by C A A Allen
Biff pets Fluffy on the back of her head and then under the chin. “This one is very cute.”
“Meow.” The cat’s eyes briefly flash red as it licks Biff’s finger.
“She likes me.” He grins. “Oh—wait.” His finger turns white at the tip and then paleness creeps up his arm. A stiff crackling sounds echoes in the chamber. Biff stands and grabs his shoulder. “A stoning!” he cries. “Cut it off, quick.”
Bella pops up. “Riff!”
Without a thought, I draw my sword and bring it down on Biff’s upper arm. The blade clanks in rebound, hitting the stone with an ineffective spark.
I’m too late. In the blink of an eye, Biff turns into a white stone statue.
A PARTY MEMBER HAS BEEN STONED!
NAME: Biff Thunderpunch… STONED
The Biff stature stares at us all in horror, unblinking. I stare back, trying to process what just happened. Then I look away, trying and failing to remind myself that he’s only an NPC. Not real. Not alive. Yeah…just an NPC.
I’m not very successful.
Slim bites his bottom lip and angles his cane toward the cat pit. “Which one did it?”
I hold my sword out and step to the edge. “It was a fluffy white one.” I look into the flowing mix of colors and tails, but I’ve lost track of the culprit. “It’s deep in that mess now.”
Slim lowers his head, wipes a hand across his forehead, and looks sadly at our new Biff statue. “Biff always had bad luck with pussy.”
“The worst luck.” I rest my hand on the statue’s shoulder. “So much for that ‘Cats are harmless’ comment, Hans.”
Hans shakes his head. “I was being sarcastic, Riff. Everyone knows all cats want to kill humans. There was a study.”
Slim strokes Skookum. “I can tell you for sure that study was wrong. My connection with Skook makes me familiar with all types of felines. Cats are just fine with humans.”
“Sure, Slim.” Hans walks to the edge of the cat pit. “Just be sure to keep your little neurotic mongrel away from me.” He steps down into the room and slowly walks into the furry sea. “Thanks to Biff, we now know these are Sumxu cats. Don’t piss them off or let them lick your bare skin.”
A MONSTER HAS BEEN IDENTIFIED: The monster ‘Sumxu Cat’ has been revealed to you by Hans Talhoffer.
This monster is now known to you and your party.
SUMXU CAT
LEVEL: 1 (15XP)
HIT POINTS: 2
ARMOR CLASS: 10
FREQUENCY: Rare
NO. APPEARING: 1 – 100+
DAMAGE: 1-2
SPECIAL ATTACKS: Claws, Lick
SPECIAL DEFENSES: Acute smell, Climb, Hide, Move silently
INTELLIGENCE: Animal
ALIGNMENT: Neutral
SIZE: S
TYPICAL WEAPONING:
DESCRIPTION: A Sumxu Cat appears very much as does a common housecat.
I step towards Hans and point a finger. “You knew about this monster and didn’t tell us?” I’m about to player kill this guy for real.
“I thought they were regular cats up until the lick.” Hans crosses the room to the door on the other side, opens it, and waves us on. “Time management people. Come over.”
“I bet he knew,” Bella glairs across the room. “I told you about him.”
Slim stands beside Biff’s statue, presses his hands together in prayer position, and bows. “There are ways to turn stone back to flesh, Riff.” He rests a hand on the statue’s shoulder. “There are ways.”
The squashed face, fat belly cat reappears, gags, hacks, and retches uncomfortably.
I take a step towards the ugly feline. “What’s going on with the Cheshire Cat?”
Slim quickly snaps his hand away from Biff’s shoulder. “Oh, no.” He shields his eyes with a forearm. “Stand back.”
The fat belly cat coughs, heaves, and shoots a tube-shaped, wet and hairy clump from its mouth towards Biff’s statue. Upon impact, the statue rumbles and then bursts into small chunks and white powder.
Slim steps away from the debris and shakes his head. “There’s no coming back from that.” He pounds a fist onto the wall. “Damn.”
A PARTY MEMBER HAS BEEN KILLED!
