by Lissa Kasey
He opened his mouth to protest but I shook my head. One of the benefits of being the biggest, baddest things in the room now was that I made the rules. I was strong enough to keep anyone from pushing me around. Well, most anyone. Luca had just beaten up a werewolf so I wasn’t sure where I ranked on that scale, but I’d be willing to lay him out if he tried.
“I will call you in twenty-four hours.”
He folded his arms across his chest. “And if you don’t like my answer?”
“Then you go home.”
“Even though you need me.”
“That’s the funny thing about me. I don’t need anyone.” I headed for the door, not looking back. The man was beautiful, had an accent that anyone would fall over in adoration for, and his blood tasted like heaven. He had trouble written all over him. Been there, done that, came back undead.
My phone buzzed. I tapped the screen to answer, knowing who it was without checking the ID. He had been watching. Him no one would notice unless he wanted them too. The crowd of pulsing blood bags didn’t bother him.
“You fed,” Gabe said.
“Why aren’t you home making your boyfriend happy instead of bothering me?” I snapped.
“You shouldn’t be this moody after a meal like that. I could smell him across the room.”
I was horny and had just turned down a hot guy. After more than two months of abstinence the blood was no longer my only need. I hadn’t even braved masturbating since I’d been brought over. It just felt wrong. I was dead. I shouldn’t have these sort of feelings. Then there was the red haze that couldn’t figure out when to show up. Sometimes when I was turned on it came, and all the time when I let the monster out. I feared that meant the monster was taking control of me. But telling my mentor I was pissy because I hadn’t been laid would only have him insisting I alleviate that problem, too. And I was pretty sure I’d kill whomever I took to my bed right now. “Look. I’m fine. I just want to go home.”
“You should work for a few hours. Get some of the aggression out. I don’t know why feeding always makes you so angry, but it does. Think of Constantine.”
Yeah, there was no need to expose Con to my bad mood. He got real jumpy around vampires. More than once I’d stared longingly at the pounding vein of Con’s throat. He’d never offered and probably wouldn’t since he’d been bitten by his sister and controlled by a very nasty and now very dead vampire.
I stepped out into the chilly night. People passed by, huddled in coats and breathing white puffs of air in the nearly sub-zero temps. My coat was light-weight wool meant to help me blend in rather than warm me. I huffed out a heavy breath expecting a little white cloud, but got none. I’d just fed, should have been warmer, but the ice seemed to fill the core of me. I was a dead man wanting to feel alive. How stupid was that?
A hand landed on my shoulder. Gabe. He stared down at me in concern. His coat was heavier than mine, more expensive and stylish. His blond hair was trimmed beautifully. Face all angles and chiseled like a piece of artwork. No one ever saw him and thought “vampire.” Two thousand years of practice made perfect. I couldn’t imagine living that long. I put the phone away.
“Let me give you a ride.” Gabe led me to his car, hand on my arm in a no-nonsense sort of way. It was a short two block walk, but the car would be better than the bus, and I did need to go home eventually.
He unlocked the doors. I got in and stared out the window not wanting to talk, though I knew he would. It was one of the things Gabe did best, though he failed miserably when he had to share private stuff with his lover. Gabe was the overprotective sort, which was both endearing and annoying. More the latter for me.
“So, tell me about Luca.”
“Nothing to tell.”
“You got upset when he came on to you,” Gabe pointed out. So obviously he’d been close enough to watch. Did that make him a pervert? Or was I just in a pissy mood? Yeah, pissy mood.
“I don’t need therapy.” Well, yeah. I probably did, but I didn’t want to work through the disaster that had been my life the past few years while lying on my back on a couch talking to some stranger. None of that shit helped Seiran. Hell, I was pretty sure it made him worse.
“Was he polite?”
“Yes. Of course.”
“Did he taste good.”
Understatement of the year. I could still taste him on my tongue and would be fantasizing about him for days to come. “Yes.”
