“Uh, no.” He almost could have wished that the two princesses did not get along so well together, sharing information.
“And she wants to give you something. You’re not interested, of course.”
“Uh—”
She gave him a look that slanted the opposite way from the one Feline had, and dropped the subject. Their swimming proceeded normally. It was certainly fun being with Carmen, as it was being with Feline. But what did Metria have in mind? The mystery fascinated him.
At nightfall he sneaked out the back way and went to the Evil Castle. He felt guilty, but he just had to know what goodies the Bad Girl had for him. “Ah, Prince Voila!” Princess Metria said. “I’m so glad you could make it.”
“Well, you said you would give me something.”
“So I did!” She put her hand to her blouse as if to remove it. “I’m sure you’ll like it.”
“Not so fast, trollop,” a voice came. It was Princess Feline in a Royal Tither.
“Get out of here, catgut,” Metria said. “You’re not invited.”
“And what about me, jade?” another voice came. It was Princess Carmen.
“You’re not invited either, watercress. This party is just for Prince Voila.”
“You’re going to seduce him and make him forget his obligation to his kingdom!” Feline said.
“What if I am? It’s his choice, not yours, cat’s whiskers.”
So that was what she had for him. Seduction. That was not something the Good Girls offered, because they had to be pristine until marriage. His interest intensified.
“Yes, it should be his choice,” Carmen said. “Let’s make this an even playing field. We’ll all give him his choice, and may the most beguiling girl win.”
Metria assessed the situation. “All right.” She evidently felt that she had the advantage here.
“Then let it be the Seduction Game,” Feline said. “Winner takes all.”
“Agreed,” Carmen said.
“Agreed,” Metria said. She faced Hapless. “Just so you know the rules. Each of us takes turns with each round. The one who first seduces you wins you. She’ll marry you.”
“But Good Girls can’t—” He protested.
“Can’t advertise it,” Feline said. “Because Princesses must Appear Pristine. But few really are.”
“Royalty is all about Appearance,” Carmen said. “Reality hardly counts.”
“But—”
“Actually since this is a Family Show, a full freakout will do in lieu of a seduction,” Metria said. “It’s a standard substitute in show business.”
“It is?”
“Round One,” Feline said. “The Look.” She took center stage as the others faded back.
“Uh—”
Feline peeled away her princessly gown and stood nude. Her curves were absolutely lovely. But he didn’t freak out, maybe because she wore no bra or panties.
“My turn,” Carmen said. She stepped out of her clothing, becoming nude. She was even more shapely than Feline, but he didn’t freak out. Then she did a slow dance, and that accented her curves and put him at the very verge of a freak. But he didn’t.
“And mine,” Metria said. Her clothing evaporated, literally. She was so shapely he knew it was artificial, since she could assume any form she chose. Then she danced, and that magnified the effect. His eyes started glazing, but he didn’t freak. Quite. Then she turned slowly around, and the first hint of a panty line formed.
“Foul!” the other two princesses said almost together.
“Oh, posh,” Metria swore as the line disappeared.
It seemed she had tried to sneak the hint of panties in, but been caught. Well, she was the Bad Girl; they were expected to try to cheat.
“Round Two,” Feline said. “The Kiss.”
The kiss? The Prince was unfamiliar with this game, but wasn’t sure how a kiss could be competitive.
Feline remained nude. She stepped up to him, took him in her arms, drew him close, and kissed him. He floated.
She ended it and stepped back. He dropped back to the floor. It was only an inch, but quite enough to make the point.
Then Carmen stepped up. She kissed him. He floated two inches.
Finally Metria kissed him. Three inches. Four. Five.
“Foul!” the other two chorused.
“You’re levitating him,” Feline said.
“Using external magic,” Carmen said.
“Oh, fudge,” the demoness swore. She had been caught again.
He still had not been seduced, though that was more a matter of chance than any resistance on his part.
“Round Three,” Feline said. “The Feel.”
The Feel? He was feeling dizzy; did that relate?
She took his hand and brought it to her shoulder. It was a very nice curvy shoulder. Then she stroked it down across her front. Oh—that kind of feel. His hand went numb and he slid around the edge of freaking out. Only the fact that there were two others watching prevented it from happening.
Then Carmen was before him. She took his hand and stroked it down across her back, then below.
The Prince found himself lying on the floor. He had freaked out. The presence of an audience had not stifled so powerful an effect.
“I have won you,” Carmen said. “I will take you away to my water domain where we will share endless love.”
“But I was going to take him!” Metria said, outraged. She was so angry that sparks were flying from her hair.
“Tough luck, sister,” Carmen said. “I won him fair and square. Or rather, fair and rounded. He’s mine.”
“We’ll see about that,” Metria said. “If I can’t have him, nobody can!” She extended both hands, and magic sparked between them. “To the Void with you, Voila!” Scintillating power shot out, surrounding him. Then he faded out. Only Hapless was left, a used-up actor.
“And that is the end of the play,” Zed said, returning to the stage. “But not the end of the story. Prince Voila was banished to the Void, where he became the Horn, required to float around unclogging snags in the progression of others to the Singularity in the center of the Void. The Prince no longer exists, only his memory, and not much of that. Now there is only you, Horn.”
