“What’s that?” I ask, furrowing my brows as she jumps.
Rachel sets the bottle on the counter and turns to face me. “What’s what?” she asks in return.
“That.” I nod to the medicine bottle.
“It’s a medication my doctor put me on,” she mutters.
Reaching out, I grab the bottle and furrow my brow even more as I recognize the name as an antidepressant. Anger builds inside me at the name of the doctor. “Why the fuck did Lanston put you on this shit?” I demand, zeroing my gaze on her.
“Um.” Rachel diverts her gaze from us.
“Look at me.” She brings her eyes back to me with tears filling them. “Why are you on antidepressants?”
“Because I had a miscarriage,” she murmurs, shocking the shit out of me. How the fuck did I not know this?
I would have fuckin’ been there for her.
“When?” I growl, slamming the fuckin’ bottle down.
“During one of your trips to visit Destiny.” Tears spill down her cheeks as she tells me.
Motherfucker.
Stepping back from Rachel, I try to control the anger building inside me. Not at her, not completely but at myself, for allowing this shit to happen. She miscarried, losing our child, and I’d been so far up my own ass, I left her to deal with this shit on her own.
Turning around, I storm out of the cabin slamming the door behind me as I go. This shit is fuckin’ with my head as the guilt comes at me tenfold.
How do I help fix what’s broken between us when the storm keeps coming down on us?
“Rachel loves you, you can see it; however that love is being clouded by fear. You need to show her she means something to you.” Raven’s words filter through my head.
Rachel loves me and is scared of a hell of a lot more than me but I’m for certain it has nothing to do with being like her mother. My woman is far from that low life trash that gave birth to her. It was a good day, the day I killed that bitch. She deserved every bit of it.
I just need to show Rachel exactly what she means to me and not by using words but rather by my actions.
Chapter Four
Rachel
My heart is completely shattered as the door slams behind Stoney after I tell him about the miscarriage. I have to admit that is one of my main reasons for the distance between the two of us, I lost one of our children.
Failure consumed me and when Stoney approached me with what happened to Boss, I’d given him my advice and support just as an ol’ lady should but on the inside, I’d been dying. He’d taken me with him to New York to speak with Boss and gave her his DNA to put Cowboy’s name on the birth certificate. I knew it upset him to do this but he was protecting his child in a way that would take at least one threat off her shoulders.
I rush to the bathroom, hand over my mouth. I make it to the toilet just in time for my stomach to empty what little contents I had in it. Sobs wrack my body as I let it out.
It’s over.
I know it. Stoney left and isn’t going to come back.
It’s bad enough I was only a replacement for another woman, but now he knows, I lost his child. I may have had Sebastian; however, I’ll never be enough for him. Not in the way I should.
Pulling myself up, I strip out of my clothes, turn the shower on and before it even gets warm, I climb in letting the water wash my tears away. How I wish I could go back in time and be stronger. If only I’d stood up to Lucien, I wouldn’t be seen as such a weak woman. I’ll never be as strong as Boss is.
Running my hands through my hair, I lift my head to face the spray and let out a silent cry of agony. Maybe I should just step aside and completely remove myself altogether. Stoney’s made it clear, I’m not for him.
I’m so consumed with my pain; I don’t hear the shower curtain being slid open, to realize any one is joining me until Stoney wraps his arms around me causing me to scream slightly in surprise. Without a word, he turns me to face him. He lifts a hand, cups my chin to tilt my head up enough for him to see my face.
Neither of us say a word as Stoney seems to stare deep into my eyes trying to see into my soul. “I fucked up, Doll,” he whispers softly, leaning forward to press his forehead to mine.
Closing my eyes, I shake my head.
“I did,” he murmurs, pulling me flush against his bare chest. “But starting now, I’m going to start mending that.”
What does he mean by that?
“Don’t say things you don’t mean,” I whisper inaudibly.
