by Nalini Singh
Laughing, she tipped her head back to meet his gaze. "She said she'd found the perfect man for me. He'd keep me in line because I'd need a strong hand to ensure I didn't turn out like my mother. Oh, and he'd make sure I was taken care of."
He winced, his theory in ruins. That was hardly likely to get a woman to trust a man. "Did she force you—"
"I fell for you about ten seconds after you started talking to me. She saw a man who'd use his strength to crush. I saw someone who'd use it to protect." She smiled. "You had so much energy, so much heart that you made me feel truly alive for the first time. I couldn't bear to return to the life I had before I met you."
Despite his decision to be honest, Caleb couldn't bring himself to ask the question that continued to haunt him. What about now? Did the woman she'd become trust him as that vulnerable girl had? Or had that love crumbled after years of being trapped in a marriage that made her desperately unhappy?
Instead of asking questions that might destroy him, he joked, "I'm glad because once I saw you, that was it."
"Good." Her laughter was a gift. After hugging him tightly once more, she pulled away. "Come on, let's eat. I'm starving—our baby is a hungry little thing."
"What does it feel like?" he asked, curious.
"The baby? I think I can feel her moving but it's probably all in my mind. According to the baby books, it's too early."
"Her?" That quickly, their baby became real, a little person with hopes and dreams, and a heart that he could bruise with a careless word.
Vicki gave him a sheepish smile. "I just started thinking of it as a girl. Would you prefer a girl or a boy?"
"I don't mind," he replied truthfully. "I only want it to be healthy."
"Me, too." Her face became solemn. "It's scary thinking about a child who's going to rely on me for everything."
"On us." He tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear and nudged her into a seat. "But yeah, it's not like either of us has a good example to follow. Are these baby books for dads as well?" Books he understood—they taught you things. Maybe they could teach him how to be a good father, a concept that caused raw panic inside of him whenever he dared think about it. Like now.
Her smile was huge. "Yes. I'll give you a good one."
Sitting down, he nodded. "So," he said, deciding that that was about as much baby talk as he could handle for one night, "you get any interesting phone calls today?" It was meant to be a lighthearted comment but her expression grew pensive.
"Mother confirmed her plans to visit."
He paused, trying to catch the emotions passing over her face like storm clouds. "What else did she say?"
Vicki shrugged and made a face. "Nothing much—you know her. Do you want some more salad?"
He let her change the subject, having learned that she didn't like discussing her mother. Danica contacted Vicki once or twice every year and inevitably left behind a mess. After her last visit, Vicki had locked herself in her study and sobbed as though her heart was broken. Although he'd tried to talk to her about it, she'd pretended nothing was wrong. It frustrated him but her emotional armor on this topic was so tough, he'd never made much of a dent in it.
Figuring they had bigger problems to solve, he didn't press the issue this time. But part of him worried about exactly what it was that she was so scared to face … and what those buried truths were doing to her already-bruised psyche.
* * *
They were hyper-aware of each other as they got ready for bed that night. Vicki felt like a virgin again, flustered and lost, with no idea what to do. In the end she washed up and waited until Caleb went into the bathroom to brush his teeth before slipping into her pj's. They were hardly the sexiest of garments, but she wasn't sure she could live up to the promise implied by slinky lingerie.
Sliding under the thick blanket, she turned off all the lights except the one on Caleb's side of the bed. The door to the bathroom opened a second later and Caleb walked back in.
"Sweetheart, that blanket has to go." Surprised out of her mini panic, she sat straight up. "What?"
He was already pulling it off. "We'll roast to death."
She clutched at her end. "Caleb! It's cold. I need it."
His eyes met hers, the clear hazel almost silver in the muted light of the room. "You needed it. We won't."
Heart somewhere in her throat, she released her grip on the blanket. Caleb bunched it up in his hands and walked out. A couple of minutes later, he returned with a much thinner one. Getting in beside her, he flipped it open over them and switched off the light. Then he turned to take her in his arms. She felt his body heat seep into her bones, the most intimate of caresses. He wore only his boxers and the hairs of his bare arm tantalized the skin of her abdomen where the top of her pj's had ridden up.
"Caleb?"
"Yes?"
"I'm scared."
Vicki's confession ripped the heart right out of him. Because the truth was, he was terrified. Part of him still couldn't accept that she wanted him. It was hard to believe the words she said when he'd spent years listening to her body and hearing the opposite.
"There's nothing to be scared about. All you have to do is let your body tell the truth." What he didn't want to face was the prospect that he'd hear the same unwelcoming message.
He didn't think he had it in him to go back to the way things had been before Vicki had shaken up their world. Now that he'd glimpsed the fire within her, he wanted to plunge his hand into the flames and burn in the heat of her passion.
Turning in his arms, Vicki tipped her head up. He could barely see the outline of her face. "I want you so much, Caleb. Please don't give up on me."
"I don't think I have it in me to give up on you." Sliding the hand on her hip up into her hair, he moved his body slightly over hers and placed a kiss on her lips.
