by Nicola Marsh
I should’ve swallowed her pants with long, hot, moist, open-mouthed kisses.
I should’ve sucked her tits while fingering her clit.
I should’ve gone down on her until she screamed.
I should’ve been her first.
But changing my life meant sticking to my new principles, even it meant lying here all frigging night, frustrated as hell and wishing things between us could be different.
* * *
I must’ve eventually drifted off around three because I woke at five thirty with the pale dawn streaking the sky, to find my arm cuddling Jess and her head snuggled into my shoulder.
We had sleeping bags between us but I still got a boner. I could blame it on the usual morning woody but this one was a hell of a lot more painful and it had to do with the woman I’d wanted all damn night and couldn’t have.
Her hair tickled my nostrils and I eased away slightly, not wanting to wake her just yet, wanting to savor our closeness.
I’d never get another chance to have her in my arms like this. I intended on making every second count.
I nuzzled her neck, inhaling her soft lilac fragrance. God, it was so evocative. So Jess. Sweet and elegant. Subtly sexy. I wanted her more than ever.
I allowed myself the luxury of brushing a feather-light kiss on her ear, her temple, her forehead. I daren’t go near her lips for fear I’d never stop.
She moaned and wriggled, snuggling in deeper. It should’ve been my cue to remove my arm and move away. I didn’t.
Her eyelids fluttered open, her beautiful brown eyes hazy and unfocussed. It took a few seconds for her to awaken fully and when she did, the smile that curved her lips was breathtaking.
“Good morning.”
“It is now,” I said, sounding incredibly corny but wanting to make this moment last.
She chuckled. “Sleep well?”
“Not as well as you.”
If she registered my innuendo, she didn’t show it. “Must be the fresh outback air.”
“Must be,” I said, remembering the sounds she made as she came last night, knowing I’d never forget as long as I lived.
“We’re awfully cozy.” She shrugged her shoulder where my arm currently resided. “Aren’t you afraid I might ravish you or something?”
“Or something.” I gave her a quick hug. “It’s kinda nice waking up next to you like this.”
“Yeah, it is.” She smiled, but I saw her lower lip wobble. Fuck, I couldn’t make her cry.
“The sun should be up in five minutes. You don’t want to miss it—”
“Jack?”
“Yeah?”
“We can do a lot in five minutes.”
I saw the blatant yearning in her eyes; saw how much she wanted me. And it made me feel ten feet tall that an amazing girl like her wanted me to be her first.
But if I’d managed to keep my hands off her all night, no frigging way would I make her first time a quick fuck before she flew back to the States this afternoon.
So I removed my arm with regret and unzipped my bag. “Yeah. Five minutes gives us enough time to get up, use the bush toilet and get ready to watch the most amazing sunrise you’ll ever see.”
Disappointment clouded her eyes as she turned away to unzip her bag. “Meet you outside,” she said, her tone forlorn, and I curled my hands into fists to stop from reaching for her.
As I squeezed through the tent flaps and trudged outside, I swore walking away from her right then was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do.
Chapter Twenty-One
JESS
So last night didn’t live up to expectations.
I was still a virgin. A frustrated virgin.
On the upside? I’d had the most intense orgasm of my life.
Because I knew Jack had been listening.
I’d done it on purpose, hoping to drive him insane. Hoping he’d give in to the obvious attraction sizzling between us and finally have sex with me. But the guy had the willpower of a saint.
Worse? I’d woken to find him cuddling me, the tenderness in his eyes almost making me bawl.
So he liked me. Really liked me. But because of some misplaced chivalry he wouldn’t touch me. If only we had more time together. If only I didn’t have to fly home today.
The moment I thought it, the solution flickered to life again…
I could stay.
I’d contemplated it a few times, before dismissing it as a clingy act of desperation.
Absolute insanity, giving up my life back home to stay in Australia on a whim, but I could do it. If Jack wanted me to. And what was the likelihood of that?
“Idiot,” I muttered, grabbing a roll of toilet paper and heading off to find a private spot in the bush. After the requisite scanning of the surrounding area for any animals/reptiles/bugs that could bite my ass, I quickly finished my business, used the sanitary hand lotion and headed back to camp, to find Jack had already dismantled the tent and packed everything away.
So much for him wanting me to stick around. He couldn’t wait to get back to the homestead so I could leave for good.
“Come on. We’ve got a five minute walk to reach the best spot to watch the sun rise.” He held out his hand and I didn’t hesitate. I slipped my hand into his, relishing the contact.
I was such a sucker. Guess this was what love did to a girl.
Love?
I didn’t love Jack. I couldn’t.
Shit.
What if I did?
I blamed the sudden nausea on the fact I hadn’t had any breakfast yet, but as we stopped at a rocky outcrop overlooking burnished copper plains as far as I could see, I knew my queasiness had more to do with the realization I’d fallen in love for the first time, with a guy who lived a world away.
“The perfect vantage point.” He tugged me down and we sat cross-legged, side by side, as the sun peeped over the horizon. “I discovered this place by accident a few months ago, when I first arrived.”
“It’s beautiful,” I said, staring at his profile and not the sun.
