by kendra Smith
‘Suzie?’
‘Oh yes, Dawn said Level Three.’ Her mother pushed the button and they got in as the lift doors opened. The stale smell of food was worse in the lift. It was enough to make you feel sick, even if you didn’t before. Suzie took a deep breath as Rex squeezed her hand. Silence.
‘I’ll just wait outside.’ Her mum wandered over to a chair.
Dawn was already there.
Suzie took in Charlie’s chaotic hair, the dark circles under her eyes and her pale skin. ‘Hi there.’ She smiled. Keep calm.
‘Suzie, I’m so, so sorry. It’s just that—’
‘It’s OK. I spoke to Tyler yesterday; he explained it all.’ She twisted her wedding ring round and round on her finger.
‘I just had to know that Tyler was OK. I thought it—’
‘Look, it doesn’t matter.’ Suzie took a deep breath and it took all her willpower to stay calm. ‘Charlie, I’m sure you had your reasons for following Tyler, I really do, but…’ She could feel the tears. Rex placed an arm around her waist. ‘It’s just that doing something like that was so incredibly dangerous for you – and the baby.’ The last part came out like a whisper.
‘I know, I know, Suzie, I’m sorry; but I really thought they had Tyler. I was terrified I’d lose him.’
Terrified I’d lose him. That’s how she was coming to feel about their baby. She just nodded as she didn’t trust herself to speak.
*
They were back home. Her dad had stayed there as he had been extremely tired after their car trip down from Chichester, and had let Suzie and Margaret go to the hospital. He was still asleep in the spare room.
The awkwardness was palpable. Even with an exuberant Spanish au pair bustling around, deadheading flowers, putting dishes away and sweeping up spilt sugar from the floor with a dustpan and brush.
Ramone had made them his famous mayonnaise chocolate brownies, a pot of Earl Grey tea and was fussing behind them in a green polka dot apron making a picnic to take back to the hospital for Charlie.
‘Thanks for coming.’ She looked at her mother.
‘Your dad and I – well, we just wanted to connect again. To see you, what with this baby thing.’
‘It’s called surrogacy.’
‘Right, the surrogacy. I know we fell out a while ago, over that stupid argument about your father.’ She looked out of the window.
‘You mean that you didn’t want to tell everyone that Dad was gay and I disagreed with you,’ she remarked, pointedly.
‘Susan!’
‘Hey Meeses Havilland senior.’ Ramone had turned around, and pulled at his apron. ‘Eez not so bad, hey? Being, how you say, gay… Actually, many people are fine with it.’ He looked pointedly at Suzie’s mum, then winked at Suzie who smiled warmly at him.
‘Yes, Ramone has been a godsend to us!’ Suzie beamed.
‘Well, I’m sure he has, of course, but this is not our life.’ Her arm swept around the kitchen. ‘And you haven’t lived in our generation, Susan. Ramone is not nearly seventy-five, nor does he live in a very tight-knit community in Chichester. Our friends, the gossip… You don’t know what it’s been like; living with your father, supporting him, knowing that he doesn’t truly love me in that way, but still being incredibly fond of him… It’s been extremely—’ she paused ‘—hard.’ Margaret stirred her tea, then placed the spoon on the side.
‘What’s changed now? Why did you want to come down?’
‘Because we’re not getting any younger, and what with your dad’s tests and everything – we both realise, sweetheart, that we need to build some bridges, that life’s short – and it’s for living.’ She took a bite of a brownie and made a face. ‘Oh. These taste rather odd.’
‘Mayonnaise,’ Suzie offered. ‘It’s a Ramone speciality.’ She looked over at him.
‘How unusual. Anyway,’ her mother swallowed and carried on, ‘when you told me on the phone about the surrogacy, I admit I was shocked, so was your dad. But I’ve had time to think about it, so when Rex called and mentioned the accident, that you might lose this baby, I knew what it meant to you. We wanted to see you – to support you.’
Suzie didn’t know what to think. Her parents had always been so removed, like paper cut-outs in her life, similar to the ones you order for a party. Oh there’s Kate and William. Oh, there’s Boris and Putin. Oh, my mum and dad, Richard and Margaret, yes, they’re fine. They live in Chichester and are so busy with their lives they don’t have time for me; stand over there and have your photo taken with them.
