We fell into an awkward silence, and I found myself opening my mouth and asking something I shouldn’t. “How’s Trent?” My eyes raised to briefly meet Trace’s before they fell to the paper in front of me once more.
“Honestly?” He asked. “I don’t know. He hasn’t talked to any of us since he went back to school. He’s ignoring our calls too. My mom was thinking about driving up to his school to check on him, but I talked her out of it. He just needs time,” he crunched on another chip. “He’ll come around.”
“No, he wont,” my voice was full of sadness. “Trust me,” I swiveled in the chair to force myself to look at Trace, “I accepted a long time ago that when Trenton found out the truth he’d hate me. I’ve had five years to prepare myself. You don’t need to try to make me feel better by spouting lies.”
“I wasn’t lying to you,” Trace set the chip bag aside, rubbing his salty fingers on his already dirty jeans. “He will come around, and he will forgive you, because he loves you. Right now, he’s hurt, and he can’t think straight.”
“He can’t possibly love me after what I did,” I whispered, pain clenching my insides. “What I did was horrible and I know he must hate me.”
Trace shook his head. “I’m sure he wishes he hated you, but he doesn’t.”
“How can you be so sure?” I questioned.
“Because, love does crazy things to you. I love Olivia more than I ever thought it was possible to love another person, and if she did something like this to me, I’d definitely be angry at first. Really angry. But I’d get over it, and I’d let her explain, and we’d move on from it. Love makes forgiveness easy.”
“Forgiveness is never easy,” I whispered, “especially when it isn’t deserved.”
Trace hopped down from the desk and patted my shoulder as he passed. “I’m sorry you think that way, but my little brother is going to prove you wrong. Definitely not today or tomorrow. One day, though.”
“What if one day doesn’t come soon enough?” I asked him.
“Then that’s Trent’s loss,” he shrugged, edging out the door. “Go home. It’s late.”
I nodded, closing the book and standing. I pushed the desk chair in and grabbed my purse. Trace flicked the office light off and closed the door. He locked it, and then we headed outside where he shut the garage doors and locked that as well.
As he started towards his car, he suddenly stopped and looked back at me. “Give him another week.”
“Then what?” I asked.
“Then you explain yourself, and hope for the best.”
In my life, I’d learned that the best never came, and I expected this to be no different.
chapter seventeen
I sat with my hands clenching the steering wheel.
I’d spent the last thirty minutes sitting in my car unable to back out of the driveway. It had been almost a month since Trent had left and I knew it was time for me to face my fears—to face him—and get everything off my chest.
I knew any chance of a relationship between us had been blown.
I also knew that I owed him an explanation.
I had asked Trace for Trent’s dorm information and where best to wait for him last week. Trace hadn’t pushed me to go after his brother, but he wanted me too. He was optimistic that Trent would get over this, and sweep me into his arms, but that was merely a dream.
“You can do this, Rowan,” I started giving myself a ridiculous, but much needed pep talk, “there is nothing to be afraid of. It’s just Trent. He hates you, but you have to explain yourself. He deserves an explanation.”
I let my head fall against the steering wheel.
“I’m an idiot,” I stated.
Staring down at the dark dashboard, since I hadn’t started the car, I counted. The counting calmed me and gave me something to focus on besides the thoughts in my head.
“You can do this,” I said, not caring if I looked like an idiot sitting in my car talking to myself.
I started the car, turning up the radio and blasting it as I made the two-hour drive to Trent’s campus.
My fingers tapped restlessly against the steering wheel. I was scared to face him now that the truth was out there between us, but I had to. I was definitely scared that he’d refuse to talk to me, or even look at me. I had to try though—even if it crushed me.
I pulled up to the campus and parked my car.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
I took a deep breath and forced myself to open the car door and step out into the frigid winter air. I reached back inside for my mittens, hat, and the book I’d brought with me to give him. I slipped my hands into the warm mittens as I strode across campus, muttering Trace’s directions under my breath. I’m sure to passersby I looked like a crazy person. Maybe I was.
I found a bench outside the dorm that Trace said was Trent’s. Trace had written down his schedule and given it to me, so I knew that Trent should be coming out of the dorm any minute.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
I prepared myself to see him. I wasn’t sure I was ready. But this had to be done.
I sat down on the bench, my eyes refusing to wander from the dorm door. I couldn’t miss him.
“Hey.”
I jumped, startled by the voice. I looked up to see a guy standing in front of me. He had shaggy blonde hair and he was tall with wide shoulders. He looked like a football player or something. He was good looking, sure, but there was only one guy for me.
“Hi,” I replied, knowing I had to answer him.
“I’m Ben,” he introduced himself.
“Mhmm,” I muttered, peering around him at the dorm.
“Are you not going to give me your name?” He questioned.
“No.”
He chuckled. “So, you want me to work for it?”
“No, I want you to move,” I snapped, looking up at him.
“Are you looking for someone?” He turned to look behind him.
“Yes,” I said, my tone cutting.
“Mind if I keep you company?” He asked, smiling cockily. He clearly thought that if I spent a few minutes with him I’d completely forget the person I was currently searching for.
