by Zee Monodee
So her mother was going shopping with her best friend and the other woman’s daughter. Good riddance.
“You can breathe now,” her father said.
Neha glanced at him. Before she knew it, they’d both started laughing.
“It’s good to see some colour back in your cheeks. You’re feeling better?”
“Almost human.”
“Good. You got any tea here?”
“Sure.” She smiled and went to the teapot, where she poured him a cuppa. Her father and she were the tea addicts in the family. A far cry from her coffee-loving sisters.
She was placing the cup in front of him when the front door slammed shut, and Neha swore all the walls in the house shook.
“Don’t tell me,” her father said. “A teenage girl just walked out.”
“How’d you know?”
“I’ve had three back in the day, you forgot? Not to mention how Diya was one of them three girls.”
“Almost Hell on Earth in itself, innit, dealing with her?”
“Oh, yes. And seems to me Suzanne takes after her youngest aunt.”
Neha sighed and sat down across from him. “Things got complicated a short while back. She was such a nice, easy-going girl before.”
“Winning the contest?”
The time did coincide. “Just … something came up between us. That’s all.”
He took a sip of his tea. “You want to talk about it?”
“I’d prefer not to.”
“One piece of advice. Teenage girls usually get over it.”
She doubted Suzanne would ever get over this episode, about as likely as she’d let Neha live it down.
Her father put his cup down.
“If you were any of my other daughters, I’d also tell you to think back to your own teenage days.” He sighed. “But this is you we’re talking about here.”
His words piqued her, and she stiffened. “What do you mean?”
He chuckled, then sobered. “Diya gave us Hell until she married Trent. God bless that boy for the calming influence he’s had on her. Lara, well, Lara went through her own Hell, and we only caught on to it much too late. Whereas you, you never gave us any grief, nothing.”
“And that was wrong?”
She’d been doing the right thing, what had been expected of her. Surely, he’d have been happy about it, wouldn’t he?
“No,” he said. “But it wasn’t right, either.”
She frowned. “I’m not sure I follow you.”
“Sweetheart, you just seemed to go through life as if on auto pilot. No, don’t interrupt me,” he said when she’d been about to say something. “You went to school, got good grades and never one less-than-stellar report. Then, you got engaged, married, and had children.”
“Well, it’s what everyone expected of me, innit?”
“Maybe your mother, but is it what you wanted?”
A headache started to build behind her forehead. “Dad, what is this all about?”
“You see, sweetie? You always come right down to the heart of the matter. You’ve never paused or even thought to wander, have you?”
He wasn’t making any sense. Or was he? And making too much sense, too.
“Dad,” she started, but he interrupted her.
“Neha, I’ve seen my daughters go through trial and trauma. I’ve watched them stumble and make mistakes. But never you. That’s not healthy.”
She gave a small laugh. “Seriously, Dad. So my life never resembled a roller coaster. So what?”
Never mind the recent months, since a certain man had stepped into her world. That period qualified for most scary ride ever.
“You know, I always wondered if you were doing the right thing when you married Rahul.”
Sometimes in the recent past, she had asked herself the same thing. But how had he come to the same conclusion?
“I beg your pardon? You didn’t like him? All this time?”
“Oh, I liked him enough. He was a good man.” Her father paused. “But maybe not the right one for you.”
“Come on, you cannot be serious ...” The words died when she saw his intent expression.
“Neha, you never loved him. Admit it.”
“Dad!” She almost strangled on the word in her surprise.
He reached for her hand and clasped it between his warm palms. “Losing someone dear is hard, but sweetheart, I keep thinking I’m not sorry Rahul is not in your life any longer.”
She remained silent, more so because she stood at a loss for words, and the tears prickling her eyes were the only things she felt right then.
“Something happened to you, when you lost him,” he said. “I won’t ask what, but before the past few weeks, before you heard news confirming your husband’s death, that something has proven to be good and positive in your life.”
She bit her lip. He was so right.
“Then, you seemed to let go of it—”
“And I made a mistake, Dad,” she said softly.
He squeezed her hand. “We all learn from our mistakes. That’s why we should make them in the first place.”
***
Neha thought about her father’s words long after he’d left. Well into the night, alone in her bed, she pondered upon the revelations of the past few days.
So people made mistakes, and learned from them. She’d made one, and with a small cackle, she realized, her first. Well, it had been the first she regretted. As things stood, marrying Rahul had been her first mistake. Or had it been the unhealthy competition she’d thought she needed to uphold with Lara?
Not that she didn’t regret this one. But on that issue, things had settled down. She and her sister had been able to work through it, and though they’d both been hurt, they walked on the path to reconstructing their relationship.
About Rahul, she didn’t really know. She couldn’t regret her marriage with him, because it had given her those three bright children she loved more than anything in the world, even when they were giving her so much grief.
