“No one tells you about the depression or how you hate yourself and don’t want to get out of bed. It would have been different if the baby was…damaged…but it was a perfectly healthy fetus. I could have given the baby away for adoption or perhaps Seth and I would be happy…or happier than the way we are now. Who knows? I can’t take it back but at the same time, I couldn’t bring myself to condemn you for a decision that has to do with your body. Do you understand?”
The tears fell and afterwards, we shopped and I pretended everything before the Champs Élysées and Triangle d’Or was a bad dream.
A pair of warm arms wrapped around my waist and hot lips kissed my neck. “Are you okay, baby?”
I smiled as I was brought back to the present. My hands rested over Kaz’s and I leaned into him. “I was just remembering yesterday and I’m…so sorry.” I turned around and faced him. His beautiful eyes and gorgeous face were still perfect and exactly as I’d remembered.
“You should still hate me because I didn’t think…I’m a selfish, conceited bitch. I should have told you about the pregnancy when I suspected but I was so scared I’d end up like my mother. I was still only thinking about myself and not you or this innocent life I carry inside me. Please tell me you forgive me?”
Kaz rolled his eyes. “There is nothing to forgive. You didn’t go through with it, Syd. I was angry when Damira first told me because she didn’t know shit and…Talia wouldn’t tell me what happened. I saw red and all I could think about was you getting an abortion amounted to you not caring about me—about us. The thought nearly killed me but I didn’t have the whole story and I am sorry. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did.”
I placed my right hand over his mouth. “No more sorry or regrets from either one of us. We start here and now, okay? We promise to love and never let go of one another. If it’s you and me against the world then I am ready and I won’t ever keep any more secrets from you because I love you too much.”
His lips kissed my hand before he slipped it in his own. “I suppose one of these days you will expect me to make an honest woman out of you?”
We began to walk and left the hotel suite together. I didn’t answer his question until we were alone in the elevator.
“No, not really. You have already expressed your displeasure about marriage. I know it’s silly but we’ll just get the paperwork for the baby sorted through our own personal attorneys. Joint custody, okay? If anything happens between us, you don’t ever have to worry about losing our child because I won’t do that to you. I promise. I always want you to be in my life but if you aren’t then at least be involved with our child. It’s all I will ever ask of you.”
“You’re so beautiful…I don’t deserve you.”
I kissed him again to silence his fears. “Yes, you do.”
I DIDN’T THINK I would ever get used to the mega-stadiums in Europe. The Stade de France held eighty thousand people and it was massive. The good thing about a place being that huge was the chances of me running into Damira were slim to none. That duplicitous bitch had exposed my secret to break Kaz and I apart, not because she thought it was truly deplorable I hadn’t told him.
Whether she wanted to admit it or not, another woman in her ex-husband’s life meant the chance he would start again and have additional children. She couldn’t see the same could be said with her especially since she was engaged to a young, virile rock musician who would definitely want children. No, she didn’t want Kaz to be happy and if she could destroy our relationship, she would gladly.
Unfortunately, fate wasn’t on my side. I took multiple photos of Winter’s Regret as they performed and had to admit Seth was getting better. He had that sexy, dark look to him with his fair skin, dark hair and those gorgeous gray-green eyes of his. He was sex on a stick and the tats definitely helped.
I didn’t consider him as sexy as Kaz but I certainly could understand why Talia was reluctant to let him go. I bet he could fuck like a stallion too and his south Boston accent was downright sexy. Yes, he had a lot of negative qualities but I couldn’t help but think over all he was a good guy who had experienced a rough life and that wasn’t his fault.
The noise in the stadium was overwhelming and I wore my ear plugs because I looked forward to being able to hear when I was older, and accidentally bumped into Damira as she filmed. What were the odds? It wasn’t my night, I knew that for sure.
I merely glared at her before I walked off and went backstage where the guys were hanging out. Winter’s Regret was almost done with their performance and Scarlet Fever would be going on soon. Kaz immediately sat his lime-flavored Gatorade down and stood.
I put my camera down on an empty counter and leaned against it for support as he approached me. He arrived just in time to prevent me from falling to the ground.
“Are you okay?” he wondered in a concerned tone.
I nodded my head. “Yeah. I just got dizzy, that’s all.”
“Is that all, bitch?” a female voice inquired in a cold voice. “I saw the way you looked at me. If you have something to say then fucking spit it out.”
I stared at Damira and my eyes went as icy as my demeanor. “I have nothing to say to you. Not when you purposely tried to break up Kaz and I over bullshit. You knew I didn’t go through with the abortion because I told you I didn’t yet you still told him and made him believe I’d flushed his kid down the toilet you duplicitous cunt!”
Kaz gazed in her direction. “Syd told you she didn’t have the abortion.”
