It might have been a minute or two that had passed, or maybe ten or twenty. Nothing had changed. No bonfire magically appeared. No lights. No guide showing the way. Damn. I know that stuff like that doesn’t just happen, that it takes time to get on the right vibe, but time wasn’t something I had much of. I put my shoes on and started walking. It wasn’t long before I started questioning if I was going in the right direction. I hadn’t seen any fires or any of the other group members. Aside from a fence that took forever to find a way around, the space around me was empty.
Uncertainty has a way of freezing those parts of us that keep us moving forward – in this case, my feet. They stopped mid-stride, waiting for a signal from my mind to move ahead.
I spun around, suddenly disoriented. So much darkness suffocated me, squeezing the air from my lungs from the inside out. Inky black coated my skin, seeped into my mouth, and claimed my eyes and ears. The abyss. It was exactly like it had been six years ago when my common sense completely froze and sent me headlong into a blind panic. That hysteria began the domino effect and ultimate demise of the life I knew - the life that I both loved and hated. My fists tightened with resolve until they ached. I was going to make this happen. I would make it to the other fire.
But I needed help.
“Hello?” I called out to the night hoping for another human voice. Muffled silence wrapped around me, like a velvet-lined box, making me feel that I was enclosed in a container, rather than standing in the harsh, unfiltered expanse of night. I kicked off my shoes again, stood firm, and dug my toes into the damp dirt, focused entirely on establishing a connection. Tingling filtered up through the bottom of my feet and stoked my confidence a little, but not enough.
“Help me,” I whispered, tilting my chin and blinking into the night sky, waiting… and waiting.
The sound of rushing water rose up and crushed the silence, like an underground spring breaking the surface and gasping for air.
“What the hell?” I spun in the direction of the sound. “Where did you come from?” I grabbed my shoes and ran in the direction of what sounded like a river - a river that couldn’t have been there before. It was possible that I was so focused on hearing other sounds that I had been oblivious to this one, but… no. That noise would be hard to ignore.
When Mom had been part of a coven, she’d done gatherings similar to this. She told me about fences that she ran into, huge holes in the ground, clusters of thorn bushes that appeared in her path that, when she went back days later, weren’t there. Those were things that most would consider unbelievable, but to the coven, they were signs and blessings.
So which one was the river? Something to guide me, or to challenge me? Or was this free-flowing river merely something for me to discover the meaning of?
When I got to its edge, I didn’t know how to interpret this. Upstream, downstream, or straight across. Hell, maybe it was symbolic of my life. Crouching along the side, I jabbed my fingers in the chilly water to test for depth. There was no way to know how fast the water was going, how deep or how wide it was. I supposed I could follow it, a little like a yellow brick road, but was that the right choice?
The stars were all knowing and all seeing. I mean, they’re up there, watching everything that goes on down here right?
“Come on,” I whispered to them. “A clue.”
Delivery was quick. I spun around at the one sound I really, really didn’t want to hear. My hands were thrust out in front of me, waving them in a threatening way, but I had no idea what I was waving at.
A low-pitched growl came from the left. I spun and shielded myself against a slight movement of space to my right.
Shit! The air in my lungs was caught in my chest and I couldn’t work up the scream that sat behind it. Something brushed the back of my legs, almost making them buckle. I spun around again. There was no way I was going to down without a fight. Closing my eyes cut out the distraction of the things I thought were out there and I focused instead on the shifting air for any movement. There was an unrest, mirrored in the tiny whimper that carried on the breeze. Adrenaline found its way into my bloodstream and filled my leg muscles. I turned to the sweet, clear, lyrical song of the rushing water, hoping like hell these dogs or wolves weren’t going to jump on my back.
Landing in thigh-deep water sent an instant numbing shock through my body and stiffened my joints. The water dropped to my shins, then my ankles as I splashed across. My toe caught on a rock and sent me sprawling on the other side, but I got up and kept running, keeping my ears open and my palms out, every so often stopping and listening for any sound besides the thudding of my heart. But there was nothing to guide me, nothing to force me to make a decision.
I slowed my pace. The ache in my chest eased up and my breaths found a steady pattern. From the looks of the lightening sky, I’d been wandering around for, what, seven hours, maybe? Where did the night go?
“Alyx.” My voice was loud in the predawn silence. “You’re up the creek without a bonfire.” The stars were probably having a great laugh at me. “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I said, looking to the sky.
Heading up a gentle slope, motivation and energy drained out my soles and left an imprint in the grass beneath my steps. I closed my eyes and again asked for help. What I really wanted was the bus to take me back to the castle, but I’d settle for a safe place to lie down.
Letting my lids take their time to open, I took in the most welcome, breathtaking sight, one I swore I’d never forget. A large willow tree, its branches silhouetted against the pre-dawn light, that broadened as I walked closer. The drooping branches dipped over me like an umbrella and seemed to point to a clearing at the base of the trunk.
My safe place.
Sinking down into the dirt, I pulled my legs close to my chest and pressed my forehead against my knees. I thought I could do this. I wanted to beat this and prove to Mom I had learned, that I had matured. I wanted to know if I had the connection and insight. Tipping my head back, I closed my eyes against the stars that blinked with fading strength through the branches and leaves of the willow.
