other, and I … shit, I didn’t think I had the right to step in and mess that up.”
He brought his hand up to his chest, clutching his fist almost in that weird way Jax always did except with actual meaning. “But please, please know that I wasn’t pushing you away because I didn’t want you. Even now I want to pull you into my arms and kiss all of this away. Letting go of you has been hell, Lacy. Pure hell.”
Oh, how she wanted that too. To be in his arms, kissing away all the misunderstanding. “Then do it.”
His brow furrowed while he seemed to try to remember what it was he’d said he’d wanted.
In that brief pause, Lacy realized what it was that was still standing between them. And it was too big not to address even if it meant she was dragging the argument out further. “See, that’s the problem, Eli. You talk about love like it’s supposed to make everything better with its magical properties, but that only happens in romance novels. Real life doesn’t work like that. You can’t fix someone else, no matter how much you want to. Believe me, I know that now. It was never your job to fix me. And you can’t fix Jax.” Just like I couldn’t fix Jax, even if he was Folx. Couldn’t fix Lance. Can’t fix anyone but me. “That has nothing to do with how much you love someone.”
Eli started to say something, but she stopped him with a single finger and continued. “But let me tell you what love really is. It’s standing up for that person. Standing beside them. Having the courage to go after them. Not coddling them or giving them up in some patronizing show of nobility. When’s the last time you fought for the people—the things—you loved? Fought for your songs or your career or for yourself even? You’ve mentioned concern for Jax, but when have you actually fought for him? Because letting him have his way isn’t how that works. That’s not how any of this works. Like me … you love me? That means you go after me. That means you stay. That means you don’t say words that are flowery and beautiful and hope that’s enough.”
Lacy had a feeling she was talking as much about Lance now as she was Eli. It didn’t matter—the same principles applied. “Love means you don’t give it away; I don’t care what the old set it free cliché tells you.” It wasn’t necessarily the best line to end with, but she didn’t have anymore to say without repeating herself. Besides, she’d said a lot already, and Eli had listened to her patiently.
Now it was her turn to listen to whatever rebuttal he might have. But he simply said, “You’re right.” Then, after a beat, “So now what?”
They were the words she’d posed to him when they’d finally decided that they’d meet in person. What a different place they were in now. It was actually a very good question that exposed the problem with delivering fantastic words of advice—the words usually required some sort of follow-up. Follow-up that often demanded action on the part of those who offered the advice as well as those who received it.
It seemed, perhaps, a good time for her to leave—then hope that he might follow. She shifted, half turning to go before realizing she might want to communicate her plan. Just taking off after a question was asked was not only rude but also confusing, and there had been enough confusion between them already.
She cleared her throat and lifted her head. “Now I’m going to walk away. You have to decide what you’re going to do about it.” Then she walked to the edge of the building and turned the corner.
Once she was out of sight, it took everything not to stop and lean against the outside wall of The Night Owl. Her confrontation had taken a lot of strength, but she couldn’t cop out now. Besides, Eli would follow. Of course he would.
Except that he didn’t. Even after she slowed her steps, she still made it to the curb without him stopping her. Had she been too harsh with her words? Had he decided that she really wasn’t worth fighting for after all? Or was he actually the coward she’d accused him of being?
She refused to go back. She’d been humiliated enough for one day. What could she do then but keep going?
A single tear slipped down her face, but she wiped it away and stuck out her hand to hail a cab.
* * *
Eli stood in one place for longer than he intended to, soaking in Lacy’s words. They stung, made him feel less manly than he liked to feel. But what struck him most was their accuracy. He’d been dead-on when he said she knew him.
He also liked that she was willing to challenge him, because he needed that in his life more than he’d realized. She’d pushed him, then walked away—which was really in direct opposition to her speech about staying and fighting—but he could forgive her for that. It wasn’t her that needed the testing; it was him.
So what was he going to do about it? He was going to go after her, of course.
He broke into a grin as he took his first steps in the direction she’d gone. His first steps toward being the man she deserved.
Before he’d gotten more than three steps toward his destiny, though, the back door of the theater opened and Lou stuck his head out. “Eli! Thank God. Come with me. I need you.”
