by Sonya Writes
She would have to watch her tongue constantly, which was easy around most people but how could she be that distant with her own son? What kind of relationship would they have if she couldn’t talk to him? How would she explain why he was the oldest child on the planet? How would she explain why half the houses were empty, and that no, none of us here were the ones who built them? The two options she saw were to either lie to him or refuse to discuss those topics, and she didn’t find either option acceptable.
She watched Aaron play on the floor, and she knew that someday he would have a lot of questions that no one would be allowed to answer honestly. I’ll never lie to you, she thought, and that means you can’t always have me in your life. She felt the tears running down her cheek and quickly wiped them away. One way or another she would be gone from his life: either by leaving voluntarily, or by being taken from him for refusing to lie. At least if she went back to Earth she had a chance at improving the future of this planet for her grandchildren.
Instead of laying Aaron down for his nap, this time, she held him. She held him and stroked his cheek and kissed his forehead. She whispered to him over and over that she loved him and would miss him greatly. “You’ll be an old man when I come back, but I will hug you all the same and kiss your grandchildren the way that I kiss you now. I’m doing this for you, and for them,” she said.
That night, when Matthew and Aaron were asleep, Etana slipped out through the front door and walked quietly to the park. No one else was outside and she didn’t see any lights on inside the houses. She checked behind her several times to see that no one was following her, and she entered into the forest toward the space center. She determined as she walked that she would not think about what she was leaving behind, only what was ahead. She wasn’t going to second-guess herself tonight—she’d already spent ten months doing that. Tonight was the night: no going back. She entered the space center with confidence, ready to prepare the spaceship and leave before morning.
But once she sat down at the computer, almost as if on cue, she heard a loud sound from the other room as the ceiling opened to let in a spaceship. There was a strong gust of wind which pushed the door shut and trapped Etana inside. By the time she was able to open the door it was too late to run out of the building unnoticed, and besides, she knew the computer was tracking her every move, so she was caught even if she wasn’t seen.
When the door to the spaceship opened, out stepped Dr. Timothy Azias, looking every bit as young as he did the last time she saw him. He’s only aged a few weeks, she thought. And here I’ve aged a few years.
Then she became filled with anger because he was the one who made all this happen. It was his lies that brought her to Zozeis and created this problem. But she bit her tongue.
He looked pleased to see her, though not at all surprised. “Hello Etana,” he said with a smile.
“You know who I am,” she said, and as she said it she realized that he knew much more than only her name. He’d been watching her every move for a while. He probably knew ahead of time that she would be here today.
They stood in a silent stand-off for a moment, her glaring at him and him staring back at her with a pleasant smile across his face. It was hard to glare at someone who looked so genuinely happy. Finally, he broke the silence by gesturing with his arm to the other room and saying, “Travel always works up my appetite. Would you join me in the kitchen?” He walked past her toward the room that was a sort of one-room apartment: half kitchen, half bedroom.
Once his back was to her, Etana calmed her expression and took some slow relaxing breaths to cool her anger. He put us here, but he probably doesn’t think he’s done any wrong. Reasoning with this kind of man will do no good. If I anger him, he can make sure that I am stuck here, but if…
He interrupted her thoughts by telling her exactly what she wanted to do. “You want to go to Earth,” he said. “And then you want to convince them to stop everything that is happening here, everything that I am doing.” He looked up at her with eyes that sparkled, but behind the sparkle it was a deep and empty stare. He turned his attention to the cupboard for a moment, pulling out a package of nonperishable dehydrated chicken salad. It didn’t look very appetizing. He dumped it into a bowl and added water. As he was stirring, he looked up at her again. “You think what I am doing is evil,” he said.
Etana certainly thought so, but she did not say anything to confirm his statement. She wondered what kind of trap he was setting for her.
“Oh Etana, Etana.” He had laughter in his voice. “Always silent in a confrontation, but in your mind you brilliantly turn problems into solutions. It would be an excellent skill if only you would share your ideas with other people. Bottled up inside your head they are doing no good for anyone.”
“You can’t know what I’m thinking,” she said.
“Can’t I? I think I know you well enough by now to know how you operate. I know everything you’ve done, everything you’ve said since you’ve been here. I watch everyone of course, but I’ve paid special attention to you since you found out about this place. I know you quite well by now.”
Don’t try to reason with him. Don’t argue. Just don’t say anything.
“Like right now, you’re telling yourself not to say anything. You’ll argue with me in your head but not with your lips.” He winked at her and spooned some food into his mouth. “I probably know you better than you know yourself, Etana.”
“No you don’t!” she said and instantly regretted. She was falling into his trap. He wanted her to be angry. He wanted to provoke her. She lowered her voice to a whisper. “You don’t know me.”
“Oh, I know your deepest thoughts, Etana,” he said. “Certainly I know more about you than your husband does.” He smiled, and Etana looked away so his smile couldn’t put her at ease. It was a smile that tricked and deceived because it looked so pleasant, so charming, but it was only a mask for something very dark and scary. So she closed herself off to his smile and focused only on his words.
