by Jason Letts
I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear anymore but it kept going.
“You had the other guys put up a scoreboard in the suite. I was actually finding people I liked at libraries and from classes,” Keenan said.
“And you should’ve done our suite mates a favor and made it easier for them to find out how often you were scoring,” Seth said, clearing his throat. “Might’ve made it more competitive.”
There were snickers around as the heated argument began to attract attention. I hoped more eyes weren’t going to have the effect of throwing matches on a tinderbox. That being said, I knew a lot of guys who’d be incoherently cursing each other out by now. Keenan rolled his eyes.
“Just like back then, you view whoever I’m with as a target. Your inferiority complex says that the only way to legitimize yourself in comparison with me is to go after Sarah.”
I inhaled audibly to cut in.
“It might be good to make clear that we’re not together,” I said with arms crossed. I realized that was handing a point to Seth, who guffawed, but Keenan made his decision about what I was to him and now he couldn’t fudge it.
“Yes, but you know what I mean,” he said.
“Hey, you heard her,” Seth said, almost taunting. “She’s fair game, and who else here could blame her for wanting to ride in the Travers stakes. But you sell her short if you think I’m just here for another hookup. She’s done great work.”
This seemed to make Keenan angrier than anything.
“Nobody values Sarah’s abilities higher than I do!”
Seth laughed again, but instead of inching closer he backed off a little as if to savor the snarl he’d finally gotten out of Keenan.
“You say so, but you’ve got a funny way of showing it.”
I hated to see Keenan with more egg on his face, but Seth had gotten the best of him again. There’d been another embarrassing college story, a brief loss of composure. It wasn’t really fair to begin with because Seth had friends all over ready to laugh along with him. Keenan was alone except for me and I wasn’t backing him up, something I could come to regret very soon.
Keenan glanced around, glowering at everyone.
“I’ve said my peace,” he said, backing off. “You can keep celebrating. I hope I’m wrong and this earns a nickel before we’re all using walkers. Sarah, I’ll see you at the office on Monday. We have work to do.”
Seth raised a new glass of beer and I stood there as Keenan retreated. I felt hollow, disappointing myself for not finding a way to keep things friendly, but my only comfort was that Keenan must’ve known what he was in for by coming anyway. Seth said something to me, but I was too lost in thought to even really hear it. I smiled faintly and then began drifting away, sure I’d find the door and head home sooner or later.
It would’ve been so much easier if all of Seth’s accusations to Keenan didn’t have a kernel of truth to them. Maybe I hadn’t been appreciated enough. I certainly hadn’t received enough affection from someone still able to casually say that we were together. But on the other hand I was seeing a side of Keenan never found around the office, where he was top dog and no longer a hormonally charged teenager. He kept things from getting ugly and endured these stories coming out better than I would’ve if suddenly a few of my past actions were being publicly debated.
Could I have loved that younger Keenan with his week-long relationships too? Had he really ever grown out of that?
I stepped outside into the much cooler air under an awning. There were benches along the front of the building, but I chose to stand instead and watch the rain come down in sheets around me. Every once in a while a car would zip by. I was about to pull out my phone and find a way home when I was struck by a sudden feeling that my life still wasn’t moving forward and that resuming my post at Mouse Roar was the equivalent of going in circles or grinding out the clock.
Since Austin, there were no more newspaper reporters talking to me. Blog posts weren’t getting traction, dispelling my illusion that I was contributing to any kind of movement.
“Hey, I thought I asked to talk before you left.”
It was Seth, making my heart race a little. I sensed the expectation that I would match the enthusiasm I had back inside, but I couldn’t produce the tiniest flicker of life. I was sad.
“I’m sorry,” I said flatly, turning to face him. But as it turned out, all of his raucous mirth had vanished as well, and the man standing before me was as somber as a statue.
“You must be angry at me for telling Keenan to come without letting you know,” he said, which was thoughtful, since I hadn’t even had time to consider whether to be angry.
“He’ll be fine. He’s tough and can take a lot,” I said, wondering if it was the truth. I noticed Seth had that look on his face that I’d seen so often this past week. His eyes were on me, watchful like he was memorizing every feature of my face.
“Right,” he muttered. I decided I couldn’t just stand there and wait for him to come out with the proposition I knew I would have to reject.
“Look, Seth, thank you for everything this week but I think we should leave it at that and move on. You’re a better guy than you let on but I don’t see the two of us being good for each other. And despite what you may have thought from Austin short-term isn’t my style.”
I braced myself a little, but Seth just shook his head.
“Keenan had it all wrong, and it looks like you did too.”
“Which part, going after his girls or the scoreboard?” Suddenly I was annoyed that Seth hadn’t just taken my comment and left.
“At least I own up to my past and don’t try to hide from it or pretend that I’m perfect. Those were stupid things to do. I’d never do them today, and if there was a way to do it over again I wouldn’t have back then. But no, I get that you don’t want me and I’m not trying to pick you up. I’m too spontaneous for you, too risky.”
