‘Should I buy him something for Christmas? You know, to make up for it.’ She looks unsure.
‘I don’t know. What do you think?’
‘I kind of want to. After today. But what if he thinks it means something?’
‘Then don’t.’
Sarah turns around. ‘What are you two talking about?’
Alex shrugs. ‘I was just wondering if I should buy Louis a Christmas present.’
‘Of course you should,’ Rebecca butts in.
‘I don’t know,’ Alex says.
‘You could make it from Maggie,’ Sarah suggests.
‘That’s a great idea,’ Alex says, cheering up.
And I get what Sarah likes about Rebecca. She’s just like her. Impulsive. Optimistic. She just goes for things. Doesn’t worry.
‘What are you getting Mark?’ Sarah asks me.
‘I don’t know. I was thinking a Kindle. But he likes books. You know, physical books. He likes to hold them. Smell them. Feel them. Re-read them. Build cities with them.’
Sarah and Alex laugh.
‘Build cities?’ Rebecca asks, as if that’s weird.
‘Yeah, cities,’ I say, like I mean, do you’ve a problem with that?
‘Cool,’ she says.
Sarah and Alex look at me like they can’t believe I’m being so touchy.
It’s tradition to go back to my place after Christmas shopping. Mum makes us homemade cookies in the shape of Christmas trees and stars. We have them with hot chocolate, then wrap our presents together. It wouldn’t feel right with someone else along. All day, I’m waiting for Rebecca to say she has to go. She doesn’t. At around three, we’re all ready to collapse when Alex says, ‘Will we head?’
‘Yeah, OK,’ I say.
Sarah turns to Rebecca. ‘Hey, we’re going back to Rachel’s if you want to come.’
Excuse me? Hello? I think. But then, this is just Sarah being Sarah. It’d never occur to her that I wouldn’t want Rebecca to come.
‘Yeah, that’d be great,’ Rebecca says excitedly, like she’s been formally invited into the group.
Alex looks at me as if to say when did we become a foursome? And I feel a bit better.
We get a taxi because it’s hard to get to my house from Dundrum. On the way home, disappointment changes to nerves. I don’t want Rebecca in my house. I don’t want to expose my mum to her. I don’t want to expose everything I love to her. I know she’s changed. They’re still my family. And how are they going to react to her? I know Mum won’t say anything. But Jack. Jesus. He better not be home.
When I open the front door, Mum has Christmas carols on. The house is warm and a fire is blazing in the front room. I have this awful feeling that Rebecca’s going to laugh at everything.
‘This is so cosy,’ she says, like it’s great.
We drop our bags in the hall and go into the kitchen. Mum’s halfway through hugging Alex when she realises who the extra person is. She’s staring. I think, Oh shit. But then she recovers, finishes Alex’s hug and moves on to Sarah. But she just smiles at Rebecca.
‘Mum this is Rebecca,’ I say. Because I don’t want her to have to say she recognises her from TV.
‘Hi, Rebecca. Welcome.’ Then she turns to us. ‘So how was Dundrum?’
‘Packed,’ Alex says.
‘But good,’ Rebecca adds.
‘Why don’t you all sit down and I’ll make some hot chocolate?’ Mum says.
‘That’d be so cool,’ Rebecca says.
Mum looks at her, then at me, then goes to make the hot chocolate. Everyone sits down. I go and get the cookies. Mum’s bought schmaltzy Christmas serviettes, the kind you’d never put in front of a bully. I’m so close to leaving them behind. Then, I think, Mum got these. I carry them to the table with the cookies.
The minute the plate hits the table, three hands automatically reach out. Which makes me want to laugh.
‘Oh, my God, you’re such a great cook,’ Rebecca says to Mum after her first bite.
Mum’s smile is polite. ‘Thank you.’
We chat about the decorations in Dundrum, about what we’re going to do for Christmas - sleep basically, we talk about our favourite presents.
Then Jack comes into the kitchen.
He says hi to Alex and Sarah. Then he cops Rebecca. He looks at me as if to say, are you mad? Then he just stands and glares at her.
‘Jack, this is Rebecca from D4,’ Sarah says.
