by Kirsty Eagar
Finally, Mitch got it together, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hand. ‘God, it’s good to laugh. I haven’t laughed like that for ages.’
‘You’re an idiot,’ Jess said, with some affection.
‘I’m a guy,’ Mitch said, with some affection right back.
Then he gave her an open, easy smile, one she’d never seen before. As though, despite the fact that she was naked and he was lying between her legs, and she was from Unity and he was from Knights, and she was a modern-day riot grrrl, and he was a modern-day sexist pig, they were friends. Then his smile faded, his blue eyes narrowed, and Jess’s breath caught in her throat. It was quite a thing to be looked at like that.
CHAPTER 27
HOW TO FLY
Afterwards, they faced each other on the bed, head to toe, Mitch at the base, propped up by cushions, hugging Jess’s feet to his chest. It was dark outside, the light from the candles making it feel like they were in their own little world. Mitch raised his eyebrows questioningly. Jess made a so-so face. He dropped his eyebrows into a frown. She swooned. He nodded, eyes knowing, and he winked at her. He had a very sexy wink.
‘The suck,’ Jess told him with an air of revelation. ‘The suck is the best bit. I never knew that. It can’t be too hard, though, you know? You were gentle.’ Jess took a big breath, released it. ‘Thank you. So much.’
‘And thank you. How’s the headache?’
‘It’s okay. I’ll take more Panadol in a while.’ Jess blinked. ‘Oh, did you want to go?’
‘No. I told you, I’m on sleep duty.’
‘Say if you do. The others will be back soon anyway.’
He squeezed her feet. ‘Stop trying to kick me out. Just set your alarm for three in the morning and I’ll sneak out then. They think you’re at your aunt’s. The door’s locked.’
Jess turned away to set the alarm on her phone, allowing herself a quick, secret smile. She settled back against her pillows. They studied each other.
‘You’re a long way away,’ Mitch said.
‘So are you.’
He lifted his chin at her. ‘Come here.’
She made a scoffing noise. ‘You come here.’
‘Someone has to give in.’
‘It won’t be me,’ Jess assured him.
But wait … Mitch was shifting. He dived between her and the wall.
‘Oh, my God! Did that just happen?’ Jess laughed, turning over to see him, wincing because she’d rolled onto the injured side of her head. She just caught sight of his red face before he turned her back the other way so he could spoon her. ‘And you’re embarrassed! I didn’t think that could happen either.’
‘Don’t make a big deal out of it,’ he growled, squeezing her tightly.
‘Are you kidding? It’s like the total breakdown of civilisation. Next you’ll be asking for my number.’ When Jess felt Mitch breathe in, she pinched his arm. ‘I’m joking!’
He kissed her shoulder. ‘I know.’
Then again, she sort of hadn’t been, but she let it slide. He started to push against her in a slow, lazy way that wasn’t sexual so much as sensual, rubbing because it felt good, and Jess felt his growing erection through his shorts.
‘Mitch?’ she said softly. ‘Can I do anything for you?’
‘I believe you already have.’
‘In a different way this time. Like what you did for me.’
Mitch stopped moving. ‘No, it’s okay,’ he said, after a moment. ‘You’re supposed to take it easy.’
‘But I want to,’ Jess said, and she meant it. Right then she trusted him completely; she couldn’t have offered otherwise. Society viewed sex as the big deal, but as far as she was concerned, girls giving oral was where attitudes got really tricky.
‘Yeah?’ he asked, sounding hopeful.
Jess’s mind went further, and as soon as she thought it, she knew it. ‘Actually, I want to have sex with you.’
‘I thought you said you’d never sleep with me.’
‘I’ve changed my mind.’
She heard him swallow. Nervous, she thought, smiling. Then a banging noise made them both jump. It was followed by loud, discordant voices. Allie’s music was cut off abruptly, replaced by Sticky Fingers, played at volume next door, which meant two things: Leanne was in residence, and she was ready to entertain. On cue, what seemed like a herd of animals arrived.
‘I’m frightened,’ Mitch whispered, making Jess giggle.
They listened to the snippets of conversation that reached them over the music. It was fair to say the mood had been broken.
