“I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want to be some emotional punching bag. I’ll call you in a couple of days, once I think on this for a bit.”
I get in the cab and shut the door. Heading back to my hotel, I call Alex and give her a play by play.
“Cock tease? Seriously?! I’ve never understood that insult, it seems to me teasing the cock would be a great skill to have.”
“Alex! Be serious!! ”
“Not my thing…ha ha.”
“Shut up! I’ve never been so mad. It was gross, the way he acted like I’m horrible because I’m not ready to be intimate with him. He even knows about what happened to me!”
“He’s an ass! I called it the first time I met him!!”
“You say that about everyone who asks me out.”
“Well, I think a girl has to be choosy. Call me old fashioned, but I believe in true love.”
“I think your heart just grew two sizes.”
“Shhhh. Don’t tell anyone.” We both laugh.
“I’m around the corner, see you in a minute.”
“K.” She hangs up.
“Cock tease,” I whisper to myself. What a pig! It might be a cold day in hell before I talk to Jack again.
“$23” says the driver, interrupting my thoughts. I reach for my wallet and pull out the cash just as my vision goes black. I feel like I am having an out of body experience, I’m back in that hotel room trying to fight Carter off of me, when he looks me dead in the eye and says, “you’ve always thought you were out of my league, but I’m going to show you just how worthless you really are.”
“Ahhhhhhh!” I gasp. Holy geez! “Oh my gosh, I’m hyperventilating.”
“Hey lady, are you okay?”
“Uh, yeah, yeah I’m fine.” I grab some money and throw it at him as I bolt from the car and straight up to my room. I start banging on the door because I can’t even bother with my key.
My whole body is shaking. “Alex!” I yell.
“Hey, did you forget your…” I latch onto her the minute she opens the door. “Hey, whoa! What’s going on, Mia? What happened?”
“Oh my God! I think, just, I don’t know… I had a vision.”
“Wait, what?? Sit down, let me get you some water. What are you talking about, a vision?”
“I was in the cab, we hung up, and I went to pay, then, bam! A memory of that night. Carter said the ‘out of my league’ thing… Alex, I remember something!”
“Whoa, are you okay? I mean, really… are you okay, Mia?”
I feel frantic, juiced up by adrenaline. I am freaking out over remembering something that I don’t really understand. My breathing slows and I see the pained look on Alex’s face. I wonder why she’s looking at me like that when I feel tears on my face. Tears.
When I tell my mom what happened, she insists we make an appointment to see the doctor. I don’t fight her, because I’m happy to go this time. I want answers and I hope he can provide them. I meet her at the office, downtown. She looks elegant as usual. She always knows how to dress for an occasion. I threw on chucks and jeans with a t-shirt. I figure I don’t need a pantsuit to find out if I am losing my mind.
The waiting room is fairly empty and the wait is short. I was never so grateful for an interruption as when my mother started talking to me about getting back into the work force, especially now, since I graduated… When everything happened with Carter, I was too afraid—afraid to leave my house, afraid to interact with people, afraid of life. I cut class incessantly and took well over my allotted mental health days. It started as a break for me to get myself back together, but it has been dragging on. I took online classes and just went in for the psych class to finally graduate, but never went back to work. I’ve gone through almost all of my savings, but I keep refusing to take money from my mother. I am happy to accept their generosity for the hotel, though. I won’t cut my nose off to spite my face.
“Mia West!”
“Yes! Here, yes…” I am a bit enthusiastic. At least that’s what I took from the “tsk, tsk” I got from Mom.
“This way,” she says, leading us to an office. We each take a chair and sit. The doctor walks in a moment later.
“Grace,” he says warmly. “It’s nice to see you. How’s Richard? Getting any more of those headaches?” Of course, the doctor is a family friend.
“No,” Mom says with a smile. “Richard is good. I’ll tell him you asked. Thank you.”