NAME: Biff Thunderpunch… DEAD
I shake the message away as quickly as I can. It always bothers me when I lose party members in the game. And this real-life version is even worse. My stomach churns. “I’m sorry, Slim.”
“Hey.” Hans waves his arms in a frantic crisscross pattern. “Come on. No time to dally.”
“Let’s go, guys.” Bella glances at Biff sadly. “We have to keep moving.”
I crack my knuckles and take a cautious step into the pit. “Single file line. Follow me, slowly.”
Bella, Slim, and I all make it to the door across the room and look back. Salo has stalled in the middle amongst a dense group of circling cats.
“Just take it slow, Salo.” I say. “Don’t move forward until they disperse.”
He turns around, takes a step sideways, and stumbles. “Aaa-aaa-aaa.” He sniffs and wipes a hand across his nose. “So many tails. This is ridiculous.” Cats gravitate toward him, rubbing against his legs and purring a deadly song. He looks frantically around the floor in different directions, then rubs his eyes with his fists. “Aaa-aaa-aaa.”
Bella grits her teeth. “Is he going to be okay?”
“I guess Salo is more of a dog guy.” I watch him spin in a circle and teeter from side to side. “Be patient, Salo. Wait until that pack around you thins out.”
R-e-e-e-r! A cat launches in the air and falls back down into the swirling feline sea.
“Oops, I stepped on a tail.” Salo takes two steps forward and stops. His face turns red. “Aaa-aaa-choo.” He tips his head back, pinches his nose, and looks around squinting. “I can’t take this anymore. Get out of my way you—” He kicks a small calico with maximum force. It flies through the air, splats into the wall, and smears down leaving a streak of blood.
All the cats in the room freeze, their eyes simultaneously flashing red.
“Run Salo, run!” I yell.
One after another the cats jump on Salo, scratching, clawing, and licking at his face.
He steps forward, trips, and falls to the floor with a gurgling sound.
Bella and I step into the room but are met by a line of the room’s biggest members. They hiss at us with arched backs and red eyes.
Hans yanks us both back by our shoulders. “Let the NPC die. He’s not worth it.”
I pull away and draw my sword. “We can save him.”
“Too late.” Bella turns from the room.
A black cat with silver glowing eyes stares at us from atop Salo’s white prone statue.
A PARTY MEMBER HAS BEEN STONED!
NAME: Salo Fatback… STONED
“Pfft.” Hans glances at the statue and turns around. “Now that’s just cat-astrophic.”
A cacophony of heaving sounds fills the room.
Slim pulls a small metal flask from his belt and dips it towards Salo’s statue. “To a certified, stand-up fighter.” He takes a swig.
Unsightly clumps of hair surrounded by bile and stomach fluids pelt Salo’s statue from all around the room. A few seconds later the statue bursts, sending the black cat halfway to the ceiling before dropping down into a cloud of white powder and scattering tails.
A PARTY MEMBER HAS BEEN KILLED!
NAME: Salo Fatback… DEAD
I try to look through the dusty fog of the cat room. “Damn.” My stomach churns worse than before. He’s only an NPC, I once again try to remind myself. Not real. Not alive. Man…this sucks.
“Oh.” Bella runs a hand across her forehead and blows out a breath. “Look, we have less than an hour before the servers are terminated.” She flicks her thumb and a flame appears atop it. “We’ve got to stay composed.”
Bella’s right, I need to keep it together. “Okay, team.” I relight the lantern with her fire, take a deep
breath, and wave what remains of my party into a huddle. “I need everyone to remember everything you have ever learned about this dungeon. We need at least four party members alive to awaken the goblin, which means we can’t lose anyone else. We also need at least one party member to be at level five, and that would be me. So, we can’t lose me. This cat room was not in the game. I am sure there are going to be more surprises to deal with in this final stretch. So, keep your mind at its highest level of awareness.”
Skookum squeals and points her nose back to the cats.
Slim kneels down and lays a hand flat on the ground. “The floor is rumbling. Something’s coming our way. I am going to say a squad of six to twelve.”
“Six to twelve what?” Bella asks.
“I couldn’t tell you.” Slim removes his hand from the floor. “They are making good time, though. Maybe Setan’s Evon guard.”