I glared at him as he sat down beside me, not waiting for me to respond to his question.
God, the guy couldn’t take a hint.
Luckily, at that moment, I saw Trent start out the dorm doors…but he wasn’t alone. There was a girl with him. She was beautiful, with raven colored hair, olive skin, and dark eyes. She was the complete opposite of me.
He was smiling down at her as she spoke, obviously engrossed in whatever she was telling him.
Tears stung my eyes.
He had moved on.
I knew I should’ve expected it, but when I knew that there would never be anyone for me but Trent, it hurt to see that he’d been able to move on in a month.
“I have to go,” I muttered to Ben.
I started to jog away, but I didn’t make it far.
“Hey! Pretty girl!” Ben called.
I halted my steps. “What?!” I screamed, loud enough that I drew attention to myself. “Can’t you leave me the fuck alone?! I’m not interested!”
“You left this,” he replied with a chuckle, not the least bit annoyed by my outburst. He jogged up to me with the book tucked under his arm.
I took it from him and muttered, “Thanks.”
Bowing my head, I turned to leave and ran smack into someone’s chest.
“Ow,” I reached up to rub my forehead where it had clunked against the person’s chin.
“Rowan, what the hell are you doing here?” Trent growled, grabbing my elbow as I stumbled.
Ice slithered down my spine.
“Nothing,” I wrenched my arm from his grasp. “I was just leaving. Get back to your new girlfriend,” I spat, my tone full of venom I couldn’t contain.
“Rowan!” He called as I ran away.
; Steps thudded behind me, and then I was forcibly turned around.
“Don’t run away from me,” he glared down at me. “You must have come here for a reason, so spit it out.”
“Let me go!” I wrenched my arm out of his grasp. My chest heaved with angry breaths and tears stung my eyes. I was embarrassed and angry with myself for even coming here. What had I been thinking? I wasn’t ready to have this confrontation, and clearly he wasn’t ready to see me either.
He raised his hands in surrender. “You’re the one that showed up at my campus,” he seethed, his eyes so full of hate that it made me feel like I was going to be sick. “I think I have a right to know why you’re here. Let’s get this over with,” he crossed his arms over his chest, his foot tapping impatiently against the ground.
“Not here,” I whispered as the need to fight left me, my eyes bashfully darted to the sidewalk concrete beneath my feet. I knew we’d drawn quite a crowd, and there was no way I was having this conversation here.
“Fine,” he growled.
He grabbed my arm once more and dragged me behind him to his dorm. He pulled out a keycard and swiped it. Forcing open the door, he all but shoved me inside. The muscle in his jaw ticked, reminding me once again that he wasn’t happy to see me. I’d expected that, but it still stung worse than a slap from my mother.
“Follow me,” he stormed up a set of steps, his heavy boots slapping against the tiled floor.
I’d come this far, so there was no turning back. I reluctantly followed behind him as I counted in my head.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
He stopped in front of a door and waited for me.
He opened the door and waved me inside first. I think he thought I still might try to leave.
“Sit,” he pointed at the bed covered in a navy bedspread. I assumed it was his side of the dorm, as the other was covered in dirty clothes and other junk. Trent wasn’t that messy.
I perched on the end of the bed, taking a deep breath.
He pulled out the chair from his desk and sat in it backwards. “Talk.”
Apparently he was so angry that he could only speak to me in short curt sentences.
“I don’t know where to begin,” I whispered, forcing myself to look at him.
“I don’t know,” he scrubbed a hand over his face, “how about at the beginning.” I noticed that his eyes were tired, like he hadn’t been getting much sleep. His cheeks were scruffier and his hair had gotten longer, curling at the ends.
“Well,” I bit my lip, “I-I got pregnant.”
“Yeah, I figured out that part,” he rolled his eyes, tapping his fingers nervously along the top of the chair.
“Who-who was she?” I forced the words out of my mouth. I needed to know who the girl was that he had been with before I continued. “Is she your girlfriend?”
“Huh?” His brows furrowed together. “Who? Oh—” His face lit with recognition. “That was Kelsey,” his tone was soft, not harsh like it had been. “She lives down the hall. We’re friends. That’s all.”
My eyes closed as relief flooded my body. It had been tearing my insides apart to think he’d moved on so quickly.
“I shouldn’t have asked,” I whispered, my eyes reluctantly meeting his, “but I needed to know.”
“Rowan,” he said my name slowly, “I might be angry at you right now, but I’m not that kind of guy.”
I nodded. “So…I guess I better…uh…explain.”
“That is why you came here, isn’t it?” He questioned, sarcasm lacing his tone. I wanted the sweet Trent back from the moment before.
