by kendra Smith
In the past, before Jacob, people like Annie were her allies. They had no kids. They understood different rules. They didn’t dash home like some other employees for the last minute of the nursery closing, for the nanny, for bathtime, for sports day, take half-days off for parents’ evenings. She and Annie had talked the same language. Only now, Annie was expecting Suzie to talk that language again. Have a baby to look after? Great, call the nursery and back to your profit margins. The cut-throat, can-do boss who Suzie had admired so much would be her worst enemy now.
‘Having a woman boss with no kids is the worst,’ a friend had once drunkenly told her at an after-work party. ‘She won’t cut you any slack; she just won’t understand. You’ll think she’s part of the sisterhood, but she won’t be if she’s not part of motherhood.’ It had seemed odd at the time, but now Suzie understood full well what she had meant back then.
Suzie sat down in the leather chair opposite the desk and felt her dress cut into her. Annie glanced at her. ‘So how are you, Suzie?’
Suzie had just opened her mouth when Annie cut in, ‘Good, right, when will you be back?’ She looked down at her notes. ‘After our call, you promised you’d find a nursery and have it all sorted,’ she said tapping at some notes on her desk with orange-polished nails. ‘The Glendale deal has gone a bit awry, and Davenport needs attention – he’s simply too bloody inexperienced – plus I can’t keep juggling your clients with mine any more.’ She took her glasses off and looked at Suzie enquiringly.
Suzie stared at her, at her manicured tangerine nails and immaculate spiky hair, at her statement necklace, and all she could think about was Jacob out in reception. Was he all right? Would someone spill coffee on him as they walked past? She shook her head.
How can I possibly come back to work and leave that tiny baby in a nursery with neon lights, smelling of pee, with cheap posters on the walls, with staff on a rota who constantly resign as they hate the fact that they spend all day cleaning up shit and get paid the minimum wage? How can I do that to him? She’d read another report in the papers the other day. She shivered. Annie was talking Gaelic for all she could understand. She’d totally forgotten about the Glendale deal, and vaguely remembered saying something about mentoring that new bloke Davenport when she got back…
‘I can’t come back, Annie, there’s no nursery place. I’m really sorry.’
Annie slowly put her glasses back on and peered at Suzie. ‘No nursery place, or you don’t want the nursery place? What about a nanny?’
She knew.
‘You take your time – I’ll give you six months – but your role won’t be here forever, OK?’ She stood up and walked round to Suzie. The message was clear. Suzie couldn’t stop trembling. She knew she’d never come back.
‘Look, Annie, I can’t come back.’
‘All right then,’ she said briskly, ‘I’ll inform HR.’
Cut-throat – that’s why she’s so good at her job.
I’ve just given up my career.
As they walked back to the car park, Rex didn’t know what to say to her when he realised the meeting hadn’t gone well. When he perhaps saw that his wife wasn’t quite who he thought she was, he didn’t say anything. He looked at his watch and gave her a peck on the cheek.
‘Listen, let’s talk about this later, OK? Maybe it’s all been too much coming back today? I’m sure you’ll feel differently soon. Give yourself some time, and speak to Annie in a few weeks?’ He touched her cheek.
She drove home in a daze; it was as if she was looking at herself from afar. Where am I? And, more importantly, who am I? The woman staring at her in the rear-view mirror looked like an ad executive, maybe a slightly messy one with mascara smudges after crying with relief when she saw Jacob in reception after the meeting, but, still, kind of like someone who knew what they were doing.
What the hell was she doing?
The car was silent; she was on autopilot navigating around and between cars on the crowded London streets. Patiently waiting behind busses, in no rush. Marvelling at how busy it all was, how the street cafés were full of London’s movers and shakers having a coffee, an early glass of chilled wine on pavement tables, men in sharp suits, women in high heels and sunglasses. That was her old world, wasn’t it?
She stopped behind a queue of cars and glanced quickly at a sleeping Jacob in the back. He had no idea how much heartache and turmoil he was responsible for. But thank God, she thought. I’ve got Jacob; a family – my family. I don’t need my career at the moment. Rex and Jacob are all I need. A career can’t cuddle you, a career can’t sweep you off your feet with a mere look, a career can’t make you feel complete, whole, swell your heart up, promise you years of love ahead, can it?
