Now Hapless was getting a glimmering. “We have the Totems. That’s why we had to get them.”
“Smart boy,” Isis said, her tone implying nothing of the kind. “Without the Totems you would be completely unable to address the Orb, and thus be unable to make it perform. You did come prepared.”
“But you said there is no Orb,” Zed reminded her.
“There is no Orb now,” Isis agreed. “It has to be brought into existence. Just as you brought the Totems into existence.”
“By taming their guardians!” Feline exclaimed. “Does that mean what I think it means?”
“Surely it does, catgirl.”
“But where is its guardian?” Hapless asked, perplexed.
The five Companions merely looked at him. So did Merge and Myst. And so did the Goddess. He was being stupid again.
Oh, no! “You’re the guardian!” Hapless said.
“In that sense, yes,” Isis agreed.
“So we have to—to tame you.”
“In a manner. But you will not accomplish that feat by force. This is my temporary domain; I will counter any attempt. I am not an animal like the Region guardians. You must deal with me on my terms.”
“You’ll do it voluntarily?” Hapless asked, not trusting this.
“Of course not. Once I become the Orb, I will lose personal volition. You will be my master. That does not appeal.”
“Then why are you talking with us?” Hapless asked. “Why did you let us in?”
“Could I have barred you?”
“Well, no. But you are treating us like guests.”
“That is part of the illusion. You are not guests; you are an invading army.”
“We just want to get our wishes granted!”
“I don’t suppose I could persuade you simply to give it up and depart?”
“No,” Hapless said.
“Then we shall have to engage in serious negotiation. You want to invoke the Orb in order to get your innocent little wishes granted. I want to use it to achieve ultimate power in Xanth. I could grant your wishes on my own, without invoking the Orb. Would that be satisfactory to you?”
Hapless was surprised. “Uh—”
“What’s your price?” Zed asked.
“That Hapless invoke the Orb and use it only to grant my wishes.”
Zed nodded. “Because you can’t use the Orb yourself, even when you are the Orb. You need him to draw on its immense power to further your own wish.”
“You would have to trust him to do it,” Feline said.
“Why me?” Hapless asked. “I’m nobody.”
The Goddess turned to address him. “Several reasons. Your party consists of five crossbreeds and yourself. A crossbreed won’t do for my purpose.”
“Why not?”
“Because I will need to marry you, and for that I need a full human male.”
“Marry me!” Hapless exclaimed. Feline and Merge looked as appalled as he was. The bad girl was making her move boldly and publicly.
“I take that as an exclamation rather than as an offer.”
“It’s astonishment,” Hapless said. “You’re a goddess! I’m nothing.”
“You are far from nothing, Hapless. You are what is available. Not many suitable prospects blunder into the comic strip. Apart from that there are three reasons for me to choose you. You are a virgin; that is precious to a woman who has had seven thousand years experience with supremely potent males. That fleeting initial naiveté is charming. Second, your formidable talent, which you understand only in part, that is responsible for your success so far in the Quest. Third, a quality of your character. That is most important.”
“But—”
“Shall we discuss the terms of engagement?”
Hapless was completely flustered. “I—”
“In both the military and romantic aspects,” Zed said.
Isis faced the others. “You want your wishes granted. I want my wish granted. I am offering to grant yours if you will grant mine.”
“That is for Hapless to decide,” Feline said, and Merge agreed.
They all looked at him again. “No!” he said.
“You do not want your friends to achieve their wishes?”
“I—I—not that way.”
“So it will not be voluntary on his part,” Isis said to the others. “Then it is to be a contest, if not war. One of the three of us must prevail. Give us an hour alone together. If he wins, you will have your wishes granted and I shall not have mine. If I win, all of us will have our wishes granted, my way. Except that he will marry me, not either of you two maidens. Is this fair?”
The Companions, together with Merge and Myst, exchanged a look that might sour butter. What were they thinking of? The whole thing was preposterous.
“Yes, it is fair,” Zed said.
They were agreeing? “But—”
“Our dialogue has just begun,” Isis said.
Then the castle and the Companions vanished. They were alone together.
Chapter 16:
Orb
“What—” Hapless asked, as eloquent as ever. They stood in a wide pleasant meadow with flowers all around. A sparkling blue river flowed through it.
The Goddess took him by the hand. She now wore a lovely gown, and her hair framed her head like a holiday bonnet. She was so beautiful that merely looking at her made him light-headed. “I am courting you,” she explained. “This is a magnetic moment, capable of attracting folk into love.”
“But I love Feline and Merge!”
“They are counting on that. But they know that it is better to limit my effort to an hour rather than allow me to besiege you for an indefinite period. It’s a compromise.”
“You—you’re going to seduce me?”
“That would be an understatement. It is your love I want, not just your body.”
“Because you want me to control the Orb to—to—”
“To grant me my freedom from the restriction of the comic strip, and to restore my full powers of magic, which are by no means limited to illusion.”
