‘If you need to be somewhere,’ he says. ‘I don’t mind. We can leave it.’
‘I don’t need to be anywhere.’
It’s like the mood has changed.
We pick a movie, buy popcorn and drinks. But he’s so quiet, so gloomy, I start to think that this was a mistake, that I imagined the whole thing in the bowling alley. And now I’m gloomy too. We go inside. I wish now we’d just left. Everything’s changed.
We get seats up at the back. Like we used to do. Of course, he keeps his legs to himself instead of throwing one over one of mine. The trailers start and I’m insanely aware of him beside me. Every time he moves, I notice. Hand to face. Fingers through hair. Shifting in seat. I’m so freaking stressed.
The movie’s just OK.
‘So, what did you think?’ he asks, afterwards as we’re walking out. He seems cheerful again.
I stare at him. It’s like we’re in two different places. ‘It was OK.’
‘Just OK?’
‘I don’t know, Mark.’
‘What’s wrong?’
I shrug. ‘I don’t think this friends thing is working out. Maybe we could be friends in a group or at school or something. But not like this . . . I should go.’
He blushes. ‘OK.’
I so want to kiss him. ‘Do you want a lift?’
‘No thanks, it’s fine. I’ll get a taxi.’
He nods. And looks so alone.
All the way to Alex’s, I’m trying not to cry. I don’t know what happened. What went wrong. All I know is that we’ll never get back together now and I was stupid to ever think that we might. ‘Somebody That I Used To Know,’ comes on the radio. I’ve listened to that song millions of times. Now it is my life.
By the time I get to Alex’s, it’s six.
‘Where were you?’ she asks.
‘I met Mark.’
‘Ooooh,’ she says, bouncing her eyebrows around.
‘The whole friends thing is crap.’
‘What happened?’
‘Nothing . . .’ I sigh. ‘It’s just so hard when a person doesn’t love you back.’
‘Tell me about it.’
I look at her.
‘OK, so I don’t just fancy Louis. I love him.’
‘Are you sure?’ I ask, like it’s this awful disease. Which, it, is.
‘I want to be with him all the time,’ she says. ‘When I see him, my heart flips. When he’s not there, I’m thinking about him.’
The classic symptoms. I have them too.
‘I love everything about him, Rache. I love the way he drums the air when he’s no sticks. I love the way he sings to Maggie when he thinks I’m not listening. I love the way he nibbles on those freaking carrots. I love the way he never makes a big deal about the stuff he does, like giving up smoking or getting me to go out and have fun. I love the way he’s got back into his music, turned his life around. I so love him, Rache.’
I think about everything I love about Mark. The way his hair does it’s own thing. The way he frowns when he drives. And zones out when he reads. The way he follows Mum into the kitchen in search of home cooking. The way, at eighteen, he still draws fake eyebrows and wants to test them on the world.
‘How do you make a person love you?’ Alex asks. ‘You don’t have, like, a magic potion, do you?’
‘If I had, I’d have used it - I’d have given you some, obviously.’
‘Maybe if we just tell them we love them anyway,’ she says finally.
‘That’s how I split up with Mark.’
‘What? You told him you loved him and he dropped you?’ She sounds shocked.
‘It’s complicated.’
‘Well, uncomplicate it for me.’
I do.
‘Rachel, he’s never said he stopped loving you.’
‘He wants to be friends. He knows I love him. If he still loved me, he’d have asked me out. Today, I thought he might have fancied me? Then I thought the total opposite. Being friends is just too hard. I told him it wasn’t going to work.’
‘What did he say?’
I shrug with one shoulder. ‘He offered me a lift home.’
‘At least he cared how you got home.’
‘He didn’t argue, though, did he?’
We sit there for ages, just gazing at Maggie, sleeping in her cot.
‘It’d be so much easier if they’d never fancied us,’ Alex says finally.
‘I know.’
‘And if they weren’t so freaking caliente.’
‘True.’
‘What’ll we do?’
‘Put them out of our heads,’ I say.