There was a note of panic in Lou’s voice, yet Eli was focused on his mission. “Can it wait? I’m in the middle of—”
Lou cut him off. “It’s Jax. He’s hurt. The ambulance is on the way.”
Eli’s smile faltered as alarm spread through his body at lightning speed. He’d heard those words before—he’s hurt. Last time, he’d arrived at the hospital and found slits in Jax’s wrists.
Still, though he knew to take the message seriously, he paused now. There was a part of him—a really selfish asshole part of him—that wanted to ignore Lou and go after Lacy. He needed to prove himself to her, and abandoning her now was not the time.
But Eli didn’t just love his songbird. He also loved Jax, current states of their friendship notwithstanding, and as Lacy had pointed out, he’d done a shit job of proving that as of late.
So right now he had to go fight for Jax. But after, he’d fight for Lacy too.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Eli paced the small area beside the hospital bed while the nurse added another dose of pain meds to the IV running in a long clear line into Jax’s arm.
“This one should really make a difference with the pain,” she said. She turned to the others in the room—Lou, Eli, and Wes who had arrived just a few minutes before. “You boys can stay until the surgical prep team gets in here which should be within the next half hour or so. After that, I’ll show you to the waiting area.”
“Thank you.” Lou nodded in appreciation as the nurse slipped out of the emergency room.
It was the first time they’d been alone with Jax since arriving at the hospital almost two hours earlier. Well, the first time they’d been alone that he was actually calm. Before the first dose of pain meds kicked in, Jax had been screaming obscenities at the top of his lungs while the doctors examined his injury. Eli and Lou had been in the waiting room then and could hear him through the thick doors that separated them from the ER.
While they waited, Lou made all the phone calls. He talked to Sammy and asked her to inform the rest of the tour members that the show was canceled for the night without giving any details. He called Wes to be another point of support. He called the manager at the venue and apologized for the inconvenience.
It was after he’d finished all his other calls that Lou got the text. “Dawson’s going home until the tour resumes,” he told Eli. “I guess that’s best at this point.”
For a moment, Eli felt his chest collapsing with disappointment. Then he realized Lou was right—it was best at this point. This didn’t mean Eli and Lacy were done. Not if he had anything to say about it, and he intended to have a lot to say about it.
He knew he should call her, or text her at least, but he just … didn’t. The things he wanted to say to her—and do to her—require
d them to be face-to-face. Besides, he had a few things he needed to get settled before he could really fight for her the way he wanted to.
Like Jax.
When Lou and Eli were finally allowed back to see Jax, they still didn’t get a chance to really talk with him. His room had been a constant in and out of doctors and technicians and nurses. He’d been taken for an X-ray, and immediate surgery had been ordered. Then, another visit from the nurse as Jax’s pain, and temper, flared up again.
Now—finally—he was calm.
In fact he was smiling a little like when he’d gotten drunk on Nyquil that one time in college.
“Feeling a bit better?” Lou asked. “Well, as better as you can feel considering?”
“Yeah, man. I really am.”
Though they’d heard a few details of the story from the staff, Eli had to know. HIPAA had censored all the good bits. “So what exactly happened? Exactly…”
“Ah, you want the details.”
“No, I don’t. I really, really don’t. I want a brief summary.”
Wes leaned forward in his chair. “I want the details.”
Jax beamed. “Well. Chelle and I were getting it on. Like, ah-ha-haaawn. We were on this big oak desk and I was under her while she was doing this reverse cowgirl thing.” He started to buck his hips and describe shapes with his hands, boob and butt shapes, demonstrating.
“Should you be doing that?” Eli wasn’t even sure how he was doing it with all the equipment he had connected to him. Or with all the drugs he had in him, although that explained the sudden drawl.
“I’m totally fine right now. The morphine has so kicked in. So-hooo kicked in. Anyway, then she did this backbend and kissed me. That’s when I heard the crack.”
All the men groaned in unison, and Eli shifted as nonchalantly as he could, his crotch suddenly feeling very vulnerable and unprotected.
Love Struck Page 26