Fire and spice, ecstasy and exquisite pleasure, her kiss was everything he could have asked for. She said everything with her lips, her tongue, her breathless gasps. But this time he couldn't get past the fact that her arms remained by her sides.
Breaking the kiss, his initial reaction was to move away, to save himself another knife in the heart.
You have to help me.
Her plea from the night before filled his mind as he reached down, lifted one arm and put it over his shoulder. She gave a soft "Ohh," and did the same with her other. "Sorry," she whispered against his lips. "I forget everything when you kiss me."
Caleb thought a man could hear worse things in bed. Leaning down, he kissed her again but let her take the lead. Every particle of his being was concentrated on her body, on the way she moved, on the slightest pressure of her fingertips.
"This isn't working," she said, pulling away from the kiss. "You're so tense I can feel your muscles vibrating and I'm even worse."
It was in his nature to argue but he knew she was right. Swearing under his breath, he rolled onto his back. Both of them stared at the ceiling. Now what?
"P-perhaps we should talk first before we rush into… We never talked, Caleb." The words were hesitant, but in her tone he heard a thread of strength that told him that maybe, just maybe, she was ready to face all that he needed from her. Not only from her body but from her soul.
The question was, would she be willing to give it to him? He knew he wasn't an easy man to live with, to love. He was too demanding, too protective and, on occasion, downright autocratic.
The woman he'd married five years ago had captured his heart with her shy intensity, but she hadn't had the grit to stand up to him. Instead of fighting when he'd become too domineering, she'd withdrawn. But now, his Vicki was coming out of hiding. They could explore what that might mean for their marriage.
"Why didn't you touch me in bed?" he asked. "I can understand how uncertain Ada must have made you but I never stopped you from doing that. I asked you to."
She took in a quick breath but didn't retreat. "I was afraid of doing something wrong. You can't imagine how terrified I was that
I'd make a mistake and disgust you. You were so important to me and all I had for guidance was what Grandmother had taught me and what I'd seen between Claire and my father—separate bedrooms and separate lives."
He could hear the deep emotion in her voice and it took everything he had not to take her back into his arms, to soothe her pain. The wounds between them couldn't be so easily solved—they had to confront the mess they'd created in this bed and it seemed fitting that the truth was coming out in the darkness, in the same heavy silence that had hidden their past mistakes.
"I was too shy to bring up the topic with my friends—it's such a private thing. Of course I watched TV and read magazines but Grandmother had beaten it into me that I was … flawed goods. I couldn't be anything less than perfect because any mistake might lead to a total loss of control. And then I'd be rejected and end up like my mother—mistress to a man married to another woman. It was the perfect threat. I wanted a husband, a family."
Caleb could hear echoes of the lost girl she'd been, the teenager with no one but a bitter, angry woman to teach her. He wished he could go back in time and kiss away Vicki's pain but all he could do was listen.
She put one hand on his shoulder, hesitant, searching. "So I tried to do as she said. But she didn't tell me how far I could go with my husband, didn't tell me what it was that I couldn't do. I didn't know the rules so I froze. And after a while, you stopped trying to teach me."
He knew she was right. He'd arrogantly expected her to follow his lead, never asking if that was what she wanted, never stopping to listen to her unspoken needs. But some mistakes could be rectified. "Tell me what would make it easier for you."
Her fingers stilled. Turning over at last, he propped himself over her. "Don't stop speaking to me now," he said, not sure he could cope if he had to do this over again. His male ego was already bruised and battered.
"It's so hard to say." Her voice was a whisper. "The only thing I need is your patience."
"Slow, honey? Is that what you want?"
Her hands moved between them to press softly against his chest. "Yes."
He traced patterns across the delicate skin of her neck, aching for her. "Do you really want me, Vicki?"
He needed the answer to that blunt question, even if the wrong answer could wound him beyond repair. As he finished speaking, he shifted subtly, letting her feel his arousal against her thigh. He wanted her, had always wanted her. No other woman could do this to him.
She gasped. "Caleb." Her skin flushed hot against his fingertips and she put both hands on his shoulders. He thought for a second that she was going to push him away and his heart plummeted. Then her fingers curved and she tugged him closer. "How can you always do this to me? We've been together for five years."
"Do what to you?" Fascinated by the way her body was melting to accommodate his, he could hardly speak.
Another silence, but this time it was filled with the heat of their hunger. "Needy, hot … starving for you."
* * *
Six
« ^ »
Caleb's breath rushed out of him. Unable to form words, he used touch to tell her how he felt. Sliding his hand down, he spread his fingers over her belly, indulging himself as he'd wanted to do since forever. Soon, this barely curved plane would round and he'd explore that change day by sweet day without worrying that his embrace was unwelcome or unwanted.
Something hot and beautiful sparked inside his heart at the thought of the tiny life hidden inside his wife's body. A life that had been so determined to be born it had circumvented all their precautions. He was already proud of their kid's stubbornness.
"It feels like the first time," Vicki whispered.
He leaned down. "For both of us." Their mouths met.
Sweet temptation.
That was what she'd always tasted like. The sweetest, most luscious of temptations. Except now, there was an edge to the taste of her, a spicy bite. His body grew heavy with need, captivated by this woman who was half stranger and so sexy, he thought he might die from the intensity of the desire riding him.
