by Nate Ball
And So It Began
The Erdians finally got down to business after we had drifted far out into the middle of the lake in our little rowboat.
The weak, battery-powered motor had died long ago. There were no oars on board, either. We were literally sitting ducks.
The lake was surrounded by a looming wall of black trees, which gave me a trapped feeling. It was a stadium of doom. I didn’t even know which direction the dock was anymore. I had a terrible feeling of being cut off from the rest of the world, and I secretly wished all those soldiers were here right now.
The night air around us began to buzz and hum. The four of us stared up as tens of thousands of Erdian spaceships descended onto the lake. They swirled around and above our heads, and I had the distinct feeling of being inside a flushing toilet bowl.
“It’s so different from this angle!” Amp shouted, climbing out of his ship.
Each of us gripped the side of the boat as it began to rock and slowly turn in a circle; the Erdian fleet was creating its own wind. The humming noise had grown quite loud. The surface of the lake sparkled as it reflected the golden glow of the swarm of ships.
My heart pounded away in my chest. I had to admit that the sight was beautiful—it was ten times better than the biggest fireworks display ever—and I had the best seat in the house.
The spinning, glowing cloud of ten thousand spaceships dropped lower and lower over the surface of the lake in perfect formation. It occurred to me that nobody in history had even seen such a thing.
With shocking precision, all the ships stopped in an instant, creating a ceiling of spaceships about ten feet over the water. In the silence that followed, I was certain I could hear my own heart beating.
A green line that looked like a backward S appeared on the side of Amp’s spaceship.
“Now what?” I whispered.
“Oh no,” he said, leaning so close to the glowing letter that his face turned from blue to green. “It can’t be!”
“Are we about to be vaporized?” Olivia asked in a trembly voice.
“We tried our best, guys,” I said, looking down. “Thanks for everything.”
Mr. Larry patted me softly on the back. “I never got to see Paris.” He sighed. I looked over my shoulder, and he was staring up with watery eyes at the glowing ships.
“Well?” Olivia said after a few seconds went by. “Are they about to start shooting lasers or something, Amp?”
“It’s worse than that,” Amp said, still staring at the glowing shape.
“What could be worse than being melted by an alien space laser?!” Olivia shouted, her voice having a hollow, inside-a-big-room quality.
“Yeah, Amp, if I get vaporized, I will never forgive you,” I said.
“The Kaloofa is here,” he whispered. “This has never happened.”
“What the heck is a Kaloofa?” Olivia asked.
I gulped. “Is that some kind of nasty, planet-destroying weapon?”
Amp pulled his face away from the glowing backward S and looked at me, then at Olivia. “It’s not a thing. It’s a who.”
When he didn’t add anything else, Olivia grunted. “Yeah, okay, then who is that and why should we care?”
I shook my head at Amp. “Even at the end of the world you’re annoying.”
Amp pulled on both of his antennas and stared into the lake with an odd expression. “This ‘who’ only happens to be the Most Supreme Erdian Empress.”
“Oh? She’s come to watch the destruction, eh?” I asked.
He twisted his antennas. “My great-uncle saw her in a parade once. She even looked in his direction.”
“Hey,” Olivia said, “what kind of queen travels through space and time just to pick on a few kids and an old man in a boat?” She paused. “Sorry, Grandpa.”
Mr. Larry made a forgiving humming sound behind me.
Amp shook his head. “No, you two don’t understand. The Erdian Kaloofa is like a king, a queen, a president, Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy all rolled into one Erdian.”
“We should have gotten her a gift,” Olivia grumbled.
“This is not good,” Amp said in a panicky voice. He began to pace in circles on his seat in the middle of the boat. “Look at me! I am not prepared! We need flowers. And a feast. And a band. And festive lights. And I need to take a bath. Does anyone have a toothbrush?”
“Are you joking?” Olivia snapped.
