“I think I might be getting sick. Can you watch the kids? I think I better go to the restroom.” She shoved her hat into my hands and rushed off before I could ask what was wrong with her.
CHAPTER 6
SAM
FUCK MY LIFE. Fuck my life.
I’m getting sick, aren’t I? Right before Christmas, and I’d even gotten a flu shot earlier in the year.
For what? There I was, trying to spend some time with Hugh and the kids, and instead I was puking my guts out in a restroom.
Had I eaten something wrong? Was it the flu? Was it the stupid costume I’d decided to wear? No—I had been feeling queasy since I went to Edinburgh the other day to run errands.
I didn’t have a fever or a cough, no sore throat or runny nose.
Maybe it was just a virus—I had been around so many people.
Yes, it was probably a virus.
Or maybe it was . . .no, no, no. It couldn’t be, could it? A deep sigh escaped my lips. I hoped that wasn’t the case.
I wasn’t ready.
Is anyone ever ready, though? I pushed the idea out of my head.
It wasn’t. It couldn’t be.
I washed my hands and cleaned up my mouth once I was done.
I avoided the eyes of the other women in the restroom who must have certainly heard me.
I felt so embarrassed.
When I got back in the main part of the shop, I found Hugh and the kids in line for the register.
His eyes widened as he turned around and noticed me.
“How are you feeling? What’s wrong?”
“Don’t worry, it’s nothing, just my stomach. I’m not sure if I had something that didn’t agree with me or . . . I don’t even want to say it out loud.”
“What?” Hugh asked as we stepped forward in line.
“Maybe I have a virus.” I made a face, and he let out a deep breath. His eyes were laced with worry, but then he gave me a reassuring smile and my hand a gentle squeeze.
“Let’s go home, so you can rest a little bit.”
WHEN WE REACHED THE MACLEODS’ home that afternoon, it was a full house.
Declan had come back from his work trip, and Fergus had landed in London and come along with Tamhas, who picked him up from the airport.
The kids ran to Declan as soon as we crossed the threshold. The smile on his face when the kids jumped into his arms was infectious. His hair was still as cropped as he’d had it a few months back, and his short reddish beard gave him an air of mystery.
It was too bad things hadn’t worked out between him and my sister romantically, but they seemed to be really good friends, and Amira trusted him blindly.
Declan just needed to find a good woman who would enjoy spending time with his beautiful, smart kids. I realized that was easier said than done, but I wanted to see it happen. He’d told me how heartbroken he’d been when he and his wife decided to part ways. I wanted him to have someone he could share his life with, someone who would be okay playing the role of stepmom.
As the kids talked his ear off, he smiled at us and mouthed, “Thank you.”
I went around the room, saying hi to everyone, telling them I didn’t want to hug and kiss them because I was afraid I was coming down with something.
Hugh urged me to go rest, but I felt bad because Fiona was already at work on the Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas lunch.
The year before, I had helped her a bit, and Fergus and Tamhas had also helped in the kitchen. However, at the moment, everyone was visiting in the den, and I didn’t want to be an insensitive guest.
“Sam, go lie down,” Hugh commanded me.
I nodded. “I just want to say hi to your mom,” I told him.
“Fiona, may I help?” was all I could say before I felt overwhelmed by the strong, pungent smell of garlic. It filled my nostrils, making my nose twitch. Fiona was busy at the stove, stirring something in the pot. On the counter, there was a wooden board covered with chopped garlic and chopped onion.
I didn’t hate the smell of garlic, but for some reason, my stomach wasn’t reacting to it well at all. My senses were on high alert. The smell of it had never bothered me before, so why could I barely stand it now?
“Hey, Sam! You guys are back! How were the studios?” she asked, but I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t say a word. I was tongue-tied.
It was happening all over again.
Fiona registered the panicked look on my face before I covered my mouth and ran for the closest restroom.
“Sam, let me in,” Hugh said a moment later.
“No,” I cried as I leaned my head on the arm I was resting on top of the toilet. “I don’t want you to see me like this.”
“Come on, Sam, we’re married. Don’t be silly—in sickness and in health, remember?”
I flushed the toilet and stood up slowly.
I felt off balance, and my stomach was upside down.
What fresh hell is this?
Doubt overtook my mind again.
What if . . .?
I opened the door of the small British-style toilet to find my towering husband on the other side, eyes clouded with worry.
“Do I need to take ye to the doctor? You’re worrying me, Sam. Earlier at the studios, and now here . . . what’s going on? How are you feeling?”
“I’m feeling . . . better, I think. I went to say hi to your mom and the smell of the garlic bothered me a bit, that’s all.”
“I never knew garlic bothered you.”
“It doesn’t . . . it didn’t. Gosh, I don’t even know anymore. I’ll take some medicine and go lie down like you wanted me to, okay?”
Hugh didn’t leave my side. He walked me to our room and pulled the covers back for me then told me to take my clothes off. I gave him a confused look, but then he grabbed my pajamas and helped me into them.
He tucked me in, kissing my forehead with a gentleness that melted my heart.
