by Casey Morgan
I’m fully, one hundred percent clueless to what life is like outside of the church. Which is why I always do what my parents want. I don’t really know what my other options are. They made sure that I was dependent on them. That way, I could never really strike out on my own. And it worked because the second I tried, I failed and ran back home running.
We finally get back home, and I want to get this all over with now. I feel like the sooner we hash all of this out, the better. I’m worried if I don’t say anything now, everything will just fall back into our old routine, and that is the last thing that I want.
“Mom, Dad. I just want to apologize for running off like that. I’m so sorry. I got all confused and thought it was the only way to fix things. I should have just talked to you guys –”
“Anya, stop talking, okay. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care.”
“Um…” I’m not sure how to react to that.
Clearly, Dad’s mad. Both of my parents are mad, but I can’t tell where this is going. They always want me to repent and be regretful. I thought my apologizing is something that they would want.
“What were you doing with the wolves?” he asks me.
Wolves? What does he mean the wolves? I wasn’t with them. They were attacking us. Or I think they were. I’m not actually sure what they were doing there, but it had absolutely nothing to do with me. I mean, maybe they followed my scent or something. I don’t know. It’s just the way my father worded it that’s confusing me.
“I wasn’t doing anything with them. I don’t know what was going on.”
“Anya. What were you doing with the wolves?” he asks me again, but, this time, it’s a little bit more menacing.
“I – they just followed me. I don’t know why, but they kept trying to attack me out in the woods. It was so weird, but I don’t know. I just don’t know.”
Why are they asking me about the wolves? It’s confusing, makes no sense, and has nothing to do with what’s happened.
“What about that man you were with. What was his name?”
“Raul?”
“Yes, him. What were you doing with him and those wolves with him?”
Is that what this is about? The fact that I was with a man. I mean, I fully expected my parents to get all weirded out and be fixated on the random guy I arrived with, but the wolves are throwing me for a loop.
“Um, he wasn’t with any wolves. It was just the two of us. I mean, he saved me from a wolf attack in the woods and was escorting me to church to make sure I was safe and stuff. I also got a little lost, so he was helping me find my way out.”
What do they mean those wolves with him? Raul wasn’t with any wolves. How could we have even been with them? That doesn’t make any sense. They’re animals.
“What were you two doing in the woods?”
“Nothing. I ran into him after I got lost. He saved me and then helped me get back to town.”
It’s really not that big of a deal. Why can’t they just believe me for once? I’ve always been a good daughter, and this is really the one time I stepped out like this. I just want them to give me the benefit of the doubt. For once in my life.
“Nothing, really? What did he tell you?”
“What did he tell me?” I repeat. “Nothing. I mean, not really. I told him that I was lost, we exchanged names, he helped me get back here. That’s all.”
I’m repeating myself over and over. Ugh, why can’t my mom and dad just get it into their heads that nothing happened between Raul and me? I mean, I know I kind of wanted to, but it didn’t happen, so it shouldn’t be such a big deal.
“Anya, tell me the truth.”
“The truth? I am telling you the truth! I’m not lying! Why do you think I’m lying?”
I’m getting heated. I’ve never yelled at my dad like this before, but he’s refusing to believe me, and I don’t know why. He’s coming up with all these crazy questions that don’t make an ounce of sense.
“Why are you asking me all of these questions?”
My father presses his lips into a thin line. I’m waiting for an answer, but he’s not giving me one. Is he just going to ignore my question? That’s so dumb!
I feel myself getting energized, that same rush of adrenaline I felt whenever the wolves attacked. I clench and unclench my fists, hoping it will help me calm down just a little bit, but it’s not working. I just keep thinking about how my parents always do this type of thing, acting like I’m some sort of devil child when, in reality, they are the ones who have hurt me the most.
“Why are you doing this to me? Why do you always do this to me?” I growl. I don’t mean to, but the sounds just keep coming out of my throat. It feels like I’m on the verge of jumping on the two of them. I don’t know what’s coming over me.
“Anya, you need to calm down.”
My dad holds up his hand. He wants me to calm down. I’m not going to calm down. Why should I? This is a very aggravating situation, and I am reacting accordingly. I’m not going to temper my reaction just because my parents want me to. My senses are on such high alert, anyway. I don’t think I could calm down even if I wanted to.
“Why?” I throw back at him.
“You don’t know who you really are, okay? You don’t know what’s going to happen.”
Chapter Ten
Anya
What does that mean? Why would I need to calm down for those reasons? I mean, that’s all true, but it’s only true because my parents never took the time to actually explain anything to me.
“Duh! You guys never tell me anything! You just lie to me and keep me in the dark about everything like I’m a stupid baby!”
No one ever tells me anything. I’m always left in the dark for whatever reason, and it is starting to get to me.
Raul was acting all weird earlier, keeping his own secrets, but, then, when he walked away, he said all those odd things. Talking about if I wanted to know about who I am and my one true love.
How does everyone know so much more about my life than me? I should be the one who knows the most about myself.