“I can throw you in the lake to clean you up,” I said, angry that he would care about having a party when my planet was about to be taken over.
“It’s too late,” he cried. “Here she comes!”
The Big Kaloofa
I spotted the Kaloofa’s large spaceship when the smaller, football-shaped spaceships right above us parted to let it through.
I looked across from me at Olivia, but she didn’t look my way. She was having her Kaloofa moment.
The Kaloofa’s spaceship was shaped like a giant, flipped-over frying pan with a shark fin glued to the top. It wasn’t anything like Amp’s ship or the thousands of others floating above us. Apparently, the queen rode in style.
It lowered until the handle of the frying pan gently settled on the rim of the boat, hovering—or levitating—just a few feet over the water.
I scooted to the other side of my wooden plank. Olivia, who sat near the pointy end of the little boat, looked like she was in a trance.
I wasn’t sure what Mr. Larry was doing. He was sitting on the wooden plank behind me, near the back of the boat. He was probably in shock. I felt bad for getting him mixed up in this, but it was too late now.
That was when I noticed Amp lying on this back next to his spaceship, all stiff and staring up at the other Erdian ships.
“Amp! Amp!” I yelped. “Get up! Did you faint? Are you cramping up?”
“Quiet, Earthling,” he whispered back between clenched teeth.
“Oh, it’s ‘Earthling’ now?” I growled, offended. “Are you seasick or something? Stand up—your Loofa is here.”
“It’s the Kaloofa,” he said, groaning in embarrassment.
“Snap to it,” I urged him. “You look like you fell off the roof.”
“This is the traditional way to greet Erdian royalty.”
“That’s the weirdest tradition I ever heard of.”
“Says you,” he snapped. “I suggest you do the same.”
“There’s not enough room for all of us to lie down,” I snapped back at him.
By the time I turned again to the Erdian frying pan, a hatch had opened, and three Erdian guards were marching down the handle. They looked just like Amp. They wore helmets and held tiny zapper guns like the one Amp had brought with him when he arrived on Earth. The weapons looked like TV remote controls. These zappers didn’t do anything more than give you a little shock of static electricity, but I didn’t think this was the time to bring that up.
The guards split up and scrambled about the boat, using blue laser beams to search all its corners, including our bodies. They flipped and tumbled about like crazed Smurfs who had had way too much coffee. We watched their circus act in silence.
Amp didn’t move.
I figured they were searching us and the boat for weapons or threatening behavior. Once finished and satisfied we weren’t dangerous, a guard whispered something into his wristband.
Then one guard stood watching me, and another stood in front of Olivia and eyed her with suspicion. I figured the third Erdian guard was behind me, watching Mr. Larry like a hawk.
“Hey, you look like Amp’s ugly twin brother,” I said to my guard.
He flinched and tilted his head to the side. He clearly didn’t speak English. He raised his zapper and squinted at me.
“Maybe we should see if you can swim, small fry,” I said, which only made him look more puzzled.
“Please don’t talk to the royal guards,” Amp begged me. “You’ll make a mess of this.”
“Isn’t it pretty impossible to make th
is situation any messier? My planet is being attacked by blue space aliens!”
A short and plump Erdian emerged from the hatch and proceeded down the handle of the frying pan. At first I thought this was the Kaloofa, but when this Erdian started throwing what looked like baby powder everywhere, I knew it must be a strange Erdian ceremony.
Before long, the handle of the ship and much of the boat was covered in the white dust. I decided to just go with the flow.
Then the powder thrower Erdian lay down like Amp.
After waiting in awkward silence for thirty seconds, a very ordinary-looking Erdian emerged. She looked just like Amp, too, except she wore bulky boots made of white, fluffy fur. She stood up very straight and held her chin high. Instead of a helmet, she wore a wreath of what looked like dried seaweed on her head.
My first Kaloofa.