I turn my attention to the dark stone-lined tunnel ahead. “Let’s go in.” I draw my sword. “Awareness. Be ready.”
After a few steps down the hall, I feel a crunch under my boot, and lift my foot to see a half-smashed bone. Piles of bones line the sidewalls. I look at Bella and Hans. “The scattered bone corridor. We are close now.”
The four of us kick aside bones for the next ten minutes, then make it to a flight of stairs. This one leads down into a hazy damp corridor. I wave away the mist, step down, and watch my boot sink into an inch of thick sludge. This stuff looked green on my computer screen in the dorm. Here, in real life, it’s an ugly brownish red.
Bella steps down into the sludge behind me. “Yuck. Playing this area of the game at home gives no justice to the smell. It’s awful.”
Slim puts the tip of his shoe in and yanks it out. “This is going to be murder on my dragon skins.”
Hans pushes Slim aside, steps into the mess, slips, and saves himself by dropping a hand down into the sludge. “Scheiße.”
I look back and smile. “It’s slippery in here.”
Hans stands, coughs, gags, and flicks the muck off his hand onto the sidewall. “Smells like someone dumped a bucket of cat piss into a porta-potty.”
“Look.” I point to a slight green glow flickering far ahead of us. “That’s gotta be Setan’s door.” I take a few steps forward and turn to the party. “Final stretch.” I pinch my nose. “Grin and bear it.”
It takes ten more precious minutes to trudge through the mess. We finally take a few steps up out of the goop. I scrape my boots mostly clean on a stair edge and focus down the hall. “Just a short distance to the glow.”
As we continue, the doorway grows brighter and the mist dissipates. Soon, we step through an open archway into a stone-walled room containing nothing but a large glowing green door.
“This is it.” I set down the lantern and inspect the door in front of me. Just like in the game, it is heavy oak with iron bands and has a small square peek-hatch in its upper middle surrounded by the four signature ring knockers. “Setan’s door.”
Bella lights all four of the room’s wall torches and stands next to me. “We’re here.”
Bella, Hans, and my Grimoire all simultaneously vibrate.
WELCOME TO THE MONSTER ALLOCATION CHAMBER
Now, there is a familiar message.
“Finally.” Bella sighs, approaching the door and laying her hands on the iron bands. “That’s the message I’ve been waiting for. Let’s get to it.”
I step to the door and lay my hand on one of its ice-cold iron bands. “Wow.” I can’t believe I’m touching the goblin’s door.
Suddenly, I’m focused and right back to my dorm room routine. It’s time to take inventory before the final battle. We have only four party members left, and we’re far from being maxed out on hit points and armor class. Bella has some magic for the smoke, but not much else. Hans has a plethora of spells at his disposal, including what he says is a level-four ringer. Slim, hopefully, can hit for some damage and has Skook to boot. So, this is far from a no-damage run, and a lot less than I am used to having before taking on Setan. I do have something I have never had before though—the Keris.
I drop my pack and kick off my regular boots, trying not to think of Biff as I take his off. “Time for some real kicks.” I step into the Bombardment Boots and run in place.
EQUIP CHARACTER Jareth: Bombardment Boots + (1) Charge.
“Soft and comfy, just like my slippers at home.” I place my hand on the square peek-hatch and look back at the party. “It’s about to get real.”
“Stop fangirling, Riff.” Hans points to the door and flicks up his hand. “We have less than an hour.”
“Right.” Hawkwinds cadence. Here we go. I pound on the door with a fist. Three quick, three slow, and one loud pound. The green glow force shield fades from the door but rises behind us, blocking any retreat.
Slim holds a hand to the rear force shield. “At least we’re protected from the oncoming mob.”
“Way to be an optimist,” I mutter.
TASK COMPLETE: Take down The Monster Allocation Chamber force shield.
For completing the task you earned 200 experience points!
NEW TASK: Kill the Greater Hobgoblin Warlord Setan Kober.