“Then why didn’t you stay? Spend some time getting to know him?” Gabe started the car and steered out into the street, heading for his bar, not home. Guess I was going to work tonight after all.
“I’ve had that trouble before. Too good to be true.”
“This isn’t love, Sam. It’s food. He’s not asking you for any kind of commitment.”
“That makes him a whore and me a john.”
“Only you’re not paying him.”
“No, you are,” I told Gabe pointedly. The cibo’s were paid, though I didn’t know how much. It was Gabe’s responsibility as my mentor to foot the cost, but it bothered me. More than I realized before. “He’s a blood whore.”
“He’s willing. Why is that a bad thing?”
“Because if I wasn’t a vampire, he wouldn’t even see me.”
“You don’t know that.”
But I did.
Gabe glanced at me, his sharp, handsome features blank of emotions. I’d seen the stoic expression enough to know it was disapproval. Gabe didn’t share his emotions well. With him it was just an impenetrable wall. I pitied Seiran, because sometimes Gabe was just a jerk. He came across as cold when he was really angry. Or maybe that was just to me. “I can’t help you if you don’t let me.”
“I’m trying. I just don’t know if I’m cut out to be a vampire.” I glared out the window again. Another round hole this square peg didn’t fit into.
“There’s only one other option. And I don’t want you to give up yet.”
I shrugged. It was only a matter of time. I’d never asked to be rescued from that creek. That was Kelly’s doing. Choices I didn’t get to make. I hoped they didn’t come back to bite everyone else on the ass. “But if I decide eventually that’s the right thing for me?”
Gabe let out a long sigh. “Then I will grant your request.”
I sat back, relieved by the fact that Gabe would kill me if I asked. I wasn’t there yet, not ready to go. But the thought constantly entered my mind. Too much pain from two lives now, instead of just one. Vampires didn’t walk up to their undead existence with perfect lives and no memories of the old life. No, we dragged that baggage full of shit with us. Someday soon I’d have to let it go one way or another.
Chapter 3
Gabe pulled the car into the lot at the bar and parked. The place had to be jumping since the lot was full enough that people were parked on the grass. I got out without being asked. Maybe some quiet time with a lot of suds could help. I was still hungry but no longer horny. That was a plus, right?
I used the entrance in back to avoid the regular crowd and took off my coat—hanging it on the door—before heading to the kitchen. The dishes were piled up on the counter beside a giant sink and two dishwashers that swirled in a noisy gurgle. I’d never eaten here before my change, but I heard the food was good. The amount of washing I did paid tribute to that. The giant closet of dishes could get emptied in just a few hours on the busiest of nights. On the weekends I often washed twenty or thirty sink loads of dishes while running both washers constantly. People came to the Bloody Bar and Grill for more than just booze. Seiran’s menu drew in even big television networks food critics to talk about the amazing meals hidden away at a little vampire bar tucked away in the corner of the city.
I filled the sink with warm water and suds, pushed up my sleeves and began to dunk dishes into the flow. The heat over my hands felt good. I began to scrub the dishes and put them in the drying rack one by one. Gabe hadn’t hired me because he needed me. He’d hired me because
I needed the distraction. That and I was pretty sure Sei had threatened to leave him if he didn’t get me out of the house every once in a while. I’d never had a real job before this—if you could call dishwashing a real job—but I made sure everything was spotless. Seiran was a shrew when it came to dirty dishes and even though he had a real job now, solving magic crime, he was here a lot.
The rhythm of the work kept me focused for a while. Apparently Kelly and Sei were working tonight as they both had come around to drop off more dishes and take some of the clean ones to the serving area. Kelly just gave me his usual nod hello, but Sei gave me a half hug and asked if I needed a Quicklife before heading back.
“No, but thanks,” I told him. I was still hungry, always hungry, but that stuff was gross. “Think of those like drinking a warm purple Gatorade.” The fake flavors, too much sugar, and wallop of chemicals was nothing but nasty.
Seiran shuddered, “Gross.”
“Exactly.”