“I’ve come out here a few times, to clear my head.”
I watched the tension bracketing his mouth soften as the sun continued to creep into the sky, bathing us in a breathtaking mauve, gold and sienna kaleidoscope.
“Don’t you ever get lonely, doing stuff like this on your own?”
He glanced at me, a puzzled frown creasing his brow. “I like my independence. I learned pretty early on to depend on no one but myself.” He paused, and his frown cleared. “But I have to say, having you with me, has made this time pretty special.”
“I knew you liked me,” I said, halfway between teasing and triumphant.
“’Course I like you.”
I only just caught his muttered, “Too much for my own good.”
“Shame we can’t do something about it.”
There, I said it. Put it out there. A blatant hint that I’d be willing to do whatever it took for us to be together.
He stared at me for a long, interminable moment, the sun’s rays reflecting off his hair and creating a blond halo, illuminating his handsome face.
“No point wishing for things to be different when we can’t change facts.” He squeezed my hand and released it. “We need to look to the future. No regrets.”
No regrets? Seriously? My heart was almost bursting with them, the main one being I’d never see him again after today.
He stood, brushed off his butt and walked away, leaving me pressing the pads of my fingers to my eyes to stop from bawling, and cursing myself for being such a fool.
* * *
We’d barely spoken on the ride back to Cooweer. Which was fine with me, because every time I glanced at Jack my chest ached.
The hour ride had been over too soon and while he tended to the horses, I paced outside his shack, alternating between scuffing my boots in the dirt and kicking up little tornadoes of dust, and glancing at the darkening sky.
Huge storm clouds had chase
d us all the way back to the homestead. With a little luck, a rare deluge for this time of year in these parts would cause a flood and keep me stranded here indefinitely.
Yeah, right, and I still believed in fairytales too.
Jack appeared around the far corner of the shack, near that fateful outdoor shower, as the first drops of rain plopped onto my nose.
“You better make it to the homestead before this hits,” he said, barely breaking stride as he headed for the shack’s front door.
“Still eager to get rid of me right to the very end, huh?” I kicked the dirt one last time, almost grateful for the sting of pain as I stubbed my big toe. It might detract from the massive pain breaking my heart in two.
“Just go, Jess.” He ran a hand over his face, as if he couldn’t stand the sight of me any longer, and that’s when I finally lost it.
I’d put up with his hot and cold attitude for a month. The flirting. The teasing. Always followed by the withdrawal.
He’d made me fall in love with him without trying.
He liked me, but he couldn’t have me.
Well screw him.
“Must be damn difficult, living a lie.”
He paused on the top step. “What are you talking about?”
“You’re a liar. Pretending like there’s nothing going on between us. Pretending like you won’t touch me for my own good. But want to know what I think?”
The rain fell heavier, soaking me to the skin. I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything but getting this huge weight off my chest.
Because quiet, obedient, dutiful Jess Harper never spoke up. I held my tongue in any uncomfortable situation. I hated confrontation and would do anything to keep the peace.
Not this time. No way in hell would I spend a fifteen-hour flight back to LA lamenting the fact I didn’t speak up when I had the chance.
“This is a waste of time, Jess. I’m doing this to protect you from me—”
“Shut the fuck up.” I marched toward him as the heavens opened up and I had to shout to be heard. “I’ve done the right thing my entire life. I deliberately fade into the background. And I damn well don’t tell a guy like you what I really think. But I’m leaving today so here goes nothing.”
I jabbed my finger in his direction. “You’re a wimp. A big, fat wuss who hides behind pathetic excuses because you’re too damn scared to take a chance on what you feel in here.”
I placed a hand over my heart. “I pity you, Jack, because you’re an amazing guy and if you saw what I see in you, we could be incredible together—”
I never got to finish my sentence as he vaulted the steps, landed at my feet, hauled me into his arms and slammed his mouth onto mine.
I saw stars. Literally. Because his kiss deprived me of oxygen. I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. Couldn’t comprehend that what I’d yearned for all this time was finally happening.
His tongue demanded entrance into my mouth and I let him in, our tongues dueling and tangling in a long, hot, open-mouthed kiss that defied belief.
His hands were everywhere. Grabbing my ass. Caressing my back. Delving into my hair. Palming my breasts.
Then he tweaked my nipples and I moaned, savoring the electric sensations shooting lower, where I throbbed with wanting him.
We didn’t come up for air as Jack spun me around so my back was pressed against the shack wall, his kisses deepening as he ground his pelvis against me.
I hoisted a leg around his waist, craving deeper contact. Craving him inside me.
I arched against him and he groaned, a guttural, sexy sound that empowered me as a woman.
Jack wanted me. Really wanted me. It made me braver than I’d ever been with any guy.
I stroked his back, relishing the hard muscles beneath my palms. My fingertips skimmed the skin between his T-shirt and jeans. It was smooth and wet and I wanted more.
And that’s when I made a fatal mistake.
I slid my fingers beneath his waistband. Eased my hips away so I could slide my hands around the front to touch him…
He wrenched his mouth off mine and pulled away so fast I stumbled.
“Fuck, that never should’ve happened.” He stared at me in wild-eyed horror, as if we’d done something wrong, and the last of my patience snapped.