Then her hands began moving hesitantly down his chest, caressing him through the hair there. After so many years of hunger, he could scarcely bear the almost painful pleasure. When she began to circle her fingers around his nipples, his breath grew jagged, the sound harsh in the intimate silence.
"Caleb?" Breaking the kiss, she stilled.
"Don't stop, Vicki. I've waited years for your touch." He let her see his need, let her see the things he'd hidden from her, too damn proud to make himself vulnerable.
"Will you … will you tell me if I do something that I shouldn't?"
Her courage amazed him. "I swear to you I will never be turned off by anything you do in this bed."
Her body shuddered. "It almost killed me not to…" Her fingers began to move again, stroking and petting and learning. "So many times I wanted to tell you but then I'd think that ladies weren't supposed to discuss sex, that it would turn you from me. How could I have been so stupid?"
"Hush." He kissed her. "You were worried and inexperienced, and I'm not the easiest of men to talk to. Forget the past—from now on it's you and me in this bed, no lies, no regrets."
"No regrets." Those slender fingers slid down to caress his abdomen, his waist, his back.
Trying to find the strength to let her explore him as she needed to do, he reclaimed her lips. And drowned in the feel of her, in the exquisite lushness of the sensuality she'd released from bondage. Her kiss promised the same ecstasy it always had. But this time his body thrummed with the knowledge that the promise would be fulfilled if only he was patient.
Delicate hands stroked his back before returning to his chest. He wanted to demand a more intimate touch, something he'd never asked of her, but even enslaved by passion, he knew she had to make that decision on her own. He was utterly at her mercy. She could heal him or break him.
Her hand brushed past his navel.
"Lower," he grit out, unable to stay silent. "Sorry."
She kissed his jaw. "No. I want you to tell me. I need you to."
He was having trouble thinking with her hand where it was. Then one of her fingers plucked at the waistband of his boxers and he groaned, "Lower, honey." His voice was so rough, he barely understood himself.
"Like this?"
Shudders racked him as her fingers slipped under the waistband to carefully grasp his erection. Burying his face in her neck, he tried to breathe as she began to stroke him slow and hard. He fisted the sheets in his hands, refusing to bruise her by crushing her skin in a grip gone feral.
Under his chest, her breasts were soft, her nipples beautifully pebbled even through her pajama top, but he was too blinded by unexpected pleasure to pay homage to them. Shocked by the fury of the fire arcing through him, he had no choice but to surrender. And in that moment, Caleb did something he hadn't done in five years of marriage. He lost control.
The climax hit him hard and fast, a knockout punch that left him a heavy weight on her, drained, heart racing at a thousand miles an hour. "I'm sorry," he rasped when he could speak.
To his surprise, she kissed his neck and said, "Do you really want me that much?" Her free hand lifted to brush sweat-damp hair off his forehead.
"I've always wanted you." The single reason he'd never before surrendered so completely was because the wanting had seemed one-sided. That painful knowledge had always blunted his physical pleasure. He'd gone to her bed but part of him had stayed separate, trying to protect himself from the hurt he knew would come.
"I want to please you again," she whispered, nuzzling his throat. "I want to feel you wanting me. I need to know that you like it when I … when I let go." She swallowed and he felt the movement. "I can't quite convince myself that it's okay to be like this with you."
He sucked in a breath when he realized she was still holding him intimately. "Sweetheart, believe me, I'd love to oblige you but I'm thirty-four years old. I don't recover quite so f
ast anymore."
Her hand began to stroke and squeeze, while her lips trailed along the edge of his jaw. "Please, Caleb?"
He'd taught his body to be satisfied with barely a taste when he wanted to gorge. About to tell her it would take time no matter how much he wanted to indulge her, he felt his body roar to life. She began placing suckling kisses on his neck as her free hand played over his chest.
"I want to give you…" he began.
Her hand tightened a fraction, sending shock waves over his body. "You've given me enough pleasure for two lifetimes. I owe you. Let me, Caleb, honey. Let me." The last was a sensual plea.
He didn't stand a chance.
* * *
When he woke the next morning, Vicki was gone from the bed but he could hear her singing in the kitchen. Grinning, he got up, feeling like a teenager. They hadn't made love last night but he wasn't complaining. It would come.
If he was patient.
Caleb had never been much good at patience but damn if he wasn't going to win a gold medal in it this time around. He was still grinning as he ducked into the shower. Fifteen minutes later, he finished putting on his tie and walked into the kitchen.
Vicki was at the stove, flipping pancakes. He loved pancakes but she usually only made them on weekends. Coming up behind her, he slipped his arms around her waist and kissed her neck. "Good morning."
She went bright red as she mumbled "Good morning." Turning off the stove, she put the pancakes on a plate.
He knew that part of her had to be worried about what they'd done last night, whether she'd acted the right way or not. Knowing that something was okay, and accepting it were two different things. "I'm looking forward to being patient tonight."
"Caleb Callaghan!" Whirling around in his arms, she met his laughing gaze. "Don't you tease me about this."