He left me to my washing. I’d finished over a dozen loads before the counters were finally clear. It was getting pretty late. The dining room always wound down to just boozers after midnight. Anyone could still order food until closing at two, but it was rare to see something other than chips and salsa head to a table that late.
My fingers were wrinkled little prunes by the time all the silverware was rinsed and dried. The glasses sparkled with plates stacked in neat piles. I began moving everything to the dish closet having already been in there twice checking for anything that was looking dusty and in need of washing. The dining area probably had more dishes I could retrieve to do at least another batch. But the washers were empty and I hated going out to face people who smelled like nothing but food to me.
I pulled the plug to drain and clean the sink then peered out the door to the main seating area. Gabe’s bartender Michael stood behind the bar mixing up drinks. Kelly, Seiran and Jamie waited tables. The place was still packed with the regular drinking crowd. One non-regular sat at the bar near Michael, Luca.
He glanced up as if I’d called him—though I suppose since I’d fed from him, technically I could call him if I wanted to—and our eyes met. I turned away letting the door close heavily. I peeled out of the kitchen, pausing only to grab my coat. Luca’s blood still ran through me, easing the need, but not enough. Maybe if I’d taken more. He had offered, but I would have had sex with him and I was pretty sure I’d kill him by accident.
Just thinking about it pissed me off. Maybe if he chained me down or something. Christ, just the thought of that made me hard. Fuck, was I twisted or what? How long would it take for him to fall into my bed and break my heart? What was he going to use me for? Was I just another toy to him like I’d been to so many other men?
I growled at my own self-pity. Stupid vampire bullshit. I was no Goddamned Louis. Self-hating prick that he’d been. I was a monster and that was okay. I’d done some pretty bad things before I’d been changed. Being undead couldn’t be all that different. Gabe told me I was depressed and if I wasn’t a vampire, they’d have me on medication for it. But since I couldn’t eat and my blood moved ridiculously slow, nothing could help me. I had to suck it up. HA, vampire humor, suck it up.
This whole vampire thing happened all the time. People were changed every day. Some made it. Some just threw themselves into the fire. Most lived somewhat normal lives. Gabe was a testament to that. Michael was more normal than Gabe. He didn’t have the wealth or power Gabe did, but he was smart, took care of his own and lived a good life. Most vampires seemed to be like that. I’d been exposed to the worst of them with Matthew and Andrew before I even realized I believed vampires existed. They’d taught me destruction and evil, but I’d come to the light. Crossed over to the side of good and joined Seiran and his band of do-gooders.
Yeah, right. Drafted. Kidnapped, maybe. And good was a relative term. Who made the rules of good and bad? Everyone thought they did good, or at least the lesser evil.
Most people would be happy they weren’t pushing up daisies. Mostly I wasn’t unhappy. More confused, unfocused, lost. When Matthew had been in my life, I’d had a goal—make Seiran’s life miserable because only then would Matthew be happy. But that had all been a lie. Then Andrew had stormed in, promising things he could never provide. Revenge he had no right to, like I even cared that Matthew had been torched. It had been a bit of a relief to be free of him for the few minutes before Andrew took control of me.
I glared into the distance at the dark evening in the city. I could go home. Play video games with Con. He was sure to be awake. He’d break me out of some of the funk. Remind me what it was like to be normal. At least for a few minutes. He’d maybe tell me a joke or a story about when he and Kelly were a thing and how much of a fuck-up they both were. We’d laugh because Kelly was sort of perfect now. Poster boy for the new movement of men accepted into the magic studies program. Pillar of water, best friend to Pillar of earth. A superstar. Maybe being Seiran’s friend made him that way.
I didn’t hold out much hope that it would work the same for me.