‘It was his suggestion, actually, darling, that one of us come, come and see you and try to be a bit more of a family – if we can.’
Suzie thought about her father. Remembered the tall man standing in their kitchen in Chichester, looking out to sea, with his blue corduroys, his neat glasses and clipped short grey hair and wondered how hard it must have been for all these years to live a lie, and then to finally be open about that lie. To have sent your only child to boarding school to ‘protect’ them from what he was, from the shame. But in doing so, he’d opened up the divisions more, for a little girl who could never understand why her mummy and daddy didn’t want her at home and all the insecurities that had brought.
‘Yes.’ She looked up at her mum. ‘I’d like to try to be a family again very much.’ And with that, an idea occurred to her, and she asked Ramone to come and sit down at the table with her and her mum.
58
Charlie
I open my eyes. My back is aching. I move to the left and try to stretch in the hospital bed. Tyler has left and Ramone is sitting on the chair with his legs crossed, his feet encased in purple Converse trainers. There’s a large picnic bag on the table next to him. He’s tapping his feet up and down and a copy of Hello! magazine is hiding his face from view. Just then, he peeps over the top of it.
‘Ah, Señorita Charlie, you OK?’
I nod. I feel better but thirsty. ‘Parched.’
His face creases into a frown. I add: ‘I could use a drink of water.’
‘Ah, OK. I get for you. Also, me and Meez Suzie, we want to ask you. We have a plan.’
‘Oh?’ God, what does Suzie want? Is she furious with me?
‘I help you wiz baby. No say no, Señorita,’ he says, wagging his finger at me as he stands up. ‘It all arranged. Meez Suzie, she a bit – how you say, uptight, especially now, but no worries. I come to help look after you, sí? I am excellent cook – good for growing a baby.’ He nods to my tummy and I smile. ‘Till you better. Ez all sorted.’ He holds his hand up like a traffic controller. ‘All sorted.’
‘We agree in her kitchen, with Señora Havilland mother – she is very how you say, very stress lady too, anyway, no, it all sorted. I already buy some – um, Babygros, after Meez Suzie she tell me, on the way here. They so cute, no?’ And he whips his phone out of his pocket and starts swiping to show me these utterly adorable baby suits in lemon and white with little bees on them.
Then he pops it back in his pocket, waltzes out of the room saying he’s going to be back ‘in a jiffy bag’ with a drink for me, just as Dawn walks in.
‘Hello, darling, how are you?’ She sits down next to my bed and squeezes my hand. I inhale the scent of fabric conditioner.
‘I’ve been better,’ I manage.
‘You look incredibly tired, but I hear that Suzie and Ramone have hatched a plan, to look after you. Sounds like a good idea.’
I smile and nod. The cavalry to the rescue, but I have to admit it feels good. My shoulders ache and I have a mild headache. I press my call button.
‘Look, you need to rest.’ Dawn starts to get up. ‘Oh, by the way—’ she smooths her skirt down ‘—the lovely Daniel called me – I told him what happened and how you were. He seemed very shocked, said something about losing Lucy. I think I must have woken him up perhaps.’ Dawn shakes her head. ‘Anyway, he wanted to—’
But Dawn doesn’t finish as a nurse comes bustling in asking what’s wrong a
nd tells Dawn that I’ve probably had enough today. She says she’ll bring me some water and looks pointedly at my belly. ‘You need to rest.’
Dawn kisses me on the forehead and says goodbye. I can’t help my heart sinking.
‘Dawn, can you get me my phone—’
‘Yes, here you are.’ She hands it to me. ‘So I explained everything. He seemed quite shaken. He knows you can’t have many visitors.’ Dawn nods to where the nurse is standing over my bed. ‘I told him you’d be home soon.’
‘Right, thanks.’
As Dawn leaves, I press my phone to see if there are any messages from him, but there’s nothing.
I drift off to sleep thinking about Daniel. Perhaps he’ll text me, perhaps… I just need to sleep.
59
Dawn
Pray, for five seconds, or five minutes!
Push out negative thoughts.
Are you being the best person you can be?
Take a meditative, cleansing breath.