She rolled her eyes and placed an elegant hand on her slim waist. “How did I know she was actually telling the truth? I still think she should have told you and I thought you deserved to know she was contemplating throwing your baby away. You have no proof she’s still pregnant—”
“Wrong. I have the paperwork the doctor gave her and there is nothing wrong with my proficiency in French. She is pregnant and never got the procedure so why didn’t you just tell me that instead of making me think something different?”
“Open your eyes, Kaz! The baby is to trap you so you will stay with her. Surely you see that? She doesn’t love you. She’s using you because you’re rich and she needs to marry someone as equally rich as her. She’s nothing but a manipulative bitch who has you so pussy-whipped, you can’t see the forest for the trees. She isn’t a good person and she isn’t going to make you happy. Don’t you see that?” Damira exclaimed in sheer frustration and anger.
Kaz walked over to his ex-wife. “Listen to me very carefully: you are my ex and I have never once complained about Kris so show my significant other the same modicum of respect. Don’t resort to your two-faced, underhanded games. You never considered her a friend. She was nothing but someone you could get dirt on to tattle-tale back to me. For God’s sake, grow up and act like an adult!”
Damira pursed her lips and glared at him coldly. “Why don’t you do the same and expose all your dirty secrets? I know you haven’t told her all of them. You’re sitting on a major one and don’t you think she deserves the truth? If you love her—truly love her—then you would tell her everything and not just what you think she can handle.”
Kaz opened his mouth but the guys from Winter’s Regret walked in chatting and talking about what an awesome show they’d had. Talia even looked pleased as she smiled at me and winked before she embraced Seth who was covered in sweat.
“We’ll finish this later—”
“—no, we won’t, because there is nothing to talk about. I’m through with this whole lame discussion. You can do what ever the fuck you want with your little tart because when we get back to L.A., I am suing for full custody of Xander. You have never been a decent father to him but what could I expect when one considers your background?”
Damira turned on her heels and walked out in a hurry while I walked over to stop Kaz from following her.
“Ignore her—you guys go on stage in less than twenty minutes and you can’t afford to be angry. We will make sure we hire the be
st family law attorney there is and she will never get full custody of Xander, not if I have any say in your life? You feel me?” I said to him in a rush of emotions.
He nodded before he replied, “Yeah, I’m feelin’ you. I also know what a vindictive bitch she can be and I would hate for her to come between us.”
I embraced him by the waist and rested my head in the crook of his neck. “She hasn’t done it yet and she won’t. I promise you that.”
He kissed my forehead and I watched him walk away with his band mates. Jaden said something to him and I assumed he was attempting to calm him down.
My head dipped and I picked up my camera and began to ready myself when a cramp seized my body and I bent over in pain.
“Sweetie, are you okay?” Faith wondered out loud.
Despite the frequency of our arguments, she was like my sister and constantly worried about me.
“I think so. Just probably the stress of the situation…” I trailed off as another cramp seized my body and I physically dropped to my knees.
Laurel and Sasha stopped talking.
“My God, you have gone pale as a sheet. Something is definitely not okay.” Laurel stood. “I’m going to get Kaz!”
“No!” I exclaimed out loud. “Don’t…they can’t cancel the concert…the fans would go mental and we can’t have that happening.”
Faith looked at Laurel before she stared my way, her eyes more gray at that moment with a pale green crescent circling the pupils. “Fine, but you let Laurel and I take you to get checked out.”
I looked at my two best friends and knew they wouldn’t budge. “Fine, let’s go.”
I MISSED THE whole concert due to being stuck at the hospital.
The doctor on duty took my vitals and the worried expression on his face told me all I needed to know.
Before I could process what was happening, I was being prepared for surgery and an emergency D&C was performed on me.
The doctor came in shortly after I’d been transferred to the recovery room. “It’s important for you to know that some children aren’t meant to be born. I know you wanted this child but it wasn’t meant for you, chérie. We had to perform an emergency D&C because you began to hemorrhage and if we hadn’t taken the child then you could have bled to death and that wasn’t going to happen on my watch. We would like to keep you in overnight for observations just to be on the safe side but…if you wish to go back to your hotel, you can. We only ask you come back tomorrow to get checked out and again before you leave the country.”
I nodded my head as the tears flowed down my face. I was going to keep the baby and the next moment, I was being told by a doctor I wouldn’t because my baby decided he or she didn’t want me as a mother after all.
I continued to sob as Kaz walked in and embraced me. “I came as soon as the concert ended. Baby, it wasn’t your fault. You would have bled to death if Faith and Laurel hadn’t acted so fast. I’m just glad you’re alive. We can try for another child and that doesn’t mean we won’t eventually have one.”