“You don’t feel like you have a fever, so I suppose that’s good news.” He held my hand, his thumb stroking the back of it. I couldn’t take how worried he looked.
We’d been looking forward to these days so much, and now I felt like a shell of myself.
“I’ll be okay. Don’t worry about me.”
“Aye, I’ll try. I’ll come back with some water, and maybe a bucket in case you feel sick again?”
I smiled, grateful and nodded then closed my eyes after he left the room.
Suddenly, I felt like the most tired woman on earth. I was completely exhausted and my body felt as heavy as lead.
Maybe a nap was a good idea. I would just sleep a little bit . . .
I STIRRED as Fiona’s voice called out my name.
“What time is it?”
“It’s almost nine, dear. You’ve been asleep for four hours.”
“Good lord,” I said, letting out a yawn. I forced myself to open my eyes and straightened up.
Fiona came closer and sat on the edge of the bed.
“How are you feeling?”
“Better . . . I think? I’m sure I’ll know soon enough,” I said with a frown. “Where’s Hugh?”
“He and the boys went to the pub, along with their dad. He didn’t want to leave you, but when he came to check on you, you were sleeping.”
“It’s like I can feel the tiredness of a whole year all at once. I’m not sure what’s going on with me. One minute I feel okay, and the next . . .”
“Sam, I hope you don’t think it’s too forward of me to ask this, but . . . do ye think you could be pregnant?” Fiona asked with a hesitant, shy smile.
Had the thought crossed my mind? Heck yeah it had.
“I thought about it . . . but I’ve been on birth control for months now.”
“You know that doesn’t always work. Plenty of women do get pregnant while on birth control.”
I’d heard stories, but I had been taking the pill religiously for several months now. I nodded, unable to think of anything to say.
“I hope you won’t get mad at me, but when I heard you were sick earlier, I went to the pharmacy and got you this.”
Fiona pulled out a pregnancy test from a pharmacy bag, and I winced at the sight of the box.
A few days before, I’d been getting ready for our Christmas break, and now I was pondering taking a pregnancy test.
“Fiona, I’m not pregnant,” I said, almost as if to try to convince myself, but just as the words passed my lips, I began counting in my head.
“How many days?” she asked.
“Just five,” I said, still incredulous. “My period is off a few days sometimes. It varies.”
She reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze.
“Dearest Sam, I went through this very thing five times myself. Take the test—what’s the harm?”
CHAPTER 7
SAM
AN HOUR LATER, Fiona and I were partying on the couch—and by partying I meant watching The Family Stone while I ate saltines and drank mint tea and she nursed a glass of whisky. Apparently, the mint tea was supposed to ease my stomach.
Claire and Rory were asleep, and the house was strangely quiet.
The MacLeods’ living room was formal with a classic but comfortable style, and a big Chesterfield-style couch in the middle of the room faced the fireplace. It was evident that the room had been decorated some time ago, and the only recent addition was the flat-screen TV on top of the fireplace.
I was feeling slightly better, although the big what-if weighed heavily on my chest. I took a deep breath, hoping that would help me get rid of the feeling of uneasiness, but it didn’t work.
The uncertainty and the suspense were killing me.
What if I really am pregnant?
How had it happened? We’d just started our life together; it was too soon. It was going to complicate things so much. My head started spinning, and I knew right then that I needed my husband.
I needed Hugh. I needed to talk to him.
Whenever there was turmoil, whenever life threw curveballs at us, he was the only one who could make me feel grounded.
He was the only one who could make everything better.
I didn’t know how I felt about the possibility of being pregnant. After a bit of back and forth, I decided I wanted to wait for him to take the test.
I took a sip of the tea, appreciating the scent and the taste of it.
There was no doubt that my mother-in-law knew everything there was to know when it came to childbearing. When I really thought about it, I still couldn’t believe she’d survived raising five boys without losing her mind.
We both laughed out loud as we watched Rachel McAdams slip all over the spilled casserole in the Stones’ kitchen, and we both teared up as the family opened presents.
Fiona grabbed a Kleenex for herself and then handed me one.
“I love this movie. It’s so underrated,” I said, drying my tears.
A few minutes later, the MacLeod boys made it through the door, led by their father. Tamhas and Fergus were laughing about something, and Fergus was patting his brother playfully on the back.
A nervous sigh escaped my lips as Hugh’s piercing blue eyes locked with mine.
My heart went into overdrive, thumping against my ribcage as if I’d just run a marathon. I got up and waited for him to reach me, standing still, wringing my hands like a heroine in a Jane Austen novel.
He was right in front of me in no time, his eyes full of unspoken questions. He took me in his arms and brushed a strand of hair away before cupping my cheek with his hand.
I leaned into it, relishing the feeling of his touch, and covered his hand with mine.
I sighed, suddenly feeling better just with his presence.
Maybe it was stupid to be worried. We’ll be okay, won’t we?
“How are you feeling?” he asked in a low, worried tone.
“A little better, but I need to talk to you about something.”
HUGH
“COME.” She took my hand and led me to the room we shared as questions I hadn’t asked yet ran through my mind.