“Seth,” I said, realizing how weak my argument sounded when he said it. Pushing him away for being who he was had the ring to it of Keenan dumping those college girls for trivial reasons, and yet it was the feeling I had in my gut that I had to stick with.
“I’m not trying to hook up with you. I’m trying to hire you,” he said.
My eyes widened and my mouth gaped open a little. This hadn’t been what I was expecting.
“You produced more good ideas in a week and a half than a lot of people could’ve done in months. I’m serious about OurCoin, and I want you to keep running it. It’s going to take someone’s whole heart to make it work, and with everything I have going on I can’t give that, and I’m not the right person to push it forward anyway. You are. That one-hundred thousand you got from the investors, that’s your salary for the year.”
I gasped, wondering what I would do with a raise of more than thirty percent. It would really change my life. My student loans would evaporate. I could finally escape my apartment.
“I don’t know what to say,” I said. Seth gave me another piercing glare.
“Yes, you do. But I’m not sure you’re really getting the full brunt of it. In real terms, I work alone and always have. Other people do things for me, but I’ve never felt on equal footing with anyone. Taking on someone at this level is something I never thought I’d do, but the truth is you’ve got what it takes. That moment after the investment pitch when you knew to step on their throats, that was the most New York thing I’ve seen since I’ve been here. This is a great job that will leave you secure for a long time to come. No matter what happens with OurCoin, there’ll be more ideas and more projects. I won’t let you go. All you have to do is take it.”
Hearing him talk like that was nothing short of surreal. I could tell he meant every word, and I believed him when he said he was making an offer for the kind of job he thought he’d never need done. I began to get emotional as I felt the pull in two directions. Keenan was expecting me at work on Monday. It hadn’t been that long since he’d given me a big raise. Matching Se
th’s offer wasn’t going to happen.
But spending the year trying to talk women into experimenting with digital money felt like a big sacrifice. Would my new big paychecks be enough to drown the feeling that I should really be doing something else? Those ideas I’d given Seth in bed, I never would’ve tried to run with them myself.
Seth seemed to sense I was wavering. He put his hand on my shoulder and dawned a charming smile, his best weapon, but that didn’t make it any easier.
“I’m going to have to think about it. I just can’t make a decision like this now on the spur of the moment. Please,” I said, practically begging as I saw his face start to contort. This was vying with all those regretted breakups as the most emotionally grueling moment of my life.
“You’ve got to trust me on this,” Seth said, and it was all there in his brown eyes. The feeling, the truth of it. It had been shallow of me to simply assume it was desire. But I was backing away, stepping out from under the awning into the rain, where the thick droplets started soaking through my hair to my scalp. I didn’t think I could pick a TV show to watch in the state I was in, much less decide my future.
“A little more time to think. I promise.”
I turned to walk away, but I could tell Seth didn’t move a muscle or take his eyes off me until I vanished into the sopping blackness of night.
CHAPTER 11
I spent some time that weekend in the glamorous act of paying bills, including my rent and student loan payments, which was a strong motivator to accept Seth’s offer. It seemed like with that extra money the whole process of writing checks and filling out utility payment information online would feel like a snap with no pressure, no longer requiring me to count every cent I had to make sure I would have enough leftover to buy food for myself.
And then as I began to consider what it would be like to change jobs, I wondered what else would change. If I was no longer an employee at Mouse Roar, would Keenan then be more receptive to picking me up as a long-term romantic prospect, or would he resent that I was now working for Seth? Or maybe working with Seth and being with him would be a better situation than it was with Keenan, perhaps because there was more travel or movement involved once we were no longer working from the YMCA. It was hard to say, but I didn’t want to put myself in a position where I was completely cut off from Keenan, though after Seth opened himself up to me I was beginning to feel an attachment to him I didn’t want to let go of either.
I hoped my brain would manage to compute that problem in the background for me though as I prepared to head in to work Monday morning, where I expected piles of stuff to occupy my attention upon my return. And the fallout of pulling out of the deal with Gary Polling wouldn’t be fun, except if I was able to tell him to screw off myself. Then there would be coming face to face with Keenan again.
But my phone rang as I was heading out the door. It was my sister.
“I just heard that Mom is in the hospital. I don’t know what’s going on, but it doesn’t look good,” she said.
I bowed my head for a moment, wondering if this could’ve come at a worse time before deciding I had to do the right thing.
“OK, I’m on my way to you now,” I said.
I put my hand against the doorframe to draw strength as I made another call.
“Sarah,” Keenan said when he picked up.
“I’m so sorry about this but my mom was just taken to the hospital. I’ve got to go,” I said.
Silence pervaded the line for a moment.
“Of course. I wish you all the best. If you need anything, let me know.”
I released a stilted sigh.
“You’re too good,” I said.
Rather than taking the train into work, I had to get my car out of the garage and make the trip north, transferring to Lindsay’s car once I reached her house.
