by Jenika Snow
She should have told him how she felt before they became intimate, before all of this was put into motion. She was a coward and a fool.
Her ass was pressed to the edge of the counter now, stopping her retreat. But that was good, because she didn’t need to run. Alexis needed to face this head on.
“You don’t have to be nervous around me. If there’s something on your mind you can be honest with me. Always,” he said in a low, but steady voice.
“It’s hard to think clearly,” she said honestly, her body overriding all of her other emotions. She should be thinking with her head not her heart. But the way he looked at her made her even feel more on edge. He seemed tense, like perhaps he had some things on his mind, too.
She swallowed the lump in her throat. “It’s hard to think, let alone say anything when you’re looking at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like you have something to say and I might not like it.”
He didn’t answer for several long seconds, just continued to stare into her eyes. “I’m just thinking about things ... shit that is confusing me is all.”
His words were familiar, because she felt the same thing.
She needed to be honest though. Before he said anything she needed to tell him how she truly felt.
Bracing herself, Alexis just said what she was thinking. “I’m nervous, not because of last night, but over everything before.”
He looked confused. “Everything before?”
Her arousal was creeping up the longer they stayed close like this. She needed to keep a level head, not think about getting him naked and having him fuck her in her kitchen.
“Your pupils are dilated,” he whispered in a husky tone and she could tell his body was overriding whatever was on his mind as well.
Her entire body shivered. “I…” she breathed out.
“You feel that?” he asked and she knew exactly what he was talking about before he said it. “You feel that chemistry between us?”
She found herself nodding.
“That’s real.” He closed his eyes for a second and breathed out. When he placed his hands on the counter beside her, she rose on her toes a little. His erection pressed against her belly and sent heat through her, but also shock.
He was hard for her, but that didn’t mean he wanted anything more than going round two.
“If I told you what I really wanted, I might scare you,” he said and opened his eyes, looking at her with this bared expression. “Because a baby isn’t all I want with you, even if that’s a pretty big—forever—kind of deal.” He cupped her cheek and she shivered.
“Maybe if you tell me you’d be surprised how I reacted,” Alexis whispered, wanting to know what he thought, how he felt. Because right now, as he looked at her with so much bared emotion, she had to believe he loved her too, that this wasn’t just about a baby deal anymore.
“I want you,” was all he said at first, and then he leaned in an inch. “I love you.”
And right then her heart stopped.
14
One week later
Deacon ran a hand down his face, wiping the sweat off his brow. Glancing over at Alexis’s home, he wondered if she’d returned. After he’d made his huge declaration of love, she’d gotten a phone call and he’d not seen her since. He’d been checking on a daily basis but she had yet to return.
Which led him to believe something serious had happened, or she’d gotten some bad news. He worried about her and wished she’d told him what was going on so he could have been there for her. She’d been pretty shook up and when he asked about it, she had said she’d tell him later.
Sipping his beer, he glanced down at his watch to see that it was a little past five in the afternoon. He didn’t like not knowing what to do or how to deal with these feelings.
Alexis could be pregnant now, even if they wouldn’t know for sure for several more weeks, and the last thing they’d spoken about was his love of her. Not that she got a chance to respond before that blasted phone call.
She’d looked scared.
He didn’t like seeing that look in her eyes.
Like she’d made a mistake.
He didn’t want her thinking they’d made a mistake.
Being with her, it was … life changing. At least to him it was. He’d never felt like this for anyone else before.
What if that one time got her pregnant?
What if she decided she didn’t want a baby, especially after whatever news she’d gotten?
What the fuck was he supposed to do?
Running a hand down his face, he tried to think of anything that could take his mind off this. He didn’t want to call her as she’d asked for time. He could give her time.
He wasn’t a needy asshole.
At least, he didn’t think he was.
Opening his cell phone, he brought up her name, and hesitated. Calling her didn’t seem right, nor did it feel right. But it had been a week with no word on what the hell was going on.
Closing his cell phone, he tapped his fingers on his greasy jeans and stared at his bike. He only ever worked on his motorcycle when he couldn’t figure out the answers to his problems.
Alexis had wanted something from him and he’d provided it. He didn’t see what else he could do.
Throwing one of the tools he held across his garage, he cursed.
“Fucking useless.”
“Wow, sorry, my bad. I didn’t mean to piss you off.”
He turned to see Neil walking up his driveway. He wasn’t in the mood for whatever it was that Neil would want to do.
They were friends but right now he was more concerned about Alexis and their relationship.
“What do you want?”
“I see you’ve not been laid yet this morning.”
“I really, really don’t want to deal with this shit right now.” Out of all of his friends, Neil was the last person he wanted to talk to about anything. The guy didn’t have a filter and certainly no respect for women. The shit he’d said about Alexis still enraged Deacon. He couldn’t handle that right now. Not after he told Alexis that he loved her and she’d taken off.