“The books in the basement, your letters to Aaron. Oh how you wish you could take him with you—if only I would install a changing table and a child-proof room on the spaceship. If only there was a washing machine to clean all the soiled diapers with. Oh, if only. If only, if only, Etana. You can start begging me now, Etana. I can probably bring you those things in, oh, say, ten years.”
She looked to him again, and though he was still smiling, he was no longer directing it to her. He was ten feet away, but it felt like he was right up in her face. He’s goading you, she told herself. But don’t let him see that you’re angry. Don’t let him see how much his words can hurt you.
He laughed, and his smile turned wicked. This was his true smile, she thought, not the one he put on to calm people as he hurt them. “Nanotechnology is amazing, isn’t it?” he said. “I can send a microscopic computer into your brain and have that computer tell me about every single thing you do. But you are right. The one item I haven’t figured out yet is how to quantify your thoughts, and that’s okay. All things in time…It won’t be long before I know everything about you, Etana. For now, I know enough.” Then he stepped up to her so that he was close to her face, and he lightly touched her cheek with his fingers the same way Matthew did.
At that moment, Etana’s self-control snapped and she slapped him across the face. “Don’t touch me, you snake! You’re despicable. You’re destroying lives and you don’t even care. I will stop you in any way I can. I will go to Earth and I will stop you.” She stepped away from him as she said this and moved closer to the door. She wondered if it would be possible to lock him in here somehow so she could leave, but there were no locks on the door.
He smiled again, but it was a smile she hadn’t seen yet from him. It was a smile of quiet victory. “Good,” he said. “I would not have allowed you to go if you did not first admit to your conviction.” His demeanor changed and Etana was confused. He went to the sink and started to brush his teeth.
“You said it yourself: you will stop me. I think you would find a way to stop me even without the use of my spaceships.” He was clearly trying to flatter her, and it was almost working. “Though I’m not sure how you would leave,” he said. “Without the use of my spaceships, it is unlikely you would ever make it back to Earth. And if you tried to leave using my equipment, all I would have to do is type in a code to bring you back or one to leave you stranded on another planet. But you’re here in part because of me, so it’s only fair if I give you the chance to accomplish what you’ve set in your heart to do.”
Etana wondered what trap he was setting, and so she asked once more for clarification. “So you will let me leave, then? You will let me go to Earth using one of your spaceships.”
"I will allow you to travel anywhere you like, any time you like, and as often as you like, on one condition: you must act as my mistress every time we cross paths, starting tonight." He sat down on the bed and locked eyes with her.
A million thoughts ran through her head, starting with repulsion. Sleep with this man? No way. I can’t let him touch me. Besides, he’s only playing a game. He won’t really let me go to Earth, even if I do lie with him. But what if he did let me go? Could I sell my body to him tonight for a chance to save everyone else that he’s caused to suffer? Can I sell myself for their freedom? It would only be for one night. I will go to Earth and after that I will never have to see him again. But I can’t bear the thought of him touching me. Matthew is my husband and my body is only for him; why should this man have that privilege?
"I'm a married woman," she responded.
"If you are concerned about your marriage, then you should go home and be a wife.” He let out a short laugh. “Matthew will accept you I’m sure, for a while at least—I hear he’s planning to betray you in order to keep your son. But if your desire is to go home to Earth and save the universe from me...well, you can leave for Earth tomorrow and Matthew will probably be dead when you return. As long as your intention is to leave, you no longer have a husband."
“As long as he is alive, I do have a husband. Allow me to go. When I come back, if Matthew is dead by that time, then I will be free to be….” She hesitated. She didn’t want to say it. “Yours,” she whispered. Inside, she told herself, that day would not come. Once she got to Earth she would never have to see this man again. She told herself this over and over again.
“No,” he said, “the offer is for tonight. I leave tomorrow. If you wish to leave as well, you must accept my offer, tonight.”
Etana felt the tears in her eyes, but she refused to let him see her cry. She turned her head to the side so he couldn’t see her face. She had no desire to be touched by this man, but he was a locked door standing in the way of her ability to go to Earth and make things right. There was only one way to unlock that door, so when he walked over to her and gently took her hand in his, she followed him to the bed.
14
Etana hated herself the next morning when she woke up, but Timothy was as cheerful as ever. She was careful not to look at his face because when she saw his smile she was tempted to feel comfortable with him. He prepared a spaceship for launch and told her that he was heading for another planet, one which she’d never heard of. He said he looked forward to seeing her again in a few months. Etana felt her stomach churn at the thought of it, and as soon as he had gone, she burst into tears. And then, she realized, all her effort to conceal her sorrow was meaningless because he would know she was crying. All he had to do was check his computer, and he would have the pleasure of knowing that he reduced her to tears. She cried harder, thinking that he had won, thinking, he has defeated me, when her tears turned suddenly to rage and she marched decidedly into the other room.