Please let them find me soon.
The familiar hum of energy connected with my feet and my toes responded by digging deep into the earth, releasing the sweet smell of the fertile soil into the growing dawn.
There will be another time. Another chance to prove myself, as long as my mom had faith in me. Right now, though, I was too tired to care.
CHAPTER FIVE
Taylor snapped her phone shut and reached for her jacket. “We’re going to the old shack with Jake and everybody.”
She hadn’t been at my house for more than ten minutes before she’d texted around and started making plans. I stayed focused on the magazine I’d been flipping through so she wouldn’t see my eyes roll. Whenever we hooked up with “everybody,” Jake and Todd in particular, things usually got a little whacked out. Like when they picked a fight with a tourist at the bowling alley, for no apparent reason, and got us kicked out. Or the time they pulled the “fire-in-the-hole” prank at one of the fast-food restaurants. Todd and Jake thought it was hilarious when Jake ordered a soft drink and tossed it back at the girl in the window. The cop sitting in his car in the parking lot didn’t think it was all that funny.
I really didn’t want to go to the shack. I wanted to stay home and maybe watch a movie. Besides, the shack was in a creepy area of Sandpoint, where people lived off the grid and stayed out of sight. I don’t think anyone had lived in the shack for years, so a lot of kids went there to party. I wasn’t into it.
“So what if I don’t want to go?” I asked.
In one quick motion, Taylor grabbed the magazine from my lap and yanked on my wrist hard enough to pull me to my feet.
“Come on. This will be fun. We haven’t been to the shack for a long time.”
Tugging on my wrist, I pointed out, “We haven’t just hung out and watched a movie for a long time, either.”
Her foot came down in a petulant sto
mp. Right on cue.
“Come on,” she said again. “I don’t want to go without you. Besides, Caleb will be there.”
Caleb. Her plaything of the month. Pure filler material. This time I let her see my eyes roll.
“It’s kind of cold tonight,” I said, twisting my wrist out of her grip.
“It’s not that cold. Besides, we’ll have a bonfire.”
My breath hitched before I could stop it. I turned and pretended to cough. It didn’t do much to ease the anxiety, but I hoped it was enough to distract Taylor. Knowing Jake and Todd, the fire would be bigger than I’d be comfortable with.
“I think I’ll pass,” I said.
Taylor held the magazine just out of my grasp when I reached for it.
“Look at me, Alyx,” she said, maneuvering her face in front of mine. “You had a funny look when I mentioned the bonfire.” Her eyes narrowed. “Are you afraid?”
Instead of turning away, I should have faced her and my stupid fear head on. But I didn’t. Sometimes I underestimate her perception.
Again, she moved in front of me and pointed a finger in my face. “You are afraid, aren’t you?”
I bit my lip to keep it from trembling. Of course fire scared the crap out of me, but I refused to let her see how much.
“What happened? Did you get burned or something when you were little?”
Compassion was never one of Taylor’s strong points, so when I didn’t answer, she changed tactics. “It’s only a small, itty, bitty fire. There’s no way it’ll get out of control.”
Oh, she had no idea…
“Whatever happened to you, it couldn’t have been that bad.” She planted her hands on her hips.
Things would have gotten very uncomfortable between us had I not shoved six years’ worth of fear and anger into my fists and locked them in tight. The emotions fell from my face and a practiced smile slid into position.
“It’s not the fire, Taylor. It’s Jake and Todd I don’t like. They’re so freakin’ annoying.” I smoothed over the lie with the truth.
She considered this for a few moments, then her eyes lost their accusing squint.
“Well, if that’s all, it’s no big deal,” she shrugged. “Just ignore them. You’re going to be with me.”
~ ~ ~
Out of the nine of us there, I was the odd one out. Megan and Crystal were hooked up with Scott and Andrew, Taylor was with Caleb, and Jake and Todd sat with a six pack of beer between them. I sat away from everyone – not with Taylor like she said I would. Honestly, though, I was glad. Taylor probably would have insisted we sit closer to the fire to keep the chill off. I was perfectly fine where I was – ten feet away, just beyond the unseen wall where I should be able to feel the heat.
The unmistakable sound of deep inhalation followed by silence made me cringe. Dumb and Dumber were getting wasted and stoned. The smell of weed crept over and invaded my space. I wished I stayed home.
I covered my nose and avoided looking into the fire. I focused instead on the red embers burning the end of my cigarette. Still hot, still born from a flame, but not as intimidating as what danced in front of me. I took up smoking a couple years ago, but it was my way of having control of my fear of fires. Each time I lit up was a small victory for me. I almost had the beast beaten. Even though fire still scared me, I wasn’t running away. It was all about baby steps.
The stench of skunk weed pushed against my face when Todd squatted next to me. He offered me his joint.
I shook my head. “No thanks. I don’t smoke pot.”
“Oh, like that’s better for you?” He pointed to my cigarette.
“At least this doesn’t make me stupid,” I shot back.
“Bitch,” he muttered. He stood up and walked to the other side of the fire where Caleb and Taylor were tangled in a lip lock.
