‘But there’s no service up there.’
‘I found service. Eventually,’ she says proudly. ‘I didn’t leave you, though. I covered you with my coat. Then walked around like a lunatic till I found coverage. I could always see you. I never left you alone. I was so worried, Rache. I thought I’d lose you too. You were so pale. There was blood everywhere.’
I feel my head. So it’s not a hat.
‘You’ve a few stitches.’
I think of my face, my acting.
‘They’re in your scalp,’ she says, like she can read my mind. ‘So you can’t go shaving your head. Unless you want to look tough. That’d work, though.’
‘Are you OK?’ I ask her.
‘I thought we were going to die,’ she says.
‘Me too.’
‘I didn’t want to.’ She sounds surprised. And I realise then what she’s really saying. She laughs like she can’t believe it. ‘I don’t want to die, Rachey.’
‘Thank Christ.’
‘I want to live.’
I smile and squeeze her hand. ‘You’re not the only one.’
‘I’m going to call Shane’s mum.’
I look at her.
‘I thought we’d make each other sad, so I didn’t,’ she says. ‘We could help each other though. Remember him together.’
I smile. Then remember someone else. ‘You know, there was something else Shane wanted you to do. That you could do now.’
She looks at me hopefully.
‘Look out for Peter.’ Shane’s best friend.
Her face falls.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘He called a few times to see if I was OK. I blew him off.’
I remember a phone call. ‘He’ll understand. He’s probably been blowing people off all over the place himself.’
She thinks about that. ‘Probably not.’
‘Look, all I know is, he’s a good guy and Shane wanted you to look out for each other.’
She looks down, fiddles with her bag. After a while, she looks up, guiltily. ‘I thought he’d remind me of what I was missing.’
‘That’s OK. But everything’s changed now. You’ve stopped pretending, haven’t you? And you do miss him.’
She takes a deep breath, closes her eyes and breathes out. ‘You’ve no idea.’
‘But Peter will have. No one knows what you’re going through as much as him.’
No reaction.
‘Maybe he called you because he needed you.’
‘You think?’ For the first time, she looks hopeful. Now that it’s not about her.
‘Call him. If it doesn’t work out, you tried.’
She thinks about that, then smiles. ‘Shane did say he was a pussy.’
We laugh.
She nods. ‘OK, I’ll call him.’
‘Yay. Now get up here and give me a hug.’
We hug. Which hurts. But that doesn’t matter ‘cause I know she’ll be OK. In time.
She sits back down. ‘Mark’s been in, you know.’
‘Oh crap.’
She smiles. ‘You two.’
‘Did he say anything?’ I ask like I don’t really care.
‘Asked loads of questions. Like he was a freaking doctor. Sounded a bit like you.’ She smiles. ‘He was terrified you wouldn’t wake up, though.’
‘Yeah, and now that I have, I bet he won’t come near me.’
‘Why d’you say that?’
‘Because he’s hot and cold and hot and cold and I don’t know why he ever bothered with that whole friends thing if it’s not what he wanted.’ I can’t believe I’m crying.
And then he’s there. And Sarah’s gone.
He pulls up a chair.
‘How’re you feeling?’
Like I need Sarah back. ‘I’m OK when I don’t move.’
He says nothing for ages, then finally, ‘I was going to offer to drive you to the mountains.’
‘Are you saying that if you were driving this wouldn’t have happened?’
‘No.’
‘Then what?’
‘I’m saying that I was going to offer to drive you to the mountains.’
‘Why?’
‘To see Maisie.’
‘What do you want, Mark?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I just don’t get you any more. You’re hot and cold and—’
He leans forward and stops me speaking. With a kiss. I pull back immediately. Pain shoots all over my body.
‘What are you doing?’
‘Sorry.’ He gets up and turns his back to me. ‘Sometimes, I just want to be with you. On any terms.’
‘What are you talking about?’
He faces me then smiles sadly. ‘Can’t live with you. Can’t live without you.’
I feel like crying suddenly. ‘Mark, I don’t know what you want.’
‘To be with you. But just the two of us. I mean, I know Josh is going away and you’ll be on your own again but that’s not by choice.’
‘You think I’m with Josh? I’m not with Josh.’
‘You broke up?’
‘I was never with Josh.’
‘Then why?’
‘Why what?’
‘Why did you want to see other people? Was it someone else?’ He looks confused.
‘Mark. There was no one else. Ever. Just you. I told you why I said it. Because I thought you didn’t love me.’
‘I know but I still thought you wanted to see other people.’
I bite my lip. ‘No.’
He shakes his head like he doesn’t get me.
‘I don’t know why I said it. It just came out. Maybe because I didn’t want you to know how much I still cared.’
He stares at me for ages. ‘You’re a complete eejit, you know that?’ But then he’s smiling, and beside me, and kissing me. And I really don’t mind that my head hurts.
‘I love you,’ he says. ‘I love you so much it freaking hurts. And, by the way, I’ve loved you since way before you loved me.’
‘How do you know? Maybe I loved you first.’
‘Did you love me on my first day at Strandbrook? Did you even notice me?’
‘Of course I noticed you - you were new.’ I think back. ‘But I was caught up with Alex back then. She’d just lost her mum. And that was everything.’
‘I know. You were like that song, ‘You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful’.’
‘That’s so corny,’ I say, but I’m thinking, Aw.
He kisses me again. Gently. Then again, and again. Tiny pecks, that leave me wanting me more.
‘So, that whole friends thing … What was that about?’ I ask.
He looks embarrassed. ‘That was me not being able to go out with you because I thought you were with Josh, but still not able to let you go.’
We look at each other for a long time. ‘Are we going to get better at this?’ I ask.
‘Jesus, I hope so.’
We laugh.
‘So, you love me?’ I tease.
‘I love you,’ he says, like it’s the easiest thing in the world to say.
And my heart is singing.
‘And there I was thinking you were a free spirit.’
‘What?’
‘Nothing. Kiss me, Caecilius.’
Being in hospital reminds me of the last time I was here, the awfulness of it, how I couldn’t listen to my parents, how I wouldn’t see Jack. He sent me letters, none of which I opened, all of which I kept. Now I can’t stop thinking of them. I need to get home.
When I do, the first thing I do is go looking for them.
I find them at the back of the top shelf in my bedroom cupboard where I’d flung them. I use the swivel chair to get them, risking death.
I sit on my bed, dust them off, sneeze, then open the first.
It’s a list. Called ‘Reasons to Live’.
1. We love you.
2. You can’t let them win.
3. You’re better than them.
> 4. You haven’t fallen in love.
5. You haven’t seen Africa, Asia, California, The Rockies.
6. You haven’t ridden a camel. Make that, ‘ridden ON a camel’.
7. You haven’t beaten me in Halo 3.
I smile. At least he’s wrong about number four.
God, I’m glad I didn’t open the letter back then. It wouldn’t have made a difference to how I felt (I was too low). And actually, I’d probably have torn it up, thrown it away. Now I have it. And it makes me see. I have won. I am better than them. And though I haven’t seen Africa, Asia, California and The Rockies, I will. I’ll ride ON a camel. And I will beat him in Halo 3. If we still have it.
I look at Uggs, sitting up on my pillow like he’s been waiting for my return. I reach over and pick him up. I smile at the face I love so much. I remember how I looked into it the night before it all started, before I got a place in D4. I was so sure about rhino hide, how it can’t be created. Turns out I was wrong.
THE END
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The Butterfly Novels Box Set: Contemporary YA Series (And By The Way; And For Your Information; And Actually) Page 82