“Then it’s your funeral. Might as well get your affairs in order because he will either destroy you or drag you down to his level.” I snatched my hands away and walked out of the ladies bathroom.
I was sick of trying to save people and if I was pregnant then I had my own problems. There would be no way Kaz would ever find out because I couldn’t tell him. I would abort the baby and that would be the end of that.
Chapter Two
Wembley Stadium: Rehearsal
KAZ CHANNEL SURFED until Syd walked through the door and tossed her card key on the table. She looked like hell and her skin was a sickly alabaster; in fact she looked like she was about to come down with a nasty bug.
He turned off the television, stood and strolled over to her. “Babe, what’s wrong? You look terrible. Come on, let’s get you into bed.”
She smiled slightly. “I’m fine, really. I look worse than what’s really going on and I must have eaten something that didn’t agree with me but I feel okay.”
He still guided her to the sofa where he took off her shoes and slipped off her dress. If she was feeling better, he could have easily taken her there but sex was the farthest idea from his mind.
The tour was starting to take its toll and she wasn’t handling it very well. She didn’t look well rested and there were dark circles under her eyes hidden beneath expertly applied makeup.
“Baby, if you can’t do this then let me know. I won’t be angry if you feel like you need to go back to L.A. and chill for a while. This isn’t for the faint hearted and remember, before we hooked up, a heavy schedule for you was sleeping late, shopping and doing lunch with the girls. This is a very different environment and I don’t want to see you run yourself into the ground,” Kaz explained in a gentle voice.
Syd rolled her gorgeous steel blue eyes. “I’m not china, Kaz. I’ll be fine…really. I’m not coming down with anything. I just need to get some more rest and then I’ll be good as new. I promise. Tomorrow, I’ll look amazing and refreshed and you’ll want to fuck me again.”
His hands touched her face. “Hey, don’t do that. Don’t reduce what we have down to the physical pleasure we receive from one another. I don’t just love your body or your face. There is an essence…a person…your soul and it’s fucking beautiful and vulnerable and broken in its own way. We’re kindred spirits and we get one another. That’s what matters and everything else is just window dressing. You feelin’ me?”
Her eyes watered and although beforehand, this would have made him angry because she obviously couldn’t handle her emotions and was showing clear signs of weakness, at that very moment he only wanted to embrace and protect her.
His arms wrapped around her waist as she slid her arms around his neck and he held her as she began to openly sob. “I’m sorry…I know you hate it when I get like this and I despise myself for being such a blubbering idiot at this point but…I love you and I need to know you love me too. You show it in everything you do for me but just once…admit you love me, Kasper, and I swear to you I will never be insecure about what we have again. I promise.”
“That’s all you need, huh? For me to say that I love you?” he questioned before he knelt down and laid his head on her lap.
“Do you hate me for asking you the impossible?” She touched his chin and lifted his head. He could see the pain behind those gorgeous blue gray irises and he didn’t want to deny her request but what could he do when those three little words haunted him?
It should have been easy and the opposite of what it was like for a man like Kaz. He could express love once it was there much easier than he could say the words. Didn’t that mean anything to Sydney but as she continued to glare at him with those innocent eyes and the tears continued to roll down her cheek, he could feel her heart breaking.
“Baby,” he began, “you know I do…I have dragged you all over the States and half way around the world because I didn’t want us to be apart yet you still need reassurance? Why?”
Syd slid her arms around his neck again and leaned close to him. “How don’t I know you aren’t dragging me around just so you have a piece of pussy close by? I know how you feel about groupies, Kaz. They disgust you generally and you think it would be gross and ‘beneath’ you to involve yourself with the dirty little scrubbers. I wasn’t born yesterday and yes, it’s your social class coming through loud and clear. Isn’t that why you picked me? You knew I was clean, disease-free and of the same class and stature as you?”
He stood then; her arms fell away and he unlocked his. The only pleasure he desired at that moment was a stiff drink because he wasn’t ready to do the relationship talk with Syd yet again. It was two steps forward and three fucking steps back between them and frankly, he was tired of square dancing with her.
“Your class had nothing to do with why we are together,” he replied flippantly as he poured himself a stiff Macallan 30. “And remember you threw yourself at me. You made it obvious the moment we stepped on the yacht how much you desired me. Who was I to deny you?”
“I did not!” she screamed as she stood and he turned to face a scarlet-faced Sydney. “You were all over me in Nassau, talking about how you wanted more than a one night stand, Kaz, or did you conveniently forget this little fact?”
“I’m not denying anything. I’m a man and yes, I wanted you. But don’t get it twisted, sweetheart. I desire a lot of women and you aren’t the first and you certainly won’t be the last. I would give anything to fuck Talia because she is one hot fucking bitch and I know she knows what to do because she hasn’t foolishly saved herself for that special person. She’s not a whore but she’s had her fair share of men. No more than five but she’s aware of what more than one man’s dick looks like and what it feels like to have it inside her.”