The Void Horn hung there, assimilating this news. He had been given a past, and a lost identity. Would he accept it?
“He has to commit now, or the moment is lost,” Zed murmured.
The gorgon took the stage again. “Princess Carmen was so grieved by the loss of her beloved that she retreated to her kingdom and wept such a storm of tears that it flooded the area and became the Region of Water. Only the return of Prince Voila can console her. Not the actor in the play, but the real Prince, now cruelly masked as a horn of emptiness. You!” She gestured appealingly to the Horn. “Come to me, my love!”
Was she serious? Would she sacrifice herself for the good of the Quest? Would it work?
The Horn bobbed in air. Was that acquiescence? The gorgon was about as attractive a creature as any man could hope to see, let alone win. She was offering a lot. Assuming the Horn identified with the story Prince and felt like a man.
“But to do that, you must first escape the Void. That can only be done by becoming the Totem, which in the company of a living person has power to travel anywhere. If you do that, and help us complete our Quest, I will take you to my water realm when it is done and we will be as happy together as anyone can imagine. Because I am the Totem of Water, in the adjacent Region. We’re neighbors, with similar interests in maintaining our domains. We can do it together, if you join us.”
The Horn, swayed by her appeal, and surely by her nude loveliness, nodded. Hapless suspected that no male could have turned her down, including himself. In fact he felt a pang of loss. She was not to be his bad girl. Not his girl at all.
“Now, Faro,” Zed murmured.
Hapless conjured the drum set. Faro put it on and started beating the drums in the pattern of the Void. It was compelling.
The Horn floated toward her, and finally touched without sucking her in. He became the Totem, in the shape of the Horn. But on its side was a picture of Prince Voila, looking rather like Hapless. It was the only model available. Prince Voila would surely become more individual, when.
Faro ceased playing and picked it up. “Oh, I feel the power of Nothing,” she said.
Then she held it out to the gorgon. Carmen took it and kissed it. “Together,” she repeated. It was a promise.
“Now let’s get out of here,” Zed said.
Faro led the way up the slope, away from the deadly gulf. They followed in her wake, the only place where this direction was possible.
They walked up to the shimmering curtain, and through it. They were back in the Region of Water.
“Bye, Quest,” Metria said, leaving skid marks in the air as she took off. “It has been an education.” She was gone.
Or almost. “I could have won you,” her voice came back to Hapless. “If those hussies hadn’t been so strict with the rules.”
“Begone, spook!” Feline snapped.
Carmen touched the Totem again. “This is my kingdom,” she said. Then she reverted to her own Totem state, and Feline put her away.
“I think we can be friends,” Feline said. “She did come through for us.”
Hapless and the others were glad to agree. The sustained tension of the Void drained from them. They sank blissfully to the damp ground.
Chapter 14:
West Tern
They walked on out of the Region of Water and emerged to Xanth Proper. It was a huge relief. Not that Hapless disliked the Region of Water, but he preferred to be clear of all the Regions now that their business there was done.
“Let’s camp right here for a day,” Zed said. “We’ve all been under considerable stress.”
“Amen,” Feline agreed. “And Ah-women and Ah-children too.” Then she turned to Hapless. “Which reminds me: we need to look up Merge and Myst.”
“You—want them with us?”
“Considering the alternatives we just play-acted, yes.”
He didn’t argue; he wanted them too. “But we’re not where we left them. How can we—”
“I thought you’d never ask,” Faro said. “I’ll fly. You look.”
Feline changed to cat form and jumped on ahead of him. Faro spread her wings and took off, her eyes closed.
“Turn to the left,” Hapless said. “That’s south, where they were.”
She turned, and they flew south at gradually increasing height.
In a scant five moments, maybe four and a half moments, he spied them. He waved, and they waved back. Faro waggled her wings, though she could not see them herself. “Glide down, straight ahead,” he told Faro.
She did, and landed neatly near the two as he announced the ground. “I could do this with my eyes closed,” she said.
Hapless jumped off, and so did the cat, changing in mid air. He ran to Merge and swept her into his embrace. Then he kissed her. She was an absolute delight, both ways.
“Why Hapless, you’re so bold,” she said breathlessly.
He was taken aback. “I’m sorry. I was just so glad to see you I lost my—”
“I’m teasing,” she said, and kissed him back. “I was afraid we’d never see you again, knowing you were going to brave the Void.”
“We have a story to tell about that.”
“In due course,” Feline said behind him. “Now let’s switch partners.” She was with little Myst.
Hapless sat down to join the child, while Feline hugged Merge. “Did you miss us?” Myst asked.
“I, uh—”
“I knew you’d say that. But we missed you.” She flung her arms about him and kissed his nose. He knew right then that he did want her for a daughter.
They walked north to rejoin the Quest, catching up on bits and pieces of their adventure. “You mean you have the Void Totem with you now?” Merge asked Faro.
“Yes.” She held up the little Horn. “The prince says you’re pretty, but not as pretty as Carmen.”
“Carmen?”
“The Water Totem. She’s a gorgon.”