‘I know who she is.’ Ice.
‘Eh, Jack,’ Mum says. ‘Can I’ve a hand, here?’
He walks right up to us, still glaring at Rebecca. He takes three biscuits, then finally goes over to Mum. She speaks so quietly, we can’t hear. Luckily.
It’s the first time I’ve ever seen Rebecca blush.
And I know when he leaves that he’s holding himself back.
When we’ve finished, we collect all our bags from the hall and carry them up to my room.
As soon as we get inside, Rebecca turns to me, ‘Rachel, your brother is seriously hot.’
I stare at her. Didn’t she see? Or is she just pretending she didn’t? Will I ever fully trust her? I say nothing, just take the wrapping paper out of its cellophane cover. I’ve three pairs of scissors and three Sellotapes ready for action. We all sit on the floor.
‘What about the presents we got each other?’ Rebecca asks. ‘We can’t exactly wrap them now, can we? Why don’t we just give them to each other? I hate waiting.’
I look at Sarah and Alex. They look at me. That awkward moment when someone buys you a gift and you don’t have one for them.
‘Yeah, no,’ Sarah says. ‘Wrap them at home. We’ll swap closer to Christmas.’
OK, she’s saved our asses. But now we have to a) buy Rebecca a gift and b) see her again before Christmas.
‘Cool,’ Rebecca says.
At around six, the others leave. I close the door and turn to see Jack on the stairs.
‘You’re hanging out with Rebecca French? Are you fucking kidding me?’
It’s like hearing my inner voice. ‘She’s OK.’
‘Like Hannibal Lecter is OK.’
‘She’s changed.’
Mum comes out from the kitchen.
‘It’s good that they’re friends,’ she says to him. ‘What do they say, keep your enemies close?’
‘She’s not my enemy.’
‘I know,’ Mum says, ‘but if you’re friends, she can’t exactly give you a hard time.’
Jack rolls his eyes. And I know what he’s thinking: How can she have survived in this world for so long?
‘For the record,’ I say, ‘we’re not friends. Sarah asked her along today. I don’t know why she’s good for Sarah, but she is. And I’m not going to get in the way.’
‘Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you,’ Jack says and heads up to his room.
‘Thanks, Jack,’ I say sarcastically.
On Sunday morning, I’m having breakfast. I’ve caught up on everything now - sleep, study, life. The forecast says it might snow, so I’m feeling pretty good.
Dad grabs a coffee and sits at the table. It’s nice that it’s just the two of us, he reads the paper and I enjoy having nothing to do. I help myself to the glossy magazine section. I put it on the table next to my bowl and flick leisurely through it with my left hand. God, it’s good to read rubbish.
Dad starts to read aloud from the paper. ‘Spotted on the town, two new besties, teen stars of D4, the gorgeous Rebecca French and newcomer Rachel Dunne, out Christmas shopping together in Dundrum. Isn’t it wonderful when rivals can be friends?’
I drop my spoon and put my hands out for the paper. He passes it over.
‘Bottom right-hand corner,’ he says.
It’s a tiny piece in a social column. And it’s exactly as Dad read it. How did it get in there? How did they know we were in Dundrum? And besties? What will Rachel and Sarah think? I hand it back to him.
‘Don’t show Jack.’
‘Why
not?’ he asks. And I realise Mum hasn’t told him.
‘He thinks I should avoid her.’
‘He might be right,’ he says, his opinion the opposite of Mum’s as it always is when it comes to me. Suddenly, I’ve lost my appetite. I get up and throw the rest of my cereal into the bin. I go upstairs, hoping no one reads the paper.
I’m heading for the shower when my phone rings.
‘Did you see the paper?’ Rebecca asks excitedly.
‘How did they know we were in Dundrum?’
‘I told them.’
‘What?’
‘Yeah. I met that columnist once, at an opening or something. He said to give him a shout anytime I’d news.’
‘Is this news?’
‘For some people, yeah.’
‘People who’ve no lives.’
She laughs. ‘Doesn’t matter. It’s good to keep your name in the paper. D4 are less likely to cancel your contract. And they love the publicity for the show.’