Dawn slammed the lid down on her laptop. She’d had enough of Mindfulness. What about mindful husbands? She looked out of the window at the canvas of daffodils and tulips in the garden: green and yellow swathes of colour dotted with red. It was late April. She stared at the clumps of cheery daffodils at the base of the magnolia tree, at the pillar-box-red tulips in her borders, and noticed how the sun had just broken through some late morning mist, heralding a warm day.
She wanted to see Charlie again. She’d sent her a text last night saying she was sure Charlie could do with some company, that the cat wasn’t enough. Charlie had been cooped up at home, more or less, since leaving hospital and that was several weeks of rest now. Dawn had been popping in from time to time, but she was worried about her.
She quickly grabbed her handbag, tied back her hair and put some lipstick on, jumped in the car, not waiting for a response from Charlie. She’d just go and see her. When she got there, she stood at the front door and noticed that the mouldy mattress had gone, and the flower boxes had been placed on the windowsill, housing tiny purple violas.
‘Hiya.’ Charlie opened the door to her and smiled. The place looked quite tidy. Even with the sun streaming in through the hall window, there was no dust, no streaks on the windowpanes as there usually were. The Ramone Effect, presumably. Charlie nodded to the kitchen and slowly started to wander up the hall. Dawn followed her as the cat sped past her feet.
‘How are you?’ she said to her back. ‘You look…’
Charlie turned around and shrugged. ‘A bit tired?
‘Yes, you do.’
‘I’ve gone back to do a bit of cleaning. The doctors said it would be OK if it was “light cleaning”. Gloria’s been an angel – as usual – and Ramone’s been driving me; I just don’t want to lose my job.’ She smiled wearily at her and put her hand on her belly. ‘And then when I get home, I need to lie down.’ Charlie grabbed a tin of biscuits from the cupboard, placed them on the table and opened the lid.
‘Custard cream?’ she offered Dawn the tin.
‘Yes, sure. But you sit down; I’ll make some tea.’ She filled up the kettle and flicked the switch, turning to Charlie. ‘How many weeks are you now?’ she said noticing Charlie’s quite pronounced bump.
‘Twenty-four weeks. Felt the baby move, kind of makes it all worth it.’ Her eyes softened. ‘Suzie felt him move the other day when she put her hand on my stomach, just at the right time.’ Charlie’s face broke into a huge grin as she put her hand protectively around her belly, and then, just as suddenly, her face crumpled.
‘Him?’
‘Well,’ said Charlie sniffing, ‘I think I’m having a boy.’
‘Oh, honey, whatever’s wrong?’ Dawn placed two cups of tea on the table, sat down next to her and put her arm around her.
Charlie straightened up and pushed her hair behind her ear. ‘Sorry,’ she sighed. ‘I’m just awash with hormones.’
‘You’re not the only one. Blasted things. I’m shouting at the kids, have venomous thoughts about my mother-in-law, and I—’ She stopped short of saying: ‘think Eric is playing away from home’. She was meant to be here to listen to Charlie.
‘To be honest,’ Charlie said, twisting a strand of hair around in her fingers, ‘I just, well, ever since I had the accident and I had that scan, I feel… I’m just feeling…’ she put her hand over her tummy ‘…sort of very protective towards my bump.’
‘Well, yes, of course you are, Charlie, that’s only natural.’ Dawn stared at Charlie, but she wouldn’t look her in the eye. She was concentrating on removing the middle of the custard cream fondant with her teeth. Dawn took a sip of tea.
‘Charlie?’
‘Mmm?’
‘You’re not having second thoughts, are you?’
‘What?’ Her head jerked up. ‘Why would you say that?’
‘Because I’m a mum, Charlie; I’ve got kids. I know what it feels like; I understand that overwhelming love you feel is primeval. It’s like no other you’ll ever, ever feel. It’s just a hunch, that’s all.’
‘No. Yes. That’s just it, I-I sort of want to make up for all the mistakes I made with Tyler. I—’ She looked at Dawn with hollow eyes. The girl looked like she hadn’t slept in days.
‘I’m sure you did everything properly with Tyler.’
‘No, no, I didn’t. The whole thing was such a mess.’ Charlie stopped abruptly.
Dawn put her hand on her arm. ‘Charlie, you were very young when you had Tyler. Whatever happened with Tyler is done. He was your first baby. It’s understandable. But you can’t turn back the clock.’ Dreadful teenage pregnancy. It must’ve been awful.