She smiled to the messy woman in the rear-view mirror again. Didn’t those bags under her eyes show! There wasn’t enough power lipstick in the world to detract from them. But who cared? She simply didn’t mind walking around the moonlit house with him, patting his back, didn’t mind at all, she never minded getting up, warming the bottle, feeding him in the dim light of their bedroom, watching Rex asleep peacefully next to her…
A noise jolted her back to where she was. Someone was beeping her. The queue of traffic had started moving again – and then she saw them.
Hugging. The woman was stunning. It was so intimate.
Not Eric? Oh, poor, poor, Dawn.
73
Dawn
As Dawn slowly pedalled the last few yards through the gym car park, she was tooted by a car. She slowed down and put her foot on the kerb to steady herself.
‘Hi! Meeses Dawn, how you? You on bike, no? Fabulous!’ It was Ramone, rolling his window down.
‘What are you doing here, Ramone?’ She smiled.
‘I give Meeses Charlie a lift. She goes gym all the time now! Sometimes she work out, other time eets working in ze coffee shop; I must go, Meeses Suzie she just text me!’
‘How is the baby? Suzie?’
‘Yes, baby fine! Very noisy! Señora Suzie, she – how you say, quite up-loose – but she eat my food now! Even the croquettes! I must go! Bye!’
‘Ramone?’
‘Sí?’
‘It’s uptight.’
She waved him off laughing and pushed her bike towards the gym entrance. The last few kilometres of her bike ride with Rex had been fun. He’d persuaded her to come out with him again, despite her swearing she wouldn’t. He’d gone on ahead in the end as he’d needed to rush back to work, some conference calls he had to take at home – even on a Saturday. Dawn had taken her time on the last stretch, a hundred different thoughts clogging up her brain from turning fifty, to Rex’s biceps, to googling dye removal for cats, to her marriage.
There was a tap on her shoulder and Dawn jumped. Charlie eyed her suspiciously.
‘Million miles away?’
‘Oh, Charlie, hey, look at you! You look fabulous!’ She cast her eye over a new Charlie: dark grey yoga trackpants, a blue and silver racer back top and a pretty floral sweatband around her head. Unrecognisable from the girl of a few months ago. ‘What have you been doing?’
‘Exercising here – what else?’ she said with an odd look about her. ‘What have you been doing, more to the point? Don’t you do a spinning class today?’
Dawn took a swig of water from her bottle and hoped that her flushed face just looked like she’d been exercising very hard. ‘Coffee?’
‘Yup, sure.’ Charlie glanced at her watch. ‘I’ll pop back in and order.’ Charlie smiled at her and wandered ahead to the café. She really was looking different. Gone was the girl who’d been tired and heavily pregnant only a couple of months ago. Exercising and having Ramone around clearly suited her. Ramone had said that he wanted to ‘look after’ her a bit longer, and now that Suzie wasn’t so stressed about her house looking immaculate, Suzie had agreed for him to spend a bit of time still at Charlie’s.
‘So how have you been?’ Dawn found Charlie at her usual table and sank gratefully
into the leather sofa. She took the coffee from Charlie and looked up at her. ‘You do look great, by the way.’ She wanted to steer the conversation away from Rex.
‘So you said! Thanks.’ Charlie beamed. ‘Ramone’s such a good cook – and he’s taught me the perils of custard creams! It’s great to—’ she lowered her voice ‘—have enough money now, and not worry so much. Paid off those awful loans. I’ve been coming here, doing some classes to try to—’ Her voice trailed off and she yanked the hem of her top.
‘Hm?’
‘Keep busy.’ Charlie smiled tightly.
‘Really?’
‘Yes.’ She looked up. ‘That and keep me from thinking about Daniel too much,’ she sighed. ‘Remember when I saw him a few weeks ago, Dawn? Well, I just can’t help thinking about it all, about that text – about his girlfriend.’ She shook her head.