“Bullshit. That’s the kiss that should’ve happened weeks ago if you had any balls.” I shoved him away, hard, my hands curling into fists, wanting to lash out and pummel him until he hurt as badly as I did. “I hope you relive it every fucking night for the rest of your life and think about what else you missed out on.”
I pushed past him and ran, blinded by the rain but grateful the downpour camouflaged the tears cascading down my cheeks.
Chapter Twenty-Two
JACK
I was numb.
Physically. Emotionally. I couldn’t feel a thing as I trudged inside. I mechanically peeled off my wet T-shirt, jeans and jocks, and toweled off.
Jess had gone.
And I’d ended things between us in the worst possible way.
I’d mulled long and hard during the hour-long return journey to Cooweer. I’d been a prick for weeks, alternating between flirting and pushing her away. Wasn’t her fault I’d grown a conscience at the ripe old age of twenty.
My recent choices to lead a better life had inadvertently affected her, so I’d wanted to do things right. I’d planned on writing everything down in a letter and giving it to her to read later. That way, if she wanted to keep in touch like I planned on doing with Reid, it would be her choice.
But I’d shot that to shit by finally giving in to my baser instincts and kissing her.
Fuck, it had been the best damn kiss of my life.
Sweet and sensual and so damn erotic I was still hard.
And the fallout would be catastrophic, because I’d never be able to get her out of my head now.
I wanted more. I wanted all of her.
So I settled for doing whatever I could to rectify the shitty situation I’d created.
I pulled on sweatpants, grabbed the pen and notepad I used to jot down recipes when I brainstormed, and sat on the couch.
School hadn’t been high on my list of priorities as a kid and shifting around between foster families ensured I didn’t stay in one place long enough to build a solid education. So the fact I wanted to make the effort to write to Jess showed just how much she meant to me.
I chewed the end of the pen and stared at the blank paper, willing my jumbled thoughts to coalesce into something that would make sense. But the harder I focused the more the words in my head scrambled, so I settled for being blunt and writing exactly how I felt.
Dear Jess,
I’m sorry I screwed up so bad. You were right. I’m shit scared by how you make me feel. Confused and terrified, yet happy. I’ve never been happier than this past month, when we’ve hung out together. You make me laugh. And you’ve got a smart mouth, one that I finally got to kiss today.
God, you have no idea how badly I’ve wanted to do that. And more. Because despite pushing you away, mostly for your own good, I’ve wanted to be your first lover. That night in the tent? I heard you and I wanted to be the one to finger your clit. To go down on you. To lick you until you screamed my name. I wanted to slide my hard cock inside you and fuck you all night long.
But I made a choice not long before you arrived that I wouldn’t be that guy anymore. The kind of guy who has casual sex and seeks short-term solutions without thought for the future.
Thanks to your brother, I now have a future. I’m going to do my apprenticeship. Get my own restaurant one day. Make him proud of me. And make me proud of me.
Because that’s the thing, Jess. I’ve always felt like a loser. I’ve been told it often enough growing up and after I while, guess I started to believe it. I’ve spent the last few years running. Running from my past. Running from my own insecurities.
But I finally took a stand recently and unfortunately, you’ve borne the bru
nt of it.
Me not sleeping with you has got nothing to do with how desirable you are as a woman or how naive. You’re a huge turn on, Jess. Huge. I want you so much you make me ache. This has all been about me, not you.
I don’t believe in making promises or dreaming the impossible dream. But know this.
I’ll never forget you, Jess.
Ever.
And who knows, one day you may stroll into a Sydney restaurant and want to give the chef your compliments with a kiss reminiscent of the one we shared today.
You’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever met.
Love always,
Jack xx
I reread the letter and almost screwed it into a ball. It was crap. But it was from my heart and I wanted Jess to know the truth. She didn’t deserve to be jerked around the way I’d done with her.
Feeling like a schmuck, I folded it carefully and slid it into my pocket. I’d give it to her just before she got in the car and tell her to wait until she had a private moment to read it. Last thing I wanted was Reid looking over her shoulder on the plane or worse, having to console her if she fell apart.
The letter crinkled in my pocket as I stood, a testament to the young woman who’d stolen my heart without trying.
Chapter Twenty-Three
JESS
I made it halfway to the homestead when the chills set in.
Not from being saturated, but from the realization that the last time I’d see Jack alone before I left was that confrontation where I’d acted like a lunatic.
The fact he’d kissed me, when he’d gone to great lengths over the last four weeks not to, meant he cared. And while I wasn’t stupid enough to believe in long distance relationships, the fact he’d become good friends with Reid meant the guys would stay in touch. So who knew what the future held?
But for us to have any chance, even maintaining a friendship, I had to go back.
I had to behave like a rational, mature woman, not a slighted almost-nineteen year old that threw a tantrum when she didn’t get what she wanted.
Because that’s how I’d pretty much behaved during my entire stay. Pushing him. Taunting him. Abusing him when he didn’t reciprocate the way I wanted. Then ignoring him.
And I sure as hell didn’t want his last memory of me to be a screaming banshee who shoved him away.