‘I didn’t know girls used the C-word so freely.’
‘Leanne does. She thinks we should reclaim it; possession being nine-tenths of the law.’ Jess rolled over to face him, propped on her elbow. ‘She’s the one who’s got Julian’s jersey. The redhead who did that fresher over. That’s her room.’
‘She lives next door? Jesus. Isn’t she some sort of sociopath?’
‘Hey, I can say it,’ Jess warned.
‘The Sneetches! Let’s do the Sneetches!’
‘Dr Seuss. Tongue twisters,’ Jess explained. ‘Giggle games.’
‘Like drinking games?’
‘Sort of.’
‘Mine needs a new hose.’
‘They’ve got money in Unity’s budget for new garden hoses every year. Because by the time everybody takes a couple of cuts that’s, like, sixty metres gone,’ Jess said.
‘Use mine. Glass is less toxic.’
The window next door closed abruptly, muting the noise.
‘Do you do much of that?’ Mitch asked
Jess shook her head. ‘Hardly ever. Too much of a control freak.’
‘I just get paranoid or sick. Rather be drunk.’ Mitch gave her a look. ‘But better that than smoking cigarettes.’
‘Don’t nag. You sound like Farren.’
‘Who? Oh, the sweep.’
Jess’s face clouded. ‘I thought she was the chick with the nose ring.’
‘You know what I meant.’
Jess prodded him in the chest with a finger. ‘Well, what I mean is, she’s my best friend, she’s Unity’s president, she’s doing arts/law, she’s a latecomer to basketball—where her effort definitely outstrips her ability, and I love that about her—and nothing else is relevant.’
Mitch just nodded, not reacting, but also not responding.
Jess stared at him reproachfully. ‘Would you have done something like that? Have you?’
‘No.’
‘That Dud guy would.’ Jess stewed some more. ‘Would Julian have?’ She knew by Mitch’s face that she’d finally gotten to him, and she couldn’t understand why she’d needed to push on that. To punish him?
‘Possibly.’ He rolled onto his back, no part of his body touching hers now, his hands resting on his chest. ‘But I’m not claiming to be better than them. That’s what you’re really asking, isn’t it?’
‘I don’t know,’ Jess said in a small voice. But she was lying, backing off in the hope that he wouldn’t block her completely. Because she wanted to know everything about him, pull him apart with questions. And she realised in that moment that if anything, absurdly, she felt jealous of Julian. Sylvie, too. Because they’d known Mitch better than it seemed she was ever going to be allowed to. And Mitch had let them down. He must have. Why else would Sylvie hate him so much? If Jess knew how, maybe she could protect herself. Not care so much.
‘I think I just want to know what Julian was like, that’s all,’ she said carefully, trying to find a way in.
‘All right, let’s talk about Julian.’ Mitch’s voice was grim. ‘You would have hated his attitude towards women. He had Sylvie, but he still did whatever he wanted. I never had a girlfriend, so I used to think I was more honest. But who knows? You might have preferred him. He would have kissed you for a start, but only if he thought he’d get a fuck out of it.’ The way Mitch said it was so ugly. Jess flinched, feeling like she’d just been offered to his d
ead friend. There was a sudden round of crazed laughter next door.
‘He was a funny cunt, but he only liked cutting people down. And competitive—always with the alpha shit, had to be pressing your buttons. Now he’s not around, I sometimes wonder if I even liked him. We were just used to being around each other. Primary school, high school, same college, playing together.’ Mitch rubbed at his forehead and then stared at his palm. ‘Maybe we were each other.’ He fell quiet, and Jess waited, tense and not sure why. When he spoke again, his voice was hoarse. ‘But if someone ever gave me a hard time during a game, or in a club or something, Julian would be like a sheep dog coming over the top of everybody else to back me up. And when we played together, he gave it everything, every time.’ Mitch’s voice cracked on his next words: ‘I didn’t like him, but I did love him. I just didn’t know it then.’ He cleared his throat. ‘Hey, look at me. I’m alive.’
Jess threw herself on top of him, hugging him as tightly as she could. ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’ A mantra, vibrating from the back of her throat. And at first Mitch resisted, but then he hugged her.