He handed me tissue and I dried my eyes before I blew my nose. “I really wanted this baby and…”
“I know, so did I.” He blinked the tears away. “Come on, let’s get you dressed so we can head back to the hotel. You’re not going to do any work for the next few days, all right? Laurel has agreed to take over for the time being and will photograph in your place. She’s highly capable and we might have to hire her on anyway. With these mega-domes, it might work out better to have two photographers.”
“Okay,” I whispered before I sniffled.
The ride back to hotel was sheer torture for me but I put on a brave face for Kaz’s sake. He made sure I was comfortably situated before I took my pain pills with a shot of Macallan 30 and soon, my mind sent me off to a place far, far away.
Chapter Six
Confessions in Marseille
KAZ WISHED HE had been given the proper amount of time to mourn the loss of a child that was never meant to be born but the world kept spinning and the tour didn’t stop. Their next stop was the Stade Vélodrome in Marseille. Although a smaller venue, it was still a mega-stadium that held forty-two thousand people.
Europe had always been a hard leg and the major reason why he refused to perform more than fifteen concerts there. They still had a couple shows in Germany, one in the Netherlands, one in Belgium, one in Denmark, one in Norway, one in Sweden and one in Finland.
Southern Europe had officially been cut once the recession had set in and Introspect Records decided it wasn’t a viable option. They would make up the lost revenue by just doing the show the record company arranged in Dubai before they headed to China where they had a couple shows, Japan, Australia and New Zealand.
Australia was a huge market for both Scarlet Fever and Winter’s Regret. The crowds were massive, and both groups had tons of fans in a country that was huge despite a population of roughly twenty-two million people. They always performed a multiple number of shows in Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane, the three most highly populated areas of the country.
Kaz hated there was still so many concerts to be completed yet but all he could think of was getting through this tour and then everyone could take much needed breaks. They could go back into the studio and perhaps wait a year or so before they toured again. It had been too much too soon and they were all on the verge of burnout.
After he’d finished practicing with the band, he left the stage after handing his guitar to his trusty technician, a wise-cracking Northern Irishman, and prepared to go back to the hotel, the Villa Massalia Concorde, where the band took up all the suites available.
He ran into Laurel on the way out and she smiled at him before she asked the question he’d looked forward to from her: “Where’s Will?”
“I think he went straight back to the hotel. Why? What’s up? How’s Syd?”
Laurel met his eyes, her intriguing hazel-green irises bright with unexpressed emotions. “Well, she’s being herself. Don’t be too concerned if she doesn’t want to discuss the whole incident. She’s like that…it’s a Scandinavian thing. We don’t dwell on disappointing issues. We move on and look toward the future so don’t think it’s not because she doesn’t care about the loss of the baby. She just can’t dwell on it because it isn’t in her DNA.”
“I can understand that.” He smiled as she touched his right arm in a delicate manner before she strolled off.
Kaz began to walk again and was less than pleased when he ran directly into Damira. Her face immediately became crestfallen as she quickly approached him.
“Listen, I am sorry about what happened to Sydney. It is an awful situation and I just hope she can get over her loss. She’s young and vibrant—it isn’t like she can’t get pregnant again. I hope you don’t blame me in any way. That would be most unfortunate.”
His exhaustion over the arguments he’d shared with Damira during the tour were boundless. Frankly, she physically wore him out while mentally, she left nothing behind but self-doubt and pity, both emotions he hated to feel about himself. “Does that mean you won’t be pursuing full custody of Xander? At this point, he should be the only concern between you and me.”
Her amber eyes searched his for something she wanted to desperately see but was obviously missing. “No, that’s over. It’s hard enough you’ve gone through what has happened recently. I think we can make joint custody work, don’t you?”
A breath caught in his throat released itself and he breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks. You have no idea how much that means to me.”
Damira embraced him quickly before she pulled away. “Yes, I do.”
Kaz felt pretty good as he sat in the back of a Cadillac Escalade while a personal driver drove him back to his hotel. His personal phone, a Ulysse Nardin, began to ring and he checked the Caller ID: it was a six-one-seven area code—Beacon Hill, Massachusetts.
He pressed the answer button. “Hello?”
“Listen, I heard about your predicam
ent, son, and I just wanted to say I’m sorry about what happened. I hope your girlfriend will be all right. It’s a horrible situation. How are you doing, Kasper?”
“I’m fine, Dad.” He cleared his throat. “I didn’t think you followed the tabloids. Thanks for calling me to make sure I’m okay.”
His father was quiet for a moment. “You know how I feel about you. We both know the truth but I raised you as my own and I do love you. I just wished you had done something more noble with your life other than becoming something as reckless and blue-collar as a rock star. However, when we consider the circumstances of your birth, perhaps waddling in filth is in your DNA.”
Falling Into Love Page 6