‘Louis has a gig next Friday. I’ll probably die of frustration watching him up there, banging away on his kit.’
‘Don’t be such a perv.’
She laughs.
‘Does he want us all to come?’ I ask.
‘He’s holding us a place.’
And I get how frustrating that is for her.
TWENTY-EIGHT | Red Dress
My last scene in D4 is the way I wanted it - and the way Naomi would have wanted it. There will be even more publicity than when we covered bullying. If it helps just one person, it’s worth it. I’ll miss Naomi. And, now that I’m finishing up, I’ll miss D4. I’ll miss Maisie. Emily. The life.
They throw a party for me and Josh. Which is more like a little fuss - with cake. They show some clips. I remember what was going on at the time. All that stuff with Rebecca. I look at Josh and think how great it must be knowing that, from here on, it’s the big time. Or at least a giant step in that direction. After some short official speeches, Emily comes over to me.
‘I’m sorry you couldn’t stay longer,’ she says.
‘It kind of feels like my time is up.’
‘You were one of the most loved and hated characters we’ve ever had on the show.’
‘I felt it,’ I joke. Because I can now. She's no longer my boss.
‘It was hard for you, sometimes.’
I shrug. ‘I learned so much.’ About life.
‘Well, just so you know, I’ll be recommending you to people in the industry. You won’t be waiting long for a part.’
Wow. ‘Thank you.’
She actually hugs me. ‘I’ll be in touch with Charley if I hear of anything.’
‘Thanks.’
She goes over to Maisie.
I look at Josh. For a split second, there’s no one with him. So I go up to him. It might be my last chance to say goodbye.
‘Hey. Just wanted to say good luck.’
He beams like he is seriously happy. And I so get that. ‘Here, give us a hug.’
As we hug, he pats my back, which makes me smile. He pulls back, then whips something from the pocket of his jeans.
I laugh. ‘A business card?’
‘That’s Hollywood,’ he says in an American accent.
‘You’d actually need them, there, wouldn’t you?’
‘Hey, email me some shots and links to your work. I’ll be meeting people out there, talent scouts, casting agents. I’ll do what I can.’
‘Really? Oh, my God. Thank you so much.’
‘Can’t promise anything.’
‘I know, I know.’ It’s the thought. And it’s such a surprise. He didn’t have to. But then I think, not everyone’s like Rebecca French. Good people do exist.
‘Take it easy,’ he says and bangs me on the upper arm. Then he’s gone.
People are starting to leave. Maisie comes over and we walk back to the dressing room together.
I start to pack up my stuff. There isn’t much.
Maisie watches me. ‘I’ll miss you around here.’
I stop what I’m doing, look up. ‘I’ll miss you too. More than anyone. By far.’
‘You know, I’ve been thinking of calling it a day. Taking some time off. Do the Camino.’
‘The what?’
‘The Camino. It’s a pilgrimage in Spain.’
‘Are you religio
us?’
She laughs hard. ‘No. But after watching Martin Sheen in The Way, I’ve decided that I need adventure. I’m no spring chicken. I’ve more money than I need. And here I am stuck in a day job.’
‘You should do it.’
‘I should, shouldn’t I? Who knows, I might meet a decent man.’ She pauses. ‘Or an indecent one,’ she says, like it’s a better option.
I laugh. Then remember the passion in her poems. ‘Do it.’
She nods slowly, like she’s making her mind up. ‘All right. I will.’
‘Yay.’ I smile and hug her. ‘You better get an iPhone, because we are playing Internet Scrabble no matter where you are.’
‘Deal.’
In school, Mark avoids me completely. Doesn’t even look at me - or even sneak-look. It’s like I don’t exist. Sometimes I think I’ve made a mistake, that being friends would be better than this. Then I think, no, at least this is honest. I don’t want to be his friend. I wonder how two people who were so together can grow so apart. And how, in that apartness, one of them can still love the other, so freaking much. And hate him at the same time.