Neha grimaced when she thought how the eldest of the lot didn’t prove so adorable any more. Where had she gone wrong with her daughter?
And then, she knew. A man lay at the heart of the matter. A man she had won, loved, and ultimately lost. By her own fault. Through her own mistake, one she couldn’t set right. Because Logan was a man who deserved more. She couldn’t hope an apology would wipe the slate clean.
Turning over, hugging a pillow to her, she buried her face in its thickness. Life happened, mistakes happened, and people had no other choice than to move on. She couldn’t be sure that if she moved it would be onward, but move, she had to.
Find your own place, had been her father’s parting words in their honest conversation.
Her place was meant to be with Logan, because like Suzanne had said, a wonderful man had been mad about her. What Logan had given her, he hadn’t given anyone else. His feelings, his whole heart and soul, had been in those moments he had shared with her. How had she not seen it?
She’d been too stuck on her bias of right and wrong. She’d never thought to wander, always getting right to the point. A point that had too often been skewed by someone else’s idea of logic. It had never been her idea of right and wrong.
With her eyes finally open, Neha contemplated the desolation in the vast empty plains of her existence. They said “better late than never,” but ‘they’ never knew how much it could hurt—‘late’ not so great a prospect in the scheme of things. All the messes of her life were slowly unravelling before her eyes. Some she could right; most she couldn’t.
What she did know, she thought as she turned onto her back and stared at the ceiling, was that she needed to start upon a new journey. For this to happen, she would have to bring some closure to the messes she could right.
Neha willed sleep to come. For the first time in weeks, she slept peacefully.
***
The door slammed shut. Again. And one time too many.
Suzanne didn’t invite her to come in. Instead, she turned her back to the door, apparently entranced by something in her school backpack.
“All right,” Neha said. “That’s enough.”
She stalked into the room, grabbed the girl by the arm, and pushed her into a sitting position onto the bed. “Out with it.”
“Out with what?” the teen asked in a cool voice, even as her eyes shot daggers at her mother.
“Say it. Say what you have on your heart and then get over it.”
Suzanne kept mum, glaring at her. Neha didn’t budge, remaining in her stance where she stood at the foot of the bed.
“You broke up with him,” the girl said.
Her insides wavered, but she didn’t let the reaction show outwardly. “Yes, I did. I’d suggest you move on because it’s what I’m going to do.”
Suzanne shot to her feet. “How can you even think of doing so?”
“I can, and I will. You, too.”
“But he loves you!”
“As I love him.”
“Then what’s the problem?” Suzanne asked. “Wait, you haven’t told him. I can call him, tell him you said—”
“No, you won’t, because it’s between me and him.”
“But, Mum—”
“No buts, Suzanne. Sometimes, things don’t work out the way we want them to despite our best intentions.”
The girl remained silent, holding Neha’s gaze, before she lowered her eyes and sank onto the bed. “It’s not fair.”
Her heart went out to her daughter. Suzanne’s first heartache, and not even for a man she loved as one loved the other half of one’s heart. Suzanne was losing a father here, and maybe that hurt most.
Going to sit on the bed, she reached out with one hand and tucked a lock of long black hair behind the girl’s ear.
“Life is what it is, Suze. We play along. I made a terrible mistake with Logan, one I regret with all my heart, but also one I cannot erase or make right.”
“Then tell him you’re sorry. He’ll understand.”
Neha shook her head. “I will say sorry. As soon as I meet him next. But just because you love someone doesn’t mean you should forgive and forget everything the other person has done. Especially when this person has hurt you in a really awful way.”
She waited with trepidation for her daughter to answer. For Suzanne to say that she must be an absolute monster if she had hurt Logan this way.
Yet, no reply came forth, except for sobs wracking the girl’s body.
She opened her arms. Suzanne let her hug her, and after a while, laid her head on her mother’s shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” Neha whispered in her hair.
All she had left to say. To Suzanne, to Logan. Then, like she’d told her daughter, she would have to move on. She didn’t kid herself life would be all rosy and back to normal afterward. No, they dealt with real life here, where shades of grey existed and nothing was ever simply black or white, as she’d believed in the past.
She couldn’t hold on to the hope that the people she’d hurt would forgive her, but for her own peace of mind, and to finally grow up and grow out of her little self-created bubble, she needed to apologize.
Nothing, and no one, said it would be easy.
But then, too, it’s what life was about.
***
At half past five on Thursday, Logan burst into the news studio. His plane had been delayed, and he’d rushed here from the airport. He’d given his word to Jim and Meg that he’d be here to relieve them of their duties. He couldn’t have piked out when he had a chance to reach the station before the broadcast started.
With this in mind, ever since he’d set foot on Mauritian soil, he’d been glued to his mobile to try to get back into the groove of anchoring. In the past few days, he’d logged onto the station’s VPN to keep an eye on the place and to remain in touch with what happened. All this helped him to get ready for the day’s bulletin as he sped up on the roads and dashed into the premises.