‘It’s all right.’ His hold eased, and he sounded like he’d given up on something when he said, ‘You know the worst thing, Jess? Sometimes I think all I miss is how I felt back then. Before all the cracks.’ Jess raised herself so she could see his face, and when his eyes met hers, he frowned. ‘That’s how you got in, by the way. Through the cracks.’
‘So I’m vermin?’ Jess forced herself to smile, but it physically hurt.
Mitch’s face softened. ‘No! God, no.’ He touched her cheek. ‘You’re great, Jess. More than great. The best fun I’ve ever had with a chick. I’m just saying I mightn’t always be cracked, that’s all. And you’re pretty special, so I don’t want …’
When Jess nodded again, Mitch looked relieved. She remembered then that he liked being honest.
They were silent for a while, then she said, ‘Hey, if you wanted to sneak out now, you probably could, you know. They’re out of their heads, and nobody uses the back stairs much, the ones near the back car park. Now’s the time.’
A different sort of relief. ‘You sure?’
Exactly the same smile. ‘I’m fine.’
‘What about your head?’
‘It’ll survive.’
He kissed her on the forehead when he left. Like an uncle. As far as exits went, it sucked.
CHAPTER 28
BURNING
When Mitch had gone, Jess re-tied her window so it was horizontal, and a witchy little wind blew into the room, making the candles above the desk flicker. The breeze had crossed the river, and brought with it a shivery premonition of change. As far as Jess was concerned, Queensland only had two seasons. That wind signalled the end of summer.
The music next door had switched to The War on Drugs and she wondered if that was irony. But then it shut off and she heard the whole lot of them troop out of the room. Finding the emergency cigarette she kept in the cup of pens on her desk, she lit up, smoking rapidly out the window—inhale-exhale-inhale-exhale—inducing a head rush. She killed the cigarette and took two Panadol instead. Then she sat on her bed, holding her Zippo.
Flick-spin-scritch! The flame snapped into life like a genie, but it didn’t grant Jess any wishes, least of all relief. Snap! She needed a bigger genie.
Each room she searched on T-floor was both deserted and a shambles; like some great catastrophe had happened during the day, the zombie apocalypse, rather than just a music festival. When she reached Allie’s door she reefed it open and headed straight for the dresser, upending a basket full of toiletries.
‘Help you there?’ a voice asked, and Jess leaped into the air with an ‘Oh shit!’
Leanne. She was lying on Allie’s unmade bed, half-hidden by the doona, dressed in a sports bra, shorts and socks. A star had been drawn in black marker around her belly button, which meant she’d been on Team Star Belly Sneetch. She was holding a phone—Allie’s presumably.
‘Where is everybody?’ Jess asked, running a palm over the things she’d tipped from the basket, looking, looking …
‘Food run.’
‘Why aren’t you with them?’
‘Why aren’t you at your aunt’s?’
‘I just got back.’ Jess sensed rather than saw Leanne look her bathrobe up and down, its pockets full of the things she’d just scavenged. ‘And changed.’
‘Your eyes are red.’
‘So are yours.’ Jess found what she was looking for and threw everything else back in the basket. ‘Right. I’ll be on the roof.’
‘Right. Me, too.’ Leanne got out of bed and slipped the phone into Allie’s tote.
‘You can only come if you bring beer. I know you’ve got some. And matches.’
Leanne rummaged through the pigeonhole above Allie’s desk and threw Jess a box of matches. ‘You’re not supposed to drink after you’ve been concussed.’
‘Are you qualified to give medical advice? Because last I checked you were doing psych.’
‘Ooh!’ Leanne said, making jazz hands. ‘Raging Flash.’
‘Sorry,’ Jess apologised. ‘I’m just a bit—’
‘No, it’s better. Otherwise you’re just, like, always with the fucking smile … Meet you up there in ten.’