“So, let me get this straight: I’m stupid for waiting for a man I wanted to have sex with? I should have been giving it away and you are punishing me for wanting to only be with you and no one else?”
“You’re highly skilled, Syd, but it’s because I have molded you into what I want you to be. I am not blaming you for anything and I think it is sweet you haven’t been with anyone else. However…that doesn’t mean I’m going to fall head over heels in love with you because I happen to be your first. Remember, you weren’t my first and I have had many, many women.”
Kaz swigged from his scotch. “And you’re wrong about me. I don’t judge a woman by their class. Both Keren and Damira had nothing and I loved them. I am best friends with Jaden—his father is president of Lucifer’s Saints. You don’t think we haven’t had to go parties and play just because? I have had plenty of club ass but I also protect myself and make sure I kept a supply of condoms.
“I’m not nearly as discriminatory as you think I am. I have dated all kinds and I enjoyed my whorish lifestyle for a long time. When I drank and did coke like it was going out of style, I wasn’t all that picky. As long as I could prove the woman had a pussy and she looked decent, she could hop on my cock. Why do you think Damira hates me? I may not have cheated on her during these fucking concerts but I sure as fuck wasn’t completely faithful to her.”
Syd strolled over to him and grabbed his glass before she drained the scotch in his glass. “I’m not a village idiot, Kaz. I know you were no choir boy and this is all fascinating but what does this have to do with you not being able to tell me you love me? Either you do or don’t and if you can’t tell me you love me then I’m sleeping in Misty’s and Keren’s suite tonight.”
Kaz laughed out loud. “Are you threatening me? Go ahead—fuckin’ stay with them because that isn’t going to get me to do anything I don’t want to do. I told you I would tell you I loved you when I was ready and that time hasn’t come yet. Suck it up, rich girl, and put your big girl panties on! Stop acting like a love sick teenager drunk off her first taste of cock.”
Syd grabbed a Lalique crystal vase and threw it at the wall where it shattered; roses and water decorated the beautiful mess on the Persi
an rug. “You fucking asshole. If that is gonna be your attitude then fuck you! You can jerk off tonight because I won’t be here to pick up the pieces!”
She grabbed her handbag and slammed her way out of their suite. Unfortunately, she’d forgotten her card key in the middle of her tirade.
Fucking women…couldn’t live with them and couldn’t live without them.
Kaz cleaned up the mess and set a white bath towel to soak up the excess water on the rug before he grabbed his card key and left the suite.
“SO SHE THREW a crystal vase at your head because you wouldn’t admit you loved her?”
Kaz was closer to the line of drunk than sober and he laughed out loud. “No. She just threw it against the wall. She never aimed it at me. Of course I am going to have to pay for that extravagant vase she broke in a fit of rage but what the fuck—she didn’t get her way.”
Talia shook her head sadly as she sipped from a dirty martini with extra olives.
They sat at the Promenade Bar across from the bartender and occasionally watched as he served drinks to various other wealthy patrons. He nursed Macallan scotch while she drank dirty martinis like they were going out of style. However, they were having fun and laughing.
“I know it’s hard to believe we are only a year apart but Syd is all…she’s a ball of nerves and you have to realize you have changed her whole life. The first time when Seth took my virginity, I didn’t know how to act. I still love him because he was my first but I know we shouldn’t be together. We’re poison to each other yet we can’t let go because I won’t abandon him when he needs me most.”
She finished her dirty martini and ordered another. “I told Syd and she doesn’t want to understand because unless a man is as sexy and sweet as you then you should just shed old baggage. I can’t do that…knowing about his childhood and what happened to him. He told me he had to tell you all about after that after the disastrous show at Madison Square Garden…”
“Yeah, he did but it was strictly business. I need to make sure the drugs aren’t interfering with his playing. We’re on tour and I understand we all have different ways of unwinding but then he needs to check that shit at the door. He can get high after the concert is over—but I need him dead sober for performances. You feel me?”
“I’ll keep him on the straight and narrow, Kaz.” Talia’s soft right hand grasped his left hand and squeezed. “Thanks for not getting rid of him. We all know you could have just dumped him off the tour and I would have been the lead singer of Winter’s Regret. Thank you because I know you didn’t have to do it.”
“I can’t even pretend I’m not worried about Wembley Stadium. Please tell him he has to bring his ‘A’ game. Eighty thousand is a lot of people to perform in front of and European crowds aren’t nearly as polite as American crowds. They will boo a lousy group in a heartbeat.”
Talia nodded her head. “I’ll let him know.”
KAZ PRACTICED THE following day at Wembley Stadium with the rest of the band. They decided to only run through a few songs because he would have to save up most of his strength for that night.
The stadium and venue were massive but they’d also sold out both concerts within an hour. The place would be packed solid while he played his heart out and his girlfriend wouldn’t talk to him. She took photos while Damira continued her documentary.