The good doc gives her a nod, then turns his attention to me. “Hi Mia, I’m not sure if you remember me, but we saw each other after your trauma last year. I was the neurologist on call. I’m Doctor Rosen, and you can call me David. Your mother tells me you’ve experienced some memory recovery.”
“Yes, and I’m sorry to say, I don’t remember you. Can you tell me what’s happening to my mind? I’m desperate for answers.”
“Of course. Well, it’s not strange to block memory in order to deal with the kind of trauma you encountered. As you heal, your memory will sometimes begin to come back. It typically happens like a vision. It is usually triggered by something like a smell, taste, or a person and can be very emotional.” I sit listening intently to everything I experienced. “So will this keep happening until I remember everything?” This part is scary because although what I’ve gone through has been horrible, I’ve found comfort in the fact that I don’t really remember it. That detail helps me stay numb and detached from the pain…or maybe I am kidding myself.
“What can we do for Mia while her brain is in recovery mode?” Mom asks.
“Help her to connect the dots, but don’t overwhelm her with information. We don’t want any kind of a regression to happen, it’s important that memory is on Mia’s terms. We are going to run some tests and if all checks out normal, then I will refer you to a psychiatrist who can help push the recovery process further.”
She is nodding and I can see her start to tear up.
“It’s okay, mom, this could be worse, I could be going crazy!” She smiles at me and says, “Who says you aren’t already?” Touché!
The doctor laughs. “I like the way you two are handling this. Tell me, Mia, what’s the last memory you have before that night?”
Weird question, but I’ll play.
“I remember coming home from work and watching some awful horror movie with Alex. Then maybe bits and pieces of the gala, but those are more like flashes of pictures. For example, I remember what my dress looked like, but I can’t see myself in the dress.”
“Okay, interesting,” he says as he writes something down.
“Grace, did you have any contact with Mia that day?” Silence… I look to my mother, wondering what’s happened to her hearing, when she says, “May we speak privately, David?”
Huge alarm bells start going off… No way! No flipping way!
“ No way, Mother. I want to know what is going on. This is ridiculous!” I say, clutching the arms of my chair.
“Mia! Do not raise your voice to me. I will tell you all you want to know, if you will please just give me five minutes of privacy with Dr. Rosen.” Oh, so now he’s Dr. Rosen?
Reluctantly, I agree, but only because the carrot of truth dangled in front of me is so enticing. I pace back and forth in front of the door. If there weren’t a ton of people working and walking around the halls, I might put my ear up against the door! It feels like an hour before Dr. Rosen opens it for me to join them again. I almost mow him down getting in.
“Okay, I’ve been waiting, impatiently, for what feels like forever. Someone tell me what the hell is going on!” I look directly at my mother for answers.
“Mia, darling, your last memory is from two months prior to the… happening last year.” She has never been able to say the ugly truth, that I was attacked and almost raped.
“What do you mean, two months? Are you saying I don’t remember two whole months?”
“Yes.” She folds her hands in her lap and shakes her head. I want to scream. I’m o
fficially in the twilight zone.
“This is crazy. So fill me in! What am I missing? Why has everyone kept this a secret?” I’m yelling now, and my anger is directed right at my mother. I can see she is nervous and begins to wring her hands.
“Mia,” she begins calmly, “everyone wants what’s was best for you and the doctors advised us to give you time and comfort, and that is what we all agreed was the right thing to do! It was a horrible circumstance that I still do not understand. We ‘ve all done our best, Amelia!” My mother using my full first name has never, ever been a good sign. Besides, seeing her so distraught makes me feel guilty. She’s done her best and I cannot ask for anything more. I need to think of her, too.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I’m just overwhelmed and I don’t even know where to start.”
“Mia, I have advised your mother to stay tight-lipped, even now that you now about this lapse in your memory. I think you should try and trigger it on your own. Even if your mother tells you what took place in that time lapse, there’s no way to know if that will trigger everything, and if she tells you and you don’t remember, you could stifle the process.”