Her first thought was to destroy the computer—smash it to pieces and erase his knowledge that she’d been crying at all over what he’d done, but she knew that would only feel good to her in the moment, and afterward she would regret it. So she sat down at the computer and started to prepare one of the spaceships for a trip to Earth. She found on the keyboard a small note which said, “Leave between 10am and noon. The position of the sun will make it unlikely for them to see you when you go. The 2nd best time to leave is about 2-4am when everyone is asleep.”
She soon realized that Timothy had left in a spaceship which was not fully charged—he didn’t have to go as far as she did to reach his destination. At first she thought it was an act of kindness on his part to leave her a fully charged spaceship that could make it to Earth, but then she reminded herself that there was nothing kind about the man. He has some motive for this, she thought.
One of the reasons she was so upset this morning was that her body had betrayed her the night before. His hands had touched her so delicately, as if he’d known her body before, and her body responded to him in ways she did not want it to. She tried to shut him out of her mind and tell herself that it was Matthew who was touching her, but Matthew never touched her that way.
He’s a textbook psychopath, she told herself in reassurance. That’s why he can manipulate my body so well, and my mind. But she wasn’t convinced that this let her off the hook. Something inside her had allowed her mind and body to be manipulated, and now she wanted to know what it was, so she could destroy that part of herself.
As she thought about it, she started to mentally evaluate Dr. Azias. On Earth she studied to be a psychologist, but she’d never had the chance to work as one. She easily recalled the typical qualities of a psychopath.
Superficial charm. Grandiose self-worth. Pathological liar. No remorse. No empathy. Manipulative. Excessive need for excitement and risk. Lack of concern for others. This man has a total lack of conscience. He’s definitely a psychopath.
Then she had a fearful thought. He is going to kill me. He isn’t going to let me make it all the way to Earth. He will make me crash somewhere and die.
She thought for a moment about going home, but she couldn’t face Matthew now, not after last night. She couldn’t go home and play the role of a fraudulent wife and a fraudulent mother. She wouldn’t lie to Matthew about Timothy, and she wouldn’t lie to Aaron about Earth. She owed it to them to follow through on her reason for leaving. Little by little her conviction overcame her fear. If it was in Timothy Azias’s will to kill her before she made it to Earth, so be it. She had to try. And if he didn’t kill her, then once she got to Earth she would be safe from him.
Etana prepared everything as quickly as she could. It was 11:30 now and she would be ready to depart in a few minutes. It seemed that Timothy had already done most of the work for her. No, she told herself, no, he didn’t get the spaceship ready for me. He already had it ready in case he needed it himself.
She left, and for three months she was the loneliest she’d ever been. She was all alone and did not even have herself to talk to. For most of her life, it was Etana’s habit to speak her thoughts to herself. She felt that she could process things better when she heard her thoughts being spoken. But now, even though she was alone, she knew she wasn’t the only one who would hear her thoughts. So she kept them inside. Occasionally she would sing a song or say something inconsequential, just to be sure that her voice still worked, but aside from that, she was silent and alone.
The closer she got to Earth the more unsure she became. What was I thinking? It’s against my nature to face a confrontation the way I’m planning to on Earth. I can’t talk to a group of strangers about all of this. What will I say? How will I convince them that this is important? I wouldn’t even speak up on Zozeis, so how can I expect now to do any differently once I arrive on Earth? What if I can’t do it? What if the words don’t come? I don’t even know what life is like on Earth anymore. A lot can happen in 60 years. I might not even recognize the place. Earth might not even be there anymore.
But her fears were calmed by inner determination that this time she would do whatever it took to succeed. The
re was too much at stake if she failed, and nothing to look forward to if she didn’t try. She would silence her fears and open her voice. No more would she hold all her thoughts inside. Timothy Azias was wrong about many things, but he was right about at least one: Etana was brilliant, and the solutions she came up with would be valuable if she voiced them.
The problem was that when she finally arrived on Earth, no one wanted to listen. The media got people excited when she first arrived, but the public quickly lost interest in the topics of concern that she raised. She was telling them about problems taking place on planets they’d never heard of, involving people who would most likely be dead by the time she returned. The government officials she spoke with consistently told her it was out of their jurisdiction. They plainly stated that those planets were Dr. Azias’s domain; he discovered them and funded the project with his own money, which he now earned by bringing precious minerals and elements back from the planet Azias. They could cut off his funding by refusing to purchase from him, but they had no other source for the materials they needed from him, and even if they did cut off his funds he was self-sufficient now without that income. His buildings and spaceships were built, and nearly everything he had was solar-powered. Besides, he was providing jobs for people who had nothing and needed everything. They flew with him to Azias on work contracts, and returned home about seventy years later with enough money in the bank that they could afford their own living expenses, and enough experience gained that they could find a decent job if they wanted to. It seemed that everyone was happy about this situation except for the people whose lives Dr. Azias was controlling.