Amp once told me Erdians weren’t boys or girls, but it was almost impossible for Olivia and I not to think of Erdians as either boys or girls. It was probably a habit from dealing with humans our whole lives. Perhaps because Kaloofa ended in an a, I thought of her as a girl. Or maybe it was the ridiculous boots. No matter what I did, I was sure Amp would say I was already making a mess of it.
At that moment the Kaloofa looked my way. I held up two fingers in a peace sign. “Greetings, your worship.”
She looked at me like I had just burped, and she turned away snootily. Oops. Strike one with the ol’ Kaloofa.
She walked up to Amp, who was still on his back like a stiff, dead weasel.
That was when an idea hit me: This doesn’t have to turn into a war! This was our chance to prevent a war. The Erdians needed to know they were picking on the wrong planet.
After all, the Erdians hadn’t started firing yet. There must be a reason for that. They had totally blown the element of surprise, which must be a big deal. And I was sure all the soldiers had seen this cloud of spaceships drop out of the sky and settle over the lake. They were probably spreading the news right now.
The chances were slim, but fighting was not our only option here.
And I had Olivia; she could talk her way out of anything. Just ask my school’s principal, Mr. Luntz; Olivia had talked us out of a dozen of his detentions. Maybe she could do the same with an interplanetary war.
The next few minutes would determine the future of my planet and all the humans on it.
We better not mess this up.
Talking Tough
The Kaloofa and Amp exchanged words for a minute—at least I thought it was words. I couldn’t understand any of it. They were talking Erdian. It sounded like static on the radio with bird chirps and guinea pig grunts mixed in.
Finally she waved her three-fingered hand, and Amp hopped up and began speaking even more rapidly in Erdian, pointing at Olivia and me. I caught two Erdian words I knew: floofy and brimples. The rest of it was a complete mystery.
The Kaloofa didn’t look impressed. She even crossed her arms and tapped one of her hairy boots, the intergalactic symbol of You’re boring me to death.
Poor Amp. The more he explained and the more excited he got, the worse it looked for us. His body language told me he needed help.
It was time to get tough.
“Hey, can I say something?” I interrupted.
They both looked at me like I had farted. Strike two for Zack McGee.
Boy, these Erdians were snooty.
“Does she speak English, like you?” I asked.
Amp shook his head. “No. She never bothered. It takes several weeks of training to learn your language, which is sort of below an Erdian royal.”
“Several weeks?” I said. “Gosh, I’m still trying to figure it out after ten years.”
“It’s a relatively simple language compared to many,” he said. “I’m sure the Kaloofa didn’t think it was worth the trouble.”
I growled. “Let’s not even get into how rude that is.”
“Yes, let’s not,” he said, shooting a nervous, sideways glance at the Kaloofa.
“Well, then, can you translate something for me? Why don’t you tell your queen this: You’re messing with the wrong planet, missy. We humans are ready to whup some Erdian butt. We’ll knock the snot out of your antennas. You want to dance? Oh, we are so ready to dance, sister. So why don’t you take your seaweed hat and go back through that wormhole in space and time you crawled out of.”
Amp stared at me with his mouth hanging open.
“You tell ’em, Zack,” Olivia’s grandfather said from behind me.
“Go ahead,” I said, snapping my fingers. “Tell her that.”
“Excuse me—I have a better idea,” Olivia said, raising her hand.
“Oh, thank goodness,” Amp said.
Olivia looked up and appeared to be composing her message. “Amp, why don’t you tell Mrs. Kaloofa that we welcome her to Earth. We are glad and humbled to meet someone of her stature.”
“What’s a stature?” I asked.
Amp nodded and proceeded to translate what Olivia said.
The Kaloofa made a small bow toward Olivia.
“Hey, what about the stuff I said?” I grumbled.
Olivia ignored me. “Now tell her we are your friends. We helped and protected you when your ship crashed and you were injured.”
“But I wasn’t injured,” Amp said.