“Well,” I rubbed my sweaty palms over the fabric of my jeans, “I-I found out I was pregnant,” I swallowed thickly. “I’d already pushed you away before that. It scared the crap out of me when you told me that you loved me,” I admitted. “I knew you meant what you said, but I didn’t believe in love. My mom, who should love me, only hurt me. I thought if you loved me you’d only hurt me in the end too. I was scared and I wanted to avoid that.” I took a deep breath, gazing at the ceiling for a moment as I gathered my thoughts. There was a water stain there and I stared at it as I counted. “When I found out I was pregnant…I’ve never been so frightened in my entire life. I was just a kid myself, Trent, and so were you!” I exclaimed furiously. “I was already raising my little sister. I didn’t see how I could take care of a baby too.” Wetness coated my cheeks. I had never told anyone this, and it was liberating to finally tell the truth. “I had been so mean to you, after what we did and I thought you had to hate me by that point. Besides, you were a sixteen year old guy, why the hell would you want a baby?” I laughed, but there was no humor in the sound. “I felt so alone. So alone,” my voice cracked. “My relationship with my mom was already pretty much non-existent, but some part of me believed she could make it all better. Boy, was I wrong.”
Trent’s eyes never wavered from my face as I purged myself of my sins.
“She wanted me to get an abortion,” I admitted, looking at the tiled floor. “I couldn’t do that, Trent. I couldn’t kill our baby.” Tears stung my eyes but I dammed them back. Tears were a sign of weakness, and the last thing I needed was to be vulnerable in front of him. “So, she suggested that she adopt the baby. I thought that was the best option.”
I took a moment to catch my breath, counting to ten in my head before I continued.
“I was so, so wrong,” I shook my head, wringing my fingers together. “Tristan doesn’t know I’m his mom.”
Mom.
I was his mom.
I hadn’t ever allowed myself to refer to myself as his mom before, but I was.
“The contract I signed for the adoption,” I paused, momentarily overcome by sadness, “he can’t know anything until he’s eighteen. Once I signed that, I knew there was no way I could tell you.”
“Why not?” He growled. “I would’ve fought for him! I would’ve gotten our son back!” He yelled, his chest heaving. “I wouldn’t have let him suffer with that wretched woman! I may not know your mother, but I know enough to understand that she is the last person that should have custody of our child!”
“I know that, now,” I whispered. “I regret it so much.” I couldn’t contain my sob. “Every day for the last five years, I’ve had to live with what I’ve done. It’s killed me to live with this. You don’t know what it’s been like!” My whole body shook with the force of my emotions.
“Of course I don’t,” he tore angrily at his hair, “because I didn’t fucking know!”
“I can’t take back what I did, Trent,” I whispered, unable to look at him. “What’s done is done, and I have to suffer for my decision for the rest of my life.”
“How did you hide it?” He asked.
“Huh?” I was confused of his meaning.
“We went to school together. I saw you five days a week and I never knew you were pregnant. I didn’t even suspect it. How did you hide it?” He repeated his question, looking straight at me, daring me to look away.
“I-I always wore baggy shirts, and I didn’t get that big. So, it was easy to hide,” I stammered, my hands wringing together with nervousness.
“When you were out with mono for like two months, that’s when you had him isn’t it?”
I nodded, chewing on my bottom lip.
“Did anyone else, except your mom, know you were pregnant? ” He continued to fire questions at me. I had expected this, but they were still hard to answer.
“Just my mom and Jim, my step-dad,” I shrugged. “And Ivy, my sister, was too little to remember.”
“Were you ever going to tell me?” He asked, rubbing his face, and his voice suddenly sounded exhausted.
“Of course,” I gasped, offended that he thought I’d take this secret to the grave. “I had to wait until Tristan turned eighteen, but I was going to tell you. Please, never doubt that, Trenton.”
“I just…I don’t know what to think of you,” he scrubbed a hand
tiredly over his face. “I can’t believe you didn’t trust me enough to tell me when you found out. I told you that I loved you! I would’ve loved our son too! Fuck,” he groaned, burying his face in his hands, “I already love him and I don’t even know him. I’ve only seen him once,” his voice grew soft, his eyes far away. “I-I want to see him again,” his gaze met mine with a steely determination.
“No,” I shook my head. “No, I’m sorry, but I can’t let you see him.”
His face reddened. “He’s my son, I deserve to see him!” He exploded with anger and I was surprised he didn’t jump up from the chair and storm across the small space towards me.
“He can’t know. Oh God, he can’t know,” I repeated, my fight or flight senses kicking in, meaning I was about ten seconds away from running out the door.
“Jesus Christ, Rowan!” He exclaimed, making me jump. “I’m not asking you to tell him that I’m his dad! I just want to see him! I want to talk to him, please,” his tone softened as he begged. “When I saw him…everything was such a shock that I don’t even really remember what he looks like.”
“I don’t know,” I whispered, my hands shaking. “My mom—”
“You can let me know when your mom’s gone and I can come over then,” he interrupted me. “I know you’re…” he trailed off. “Anyway, she doesn’t have to be around.”
“She never leaves,” I mumbled, picking at my fingernail so I didn’t have to look at him. I’d looked at him all I could stand. It hurt too much seeing him. I’d suffered enough pain, I didn’t need to add to it.
“Then meet me somewhere with him. Please,” he begged, his eyes pleading with me to give in.
“I don’t know if I can,” I bit my lip. “Tristan might say something, and if it gets back to my mom…” Bad things would happen. Things Trent couldn’t, and wouldn’t, protect me from.
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