Dawn didn’t know what to say. Poor Charlie. She put her arms around her and rubbed her shoulder. Daniel hadn’t mentioned any new girlfriend to her, and she’d been on the phone to him only recently. He’d wanted to ask if she knew anyone else who needed help with lifts, to keep his business going.
‘I sent him a text, actually. I just think it’s for the best. Told him not to contact me.’
‘Oh, darling, I’m sorry. I can tell how much you like him.’
‘I had been going to ask if I could start driving lessons again,’ she said, ‘but, well, not now, not with him seeing someone.’ She looked at Dawn and then quickly said, ‘So what about you – what have you been up to? Were you cycling on your own?’
Dawn felt her heart race. ‘Um, well, no. Rex suggested we go outside and take a bike ride instead of the class; it was very stuffy in there. I had a headache,’ she lied.
Charlie blinked. ‘Rex? Really? Actually, I thought I saw you in the park a few weeks ago – that time, when I was with Daniel. Was that you?’
Good grief, she hadn’t realised Charlie had seen them. Dawn suddenly worried about who else might have spotted her.
‘Yes, I think so.’
‘You think so?’ Charlie’s eyes narrowed.
‘Look, what’s a cycle ride?’ She took a gulp of her coffee and burnt her mouth. ‘Blast!’ She winced. ‘If you must know, Suzie is so caught up with Jacob that Rex told me he wanted to get out for some air – and I was talking to him about how hard things were, and that I’d talk to Suzie.’ Dawn knew full well she was justifying her actions, but that’s what she’d been doing, hadn’t she? Helping Suzie really. ‘Suzie’s just so intense about Jacob, that’s all, and Rex needed a break, needed to offload to someone.’
Charlie gave her a long, sideways look. Somehow this blasted girl could see right through her.
‘I’m not doing anything wrong, you know.’
Charlie stirred her coffee and looked up at her. ‘I didn’t say a word.’
After an awkward silence, Charlie crossed her legs and leant back in the chair. ‘But aren’t you, Dawn? You seem to be hanging out a lot with someone else’s husband.’
Dawn put down her coffee cup sharply as what Charlie said sunk in. She looked around the café, into the gardens. She stared at the golden yellow roses, at the Nelly Moser clematis climbing all over the back fence in the mid-September sun, with its final bloom for summer of cheery purple striped flowers, their faces happily bobbing in the breeze.
Suddenly, her heart felt heavy. Wasn’t it here, nearly a year ago, that she’d lectured Suzie about her marriage, and yet, here she was, trying to hide that she did feel something for Rex. She’d tried very hard to convince herself that it was friendly, that it was all terribly innocent, but when he’d moved closer to her today she’d almost fainted with desire. And when she realised he was in her classes, or if she recognised his car in the car park, not only did her heart lurch a little, she’d also find an excuse to quickly reapply her lipstick. She wasn’t really imagining those things, was she? And didn’t she secretly like the fact that she could be warm and understanding when Suzie was so unavailable? She was a terrible, terrible friend.
She remembered being shocked when Suzie had confessed to her, all those months ago, about her flirting with some guy after a night out in London and felt ashamed that now she was risking everything she’d built up – her home, family, Eric – and yet, what did she feel for Eric?
Charlie touched her arm. ‘Listen, Dawn, the way I see it, is if Suzie’s not herself right now, all you’re doing is making it easy for Rex to, well, fall into someone else’s arms.’
She was right. That was final. She’d make a decision. Anyway, there would be no more close encounters, would there? No more cycle rides.
She promised herself there and then that she would not be alone with him again.
74
Charlie
I slump down on the little lilac and gold upholstered chair in the cubicle and look at myself in the mirror sitting, fully made-up, in my bra and knickers. Ramone slings another few dresses over the top of the door. It’s hopeless. I haven’t got the energy to try anything else on. What on earth am I doing here? I don’t belong in places like this.
We’re in some posh dress shop in Winchester – Ramone found it on the internet. I get up from the comfy chair. The last dress I tried on was a red strapless thing. It had fallen off one shoulder and rather than make me look like a vamp, I looked like I’d fallen off a motorbike. It’s no good. I’m wasting my time; maybe it’s all too hard. I’ll help Eric with the decorations and then go home. And I must just stop thinking about bloody Daniel.