“I know, but just tell her that,” Olivia said. “It sounds better. Tell her we fed you like a little baby bird who fell out of a nest.”
“Wait! What nest?” Amp asked, puzzled.
“Yeah, say we fed you with one of those little bird feeders,” I said.
“Wait! What the heck is a bird feeder?” Amp shouted.
Olivia laughed. “It’s a little dropper thingy. It doesn’t really matter. Just tell her that Zack and I nursed you back to health because we are kind and caring. Doesn’t matter if it’s true or not—it sounds great. Go ahead. Translate that.”
He did, and the Kaloofa looked very interested in the story. She looked at me and Olivia once more, like she hadn’t noticed us the first time.
We were getting somewhere. I decided that Olivia’s plan might work better than my get-tough approach.
“And now tell her that we are only children. But we kept you a secret from the grown-ups. We hid you from the adults who would treat you like a virus. For months we protected you and made you healthy again.”
“He even lived in my room,” I said, snapping at Olivia. “Tell her that. He’s, like, the galaxy’s most annoying roommate. Think of the sacrifices I made. I almost flunked out of fourth grade!”
“Hey, you are not exactly a well-mannered scholar,” Amp said defensively.
“And we even tried to fix his Dingle,” I said to Olivia.
“Oh dear, what is a Dingle and how did he break it?” Olivia’s grandfather asked. “Sounds painful.”
“It’s just the terrible name he gave his spaceship,” I answered.
“The Dingle has saved you more than once, young man!” Amp shouted, pointing at me.
“Yes, Zack, that’s so good!” Olivia agreed. She looked at Amp. “We even tried to help you repair your broken ship and launch it. We did that for you. Say all that.”
Amp hesitated but then translated, pointing to Olivia and me several times.
I could tell all this was making an impression on the Kaloofa.
When he was finished, Amp looked at Olivia. “Anything else?”
Olivia chewed on her lip. “I’m thinking.”
“Will they still attack, Amp?” I asked.
“I’m not so sure they will,” he said. “But it’s an Erdian custom to make a peace offering in a situation like this. Something grand. Something impressive.”
“How about a nifty little rowboat?” I asked.
“This junky, leaky, stolen vehicle? You’re can’t be serious!” Amp exclaimed.
“Or what about our truck?” Olivia suggested. “It runs great.”
“You mean my truck?” Olivia’s g
randfather protested from behind me. “I just put in a new transmission.”
Amp stomped his foot. “C’mon, guys! That squeaky, old truck and this leaky boat are not what I had in mind. Quick! We need to offer something they can’t get anywhere else in the universe. Something befitting Erdian royalty. Something you can only get here on Earth.”
We floated in silence, thinking.
My stomach growled loudly, and everyone looked at me.
That was when I got the best idea in human history.
“I’ve got it,” I said finally. “It’s perfect. A peace offering every Erdian would love.”
“What is it?” Olivia asked.
I smiled. “We’ll just need a little help from those National Guard soldiers.”
Peace Offering
Moving a great idea from your brain into the real world is sometimes harder than you ever imagined.
And to put my idea into action, I needed to get back to the dock and all those National Guard soldiers. I’d have to sell them on my plan for a suitable peace offering to the Erdians and get the soldiers help in pulling it off. Then I’d save the world.
Easier said than done.
My plan hit a roadblock before it even got underway.
“Uh . . . . we need to get back to the dock,” I announced, once the Kaloofa and her guards had returned to her spaceship and left our powder-covered rowboat floating in the still lake water.
“Afraid the battery is all used up,” Olivia’s grandfather said.
“Which way is the dock?” Olivia asked. “All I can see are trees.”
Amp looked around. “There are no flattened implements with which to propel this vessel,” Amp said.
“Can you speak English, please?” I mumbled.
Olivia sighed. “He means there are no oars to paddle this rowboat.”
“Oh,” I said. “We already knew that.”
So we sat in silence, thinking. My stomach growled again.