“Jamie not here?” I asked, though the answer was now obvious. Lindsay was putting her son Patrick into his carseat. She pursed her lips.
“He couldn’t get away from work. They’d fire him, not that he hasn’t done their jobs enough to give them all the equivalent of a month’s vacation. He said he’ll come up as soon as he can at the end of the day.”
Soon we were in the car heading north to Columbia Memorial Hospital in Hudson.
“Do you really think…” I began but couldn’t spit the words out to suggest that this could be Mom’s last day.
Lindsay shrugged.
“They just told me she called the doctor for shortness of breath and they were picking her up in an ambulance.”
My sister, the caring mother and daughter, was tearing up, but all I felt was grim resignation. Last time I’d seen my mother she’d forgotten who I was, berated me, and let slip that I was the product of marital rape. I couldn’t wait to discover what came next along her path of broken glass and rusty nails.
Hudson was a town on the east side of the river a couple of exits north of our home in Saugerties. I hadn’t actually been there before, and as soon as I could see it I could tell why. The entire town was a picture of decay, from the broken-down houses to empty storefronts. The hospital was set back from the river up on a hill where it was always visible, white and shining, like an ever-present beacon for the dying.
We entered and were directed to her room, where she was sleeping so deeply that I might’ve thought she was gone already if not for the monitors. A nurse informed us that she was being put on blood thinners to help with blood clots.
“A pulmonary embolism,” I said.
There didn’t seem to be any other imminent signs of danger. She just needed to be watched carefully, but not by anyone in particular for fear that she would die before her already looming prognosis.
It was late morning and I wondered how quickly I could get back to work, otherwise it would make getting away the next time something happened even harder. As much as I resented her for so much, I knew I would come every time an alarm bell rang if only to see her breathe in her sleep. She was my mother and the love for her was there, strained but there.
Lindsay didn’t appear to have any intention to head out immediately, but she also didn’t say whether she was simply waiting for a chance to speak with a doctor or to be around when my mother actually woke up. And because of her tumor, when she did awake there was no telling what she would think was going on or say to us.
But I watched her stare firmly at the frail woman in the bed. Sometimes it seemed like Lindsay had much more stamina for Mom’s woes than for mine, but at the moment it was hard not to appreciate how fiercely she loved her family.
“She loves you too,” I said softly, sitting next to Lindsay on the padded chair. Her hair was lighter than mine and curled around her face more, but even though she was visibly tired she was beautiful.
“One time after I finished college when I was engaged to Jaime she told me she made so many sacrifices so I could grow up and marry someone wealthy and handsome,” Lindsay said with discomfort. “Seemed like a weird thing to say to someone, like that was all I was ever going to be good for. Don’t touch that!”
Patrick was exploring the room and was beginning to grasp at some wires running between the machines and the bed. Lindsay got up to set him down on the floor with some crayons and a coloring book from her bag.
“That’s not all you’re good for. You can also…”
“Be out of touch? I know what you think of me,” Lindsay said. “It’s mostly all I wanted though. Who wants to deal with the world’s problems all the time? Wanting to insulate myself a little so I can take care of my son and my house can’t be the worst thing in the world.”
It was an incredible privilege she was describing, but she didn’t need me to tell her that.
“You can live your life and focus your attention however you want, but if you don’t maintain an awareness of what other people are going through you’ll miss chances to help them,” I said.
The words were spontaneous, but after I said them I realized that they rea
lly meant something to me. Keenan had his way of helping people, and I needed to find mine.
“Not everyone wants to change the world. We can’t all take charge,” Lindsay said. “Look at Mom. She essentially spent her entire life doing whatever people told her. Her teachers in school, Dad, her bosses at whatever random job she had, and now the doctors. It got her this far.”
“I suppose it could’ve been worse for her,” I said, but I felt strongly that it would’ve been plenty wrong for me. It’s not that being directed was the worst thing; it just meant that it wasn’t my vision coming to life.
“A lot worse,” Lindsay said. Everything we were talking about seemed to pertain so much to me that I felt like I had to just go with it.
“I got offered a job the other day from a guy who knew Keenan back in college and still has sort of a rivalry with him. It would’ve been a big raise and more control on a project I came up with myself. The only issues are that the field it’s in is pretty dubious and the guy is obviously attracted to me.”
Lindsay looked at her feet and then over to Patrick coloring.
“Another competitive CEO guy?”
“Yeah.”
“The thing about guys like that—I’ve known some—is that they’re never satisfied. Hiring you isn’t going to be enough for him. Sooner or later he’s going to want the rest of you,” she said.
I swallowed.
“I already see that in Keenan. He keeps trying to slide back into a relationship but for him the release valve of being over-exposed to each other and getting bored is for me to work less or stay in my apartment, not for him to have to change anything.”
Lindsay gave me a long face.
“Maybe he’s worth making the sacrifice for.”