“A gorgon!”
“Tame, for now. She won’t hurt you.”
By the time they rejoined the camp, Merge had the essence of their excursions into the Regions of Water and Void.
“We’ve been thinking,” Zed said. “We have the five Totems, but if they are all needed to handle the Orb, we had better get in some practice. We need to be thoroughly conversant with them before we tackle the big stuff.”
“How much of a challenge are you looking for?” Merge asked.
“One big enough to allow us to stretch our new muscles, as it were. These Totems are almost hideously powerful, but we’re only just beginning to appreciate their qualities.”
“We met a dog,” Merge said. “Her name is Rachel; she’s a Service Dog from Mundania who visited Xanth a few years ago and liked it, so now she’s here permanently.” She smiled. “It seems she couldn’t talk in Mundania, but can talk here. She has been exploring Xanth, now that her pups are grown, and says there’s a village near a comic strip that is going to need a lot of assistance. She’s trying to find someone who can help. It’s her nature to help.”
“A comic strip?” Zed asked. “They are normally limited to the worlds of Ida.”
“It seems that one got loose somehow and landed in Xanth near the Village of West Tern. The villagers have been mining it for puns, which are more valuable since the virus wiped out so many. But now a mob of monsters is moving in, wanting to take over the business for themselves. They’re laying siege to the village. If it doesn’t get help, it will soon be rubbed out.”
Zed looked around at the others who had gathered to hear about this. They nodded. “This may be what we are looking for. I believe we are equipped to handle monsters.”
They all looked at Hapless, expecting him to make the decision. What could he do? “Uh—”
“Then it’s decided,” Zed said. “We’ll camp here tonight, and tomorrow go to help the village. Where is it?”
“I don’t know,” Merge confessed. “But Rachel does. She can lead us to it. I understand it’s not far from here.”
“And were is Rachel?”
“She’s in the vicinity where we were, south of here, sniffing out prospects with her boyfriend Woofer. Had I known we might be able to help her—”
“I can find her,” Myst said.
“Could you show Hapless?” Faro asked.
“Sure.”
“Go with him,” Merge said. “While Feline and I catch up on things.”
Thus suddenly Hapless was back in the air, this time with the child riding before him. “Oooo!” she exclaimed, loving it.
They flew south again, Hapless directing. When they reached the place where Merge and Myst had been before, the child was ready. “Hold me in while I fog,” she said as they landed. “There’s a wind.”
He put his arms about her, and she fuzzed into fog. His body shielded it from the wind just enough. Soon she solidified again. “That way,” she said, pointing.
They followed her directions, and before long caught up with a pair of dogs snoozing under a tree: Woofer and Rachel. Woofer was nondescript, but Rachel was a German shorthaired pointer. Myst jumped down and conferred briefly with them.
She returned. “They’ll be at the camp tomorrow morning, and will lead you to West Tern,” she reported. “Rachel says thank you; she had about given up finding anyone with a chance to save the village.”
They returned to the camp, where the others had made things comfortable. That night Hapless shared a blanket with Feline and Merge again, one holding each of his hands. It occurred to him that this might be their way of keeping his hands out of mischief, but he loved it anyway.
In the morning the two dogs were there to lead the way. The party followed. They passed East Tern, which was occupied by birds, then took the Tern Pike to
West Tern. They saw the comic strip, winding sinuously across the landscape, and the monsters, poised to charge the village at high noon.
“This looks bad,” Zed said.
“The puns won’t bother you if you stay clear of the strip,” Merge said.
“I mean the siege of monsters. They are surrounding the village.”
Merge smiled. “Those, too. We will have to pass through their line. They will allow it, because to them it means all the more meat for their feast. It’s departure from the village that they won’t allow. Except for me—they know I’ll douse them with anti-pun virus elixir that will incidentally make them sweet for an hour. They can’t stand that.”
“You must have encountered them before,” Zed said.
“Yes. I am not entirely defenseless.”
“First we need to explain to the villagers that we’re allies, not more monsters,” Feline said, glancing at Hapless.
His job, of course. “Lead me in,” he told Rachel.
The dogs did. Feline came along, and Merge, with Myst. They passed the goblin checkpoint, and the ugly male goblins leered openly at the women. “We’ll have something to do with you before we eat you,” one told Feline.
“Yes, you’ll get your eyes scratched out,” Feline said. She did not mention her Totem, which gave her far more power than that.
“Me first!” another goblin called.
“Wait your turn,” a third one said.
The goblin sergeant was a bit more sensible. “Why are you taking your friends into this trap, multi-girl?” he asked Merge. “You know they don’t share your immunity.”
“It’s not a trap for them,” Merge replied evenly. “It’s a trap for you. If you’re smart you will give up this siege and go far, far away.”
All the goblins burst into crude laughter. “We love it when you make jokes, pretty thing,” the sergeant said. “Are you sure you won’t join me for a really hot plumbing? Maybe all five of you with five or ten of us?”
“Quite sure,” Merge said. “Please don’t be crude in the presence of my daughter.”
They laughed again. “We’d plumb her too, if we found some glue to hold her in place.”
Merge marched grimly on without responding further.
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