Huh. Well, Todd’s comment certainly didn’t help my mood. Neither did watching Caleb and Taylor making out. It was so easy for her to go from guy to guy. I never understood how someone did that. Then again, I’ve never had a lot of boyfriends like Taylor had. I was old fashioned, I guess. My body and my heart couldn’t be separated from my emotions.
A deep, grumbling burp broke the relative quiet.
“Oh, God, Jake! Don’t be so gross!” Megan punched him in the shoulder.
He laughed. “You ain’t seen nothin’!”
His beer can hit the rocks that circled the bonfire before bouncing in. Perfect. The tipping point from stupid to asinine.
And right on cue, whoots and girlie screams egged him on to reach his personal best for the highest pee arch.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered to the fire. “That’s just so wrong.”
“Hey! Check it out.” Todd faced the dark space behind us. “A zombie dog.”
We looked to where he pointed. Just outside the glow of the bonfire stood a dog with short, kind of mangy, tan-colored fur.
“Eww.” Megan cringed. “He’s missing an eye.”
I stood up and stepped closer to the dog. A scar slashed deep across its right eye, making it only look as if his eye was missing. But his right front leg definitely was.
“Come here, boy,” Todd said, patting his thigh in encouragement.
“Todd, don’t,” I said. “Leave him alone.”
He shot me a yeah, right look and started after the dog, who hopped back a little, but wasn’t fast enough to escape Todd’s reach.
Todd picked up the dog, turned, and started toward the fire.
“Put him down,” I demanded, putting myself in front of him.
Todd was a good six inches taller than me and outweighed me by at least fifty pounds. His grip on the dog tightened every time it twisted around to try to bite him. Todd was so high, I doubted he would know if he’d gotten bit anyway.
He snorted and pushed past me like I was nothing.
“Zombie dogs have to be destroyed,” Todd said in a voice I’m sure was meant to mimic some obnoxious zombie movie he’d seen. He succeeded in sounding stupid and only pissed me off.
Helpless in Todd’s hold, the dog spread its paws out in front of him as they got closer to the heat. Its body wiggled and twisted to break free. It didn’t matter if Todd was serious or not because the dog’s panic became mine. Its haggard breaths echoed my own and its wide eyes glistened with growing fear of the unknown.
My pulse raced, threatening to explode out of my jugular.
“Damn it, Todd! Stop it! You’re scaring him!” I grabbed his arm.
Totally stoned from the weed, he stopped and looked down at me, eyes glazed over as if he’d forgotten that I was there.
Across the fire Taylor and Caleb had stopped making out and stared, mouths hanging open. The others looked equally shocked, but outside of shaking their heads or whispering to each other, none of them made a move.
“Would one of you freakin’ help?” My voice was rough against my dry throat.
The glassy look in Todd’s eyes cleared and he easily shook me off.
I lunged at him again, this time taking his collar in both hands and yanking back with all my weight.
He lost his balance and caught his heel on a rock, landing hard on his back.
“Oww!”
The dog wiggled free as soon as Todd hit the ground and used his chest to gain traction.
“Goddamn dog! What the hell, Alyx?”
“No, what the hell, Todd? What were you thinking?” It didn’t matter what his answer was because I didn’t care. He didn’t get it. None of them did. They couldn’t feel the flames startle in response to the beer cans or Jake’s brilliant arc of pee. Even though the trees were still, their whispered discord sifted through the leaves. The earth felt it. I felt it.
I don’t know. Maybe it was me who didn’t understand.
~ ~ ~
I finally came to a conclusion. It doesn’t matter what face we show the world. If it’s not who we really are, our true, authentic self will eventually break through. It may take awhile, but it’ll ha
ppen.
The reflection in my mirror was beginning to look less like me and more like my mother. My eyes had lost the superficial animation and emanated their own glow; the blue was bluer and the shine was brighter.
What held me back all those years was that, even though I knew I was a light worker, I saw what my mother went through. The spiritual, mystical, healing arts woman that she was actually scared people. They marked her as “woo-woo.” I won’t lie. After moving to Sandpoint, I worried about what the others would say about me if they found out I practiced with Mom. I wanted to forget everything she taught me, every spell and ritual she showed me. But deep down I knew it’d be impossible to deny it. By chasing after a life that was never mine, I thought I could run from what I was destined to live – a path I was meant to follow.
I plopped down on my bed.
“What am I doing?” I whispered.
I shuffled the oracle cards, but nothing felt right. The cards weren’t talking to me. I had questions and I wanted answers, or rather confirmation of what I already knew. After dealing with everyone’s stupidity at the shack, I needed a road map to take me far away from them.
Placing the cards back in their pouch and grabbing the nail polish from my night stand, I settled back against the headboard. I was ready for a change.
Short strokes of the brush coated my fingernails with inky black color. For some, black meant darkness, depression, absence of light. For me, it represented shadows and invisibility. It meant space, as in the universe, space that needed to be filled.
It was time to put away the rainbows and get serious.
CHAPTER SIX
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Mom asked, her brows arching a little.
Soulstice (The Souled Series) Page 3