On Friday night, Undertow are playing their first real gig. Alex’s dad’s driver, Mike, drives us into town. Alex is chatting all the way in. Sarah’s quiet, the way she goes sometimes, and I know that, for a few minutes, she’s forgotten about living till she dies, and is thinking of Shane.
‘I hope they fill the venue,’ Alex says. ‘I think there are some music journalists coming. God, I wish they’d a manager.’
‘They’ll be great,’ I say.
Mike pulls up outside. It’s raining and we hurry inside.
The place is mobbed. Louis has kept us seats. This time, though, he doesn’t come out to say hello. Alex goes a bit quiet. When they finally come on stage, though, her eyes go straight to him.
I recognise the first song from before - but it’s better. It’s like they’re more comfortable with each other now, more confident. Alex sings along to all the songs but I forgive her. Love, right?
It’s well into the concert when they stop playing. The stage goes dark. A spotlight is turned on Louis. Then he looks over to where we’re sitting and says, ‘This one’s for Maggie.’
Alex touches her heart.
We all look at each other and smile. It’s like our baby is up on stage.
Louis starts up on the drums. Then he is singing - just Louis. And the song isn’t just for Maggie, it’s about her. How she’s changed his life. I know that people listening think Maggie is probably some girlfriend somewhere. That she’s his little girl makes it so much better.
‘Oh, my God,’ says Alex. ‘Can we tape it? Can we tape it? Who’s got their phone?’
I fumble mine on. I hit video and zoom in on Louis. And I don’t know if it’s because I’m focused so closely on him and only him but it’s like a light going on. I see everything Alex does. His love for Maggie. The way he’s turned his life around. His passion for music. And his general hotness. I want what she wants - for him to love her, for them to get together.
The song ends. There’s a second’s silence then huge applause. Someone shouts out his name. But Louis just sees Alex. He smiles over like only they can really share this moment. And I think, the way he’s looking at her right now has to mean something. Even I have goosebumps. I switch off the video. And look at Alex. She’s smiling up at him, a tear sneaking down her face.
The stage lights up again and James is back up front. It hits me, suddenly. They’re going to be huge.
When the show’s over, Louis comes out to us.
‘That was amazing,’ Alex says. She looks so excited, so young. ‘I didn’t know you could sing.’
‘I can’t.’
‘Or write.’
‘Can’t either.’
‘Eh, hello? That was amazing.’
‘That was Maggie. It was different.’
‘You can say that again.’
People start crowding around, looking for photos with Louis, looking for autographs. It’s happening so fast for them. Louis is really generous to everyone but as soon as he can, he escapes.
We go outside and queue up for our coats. After a while, my phone goes off. Only it’s not my phone. It’s someone with the same ringtone. I can’t find mine. Damn.
‘I left my phone inside,’ I say. I rush back in.
Already they’ve started cleaning up. There’s a couple kissing at the door to the stage. I recognise the red dress. But not just the dress - the girl. It’s Rebecca. Oh, my God, the guy is Louis. I think of Alex, so excited out there. So freaking in love. Then, I think, if I don’t hurry up, she’ll come looking for me and see this. I dive onto the seat, jabbing my hands down the back. There it is! I grab it and turn to go. Rebecca is walking towards me. Louis is watching her go. He sees me. They both do, at the same time. He looks in total shock. She looks happy.
‘Hello, loser,’ she says just as she’s about to pass.
I don’t think, just stick out my foot. She stumbles forward trying to stay up but she’s going too fast and after four steps falls onto her hands and knees. It is the most beautiful sight. I walk out past her. At the door, I look back. Louis is gone.
‘Did you find it?’ Alex asks me, all concerned. I want to punch Louis in the face. I know he’s not going out with Alex, I know that technically he can kiss whoever he likes. Still, I hoped he’d changed.
I hold up my phone.
‘Cool,’ she says. Then she turns to Sarah. ‘You never told me about the song for Maggie.’ She touches her heart again.
‘I didn’t know.’
‘If Dad heard it, he’d change his mind about Louis. I know he would.’