It’s as if life is a game she knows how to play. She’s forgotten something though.
‘I’m kinda surprised you didn’t tell me you were doing this.’
‘I wanted it to be a surprise. I thought you’d be blown away.’ There’s a pause. ‘You’re not, though, are you?’
‘I’m just glad you didn’t mention Alex’s name. She hates publicity.’
‘I kind of got that vibe, which is why I didn’t.’
‘OK.’
‘You don’t mind, do you, that I did it?’
‘It’s OK. But if you’re ever going to mention me in the paper again, it’d be great if you’d check with me first. Just in case.’
‘Oh. OK. Sure.’ She sounds surprised. ‘Sorry,’ she says.
‘Don’t worry about it.’
And now, before it gets any later, I have to go around Dundrum wondering what Christmas present to buy the girl who once made my life hell.
It’s almost Christmas. Sarah wants us to meet Rebecca to exchange gifts. We get the DART into town. Alex brings Maggie, to show her the Christmas lights. Not that she’ll actually see them she’s so small. But it’s the thought. We arrange to get the same DART as Rebecca, who lives closer to town.
She misses it. So we have to wait for her in town.
We find a coffee shop, so Maggie’s not cold.
Half an hour later, she shows up. ‘I’m so sorry. Oh, my God, is that Maggie?’ She raves about how beautiful she is, how like Alex.
‘Really?’ Alex asks enthusiastically. ‘The only other person who thinks she looks like me is Louis. Good to know that there’s a bit of me in her too.’ Alex smiles but she sounds almost hurt. And I can’t believe I never thought of that.
‘Oh there definitely is,’ Rebecca says enthusiastically. ‘I think she’s really like you.’
It’s seriously cold outside, so we stay in the coffee shop to exchange presents. Prize for the best one goes to Rebecca. A trip to a day spa for Sarah.
‘It’s too much,’ Sarah says.
‘No. I got a special deal because I booked for two people. You and me.’
Sarah touches her heart. ‘That’s so sweet.’
And I have to admit it is. And thoughtful. Not only is it exactly what Sarah would love, she hasn’t embarrassed her with the price of it.
On the way back, we’re all standing on the platform, waiting for the DART. It pulls up in front of us. Suddenly I’m back in time. I’m with Rebecca. And Béibhinn Keane. And two others. The doors of the DART slide open. I walk forward. They walk with me. I step onto the DART. Suddenly, I’m alone. I turn around. Out on the platform, they’re standing looking at me, laughing and then turning to high five each other, as the doors close. And as the DART pulls away, I want to die.
‘Don’t mind them,’ a woman says.
I turn in surprise. She’s seen it all. I look around. Everyone in the carriage has. I’m a loser even to strangers.
Now, I take my seat, remembering what it’s like, trying not to cry on public transport.
TWELVE | The Princess and the Pea
My older brother Harry’s coming home for Christmas dinner. This is good. He’s bringing his new girlfriend, Jessica - which is not so good. I was looking forward to us just being a family again, not having to be polite to some stranger. I have told Mum we are not watching the Christmas special with non-family members. She’s taping it.
They arrive late. She looks like Snow White. Her hair is black and shiny, like an ad for shampoo. She doesn’t have individual hairs but one shiny curtain. I imagine her swishing it around.
Oh, my God, he’s pulling out a chair for her. Nobody does that. Especially not Harry.
I help Mum serve the dinner, like I always do at Christmas. It’s the one time I don’t mind. Today, though, I feel like a waitress, serving a princess.
Mum and Dad make polite conversation with Jessica. Where she’s from. (Terenure.) How many in her family. (Four.) How they met. (College.) It’s exhausting.
Jack and I stay quiet. I hope they’re not hanging around for the whole afternoon.
‘So, Rache,’ Harry says, finally. ‘Got enough Brussels sprouts there?’
I stop shaking the salt and look down at the plate. Everyone does. There’s not an awful lot on it, besides the Brussels sprouts. And I hate Brussels sprouts.
‘Are you on a diet?’ Jessica asks.
I feel Mum, especially, look at me.
‘No.’