“Rachel, I mean every fuckin’ word coming out of my mouth, baby. I love you woman, meant my vows when I said them and I’m going to prove this to you,” he rasps, his voice seeming to be thick with emotion.
Sucking in a breath, I place my hands against his chest and slide them up to wrap around his neck. Stoney’s hands move to my bare bottom. Cupping my cheeks, he lifts me up without the slightest effort.
“Fuck, Doll, you’ve lost too much damn weight,” he growls as I wrap my legs around his waist.
Stoney moves, turning off the water and stepping out of the tub, walking us out of the bathroom. A shiver runs down my spine as the chill comes over me. I wrapped myself more around Stoney as he walks.
A small squeal leaves me as he lowers me down on the floor in front of the fire that was still going.
Leaning over me, Stoney reaches his hands up and removes my hands from around his neck. “I want you to keep your eyes on me, Doll,” he rasps gruffly, putting my arms over my head. “Keep your arms over your head.”
My breath catches as Stoney’s hands roam over my body in a way he’s never touched me before when we had sex. Lowering his head, he presses kisses to the middle of my chest, turning to give each of my breasts attention. Moving further he presses gentle kisses against my skin, my breathing coming heavier. I can feel myself growing wetter with each touch.
Stoney lifts his gaze to meet mine as he presses a kiss to my lower stomach, “Fuckin’ hate myself for not being there for you, Rachel.” Tears well in my eyes at the way his voice hitches with his own grief.
Overwhelmed with the need to touch Stoney, to feel him completely, I move, reaching out to him I cup either side of his face. Using my hands to guide his face to mine. His body resting between mine, cock pressing against my entrance. Lifting my head, I press my lips to his. Instantly the kiss becomes desperate as he thrust his tongue into my mouth twirling, dancing with mine as he slowly sinks into me.
Moaning into his mouth, my body arches into his.
Stoney breaks the kiss, and I whimper with need as he lifts himself to look down at me. “Fuckin’ love you, baby. You are my world.”
Meeting his gaze, I look deep into his eyes to find the deceit in his words, only to find nothing but truth. He means it.
“Scott,” I gasp using his birth name rather than his road name, feeling myself growing closer to the edge of coming. “I love you too.”
“Come for me, Doll,” he commands grunting as he picks up speed, thrusting deeper inside hitting me in the spot that always sends me over the edge.
Crying out his name, I dig my nails into his back. Several thrusts later, he follows me growling my name, his cock twitching deep inside me as he comes.
Sighing, I slide my hands from his back, down his arms and over his chest. The entire time my eyes are locked with his.
“Fuck,” Stoney pants breathlessly, rolling us until I’m on top of him. His cock still deep inside me. “I fuckin’ miss being inside you.”
Resting my head on his chest, I close my eyes as his words sink in and doubt tries to come in.
The two of us lay silently, the only noise in the background is the crackling fire.
“Rachel, doll, look at me,” Stoney murmurs.
Taking a deep breath, I lift my head, bracing my arms on his chest as I do as he asks. Lifting his hand, Stoney brushes the wet strands of hair out of my face.
“I know it’s going to take some time, baby, but I intend to get us ba
ck to where we need to be. I never should have pushed you away like I did. I get that’s what I did and I’m one lucky fucker you haven’t left me yet.” My heart nearly stops at his words.
Does he really mean it?
“Yeah, Rachel, I mean every word of it.” He grins up at me and I realize I must have asked that out loud.
Sitting up, I gasp as I feel his cock twitch inside me, I take hold of his hands and bring them up to place them directly over my heart. Taking a deep breath, I take a major leap, praying that this is a Christmas miracle gift. “I love you, Scott, you know I do. I’ve loved you since I was little. I’ll admit now, it’s been hard, and I’m not trying to throw it in your face; however, you hurt me more than you can imagine. The lies truly gutted me. Then you pulled away.”
“Not throwing it in my face, Doll, just saying it as it is, I know I’ve been a complete asshole to you from day one,” he says, stroking his thumb over my heart feeling the beat under his touch. “I intend to be there from now on, Rachel.”