Fuckety fuck fuck.
“So, basically I need to try and find ways to trigger my memory?”
“Yes.”
“Forgive me for being naive, but how am I supposed to do that when I don’t know what I don’t know….”
Dr. Rosen looks at me with a shy smile. “That’s where your family and friends can participate. They can take you to places like your old job, or maybe somewhere you went to dinner, but they cannot give you all the information.”
I look at my mother, grab her hands, and say, “Okay, let’s get started.”
After the tests are completed and most of my afternoon is done, the doctor spends some more time with me, explaining how intense memory recovery can be and how I shouldn’t push myself too hard. I listen and in the end feel kind of hopeful. Hopeful to gain something back that might help me move forward. I am hopeful that it will be enough for me.
My mother stands at the curb in front of the office building, hugging me. I’m grateful for her because I need stability right now. My head feels dizzy! I am so overwhelmed by this afternoon that words can’t do it justice. Mom can be a pain, but I love and need her. I give her one last squeeze and we make plans to check in with each other tomorrow. I decide to walk a bit, hoping it will clear my head. I’m struck by all the people around me, walking, talking, or busy on their phones. I wonder if they would choose to forget a piece of their lives if they could.
Maybe it’s not so bad, or maybe it only feels bad because I know something is missing. Maybe ignorance is bliss…
I finally cave and look to hail a cab back to the hotel because the walk is too long. The city is always like this; the minute I don’t need a cab, they’re everywhere. Right now, however, is a different story. I keep walking while I look around, heading toward a grouping of trees by an office entrance. I know I can probably get one here, but as I walk I start to feel a sense of unease. It’s that feeling like someone is watching you. I start to scan the streets nearby, as the hair on my neck stands on ends. I don’t even know where I’m heading, no longer able to focus on which direction the hotel is in.
When I look behind me, nothing and nobody. There are people around, but no one of consequence to me. I look in front of me and to the sides… nothing again.
Why the hell am I so scared? There are people everywhere, but I want to run, fast, to get away, away from what? Away from whom? The thought slowly creeps in and settles in my mind. It’s Carter, I know it, deep down. He’s watching me.
I know Richard has been in contact with his family, and he has not been found. I also know Richard wants security with me all the time, but that would prevent Carter from finding me, and I need him to find me. Not today, though. Today I am afraid.
I stretch my arm out as a cabbie slows to a stop. I jump in and let out a breath. “Thanks,” I say gratefully.
“No problem, but I stopped for the other guy and he said to give it to you.”
“What guy?!” I turn in my seat, sure I’ll see him.
“I don’t know, some guy,” he says, looking at me like I’m crazy. “You got a destination or what?” The goose bumps slowly leave my skin as we drive away.
I spend the cab ride talking myself down and reconciling that I am probably just paranoid. I have to be strong. If I ever get the chance to be in the same room as Carter again, I need to be strong enough to do what I have to do. I need to be able to commit murder. He’ll never stop until I stop him, and I can’t live like this. I deserve better.
When I get to the room, I see the light flashing on the phone, letting me know there is a message. I call the front desk and they tell me it’s a letter, so I arrange to have it delivered to the room (under the door) while I go take a shower. About a half hour later, Alex comes barreling in, yelling, “Mia!”
“Yeah, I’m in the bedroom,” I yell back. I decide not to share the story about Carter, because I need to keep that secret completely to myself.
As she steps up into the doorway she holds up a white envelope, waving it back and forth. “You have a letter.”
“Throw it on the bed.”
“No, read it! What if it’s important?”
“After the day I’ve had, I don’t want to read anything. I want to put on my pj’s, lie down, and watch romantic comedies with a bottle of wine. Are you in or out?” I start pulling out my best ratty flannel pajamas.