And I’m not even mad at Raul. He probably didn’t want to get into everything in front of my parents. But my parents, oh boy. They’ve been doing this to me my whole life. Demanding so much of me but giving nothing in return.
“Tell me the truth, guys. At the very least, I deserve that. I deserve to know whatever it is you’ve been keeping from me.”
“I am your father. You owe me the truth, so you’d better tell me whatever it is that man told you or whatever it is you two did. What were you up to in the forest?”
“I already told you exactly what happened. I can’t keep saying the same thing over and over!”
“Did you run away to be with them? Is that it? Did that boy get to you?”
“Get to me how? Run away to be with who? I don’t know what you’re talking about!”
“She’s lying!” my mom yells. This is the first time she’s spoken since this whole thing started.
She’s been looking back and forth between my dad and me for this entire argument. Even though she hasn’t said anything until now, I know she is just as guilty as my father regarding what is going on here.
“I’m not lying!” I throw my hands up in frustration.
“Then what is that?” My mom points to my wrist.
I furrow my brow, not sure what she’s is talking about at first, but then realize that she is indicating the bracelet I’m wearing.
“This thing?” I ask, holding up the bracelet on my wrist. “I don’t know. I just found it outside the church one day and kept it. You guys never bought my anything nice, and I didn’t think it was such a big deal since no one ever came back to claim it.” And it literally has nothing to do with what is going on right now.
“It’s a gift from that heathen you were with,” my mom comments, completely disregarding my explanation. “You must have done something ungodly to get him to give that to you.”
“What?!
”
“She needs to be righted,” Mom is looking up at my father, a fire in her eyes.
I don’t know what she means. Does she think I slept with Raul so he would give me a bracelet? Is that who they really think I am? I definitely wanted to be with him, he’s the only person who’s made me feel that good ever, but I wouldn’t give myself away for a piece of jewelry.
“You’re right. She’s straying from the path and must be forced to return.”
My dad starts to undo his belt the way he always does. I know what’s about to happen. This scene has played out in front of me so many times, I can already feel the lashes on my back.
I almost fold into myself like I always do, but I realize I don’t have to take this. I thought I was some poor defenseless child, but I went into the outside world. Sure, I got lost, but I was able to run away from a pack of wolves unscathed. Maybe I can take care of myself. Plus, I don’t want to live in seclusion anymore. I know I was only there for a few hours, but those were the best few hours of life.
“No!” I yell.
My dad stops moving, his expression frozen. I’ve never fought back when he’s tried to beat me.
I start to bark like I’m a wild animal. They just keep coming out of me, this loud, ferocious noises. I want to tear my dad’s face off. I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It feels so weird but also right. Like it’s natural or something, but there’s nothing normal about me barking at my parents.
It doesn’t mean I can stop.
I charge for my dad’s face, intending to show him exactly how much it hurts to be the one on the receiving end. It’s about time he understood what a bad father he has been all these years.
For the first time ever, I see my dad’s resolve drop, and he takes a step back, looking frightened. His fearful face doesn’t stop me, but, instead, the fact that my mother is now standing in front of him. She never interferes with his beatings of me. In fact, she’s usually the one who incenses him to take off his belt.
But, right now, she looks scared, just like my dad does. She’s holding up her hands, and they are shaking ever so slightly.
“Please, Anya. Please calm down. You don’t understand what’s going on. You need to calm down.”
I don’t know what is going on! Something like this has never happened to me before. I’ve never felt this kind of anger in my life. I’ve never growled or barked at anyone like I was some kind of dog or something.
Looking at my parent’s faces, I have this insane, irrational desire to tear their faces off. I get visions of them just bleeding out on the ground, and that is actually enough to give me second thoughts. I wouldn’t want to see my parents like that, lying dead on the floor because of me. It’s so much violence, too much violence.
I don’t want to be like them. I’m never going to be like them. I think about all the things they did to me. Beating me, degrading me, always telling me how I would never be worth anything. They isolated me, never let me have a life of my own. They did absolutely everything to keep me from being an actual, real person. They just wanted a shell they could fill with their own ideas and expectations.
While I’m not going to physically hurt my parents, I’m not about to let them get off scot-free. Instead of going for their faces, I go for the walls of the house, slashing at them, tearing through them. I don’t know how my nails are managing to cut open the drywall, but it’s like paper under my nails. They actually feel like claws now. Strong and long and heavy. It’s crazy.
I go to the furniture next, destroying it all. I don’t leave a single thing untouched. This house was my prison for years, and that anger and sadness is what is fueling me. It feels good going through everything in the house.
My mom is begging me to stop, crying as if they aren’t the ones who brought this on themselves.
I go through the whole house, the only room I don’t tear up being my room. When I get back to my parents in the living room, my dad is ranting. He’s shaking his head at my mom, who is crying still.
“See, I told you she went to be with them, and she knows everything now.”
I don’t think my mother is really listening to him. They don’t seem to be listening to each other at all. They’re both hysterical in their own way. My dad keeps going on and on, talking about this mysterious ‘them.’