He nearly skidded to a halt when he saw her. She had lost weight. It didn’t suit her. He preferred her when she was curvy and soft. She looked close to becoming skin and bones soon. Underneath the makeup, she must look like death warmed over. Yet, here she stood, ready for work. It must mean she had recovered enough to feel up to this.
What should you care about her? Neha wasn’t his anymore.
But the way she looked at him when he walked in, the way she parted her lips and her big eyes drank in the sight of him—if he weren’t careful, he could fall for that too easily.
To be hurt again.
To be honest, Logan didn’t really relish becoming a doormat she’d trample at every given chance. There was just this much a man was willing to take despite knowing he had found The One for him.
Neha lived in her world, with her own set of rules and beliefs. If they proved warped, well, none of his business. The woman he wanted, the one he craved, was the Neha who had abandoned herself with no care for right or wrong in his arms. That woman had been free, and it’s how he needed her to be for there to be anything between them.
Logan shook these notions off. Why was he bothering with imagining all this? They were through, the two of them. Thinking back to Tyler’s words, telling him to give her time, he almost paused. Nothing but wishful thinking, to imagine she could’ve changed in such a short time.
Then, he thought of the one piece of information to maybe change everything. Sandeep Jain. The more he’d pondered the man, the more he’d been convinced her husband hid under the alias. The coincidence would be too momentous. He’d worked out all the implications of this. If Rahul were still alive, it meant Neha was a married woman.
He’d snorted then, anger getting the better of him. So much for her ideas of right and wrong. What would she do if she knew she had committed adultery with him?
Would she have chosen to be with him, if she’d known?
The question plagued him. The answer to this enquiry would tell him whether she loved him or not. His world would be made right again if she’d answer yes. If she said no, then he couldn’t help but imagine how the guilt would eat her alive. Exactly like the hurt would decimate him from inside.
Yes, he wouldn’t deny it. If she threw him away despite all he’d given her and been willing to give her, he’d want her to hurt as bad as possible.
But neither here nor there. The bulletin called to him. Sliding into his camera-facing persona, he got on with his anchoring job.
Strange to sit beside Neha and suddenly be so disconnected from her. Was she already a part of his past? Could there be hope that one day, he might get over her?
The following debriefing in his office turned into another coldly professional affair. He couldn’t miss or deny the tension that settled like a heavy cloak above them. At the same time, he couldn’t help but realize Neha seemed different. An edge had appeared in her eyes. Where previously, they may have seemed lost and wandered from left to right, now, they stayed sharp and focused.
She looked … sad, and this struck something in his chest.
Once the debriefing was over, she shuffled in her chair.
“Something the matter?” he asked.
“I … I’ll need next week off. Monday through Friday.”
He narrowed his eyes on her. “May I ask for what reason?”
Bugger, how could they sound so calm and aloof? Were they the same people who had burned down this very office with their passionate lovemaking?
“It’s Suzanne’s first stint as brand ambassador. She’ll be part of the launch of Angénue in India. They want me to come with her to Mumbai, seeing as she’s still so young. We should be leaving Monday morning and reaching back here on Friday night.”
“Okay.”
So at least, she wasn’t taking leave to get married. He didn’t know what he would’ve done if it
had been the case.
“Thanks.”
She seemed to hesitate to stand. Her gaze lowered, she bit her lip. Neha used to do this when she had something on her mind.
“Anything else?” he asked.
She shook her head and stood. He went back to looking blankly at the papers on his desk. The words jumbled in front of his eyes, but he wanted her to believe he’d gotten engrossed in the work, not focusing on her at all.
He felt more than saw her stop at the door, and he glanced up. She had one hand on the handle, and then, she turned towards him.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
In a flash, he shot out of his chair and stalked to her.
“What?” he asked as he stopped in front of her.
“For everything,” she said as she looked down. “For saying the things I did. For hurting you like that.”
Was he hearing right? Or could it be jet lag playing with his mind?
He brought his hand up and closed it on her fingers on the door grip. “What are you trying to tell me, Neha?”
She remained with her gaze lowered.
“Look at me,” he said softly.
When she failed to do so, with his other hand, he gently tipped her chin until she peered up at him.
“Tell me.”
How could he have forgotten how much she needed to be cajoled to speak her mind? Except for the fateful day when she had pushed him away. He closed his eyes briefly. He wouldn’t think of that.
She darted her tongue out and licked her lips. He groaned inwardly. Didn’t she know how sexy she looked when she did that?
“I made a mistake.”
“What?” He frowned.
“Telling you to go. I made a mistake. I know it now, and I’m sorry.”
It felt as if the air got sucked from around him. He’d craved to hear this. No need even for an apology, but her acknowledging they were good flowed over him like a dream coming true right now.
“Only asking me to leave was the mistake?” he asked. “Not us?”
She shook her head.