“Hell to the naw!” she says, standing straight up with both hands on her hips. “After the day you’ve had, we need to blow off steam! Get dressed little lady, we are going out!”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“Noooo, I’m not going anywhere.” Alex stares at me, hands on hips, and says, “Umm yeeeesss…” lifting an eyebrow like an evil villain. She is a villain!
“You are a horrible friend.”
“I’m the greatest friend, you are just not very good.”
“Shut up.”
Alex smiles and winks at me.
“Fine! I’ll go, but only if you answer a question for me,” I say, knowing exactly what I’ll ask.
“Shoot!” she says nonchalantly.
“Tell me what I’m forgetting,” I say looking directly at her. Alex looks at me with a tender smile and crosses the room, squeezing me into a giant bear hug.
“I love you, Mia, and I wish I could fill in all the blanks for you, but I’ve been warned by Grace. Your memory will come back, and I promise it will all be worth the wait.”
“Well, tell me this. Was I happy? Because honestly, I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy, Alex.”
“Oh honey, you were spectacularly happy. I remember that very clearly, and you will too.”
“I want so much to remember!”
“I know. How was the appointment today? What did the doctor say?”
“Basically to try and trigger my memory by carefully revisiting my past.”
“Interesting. Well, not tonight. Come on! We need liquor and eye candy. Put on something skanky. We are hitting the town!” Alex walks out with a flourish and dials someone on her phone. I laugh because I don’t own anything remotely skanky, so I put on jeans with a cute top and some strappy heels. I do my hair, put on some make up, and give myself a nod in the mirror. I can do this. I can go out and have fun like a normal person. I’m a smart girl, I look good, I can figure all of this out tomorrow. Tonight is for carefree living!
I grab my jacket off the bed and the letter floats down to the floor. Alex is right, what if it’s important? There’s a voice in my head, ever so faint, saying, What if he figured out where you are… I grab the letter off the floor and rip it open. Inside is a small, folded note. I open it to see, “I miss you” written on the inside. As I weigh the options for who sent this to me, Alex walks up behind me.
“Ooohhhh, looks like someone is feeling sad,” she says in a sing-songy vo
ice over my shoulder. She’s right, it’s from Jack… not Carter!
“I mean, this is sweet and all, but one little note does not erase what a jerk he was.”
“Totally! I agree.”
“Seriously, this note is ridiculous. What exactly does Jack expect from me?” I start to crumple it up.
“Are you sure it’s from Jack?” Actually, I’m still nervous it’s from the psycho stalker who tried to kill me.
“What are you talking about, Alex?? Who else would…”
Alex starts to giggle and gyrate, “Yep! Love triangles can be very tricky!”
“Quit it! I am not in a love triangle. First off, you need to love both other people, which I don’t. Second, I am positive Cole Parker did not send this note.” I filled Alex in about Cole the night I came home from the dinner party at Mom’s place. Alex listened to the whole story silently until the end, and then all she said was, “Delicious!” Honestly, I’m not sure I could have found a better word myself.
“Be honest, though. The idea of being with Cole Parker is so awesome, right??”
“I mean, yes…okay, yes. I have a gigantic crush on someone I barely know,” I say, throwing my hands in the air.
“Ha ha, you never know, maybe he’s the one.”
“Careful, Grinch, your romantic side is showing.”
I take my purse as Alex grabs her bag and we are both laughing as we walk out the door.
“I guess I’m just a believer in true love after all,” she says.
In the cab we fight over where to go, Alex wanting to hit up some trendy joint with live music, and me preferring a low key tapas place. Of course she wins. We pull up to the club and it is definitely a popular place. People are lined up around the corner waiting to get in, and you can hear the beat from inside bellowing through the walls. The energy is frenetic, with a buzz of excitement and bass. I unexpectedly love it! We move past people to the front of the line. Alex is famous for knowing people. She has a thing for buff, burly types which works out well for us, since they usually work door security.
“Hey beautiful,” says the hulk at the door.
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