God, I hope he means that.
Chapter Five
Rachel
Throughout the rest of the night and into the earlier hours of the morning, Stoney made love to me, not just sinking his cock into me just to get off. In some ways the experience was so similar yet so much more intense than when we first started out together.
We finally moved from the floor in the living room to the bedroom where Stoney took me just as slowly. Some of the time I was on top of him. It was pure beauty and I don’t know what to make of how tender his touch with me was.
Now laying in his arms for what feels like the first time in a very long time, I’m overwhelmed with emotions. This is what I’ve wanted for so long and yet hadn’t had. Not since the day he found out about Destiny. Even though he said he was going to bring us back to us, what does he mean?
Will he still see me as a replacement for the woman he really wanted? Is he just saying this because I told him about the miscarriage? God, I’m so confused. I wish I could call Dr. Lanston and ask him. He’s made me understand so much while helping me cope with all the pain I’ve felt for so long. However, I’m sure Stoney won’t like me calling him to talk about these things. He’s made it known his distaste of me going to counseling. As he once put it, ‘You don’t need that fuckin’ shit. I don’t fuckin’ want you seein’ another man when your man is standing right in front of you.’ I’d voiced this to Dr. Lanston, he’d told me this was Stoney’s way of controlling me and that I needed to break away from his hold.
Only after last night, I realize I’ve been hiding myself away from him. Keeping the miscarriage from him was wrong, it was something he should have known about; it was his child as well.
Could I have kept him in the dark out of spite? For what he did?
“You’re thinking too much this morning,” Stoney murmurs, pressing a kiss to the top of my head as his arms tighten around me. “What’s going on in that beautiful head?”
Startled by his actions, I lift my head to look up at him. “I don’t know how to talk about it. Not without us fighting or you getting angry with me,” I whisper faintly.
“Doll, need you to tell me, can’t work on finding a way through the thick fog without you guiding me to where I need to head.”
Shuddering at his raspy tone, I know it’s more than just his sleep filled voice. No, he’s alert, eyes focused solely on me. “Just say what it is and we’ll go from there,” he states, encouraging me to speak up.
“Do you see me as a replacement?” Great, that’s not the first thing I wanted to go with but of course this is what I allow to spew from my mouth.
“Rachel,” he mutters gravelly, rolling us until he’s hovering over me, bracing himself up with his arm while lifting his hand from the other to cup my cheek. “You, Doll, have never been seen as anyone but who you are, my woman. Never have I thought of you as a replacement. I admit, I care for Boss, always will but not in the way you’d think. And just so you know, baby, when I took you up there with me the last time after the threat to Destiny’s life, I did that to show you, you had nothing to worry about.”
“But I look just like her,” I whisper, closing my eyes to keep the tears from welling up.
“Look at me,” he says gruffly, his thumb stroking my cheek. Opening my eyes, I do as he commands. “You do not look anything like Boss, she doesn’t have the cute little nose that you do.” Stoney moves his hand from my cheek to tap my nose. “She doesn’t have those lips that I constantly think about.” Oh God. “She also doesn’t have the body you do, by the way we’ll be discussing your weight loss later. What I’m trying to say, Rachel, is Boss might mean something to me as a friend and the mother to Destiny, she’s not the one I held every night as her stomach grew with my child. She also isn’t the one I held the hand of when she gave birth to my son. That was you, baby, you are the only one I see when I look at you, when I hold you, and you sure as hell are the only one I think of when my cock is deep inside your tight pussy.”
Leaning down, Stoney presses a gentle kiss to my lips. “Now do you understand when I say you are not a replacement?”
“Yes,” I murmur nodding.
“Good, let’s get to the next thing bothering you.”
“Um, can we please do the rest of this after I use the bathroom and check my blood sugar?” I ask, attempting to hold off talking about anymore of this.
“Go ahead and use the bathroom,” he says, giving me a grin that always makes me wait. Rolling off of me, he climbs out of the bed, reaches for me, and pulls me out of the bed.