‘I know, I know, but—’ she said taking in a huge breath of air.
Dawn glanced around the kitchen and caught sight of the scan picture pinned up on the fridge. It was in a little silver magnetic picture frame.
‘Is that the scan?’
Charlie nodded, then got up abruptly and pulled it from the fridge door. She put it hurriedly in a drawer. She turned to Dawn. ‘It’s much harder than I realised it would be, Dawn.’ She swept a crumb from the kitchen top into her hand. ‘But I need the money. I need, I don’t know, I just want it all to be over.’
‘What do you mean, Charlie?’
Charlie shook her head, and opened her mouth, but before she could answer, the front door opened. ‘Hi, Mum!’ came Tyler’s voice from the hall. ‘Hey, I sent my shots off to be processed today. They should be—’ He stopped as he walked into the kitchen and saw Dawn.
‘Oh, hiya.’
‘Hi there, Tyler, how’s the photography going?’ It was good to change the subject. Charlie seemed very agitated today.
‘Yeah, great, good.’ Tyler walked over and gave Charlie a squeeze on her shoulder. ‘Just working towards that award.’ He screwed up his nose. ‘I just don’t know, though, if my work’s good enough – I think I need more help.’ His gaze went out to the garden and back again. Then he hurriedly reached into the biscuit tin, grabbed a handful of custard creams. ‘Anyway, I’m nipping upstairs to edit a few more. See ya.’ And with that strode out of the kitchen.
She’d never seen Tyler so animated; it was good for Charlie to have something else to concentrate on.
‘He’s happy?’ She looked over at Charlie.
‘Yeah, very these days. I’m glad he’s got that project. Especially as I’ve got so much on my mind…’
‘Look, I’ve got to dash.’ Dawn finished her tea, stood up and gave Charlie a hug. ‘Take it easy, OK?’ She patted her shoulder. Charlie nodded and followed her to the door. Once it was closed behind her, Dawn clicked her car open and wondered why, after Charlie had been so determined and so clinical about the money, she was so attached to the baby now. She needed the money, didn’t she? She must have some powerful reasons for wanting to atone for Tyler’s birth.
60
Dawn
‘Right, dear, let’s pop our pinnies on.’
I’m not five years old. Dawn
snatched the red gingham apron from Joyce and tied it around her waist. They were in the kitchen while the children were watching Newsround on TV. It was a rare moment of peace in the house.
‘Got the oven on?’
Dawn nodded.
‘Good. I’ve put out what we need: eggs, chocolate powder, melted chocolate, flour and sugar. If you follow this recipe, my girl, you will be bound to win the competition – it’s an old family recipe. I’ve never messed this up as it’s so easy – and neither will you.’ She peered at Dawn above her glasses.
‘OK, let’s begin, then.’ Dawn shrugged, reaching for the bowl and smoothing her hands on her apron.
Joyce got the scales out to start measuring the flour and cocoa powder while Dawn carefully cut some unsalted butter into a bowl. ‘Now add the chocolate to the bowl of butter,’ said Joyce gently. ‘That’s right, then put that bowl over the saucepan of hot water over there.’
‘Joyce?’
‘Hmm?’
‘Why do you think Eric’s so quiet?’
‘Spring’s a busy time in gardening – he’s exhausted, darling.’
‘Well, yes, but I mean, it happened to you, didn’t it? Arthur…’ Could she use the word ‘affair’?
Joyce put down her spoon and turned to look at her.
‘It did, Dawn, yes. But me and Arthur – we weren’t like you and Eric.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well – oh quick, stir that chocolate, will you, and don’t let any water get into the bowl.’ She moved the spoon to one side. ‘He had an affair, I couldn’t get over it – we drifted apart in the end, even though we were still married. We didn’t have any common interests.’
‘Neither do Eric and I.’
‘Well you might find that changes soon,’ she said with a twinkle in her eye, then turned back to the bowl. ‘Oh, watch!’ she said sharply, as some water sloshed into the bowl. ‘You need to concentrate.’
Dawn did as she was told, sieved in the four and cocoa powder, then moved to another bowl and took the measured-out caster sugar Joyce handed her, cracked three eggs into the sugar, watched the golden yellow yolks plop into the mixture, then she carefully broke the centres, and watched the yolks ooze out before she blended the whole mixture.