‘You don’t even like Brussels sprouts,’ Harry says.
What’s he doing, trying to act the big man? Impress his new girlfriend? He’s never like this.
‘What’s it to you?’ Jack asks.
I hate the way he thinks I can’t stand up for myself.
‘How’s the study going, Jack?’ Harry teases.
‘Harry, why are you being such an asshole?’ I ask calmly.
‘Rachel!’ Dad says. ‘Language.’
Jessica smiles. And it hits me - when Jack falls in love, I’m going to be like one of those mothers who no girl will be good enough for.
I look at Jessica.
‘What d’you think of that fairytale, The Princess and the Pea?’ I ask her.
‘I’m sorry?’ She looks confused.
‘You know the one where the princess can’t sleep because there’s a pea in her bed.’ She’s that precious.
‘Is that a trick question?’ she asks. Which means she’s not completely stupid.
‘No,’ I say innocently.
‘Let’s pull some crackers,’ Mum says cheerfully. She knows I hate The Princess and the Pea. She knows what I’m doing.
Mum points a cracker at me. I can’t help it. I smile. Because she gets me.
The holidays go way too fast. As usual. The day before we go back, I still haven’t told Mark about the sex scene. We get back to his house after being out all day. In the hall, we hang up our coats, then he takes off, racing up the stairs.
‘Where are you going?’ I call after him.
But he’s gone.
When I open the door to his bedroom, he’s draped across the bed, fake seductively.
‘I’ve been expecting you,’ he says, raising and lowering his eyebrows.
I laugh.
He gets up, comes over and kisses me. After a while, he pulls back.
‘You know, I was thinking, what if Naomi has the surgery?’
‘You’re as bad as Peter Sweetnam.’
‘Can’t help it. I’ve developed feelings for her.’
He always makes me laugh. It’s like a lifetime guarantee.
‘Seriously, though,’ he says. ‘If they’re talking about surgery they might want to keep you on.’
‘It’s surgery to relieve her symptoms.’
‘I know but what if they operate and somehow get the tumour? Maybe that’s where they’re going with this. Think about it. The amount of hits you get on YouTube now. The ratings must have gone way up since you joined. Don’t be surprised if they want to keep you on.�
�
‘Don’t be surprised if they don’t.’ The only thing I’m sure that’s going to happen is the sex scene.
‘What?’ he asks.
‘Nothing.’
‘There’s something.’
‘It’s nothing. I’ll tell you later.’
I go sit on the bed and pick up the book that’s lying open on it: The Rules. A Man’s Guide to Life - Revised and updated (Because being a man has gotten much harder). I flick through it and start to smile.
‘It says here that calling your penis Seňor whatever won’t make you appear more worldly.’
‘This is true,’ he says knowledgeably.
I flick forward a few pages. ‘It also says that when trying to impress the ladies with your musical skills you should never opt for an accordion, your knee, cymbals, or a lute.’ I smile. ‘True.’
‘Damn. I’ve just bought a lute.’
I flick on a few pages. ‘Apparently, you shouldn’t trust a woman who refers to her boobs as separate entities, like “the girls”.’
‘You don’t do that do you?’
‘No, Mark.’ If only he was an actor. Then I wouldn’t have to explain about sex scenes. He’d just get that it’s part of the job. Out of that thought comes the most amazing idea.
‘Guess what? They’re auditioning for teenage parts in D4.’
He picks up his sponge ball. ‘Yeah?’ he says, like he’s trying to sound interested.
‘Why don’t you go up for one?’
He laughs. ‘No, thanks,’ he says, slam dunking the ball into the hoop on the back of his door.
‘Why not? It’d be great. Think of all the time we’d have together.’
He holds the ball to his chest. ‘Acting’s your thing, Rache. Not mine.’
‘That’s so not true. You were an amazing Macbeth.’
‘I took the part to be with you. You know that. I didn’t actually enjoy prancing around in tights.’
‘There’s no tights in D4. Come on. It’d be so much fun. We could rehearse together.’
‘We already do.’
The Butterfly Novels Box Set: Contemporary YA Series (And By The Way; And For Your Information; And Actually) Page 68