My Grimoire vibrates wildly. I drop a hand over it to keep it in its sheath. “Whoa, calm down already.” Is this some sort of extra info? Having never entered this chamber with a Grimoire before, I have to hope it’s a bonus of living out the game. But when I look at Bella to see if her Grimoire is doing the same, she just shrugs. Neither hers nor Hans’s Grimoire are reacting.
Maybe it’s a captain thing.
I pull my Grimoire from its sheath and flip it open.
INCOMING VIDEO CHAT FROM:
MACK JENKINS
TOUCH HERE TO ANSWER
●
“What the—?” I touch the dot and come face-to-face with Mack on my screen. He is sitting in the server room back in The DCQ Players Den. “Mack, how—”
“I’m contacting you through a Grimoire I got from some kid in the bar.” He wipes sweat from his brow and peers intently into the screen. “You have a party of toad-fish men and weird humanoids storming in your direction. On top of that, the servers are about to be shut down and leave you dead. With Anton’s help, I opened a developer debug menu that includes a sequence to open a couple of portals in the room you’re in right now. One will get you all back home.”
“Wait!” Anton appears from behind Mack’s shoulder and pushes his way into view. “Riff, you still have time to kill Setan. You can still save the—”
“I’m initiating the cheat.” The clatter of Mack’s fingers on the keyboard echoes like gunfire in our chamber. “You gotta get out of there, now. Two portals will open, one on either side of the corridor. Jump into the one that shows The DCQ Den.” He punches a finger down on the DCQ server keyboard in front of him. “Get through as soon as you can. I don’t know how long the portal will hold.”
“Wait!” Anton’s face fills my screen. “These same portals already exist inside of Setan’s chamber. You can get in there, kill the beast, save the game, and still make it home.” He moves his head in even closer and looks from side to side. “Where’s Bella? Talk to her. She knows. Save the game.”
I’m having trouble keeping up. I was so focused on the upcoming battle, it is surreal to be ripped out of the mindset of the game and back into reality. A portal. We could get out of this thing alive.
Mack comes back into view. “Riff, you know that beast is an unbeatable glitch. Get out of there before the game is shut down and you die. Initiating portal cheat now.”
Two ocean blue swirls appear on parallel walls. The first one reveals The Stag and Hen Tavern back in Chittor. Hans’s brunette lady friend is sitting at a table between two hooded men with her head down.
Hans holds a hand up to the Chittor portal and looks in. “Karalina.”
The second portal swirls open on the adjacent wall. Inside Mack and Anton are staring at a flat panel screen in the DCQ Den.
“I should have known never to trust a Compass-Keeper,” Slim growls. “We had a deal. You can’t just portal out of here. The fight with Setan has to happen. I have a family member in that chamber.”
It’s a tough call. Slim and I do have a deal. But he didn’t give a lick about us until someone he cared about was at stake. And he’s an NPC. And I don’t want to die. There’s really no choice. No game is worth a person’s—a real person’s—life. I take Bella’s hand and step to The DCQ Den portal.
She rips her hand from mine. “You have the Keris, Riff. We can do this.” Her eyes blaze with a fierce fire. “Anton is right. A portal leading back The DCQ Den exists inside the chamber, just like I told you before we started this quest. We can save the game.”
CHAPTER 18
00:43:41 hours until DCQ server shut down.
Does Bella want to die? Or could she possibly—just possibly—love this game as much as I do? We stand at a stalemate in front of the portals, frozen in silence. She’s waiting for me to decide.
“You know, they love me here.” Hans pushes past Bella and I and steps one foot inside the Stag and Hen Tavern portal.
“Wait!” I reach for him. “Why would you stay in the game? You’ll die if we don’t defeat the goblin.”
Hans looks down at his legs, then back up at us. “At home, I’m paralyzed from the waist down. There’s no way I’m going back to that, and there’s no way in hell I’m fighting that unbeatable glitch goblin. This game is the reality I want. Here, I am a man. No, I’m the man. I’m living my life in the cloud.”
“But we need you—”
He steps through the portal and disappears.
I reach to grab him, but the Chittor portal swirls closed behind him.
The green force shield lifts from behind us and envelops the goblin’s door once more. We need four party members to keep that shield neutralized, and we’re down to three.