The bell from the basilica rang quietly, in the distance, marking the hour. I’d come from religious stock. My folks migrated from China to have more freedoms, including that to be Christian. Was all that over now that I was undead? It wasn’t something I had asked Gabe about, but I approached the church with a reckless abandon, only pausing briefly before stepping on the shoveled walk to text Constantine—if something happens, be safe…
The phone buzzed back almost instantly. I ignored it and followed the manicured snow drifts up to the salted stairs. Lightning didn’t strike when I took the first step, nor did I burst into flames when I opened the door.
Scattered lights made the church look cavernous. Statues of angels and saints lined the walls high up, and above them stained-glass windows reflected colorful panes of darkness, probably from the snow cover. I bet during the day the sun would bounce around creating rainbows to dance on the oak pews.
I touched one of the wood pews sliding my fingers along the smooth surface of the sanded seat. It was a good memory. Times when my family had piled into the back of the church to listen to mass and kneel in prayer for something better to come.
No one screamed or even glanced my way. The few people still awake at this hour knelt with heads bowed. Either no one noticed that a vampire had just walked in or no one cared. The lack of bursting into flames made me wonder if church was all bullshit, or if vampires being inherently evil was.
The confessions closet was open on the parishioner’s side. I sucked in a heavy breath and headed for the little room. Maybe talking to God and asking for forgiveness would lighten my mood a little. Maybe he could tell me what to do, whether I should keep Luca or try to find some other focus for my life. Anything had to be better than the drifting I was doing right now.
I closed the door behind me and marveled at how similar the room felt to a coffin. Was that intentional? To give people a taste of death and scare them into confessing? The door between the windows slid back.
“Forgive me, Father, I have sinned,” I said in familiar fashion.
“The Lord forgives those who seek His grace, son.”
“I’m not human, Father. Are the rules the same?”
“We are all imperfect in His sight, child. Yet His blood cleanses us of all wrongs. Seek Him and find peace in His forgiveness.”
Blood. Yeah, it was all about the blood. The way it tasted, smelled, and how badly I needed it. I should have taken more from Luca. Maybe he’d have stilled the hunger a little longer. Gabe said I could take from the average cibo two or three times a night. Anything had to be better than the constant bloodlust, right? Matthew had been driven crazy by it. Revenge for blood had stolen Andrew’s life from him. Those were the examples I’d begun with. Then there was Gabe who was strong, stoic, and compassionate. He could also be ruthless and cunning. Andrew had told me stories that I didn’t know if I could believe or not. Things that made Gabe sound like
a monster who killed anyone or anything that got in his way. He hid his darker side, wouldn’t even let his lover glimpse it, but I knew it was there. We all had it. No matter how much we fought it.
Yeah, it was all about the blood.
I could smell the priest’s blood and hear his pulsing heart. He was tired, old, but I could almost taste him from where I sat. “Forgive me, Father. I can’t do this yet,” I told him and got up from the bench, fleeing the confessional. Back out in the cold I stalked toward home though it was a several mile walk. I’d work through this just like I had everything else in the past. I wasn’t an animal out of control. Just a new vampire. I could rein it in. Or let it go. I wasn’t really sure which I preferred.
The quiet streets passed. I ignored it all. My gut told me sunrise was a few hours away and I should hurry home. A coffee shop beckoned with bright lights and smells of roasted beans early in the morning. I crossed the street and slid inside, enjoying the fact that the place was mostly empty. The barista smiled at me and took my order for a hot mochaccino. I couldn’t drink it but it would warm my hands and smell good.
I sat down at a corner booth and opened the lid so I could breathe in the sweetness. I tuned out the world and just focused on air in and air out, letting all the rest go for now. The smell had somewhat vanished and I might have dozed because I barely noticed someone drop into the seat across from me.
It wasn’t until he grabbed my cup and took a sip that I finally realized I wasn’t alone. I blinked away my spotty vision and stared at Luca. “You look like a vampire when you do that,” he pointed out.
“Is that a problem?”
He shrugged. “I guess if you don’t have people randomly targeting vampires around here for gang beatings and stakings it wouldn’t.”
My smile was automatically wicked—I’m sure with more than a little fang showing. “Let them try.”