“Love you like a drug, what are we truly fighting for? Is this just to keep me in pain and tethered to your broken soul or are we really meant to act this cold? Do you really want me or is it what I can give you? Do you care about me at all while life keeps fucking me over? Will you continue to fuck me over too because I happen to be close and need to be used…by you?”
Kaz breathed into the mic as Jaden played one of the most intricate and difficult guitar solos while Will strummed the base and Grant played the drums.
He’d promised himself “Use Me, Abuse Me” would never be played at another concert after he and Damira divorced. It was an ode to her and every other fucked up relationship he’d endured. The song depressed the hell out of him because it was the first song he’d written while Randall continued his sadistic behavior.
The lyrics were a direct reminder of what he had been going through while he pretended the song was about a young woman, it was really about Randall and their twisted relationship. His brother would never know and neither would any of his significant others but the look on Syd’s face was all knowing.
It was much too eerie to look into those eyes and knew she glimpsed his soul. She took a few more candid photos before she walked away and once again, he was alone and without the only woman he’d loved for much too long. All because he couldn’t be bothered to actually say the words she so desperately needed to hear.
Kaz knew he was pathetic but everything was always done on his terms. They always had and they always would be regardless who came in and out of his life.
Keren had understood that and so had Damira but he realized Sydney Landvik couldn’t be compared to either of these two previous women. She was someone else entirely and she would fight him for an equal amount of domination and control every step of the way. She never gave in, not even when she lost her virginity to him. It was still on her terms and he’d been so blinded by lust, he hadn’t seen the forest for the trees.
All along she had been manipulating the situation to her benefit and he failed to comprehend this simple fact until that very moment.
“Use me and abuse me, take everything from me but know that you are drainin’ my very soul. Do you want a part of me or all of me? Tell me what you need from me just make the pain go away and I’ll do anything you say. Lay me down to die, make me want to cry just don’t leave me here like this!
“Use me and abuse me but you’ll never have all of me, my world has stopped spinning and I know that I am winning. I’ll fight you and I’ll beat you and I’ll feel every part of you but soon there will be nothing left to lust and existence will just cease…for both of us. I beg of you to…stop.”
The song ended and Kaz slid the mic on the stand before he walked off the stage without a word.
Talia met him on the way to the dressing room with tears in her eyes. “Jesus fucking wept—that was deep, man. You could have been talking about my relationship with Seth. Why am I needed to help you co-write your new album again?”
He smiled slightly before he replied, “I can’t write shit like that anymore. That song started out as a poem I wrote in my teens. I just don’t feel that kind of angst or pain. Seriously, our first three albums were literally old poems I’d written ages ago when I was angry and hopeless. Then I got therapy and treatment, which consisted of a psychotropic regimen. I had to stop taking the stuff because my creative juices stopped flowing and I couldn’t write anything I’d actually want our name attached to.
“Most of the songs were given to up and coming artists on Introspect Record’s label and I get paid but Scarlet Fever has always been known for quality. We don’t do filler albums and we have such great chemistry on stage, I’m hoping it translates to us writing the album together. I have high hopes for you, Tal.”
They walked together outside where he immediately lit a cigarette, dragged and exhaled before he sighed out loud in exasperation.
“I noticed Syd still isn’t speaking to you. Do you know she shared a suite with Seth and I last night? Thank God there is a sitting room because she passed out on one sofa and I passed out on the other. I couldn’t sleep with Seth, not when he was out cold due to a dose of hillbilly heroin. I could kill that fucker.”
“You can always leave, you know. I can call up Dominic and get you two separate suites if you like.”
Talia eyed the cigarette he was smoking with unfulfilled wanting before she focused on his gaze again. “That’s all right. It will be just an extra expense and besides, if it ever got that bad, I would just shack up with Misty and Keren. They’re decent enough…for biker chicks.”
Kaz took mercy on Talia and offered her his
cigarette which she snatched quickly and took a long drag before she inhaled and exhaled slowly. “I almost forgot what these tasted like. I have been smoke-free for almost two years and now look what my boyfriend has reduced me to but…it’s like that song. I can’t break free from him and I hate it but at the same time, if he was so unbearable, couldn’t I just cut loose of him?”
“Because love doesn’t work that way and we both know it…don’t we, Kasper?”
Both Kaz and Talia turned to see Syd standing there with her camera still in her hands.
“Do you mind if I take this?” Talia inquired as she held up Kaz’s cigarette.
“Nope.”
“Cool, we’ll chat later.” She walked off quickly and soon it was just him and Syd, face to face.
“Listen, I know I fucked up last night—”
“Why are you blaming yourself when it is my problem?” she questioned in a bitter tone. “I’m the one who can’t accept you aren’t ready to be serious about me and it just scares me because I don’t want to lose you. You don’t have to be with me—hell, Talia was drooling over your every word and she’s a good person but anyone with half a brain can see she is looking for an out. She doesn’t really want to be with Seth but at the moment, she doesn’t have a choice.”
Falling Into Love Page 2