“I don’t want to do that. I don’t think you would be good for Xanth. And I don’t want to leave Feline and Merge in the lurch.”
“Of course you don’t, Hapless. You’re a nice, dull, decent guy.”
She had his number. “They’re nice girls.”
“And you surely feel guilty for experiencing even a passing reaction to a naughty girl.”
“Yes.”
“This about that, Hapless. Bad girls don’t have the limitations of good girls. We can address men in ways impossible for nice folk.”
“Uh, so—”
“Would a good girl ever do this?” She reached through his clothing as if it didn’t exist and touched him in a manner he had never before imagined. “Or let him do this?” She took his hand, passed it similarly through her dress and put his finger in a spot he had hardly known existed.
“No!”
“But you liked it, didn’t you?”
He had to admit it. “Yes.”
“Bad girls can make better lovers than good girls. After we’re married, I will take you into realms of rapture beyond your wildest imagination.”
“I don’t want to marry you!”
“That is what this hour will decide. You need to give it a fair chance.”
“No!”
“If you close your mind, I will have to take stronger measures.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Like this.” She faced him, put her hands on his shoulders, and drew him in. Suddenly the whole of her was in contact with the whole of him, and her hands were on his rear, kneading it.
Belatedly he caught on. “We’re not wearing anything. Our clothing is illusion.”
“Exactly. We can banish that illusion if you prefer.”
“No!” He yanked away from her. Illusion had become his own protection from thorough embarrassment.
“You have elected to give the tour
a fair chance.”
“Uh, yes.” Because she would forcefully seduce him in seconds otherwise, and he would be lost. She had made that clear. Worse, part of him wanted it to happen.
“Let’s start with a canoe ride.”
“Canoe?”
“Here.” There was a small low narrow green boat in the water before them. “Step in, Hapless.”
“I’ve never been in one of these before. I don’t know how to—”
She handed him a double bladed paddle that appeared in her hands. “It will come to you.” Then she sat opposite him, her knees almost touching his. They were parted, and he had to look away before he freaked out. Her legs were the finest he had seen.
“You may look,” she said. “You won’t freak. I’m not wearing panties.”
He was not at all sure of that. Just the thought of panties, or their absence, made his eyeballs quiver dangerously in their sockets. He tried dipping the paddle in the water, and abruptly the canoe was moving smoothly forward. He couldn’t be that competent; he had little idea what he was doing.
Oh—more illusion. They were probably sitting in a still canoe, or even just a box, and the scenery was going past them. He could verify that with a snapshot, but that would also show her complete nakedness, so he didn’t. It wasn’t that she might object; it was that he was trying not to get halfway freaked out. He needed to keep what few remaining wits he had about him.
They were coursing along the river, the flowery banks passing in colorful display. Then the river angled upward, and they floated into the sky. The meadow disappeared; they were now on a placid lake, with flowering water lilies and friendly fish coming to the surface to observe them. It was a celestial lake extending to the stars, which reflected in its surface.
“Oh, it’s so sweet of you to bring me here,” Isis said, leaning forward. Naturally her décolletage dropped, displaying her perfect breasts.
“Uh—”
Then she was kissing him. Surprised, he lost his balance. The canoe overturned and they both splashed into the warm water. Their clothing dissolved away. So did the paddle; they were swimming nude.
“What a wonderful surprise!” Isis exclaimed, kissing him with more passion. He tried to resist, but couldn’t; his arms went around her almost involuntarily, and he kissed her back. He had had heavenly kisses before; this was heaven squared.
Then she drew back. “But we have other sights to see. Keep our place.”
Keep their place? As if this could be resumed at another time? “Uh—”
“Ah, here is the canoe.” They scrambled back into it, her body flashing in numerous ways, surely none of them accidental, and were immediately dry. The water was probably illusion too.
“But I lost the paddle.”
“And you are up the creek without the paddle,” she agreed. “Fortunately we don’t need it anymore.”
And it seemed they didn’t, because they were no longer in a boat, but in a car, one of a chain of them on a track. It was a coaster roller! By the coast, of course.
They angled steeply upward into the starry sky, then crested the highest mound and started down. “Eeee!” she screamed and flung her arms about him as if terrified. Actually he found this descent nervous too, and didn’t mind. But this frequent personal contact was having its effect. He increasingly liked being close to her. She smelled faintly of new mown hay, and her skin was like linen.
They zoomed to the base, then coasted up to the next peak, where she kissed his ear. “Thank you for saving me,” she whispered.
“You’re welcome.” They both knew he had done no such thing, but this was a kind of game wherein she found new ways to flirt.
The coaster passed stars and galaxies, then dropped into a tunnel and raced underground, marking lights flashing rapidly past. A dinosaur loomed, jaws spreading wide, and Isis screamed again and wrapped her arms about Hapless’s head, burying his face in her bosom. He didn’t mind that either.
The coaster slowed to a stop. Was the ride over? “Oops,” Isis said. “There’s a breakdown. We’ll have to wait for the repair crew.”