Another hanger appears over the top of the cubicle, this time with a sapphire blue dress attached to it.
‘Señorita, you try zis on, now. Zis is ze one. Looks good, no?’
I sigh. It’s not Ramone’s fault – he’s been an angel. He’s traipsed around various shops with me, in and out of department stores looking for lipstick. (He was quite enjoying himself though, spraying himself with the latest aftershaves, then chasing me round with a new shade of eye shadow to try on). But he’s been quite bossy with his outfit advice. No, not your colour, zis is too pink. No, makes you look like elephant and I know you are now how you say, gizelle?
‘Gazelle, Ramone, but I don’t actually think I am.’
‘Yes, you are! No more baby tummy, no more Budget Fishy things, eugh! Ramone feed you properly!’
He might be right. I slip on the sapphire dress. It’s a size ten – I just checked the label. It glides over my hips and ruffles just the right way around my still-large bust, pushing it pleasingly upwards. I have been good over the last few weeks and expressing the milk has helped, but I’ve stopped that now. I’ve been able to spend some time using the gym these days as well as cleaning it one day a week; and it’s been so nice – for once in my life – to spend a bit of money on myself.
Suzie gave me the cheque a few weeks ago, so as well as paying off Paul, I’ve caught up with my rent, put quite a bit aside in case Tyler does get on his course, cleared some debts and spent a little on a proper haircut.
I took ages with my make-up this morning before Ramone arrived so I could try on these dresses and look the part. It really matters. I want to look good for this ball; I want to look the part for once and I’m trying to ignore why it matters so much…
Suzie let slip the last time we were on the phone that Daniel was probably going to be there. She wasn’t sure, she said, but she’d bumped into Eric at one of her baby massage classes (Eric had been doing the woman’s garden) and had told her who he’d invited. Daniel was going, yes just Daniel, she’d said as my heart missed a beat. Suzie had said Eric had been grinning from ear to ear saying it was going to be quite a night and that he definitely needed their help with decorating.
‘Out you come, Señorita, you show me,’ Ramone is cajoling me from outside.
I open the changing cubicle’s door and peep round. Ramone is standing next to the mirror with his hands on his hips. His silver necklace glints in the bright shop lights. ‘Out! Let me see! Oh, hola, S
eñorita!’
I look left, then right, then gingerly step outside, wearing the shop’s stilettos, and stand in front of the full-length mirror with Ramone by my side. Ramone lets out a low wolf whistle; even the shop assistant looks up from the counter and beams at me. ‘Knockout,’ she says and I know I will buy this dress. I haven’t felt this good in ages.
The dark inky blue dress is perfect against my pale skin and my chestnut hair is somehow behaving today. The dress sets off my bust with its tiny diamante beads across the neckline, and yet the rest is so sleek, the dress must be magic!
As I turn around, looking in the mirror, I see a person I don’t recognise. There, in front of me is a slim, elegant woman with a smile on her face. I can’t wait to see if Daniel will make it to the ball. I feel like a schoolgirl again with the excitement but then my heart sinks just as quickly when I think about him with a girlfriend. Will he really be on his own?
‘Yes, I am good at colours, sí?’ Ramone interrupts my thoughts. ‘This dress, it’s made for you. And your hair, we wear it up, no? Show off your beautiful face, Señorita?’ He looks at me in the mirror and softly holds my hair up in a loose ponytail. ‘See, Señorita, fabulous.’
And, for once, I actually think I might be.
*
We’re in a central London hotel – totally posh, with doormen – in the basement, in the ballroom: me, Suzie, Ramone, Eric and Joyce. To get here we had to walk down an enormous staircase, covered in a red carpet, right out of Gone With The Wind, Joyce had laughed as she slid her hand down the bannister and descended quietly to the basement ballroom. She’s acting very efficient and schoolteachery, telling us what to do. She’s tying bows on the backs of chairs – organza silk she told me in the car on the way here – standing up and admiring each one. It looks amazing, like a fairy-tale ballroom. There is an enormous dance floor, completely dominating the room.