Pushing me toward the bathroom, Stoney reaches into one of the two bags he’d brought into the cabin when we’d gotten here and pulls out a pair of sweatpants. “Do your thing, I’m going to check something really quick and I’ll be right back.”
“Okay,” I whisper.
In the bathroom, I do my thing. Turning the water on at the sink, I look at myself in the mirror as I wash my hands, Stoney’s words filter through my head. “Now do you understand when I say you are not a replacement?” The way his eyes burned into me as he spoke about holding me while I grew round with Sebastian.
Maybe Dr. Lanston is wrong about Stoney and he acts the way he does for a reason. Then again, why did he lie to me so much?
Chapter Six
Stoney
Giving Rachel a couple minutes to herself, I go ahead and start cooking us something for breakfast. My mind goes over last night and how responsive she was to me. Fuck, just thinking about how tight she was around me causes my cock to stiffen in my sweatpants.
Hitting the button on the coffee maker, I spot the medicine bottle on the counter by Rachel’s blood sugar monitor kit. Lifting the bottle in my hand, I glower at the sight of Lanston’s name. I don’t know how he ended up being Rachel’s counselor but thinking about it all, she’d been distancing herself from me even more than she already was ever since she started seeing him.
I need to get her to stop seeing him. I wouldn’t take her out of counseling if she feels she needs it; however, I think she should probably switch to a female doctor who could relate better to a woman’s mind. Sighing, I put the bottle down deciding to talk to her about it after we get shit straight between us.
Reaching across the counter, I grab the loaf of bread, open the bag and grab a couple slices to put in the toaster. Turning the toaster on, I step away to look out the window to find the snow coming down heavy. Good thing I don’t plan on us adventuring out, considering I didn’t pack much of anything for my woman to wear. I intend to keep her in nothing more than one of my shirts the entire time we’re here.
“Hm, coffee.” At the sound of Rachels voice, I turn back from the window to grin at her.
“It’s almost ready, Doll, go ahead and check your sugar. I’m making us some toast,” I say, enjoying the sight of her in my tee. It’s something I hadn’t seen in a long fuckin’ time.
She was always in one of her pj sets she’d bought when I’d finally get
home and climb into the bed. Which last night was the first time she’d slept in my arms rather than the opposite side of the bed in a long damn time.
Nodding, Rachel goes about checking her sugar levels as I grab two coffee mugs for us, my gaze on her as she lifts the medicine bottle in her hands looking as if she were contemplating something.
“How about you hold off on taking that for now? I know it’s not wise to just stop taking something but I know what that medicine does to you and I kinda like having my ol’ lady looking like she has life in her eyes,” I murmur, knowing these pills are partially the reason she’s been secluding herself.
“Ugh, okay,” she whispers, giving me a curt nod.
“Thank you, Doll,” I say just as softly, as I pull her into me.
“You’re welcome.” With a small smile tipping her lips Rachel leans into me.
Sliding my hands to her waist, I lift her up placing her on the counter. “Now you sit there, while I get you something to eat,” I tell her, leaning forward I press a kiss to her lips.
At the beep of the coffee maker, I grab the pot and pour coffee into our mugs. Replacing the pot, I add the Splenda in for Rachel and hand it to her. I take a quick sip of my own, I grab the sugar free jelly for our toast. Since I’ve been with Rachel, I’ve gotten in the habit of using sugar free items along with her. Splenda isn’t as bad as people make it out to be.
“Do you hate me for keeping the miscarriage from you?” she asks hastily as if she’d been holding that question in.
Shit.
“Could never fuckin’ hate you, Rachel. Love you too damn much for that shit. Am I hurt you didn’t tell me? Yeah, I am, but it’s my own fault for that. I admit it. I haven’t been there for you the way I should have been. Same goes for our kids,” I murmur, putting the food down on the counter next to her and taking the coffee mug from her and placing it down next to mine.
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