Was she really sick? Was it something else?
Could Sam be… . . . pregnant?
I’d said months ago that I didn’t want to be an old dad, but I’d have been lying if I’d said I wasn’t surprised. She was on birth control; I thought that was enough.
“Sam, what’s going on? Have you figured out why you’re feeling off?”
She closed the door behind her.
“Yes and no.”
“What do you mean?”
She took a deep breath, wringing her hands together.
“Hugh, I think I might be pregnant.”
I breathed out a laugh. I’d thought of it myself, but her saying the words made it all more . . . real.
“You think . . . or you know? And how did it happen with you being on birth control?” I asked, cocking one eyebrow.
“Well, I was talking to your mother, and . . . remember when I had pneumonia last month and I had to take antibiotics? Apparently, the doctor failed to mention that the antibiotics would make birth control ineffective . . . and I had no clue that was the case—silly me.”
I held her around her shoulders and searched her eyes for an answer.
“Sam, are you pregnant?”
She looked up at me, eyes full of worry, as if that could ever be bad news. “I don’t know,” she cried as she pressed her face against my chest and wrapped her arms around my waist.
Laughter bubbled up in my throat and I hugged her to me tighter. The feeling of sheer joy coursing through me was a welcome surprise. My heart started racing inside my chest, impatient to know the truth.
A child. Our child.
The thought alone had me smiling from ear to ear, and a surprised laugh escaped my lips.
“It’s not funny,” Sam mumbled.
“You don’t sound too happy, but can you tell me what’s so bad about it? So what if you’re pregnant?” I asked her in a low, reassuring tone, caressing her head. Her hair always smelled so heavenly, and her hair felt silky under my touch.
She sighed and then, in a broken voice, said, “It’s too soon. I wanted to . . . plan it.”
“Can you ever plan something like this, though? Do you think my parents planned to have five children? It just happened. When can we find out for sure? Do we need to go buy a test? I’ll go get one right now if you want me to, no matter how far I need to go to find a store open.”
Sam disentangled herself from my arms and walked past me. She opened the drawer of the nightstand to pull something out.
“Here,” she said, placing the box in my hand. “I didn’t want to do it without you.”
Her eyes darted from mine to the box impatiently. All she needed was a bit of reassurance.
I pulled her into my arms, hugging her tight to my chest.
“I love you, Sam. Nothing is ever going to change that, you know it, but whether it’s right now or in one year or even five, I can’t wait for the day we’ll have a child of our own. I know my heart is going to burst with love and pride for a wee bairn that is the sum of the two of us.”
“It’s not really having a child I’m worried about, it’s everything else. What about us? Remember our friend Margaret? She had to quit her job after she had her little girl.”
“Well, yes, but Margaret’s circumstances were different. Posy was born early and we were in the middle of production. But you, Samhain…you’re not going to be alone in any of this.”
“I don’t know, Hugh . . . how am I going to balance work and motherhood?”
“You mean how are we going to balance it. You’re not alone, Sam. We’re a team, aren’t we?” I tipped her chin up so she would look at me. Her eyes were glossy with tears, and her lips stretched in a trembling, uneasy smile. “Besides, you know how all these Hollywood actresses take their bairns to the set with them? Well, what about the fathers? Why shouldn’t the fathers also take the kids along? You and I work toge
ther already so we can use that to our advantage, and there’s one more thing, lass.”
She seemed comforted by my words. Her eyes were hopeful when she asked, “What is it?”
“I can’t wait to see how beautiful you’ll look with life—with our child—growing inside of you,” I whispered against her lips, placing a hand over her belly.
We didn’t even know if she was pregnant, but my heart was already bursting with joy. I didn’t know how much more it could swell in my chest.
What was it going to feel like when I held my child in my arms?
Sam raised herself on her tiptoes and placed a long, soft kiss on my lips.
She smiled at me when she pulled back. Making her feel safe and loved was always going to be my number one priority.
“Hugh?”
“Yes, Sam?”
“I’m ready. Let’s find out if we’re going to be parents.”
CHAPTER 8
SAM
WE WERE GOING to be parents.
I was going to be a mom.
When the word “pregnant” showed up on the test, I froze.
It was going to take me a few hours to make sense of my new reality.
I knew eventually I’d feel more excited than worried, but right then, the biggest part of me was still trying to cope with the idea that there was a tiny little alien smaller than a bean inside of me that would grow to become a fully formed human.
Ron Swanson from Parks & Recreation was right when he said, “Nature is amazing,” even though he was talking about a vegetarian shopper at a Whole Foods-type of store.
But, nature was amazing, indeed.
Despite birth control, my husband and I had conceived a baby.
A baby.
A little nugget was growing within me.
The thought of a little person that was equally part of me and of Hugh thrilled and terrified me.
Hugh and I had talked about children, but I’d thought it would happen farther down the road. I had absolutely no clue how we would juggle a newborn and work. Our schedules were far from the regular nine-to-five job, and we lived in a remote area of Scotland.
Would I have to quit?
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