An illusion ride needed repair? She just wanted more time to seduce him. She was making progress; his body made that clear.
“No. Let’s walk,” he said.
Her irritation hardly showed. “I love your leadership.”
Yeah, sure.
They climbed out of the car to stand on the track. That gave way, and they plunged down through darkness to land in a pile of soft sugary jell. Lemon meringue!
“It’s a giant pie!” he said as his eyes acclimatized to the dim light.
“It’s too much to eat.” She pulled him down, smearing yellow kisses on his face. “Lick me off.”
Lick her off? Why not? He put his face to her bare bosom and started licking off lemon fluff. She writhed beneath him, giving him more than pie to eat.
It was too much. He drew her in close and pressed her to him so that meringue squeezed out from between them. The confection wasn’t half as sweet as her body. He kissed her madly, and she kissed him back, meeting him exactly half way. She was simply too delectable and too willing; he had to finish it.
Yet somehow he did not. He paused.
“There is a problem?” she inquired.
He realized that there was. “I can’t do it.”
“Of course you can. This is one thing I must not do for you; it has to be your initiative. But the way is open, the channel clear.” She spread her arms and legs.
“I want to. But I can’t.”
Now she was genuinely concerned. “Why not?”
“I can’t betray my good girlfriends or the Quest. It just wouldn’t be right.”
“How can there be anything wrong about this transcendent mutually fulfilling passion?”
“If I do it, I lose the contest, and must marry you and help free you from your comic strip prison. I wish I could help you, and I know I’d really enjoy your continued company, including the naughtiness, but I just can’t.”
She was amazed. “You’re passing me up for a Quest you no longer need to achieve all of your wishes? Knowing how much I want you to complete it? Are you an utter fool?”
“Yes,” he said, ashamed. “I guess I am.”
“It isn’t as if I am a stranger. You know my entire life history. You don’t know theirs.”
“I guess it’s that I have interacted with them more.”
“It is true that we met more recently, but you can interact more with me, and more significantly.” She spread her legs wider. “Right now. Deeply.”
He wanted to. He knew he would never get another chance with a creature like this. But he couldn’t. “It’s—it’s not the same.”
She visibly reassessed. “Then let’s discuss this. Is it that they are mortal?”
“Maybe. I’m mortal.”
“And I’m immortal, or as close to it as makes no significant difference. Actually gods can be killed, but only by other gods, and there aren’t any others in this vicinity. Like attracts to like; I understand that. But there are other aspects. Have you considered that one of them is a crossbreed?”
Hapless was baffled. “What is your point?”
Her lips pursed in another kind of assessment, but she dropped that one and went on to the next. “The other is saddled with a child.”
“I love that child!”
Another swift shift. “Then what is it you see in them?”
“Feline has curves.”
“My curves are curvier than hers.” She took his hand and ran it over those curves, proving her point.
“Uh, yes. I guess I really love her for more than her curves.”
“She teases you mercilessly.”
“I like it when she does that. It’s her way of paying attention to me.”
“And the other? You loved her without knowing her at all.”
“Yes. There must have been an enchantment. But Merge is surely one of Xanth’s finest women, regardless, and the work she
does eliminating the anti-pun virus is worthy.”
“At present I am limited to illusion, but if I recover my power, I will be happy to enchant you similarly.”
He nodded. “I guess you could. But I don’t think it was a love spell, exactly. It was more as if we were destined for each other, and we knew it the moment we met.”
“Except that you already loved the cat woman.”
“It’s a picklement,” he agreed ruefully.
“You’re not being very haved.”
“Uh, what?”
“Not behaving well.”
Oh. “I guess I’m a klutz from any angle.”
“Where is your common sense?” she asked impatiently.
“I guess I don’t have much of that.”
“You’re hopeless!”
She had set him up for his favorite line. “No, I’m Hapless.”
The Goddess looked as if she were about to explode, but not in laughter. “You’re something else.”
“Yes. I really don’t know what they see in me. They’re not captives and they don’t care about power, so they don’t need me.”
“Of course you don’t know. You’re a man.” Her tone suggested that this was not exactly a compliment.
He was vaguely nettled. “And you do know?”
“I do. It’s the same thing I see. You’re committed, innocent, and manageable. You’d make a perfect husband.”
“They’d make perfect wives. Either of them.”
“So would I. The difference is that I would make you King of Xanth, feted by all, with virtually unlimited power. There might be some in Mundania too; the Mailer Daemon is a friend of mine, with connections to a lot of folk. I came from Mundania; he came from Xanth.”
“And you would be the power behind the throne.”
“Yes, of course. I can’t exercise power here in my own name; it has to be through you. But that’s all right. I could accomplish a lot with this kingdom.”
He shook his head. “I’d rather be with my two good girlfriends.”
“You can be, Hapless! You can have them both as concubines, and as many others as you want. It’s the royal way.”
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