Jess set up in their regular spot, on the tail end of the roof, where the crowns of several gum trees dropped litter onto the concrete and the siding served as a windbreak. It was needed, because the wind had strengthened, sending clouds scudding across a sky lit by a half-moon. When she’d finished stacking paper, twigs, leaves and branches in the old washing machine cylinder they used for fires, Jess sat on the ventilation housing, brushing dust and bits of wood off her bathrobe, thinking she should have changed instead of just pulling on panties and her cowboy boots. If college was all about having the right bathrobe, hers was a classic—thick, white and expensive, hotel style—and it would probably get wrecked. Leanne had changed, though. When she arrived, carrying a six-pack of VB, she was in jeans and her Knight Rider jersey.
Topical, Jess thought dully.
‘Catch,’ Leanne said.
Jess did, cracking the can open and sucking foam from the top. She looked sideways at Leanne as she took a seat next to her. ‘Hey, we’re in a bad joke. A sociopath and a pyromaniac were having a drink together …’
Leanne clinked cans with her. ‘You think I’m sociopathic?’
‘Ish.’
Leanne seemed to take that as an insult. ‘You’re not a real pyro either, you know.’
Jess nodded. ‘I can control the impulse. And it’s not about the fire, anyway. It’s more about the way it starts. The flare. That’s where I get off.’
‘Please. Do demonstrate,’ Leanne said, every bit the interested scholar.
‘Well, Leanne, tonight, I’ll be doing a little variant that I like to call doggie style. First, disperse your accelerant, like so …’ Jess poured three bottles of nail polish remover over the material in the bin, then sprayed it liberally with the insect repellent she’d found in Farren’s room. ‘Prepare your match, like so …’ She lit a match, shielding it with her hand.
‘You should totally use your Zippo,’ Leanne suggested in a helpful voice.
‘Hah. Nice try.’ Jess threw the match into the bin, taking a step back. Woof!
•
Later, when the fire had died down, and they were onto their second beers, and Jess had achieved a warm sort of numbness, Leanne said, ‘This can’t be just a sore head.’
‘Try another part of my anatomy.’
Leanne flicked an empty bottle of nail polish remover, making it spin. ‘Heard of masturbation?’
‘No, I was thinking more—’ Jess thumped her chest.
‘Oh, gross, Jess. Keep that shit to yourself.’ Leanne sounded truly disgusted, but also embarrassed for her, as if Jess had just said she’d peed her pants.
‘Try a little compassion, Leanne,’ Jess hissed. ‘It might come in
handy in your future profession. Com—meaning shared. And passion—meaning feeling.’
‘Latin?’ Leanne asked, impressed.
‘Aunt Heather did it at school.’ Jess drank a lot of her beer, thought for a while, and then poured the dregs over the dying fire, causing it to steam and hiss.
‘Was that necessary?’ Leanne asked.
‘Yes, because it was symbolic. I’m a phoenix, rising from the ashes—’
‘Squawk!’
‘—because you are totally right. I am being pathetic. What I need is to get laid.’
‘See? There I can help you. That’s the easy part.’ Leanne got up and leaned over the handrail. She waited for a while, then put two fingers to her lips and gave an ear-splitting whistle. ‘Brent! Hey, Brent! Would you do Jess?’
‘What?’ came the shout.
‘Jess Gordon! Would you sleep with her?’
‘In a flash. Ha, ha!’
Jess looked skywards.
‘What about you, Ticker?’ Leanne yelled.
‘Affirmative.’
Leanne returned to her seat. ‘Problem solved. Brent and/or Ticker.’
‘I feel sorry for your future patients.’
Leanne took a swig of her beer, unperturbed. ‘I’m not interested in people’s problems. I’m going into the research side so I can experiment on them. Hook them up to electrodes and give them electric shocks and shit.’
Jess stood to squash her empty can. ‘You know what my problem is? I can’t cut the sex stuff off from the feelings.’
‘Actually, that’s considered healthy; sex plus feelings—I’ll have to try it sometime.’
Jess sat down with a thump. ‘It’s not doing me any good.’
‘I’m assuming all this drama is related to the Fahrenheit dude,’ Leanne asked. Jess looked away and Leanne prodded her with a finger. ‘Why’s it such a big secret?’
‘Because it’s a big non-event.’ Jess, agitated, rubbed her hand rapidly up and down her calf, like she was trying to start a fire with her own skin. ‘What’s it mean when a guy won’t kiss you?’