“Wow, man, I was only stopping by. Rust is busy with work as usual so, you know, I was kind of … wondering if you wanted to hang out. I guess you’ve got your neighbor to deal with.”
“Does it look like I’m with my fucking neighbor right now?” he asked, angry, pissed off, and annoyed.
“No, but I thought—”
“Oh fuck off, Neil. Seriously, I don’t need to hear this shit right now.” He stormed off into the garage, not even paying any attention to his friend. Grabbing the wrench, he tossed it into his tool box and started rummaging around, looking for something. He didn’t know what the fuck he was looking for.
“I guess things aren’t going as well between you and the neighbor.”
“I take it you’re not getting the hint. You been hit on the head or something?” Deacon asked.
He was being a bastard. He knew that and he couldn’t seem to stop.
“Look, man, I’m not here to start anything. Clearly you want some space but I guess I think you need someone to talk to.”
“You’ve become an expert right now in hearing about people’s feelings.” He shoved the tool box off his desk, the noise echoing around his garage. He was so annoyed right now.
“I’m not an expert but I get that you’re going through something right now.” Neil shrugged. “I want to hang out. You can tell me all of your worries and I’ll try and listen and help.”
Deacon burst out laughing. “You can’t help me.”
“I can’t?”
“If you have advice for a guy who has just agreed to knock a girl up, only to do the deed, tell her that I love her, and she hasn’t spoken to me in a week and pretty much disappeared. You got any advice for that?”
“Holy shit, you agreed to knock up your sexy neighbor?”
Deacon shook his head. “Never mind
.” He should have kept his damn mouth shut. He wasn’t in the mood for whatever Neil had to say.
“Okay, no, don’t sweat it. So you and Alexis are together now?”
He stared at his friend for a long time, trying to figure out if he was joking around or genuinely interested. “I don’t know.”
“Okay, I don’t think I can give advice or anything without you telling me what is going on from the top.”
He ran fingers through his hair, feeling frustrated. On the one hand, he needed to talk to someone. On the other, he didn’t want Neil to say something to Alexis and spoil whatever they could have.
“I’m not going to screw this up. I promise. I can give advice without being a dick.”
“You say any of this shit to Alexis or even hint that you know anything, I will personally butcher you, do you understand? I’ll gut you and hang you up like a prized pig.”
“Wow, enough with the threats. I get it. You’ve got feelings for this woman and the way you’re acting is a little overkill, don’t you think?”
“I’m in love with her.”
This made Neil go silent for several seconds.
“You told her this?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, start from the top. I need to know everything.”
“I’ll get a couple of drinks.” Leaving his friend out by his bike, he grabbed a few beers from the fridge and found Neil working on the bike.
“Let me have it.” Neil took the bottle from him and drank a long swig.
Deacon told him everything, from the deal they’d struck up, to the night they’d shared, then the after part. Where she withdrew and seemed a little shook up and tense. He completely unloaded on him and felt like a fucking pussy for doing so. He shouldn’t have said a damn word, especially as he came to the end.
Silence rang between them.
Neil the first to break it. “Do you realize right now you could be a dad? Like a real ass dad. Your baby could be growing inside her.”
“I know.”
“How does that feel?” Neil asked. “It must be amazing. I mean, I don’t know Alexis, but if you like her, then I know she’s great.”
“It is. I mean, I don’t know for sure. I don’t even know if you can find out after a week and stuff.” He shook his head. “We’ve got a lot of things unresolved.”
“Was she just using you for your like … sperm, you know? Are you going to be involved together?”
“I want to be involved in my kid. I want to be with her, man. I love her.”
“You’re sure this isn’t just the post sex thing talking? You know, the shock of having possibly gotten a woman pregnant.”
He sighed. “I know how I feel about her. I’ve been wanting to be with her for a long time. I just never imagined it would be like this, you know. The waiting. Not being sure about anything.”
“Look, I’ve seen the way that chick looks at you. I would say she’s obsessed with you as much as you are with her. All you can really do is talk to her. Tell her how you feel and don’t just blurt it out like that. Chicks need time, you know. They’re delicate creatures.”
Deacon burst out laughing. “You don’t have the first clue on how to deal with women.”
Neil chuckled. “I don’t know how to help you with your current situation. You still want to have kids?”
“Yes. I want lots of them. An entire football team of them,” Deacon said. He could see it now, Alexis already heavily pregnant with his kid, children running around their feet. To him, that sounded like the perfect life.
“You’ve got that dreamy look so I’m going to do the non-asshole thing and leave you guys to it.” Neil got to his feet. “You’re a good guy, Deacon. You’re not an asshole. She’s lucky to have you.”
15
Her heart hurt, and although this past week had been very trying for her, Alexis knew she couldn’t grieve forever. When she got the call that her grandmother had passed, one she’d been close with while growing up, it had been like the world swallowed her whole. She’d disconnected from everyone and everything, including Deacon. And for the last week she hadn’t made any contact with him.