Who does he think I ran away to be with? I know I’m not going to get any answers from them. I tried to talk before, but all my dad could do was double talk and turn everything back around on me.
Chapter Eleven
Anya
I’m still breathing heavily, wondering what I can do at this point. There is no way I can stay here. Not after everything that has just happened. I remember what Raul told me about meeting him in the clearing. I wasn’t ready before, scared that if I tried to run off again, I would just end up ruining my life even further. But, after this fight with my parents, I know that I can’t mess up my life any more than they have.
I look at my mom and dad once again, wondering if I’ll feel anything for them. Honestly, I don’t. All I can feel is the fact that I’m ready to be done with them. I tear out of the house, running through the town. I’m running even faster than before when those wolves were chasing me. Maybe it’s the anger giving me that extra boost. I get out of the town, and to the edge of the forest so fast, it’s crazy.
But I don’t stop. I keep running and running. I’m not going to stop until I get to Raul. He’s the only one I want to be with at this moment, and I feel like he is the only person I can trust. He’s the first person to ever really protect me. I want that feeling of security, and I want the truth.
I get to the clearing and find Raul standing in the middle. He’s looking directly at me as I approach. I collapse into his open arms, exhausted with tears pricking my eyes.
“Anya?”
He’s holding on to me tightly, making sure I don’t totally fall to the ground. My limbs barely want to hold me up, so, if not for Raul, I would be a mess in the dirt.
“I’m ready to hear everything,” I tell him. “I want to know the truth about it all. I’m done not knowing.”
“Are you sure?”
I pick my head up from Raul’s chest and look into his dark brown eyes. The hard lines of his face have gone soft as he looks at me with such warmth. I know anything he tells me won’t be to hurt me or repress my spirit, but, instead, he just wants to make sure I end up being okay.
“Yes, I’m sure. I’m tired of not knowing, of being left in the dark.”
My parents have kept all kinds of secrets for my entire life. I want to know who I am and what all these new things mean.
“There’s something we have to do first before I can tell you everything.”
“What is it?”
I’m willing to do whatever Raul says we need to do. I’m ready to jump into this with both of my feet. This time, I’m not going to run back home with my tail between my legs. I don’t think I’ll ever go back home again, in fact.
“I have to claim you as my own.”
“Claim me?” What does that mean?
“Yeah,” he seems a little sheepish. Is he worried I am going to say no? “I have to take you. I understand if you don’t want to but learning all these big secrets. It might sound weird, but… I don’t know.” He’s kind of stuttering, but he has no reason to. He’s been on my mind ever since we ran into one another. Raul is exactly who I want, and whatever that comes with, I’m all in.
“Yes, I want that. I’ve been wanting you to take my virginity since we met,” I admit.
It sounds weird these words coming out of my mouth and being said to an actual person. I’ve had so many fantasies about this very moment, but none of them are living up to how great this moment actually is.
I look down at the ground, the sheepishness taking me over a little bit. Raul puts his finger under my chin, lifting my head up so I can look him in the eyes.
“You’re so beautiful. Do you
know that?” he whispers at me.
I feel my face getting hot. I’m not used to compliments of any kind. My parents never gave me any, and I rarely interacted with anyone else. This might actually be the first time someone has called me beautiful.
“Thank you. You’re not so bad yourself,” I reply, biting my lip.
I feel butterflies in my stomach looking up at the man who is about to make love to me for the first time in my life. My whole body feels like it’s full of pins and needles.
“Thanks,” he softly chuckles.
Raul brings his mouth down on mine, his lips touching me gently. I mold against him, my body fitting perfectly into his. I breathe deeply, taking in the earthy scent the permeates Raul’s skin.
His lips move from my mouth over to my cheek and down my neck. I grab onto his shirt, my hands making tight fists. His teeth nip at my neck, the pinpricks causing electric sparks going all the way down to my nether regions.
“Raul,” I breathe.
He mumbles something against my skin. I don’t know what, but it feels divine. He keeps going, his hands moving from my arms, down my body. I feel him reach the top of my long skirt. His hand slips under the hem, going past my underwear. His fingers rub me over my panties. I grip his shirt even tighter. Touching myself has never felt this good.
“Is that okay?”
“Yeah,” I nod. It’s perfect.
Raul continues to move his fingers, making slow circles as he continues to kiss up and down my neck. He slips his finger into the fabric, placing one of them on my clit. My legs start to shake, the pressure he’s mounting inside of my pussy overtaking my entire body.
“You’re so perfect,” Raul whispers into my ear.
I feel the energy inside of me increasing. It’s like before but different. It’s not that same angry aggression, but something about being touched by Raul like this just feels right.
“Oh my God, I’m going to, I’m going to.”
I can’t even finish my sentence, my entire body exploding. This is by far the best orgasm I’ve ever had in my life. I hear the soft moans I’m making drift in the air, my breathing shaky. Raul continues to milk it out of me, moving his fingers until my quaking subsides.