I should tell her. I can’t, though. Not now. Not when she’s so happy. Maybe tomorrow.
Then again, maybe not.
My phone wakes me at ten, next morning. I don’t recognise the number.
‘We need to talk.’
‘Who’s this?’ I ask, though I’m pretty sure I know.
‘It’s Louis. Sorry. Got your number from Sarah’s phone.’
‘What do you want?’ I ask coldly.
‘Can you meet for coffee?’
‘Why?’
‘To explain.’
‘So explain.’
‘Not on the phone. Can you meet up? It’s important.’
‘For who, you?’
‘For Alex - and Maggie.’
I sigh. ‘All right. What time?’
‘As soon as you’re free,’ he says, like he’s relieved that we’re going to talk.
We arrange to meet at twelve in a coffee shop we never go to.
‘Rebecca French,’ I say when we’re sitting. ‘I thought you’d have better taste.’
‘I do.’
‘So why were you snogging her?’
‘She was snogging me.’
I laugh and shake my head. Guys.
‘Look, I got a message to say my sister was looking for me. I came out and that psycho jumped me. I pushed her off. You saw that, right?’
‘No.’
‘Well that’s what happened.’
Sure, I think.
His eyes narrow. ‘You’ve never liked me, have you?’ So that’s why he never looks at me.
‘Actually, I’d started to.’
It’s like he hasn’t heard. ‘Not that it matters what anyone thinks.’ His voice softens. ‘Except Alex.’
I look at him.
‘Don’t tell her what happened. Please. I know we’re not together, but I don’t want her to think there’s anyone else - because there isn’t and there never will be.’
‘Never?’
‘She and Maggie are my life. I’d never do anything to risk that.’
Oh my God. ‘You love her, don’t you?’
He says nothing but his eyes give him away.
‘Tell her.’
He shakes his head.
‘Why not?’
‘She’s seventeen. She doesn’t want
a big heavy relationship in her life. And that’s the only kind I’d want with Alex. Anything else would end and I’d lose them both. This way, we stay together, the three of us. We see each other every day. Like a family.’
‘She thinks you don’t like her.’
He smiles sadly. ‘I love her.’
‘Explain. I don’t know, you could make a pact - if it doesn’t work out, you stay friends.’
‘Tell me one person who’s stayed friends after they’ve split up.’
I feel like laughing. And crying.
He looks at me for a very long time. ‘Don’t say anything to her. Please.’
‘She loves you, Louis.’ I know she’d want me to tell him. ‘And you know what Sarah says - live till you die. You could die next year, Louis.’
‘Or I could lose them both. Don’t say anything, Rachel, please. Especially, don’t tell her I love her.’
‘You’re making a mistake.’
‘Maybe.’
‘All right, I won’t say anything.’ Because there’s always the future.
‘Thank you.’ He looks relieved.
‘By the way, you’re wrong, Louis. I do like you.’ And it if it wasn’t for Rebecca I wouldn’t know just how much. So, thanks again, Rebecca for being so accidentally helpful. I wonder why she did it. Because she fancied Louis? Or to hurt me by hurting Alex? Whatever her reason, it hasn’t worked.
TWENTY-NINE | Cold
Monday morning, Mark comes over to my locker. I’m thinking, Please let him want to try again. Friends is fine. Friends is better than nothing. Stop, Rachel. You don’t want friends.
‘Saw your friend, Josh, has got some big movie deal,’ he says.
I look at him in surprise. ‘Where did you hear that?’
‘He was on the Late Late Show on Friday. Didn’t you know?’
‘I never watch the Late Late.’ He knows that.
The bell goes and I turn to get my English books.
‘You’ll miss him.’
‘What?’ I turn back with my books.
‘I said, you’ll miss him.’
‘Not really. This is a great chance for him.’
‘You don’t sound too concerned.’
‘About what?’
‘He’s moving to the States.’
The Butterfly Novels Box Set: Contemporary YA Series (And By The Way; And For Your Information; And Actually) Page 80