Alexis knew that had to hurt him, had to confuse the hell out of him. She’d totally shut him out and that wasn’t fair.
Standing and walking over toward the living room window, she leaned against the wall and stared out across the yard at his place. He was in the driveway talking to one of his friends. He looked upset, frustrated even, and she wondered if it had something to do with her. He hadn’t tried to call her, but then again she’d told him she needed time, space.
And even if it had only been a week, she knew she couldn’t shut him out. She didn’t want to. Alexis had just crawled into herself because that was the only thing she knew how to do.
His friend said something before turning and getting back in his car and leaving.
Exhaling and pushing away from the wall, she walked toward the front door and opened it. He was back to working on his motorcycle and didn’t hear her approach, or if he did he didn’t act aware of her presence.
“Hi,” she said softly and his body tightened. He stood and turned around, pulling a rag out from his back pocket and cleaning the grease from his hands.
“Hey,” he said softly.
The silence stretched out between them after that and she knew this was as awkward for him as it was for her.
“How are you doing?” he asked softly and looked at her, the baseball cap he wore casting a shadow over his eyes.
She looked down and nodded, knowing she had to explain herself. She didn’t want this weirdness between them. “Okay, I guess.”
“I wanted to call you about a hundred different times during this week.” His voice was low, his focus still trained on her. “But I know you needed time, for whatever you were dealing with.” He was silent for another long moment. “I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you. I wanted to be there for you but knew that you needed some space.”
She felt her throat tightening as emotion tried to claim her. “Thank you,” she whispered. “The phone call I got last week was in regards to my grandmother passing away,” Alexis said in a thick voice. “She was old, died in her sleep, and did so painlessly.” She cleared her throat and averted her gaze for a moment, feeling better already that she was telling Deacon. “She lived a really good and long life. The funeral was the other day and it was nice seeing my family.” Alexis found herself smiling as she thought about the memories when she was younger and spending time at her grandmother’s house.
“God, Alexis. I’m sorry, sweetheart.”
When she looked at Deacon again she could see genuine sympathy on his face. He tossed the rag aside and was right in front of her a moment later, enveloping her in his big, strong arms. She rested her head on his chest, smelling a mixture of his dark and spicy cologne, as well as motor oil. The combination shouldn’t have been comforting but it was.
Closing her eyes and sighing, she let herself rest against him and wrapped her arms around his waist.
“I’m so sorry,” he said again. He kissed her temple and she leaned back, tilting her head so she could look into his face. “You were close with her?”
Alexis nodded. “We were really close when I was younger. I’d stay there during the summers. Of course as I grew older I didn’t get to see her as much as I’d like. But we still kept in contact.” Her chest tightened at the pain of not being able to see her grandmother again. “But this is part of life and I know she wouldn’t want me being consumed by my grief.”
He stroked his finger along her cheek, brushing away the tears she hadn’t known had fallen. “I wish I could have been there for you during this time.” He cupped her face in his big hands and for long moments just stared into her eyes. “I want to be here for you, always.” He smiled and leaned down to kiss her softly. “I love you, Alexis.”
Her heart was beating fast, her emotions rising. In the wake of her grief she felt happiness
and love for Deacon. He’d told her he loved her a week ago but before she could say the same thing in return she got the phone call. The seven days had been long enough that she kept it inside knowing how he felt.
Rising on her toes, she pressed her lips to his and said, “I love you, too.”
16
Deacon didn’t think he’d heard that right. There was no way he’d heard that right. “What did you say?” Having her in his arms felt so good. A week without her would never do, not for him.
“You heard. I love you, Deacon. I’m so sorry that I didn’t tell you or call you. It just came as a shock, you know, being told your grandma just died. One of the women that has been totally inspirational. She was the one that wanted me to be a mother.”
“She did?”
“Yeah. She always had everything in control, you know. Nothing freaked her out, or scared her. She had advice and was always calm when I’d freak out. She’d know what to do.” She closed her eyes and he saw the tears beginning to fall. “I’m going to miss her so much.”
He’d known something had to be up with her because it just didn’t seem like Alexis to run out on him like that.
“I’m so sorry for your loss, baby.”
“I’m so sorry for the distance. The call and then with everything, I just—I was so scared. I couldn’t believe she was really gone, you know. I love her so much and now I won’t even get the chance to say goodbye to her.”
“Don’t worry about it. I figured it had to be something important.” He felt like a total douchebag.
“Will you stay with me tonight?” she asked. “I don’t want to be alone.”
“Yeah, sure.”
“We have to talk about what happened.”
“No, we don’t have to talk about it. Not yet.” He wanted to know if she was having second thoughts or what. This not knowing was fucking killing him. However, he was still the perfect gentleman and that meant he wasn’t going to force her to own up to her feelings or shit right now.