Infamous Love

by Lea Coll

  “You’re so confident.” I wanted to believe her even though nothing had ever turned out in my favor.

  “I know Gray as much as anyone can. I’ve known him longer at least. He doesn’t open up. He doesn’t have girlfriends. He certainly doesn’t bring them to my parents’ house. He felt something for you. I don’t think he’ll walk away. At least not forever.”

  She sat at the island, digging into her ice cream.

  I wanted to talk to him. He didn’t know the whole story. He didn’t know what it felt like to live under a microscope, feeling like you had no choices in your life.

  “I want him to know I’m different. I’m not that person anymore.”

  Piper dropped her spoon in her bowl, placing her hand over mine. “Anyone can see you’re not that person.”

  “I don’t feel like that person anymore. But reading the articles, seeing the pictures and comments, brings it all back―the pressure to act a certain way, the shame that came with it when I did, the feeling like I was on a hamster wheel I couldn’t get off.”

  “Everyone deserves a second chance. If Gray can’t see that then he’s not the guy for you.”

  That might have been true, but her words drilled a hole in my heart.

  “Have you texted him since?”

  “No. I wanted him to have a chance to calm down. I was hoping he’d come to me.” It might be too much to hope for.

  “I’d reach out then, let him know you want to talk.”

  “Yeah, that’s a good idea.” I didn’t want to walk away, to close this chapter in my life. I wanted to fight for him. I was wrong not to tell him, even if I had reasons—reasons I could only hope he’d eventually understand. I pulled out my phone, the empty screen taunting me.

  Elle: I’d like a chance to talk to you. I know I don’t deserve it. I wasn’t upfront with you. I omitted a huge part of my life, but I’d love a chance to explain, to apologize. I love you.

  I put the phone down as if it had the power to bite me. My heart beat loudly in my ears.

  “I’ve never been this invested in someone. No one ever mattered to me like this. As if my whole existence depended on him listening to me, loving me. I’ll be okay without him, but—”

  “You’ll be so much happier with him.”

  I slumped, taking a large bite of ice cream. “Exactly.”

  We ate in silence for a few minutes.

  Straightening, I said, “There has to be something I can do, to prove how much he means to me, that I’m not that person anymore.”

  “I think you already have. The person you showed him wasn’t that girl in LA. He needs to realize that on his own.”

  My heart slowed, the perpetual buzzing in my ears dulled. “I hate waiting around, not knowing what he’s thinking or feeling.”

  “You’re good, Elle Carmichael. Whatever happens, you’re a good person.” Piper hugged me.

  I let those words seep into my bones and my soul. I was a good person. If Gray couldn’t see that then he wasn’t the man for me.

  Chapter 23

  Gray

  * * *

  At home, I read Elle’s message, knowing I needed to reconcile the person she was with me with the person she was before.

  I sifted through every scenario in my head. What would the town think if they found out about Elle’s past? How would it affect me? What would happen if the town found out about my dad?

  If I wanted people to judge me on the person I was now, shouldn’t I do the same for Elle? She’d never given me any indication she was a cheater or untrustworthy. She was interested in helping animals, insisting on raising money for Athena’s injuries, interested in helping the rescues, supportive of my decision to have a mobile vet clinic.

  She didn’t seem like the same person who said and did nasty things on TV. Maybe it was a role she played like she said.

  I wanted Elle to be upfront about her past even though I hadn’t been with mine. I hadn’t been upfront with anyone in my life: Elle, Henry, or Ed.

  I should talk to Ed, explain why it was so important for me to make a home here. I called him, leaving a voicemail when he didn’t answer, asking if he could meet me in the office early Monday morning. I needed to talk to Ed before I talked to Elle.

  Gray: I want to talk too. Can we meet on Monday evening after work? There’s something I need to take care of first.

  Elle: Of course. Thank you.

  Her relief came through over the text.

  I wanted nothing more than to hear her voice, to hold her hand as she explained everything. This time, I’d listen. I just hoped what she had to say didn’t make me feel differently about her.

  Monday morning, I went to the office early to speak to Ed. I’d tossed and turned all night, wondering if I was making a mistake in telling Ed the truth. The vision of a future with Elle, free of my past, motivated me to go through with it. Henry and Elle were understanding. Hopefully, Ed would be the same.

  Guilt weighed heavily on me that I hadn’t been willing to listen when Elle told me her story. I hoped Ed would give me the benefit of the doubt I hadn’t with Elle.

  I paused in Ed’s doorway, my limbs stiff.

  Ed looked up from his computer. “You wanted to see me?”

  I closed the door, sitting across from him. “There’s something I have to tell you.”

  He turned to face me. “It sounds serious.”

  I clasped my fingers tightly together. “It is. It could affect the clinic, what you think of me.”

  Ed waited patiently for me to continue.

  I swallowed around the ache in my throat. “My father is in federal prison, serving time on charges of money laundering. I haven’t had contact with him since I was eighteen. I was living with him when his house was raided by the feds.”

  Ed’s eyes widened. “You’ve never talked about it.”

  “No. I only recently told Henry and then Elle.” I couldn’t tell what Ed was thinking. Was he shocked? Disappointed?

  “I don’t want my past to affect you or the clinic. My dad’s up for parole. He might be in the news again. People might put it together, figure out I’m his son. It could be bad for you. I understand if you don’t feel comfortable selling the business to me.” My heart pounded in my chest as I waited for his response.

  He crossed his arms over his chest. “Why are you telling me now?”

  “Partly because my dad’s name could be in the news again, but also, something about Elle’s past came up this weekend. It blindsided me, made me think she wasn’t the person I thought she was. I don’t want my past to become an issue. I don’t want you to think you made a mistake in selling the business to me.

  “More importantly, I wanted you to know that Telluride is my home. I want to buy a house. I have plans for the clinic. I hope my past doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass, but I have no way of knowing.” I sighed, adding the hardest thing I’d ever had to say, “Even if you don’t want to sell the clinic to me, I’m staying.”

  Ed steepled his hands, considering me. “I’m glad you told me. I’m sure some of my older clients might have an issue with it.”

  I nodded, my stomach dropping. “I completely understand if you want to sell to someone else.”

  Ed’s gaze was steady on me. “Gray, you’ve impressed me over the years, but I worried you worked too hard. You never really settled here, not until you met Elle. She’s good for you. I hope she makes you see there’s life outside this clinic.”

  “She does.” She did.

  “I don’t know what happened in her past to have you questioning her. I don’t need to know, just like I don’t need to know your past to know what kind of person you are today. You aren’t your father, or what he did. You’re hardworking, conscientious, and caring. I wouldn’t feel comfortable handing my business to anyone other than you.”

  I was prepared to tell him I understood. I was okay with his decision to let me go. I was prepared to walk out of here, looking for another job. My mind scrambl
ed to catch up to what he was saying.

  The thing that stood out to me was that he wasn’t surprised. He didn’t take any time to think about it. “How long have you known?”

  “Since you started. I looked into you. I wanted to hire someone with the potential to take over the business. You were young yet determined. I wanted to make sure there wasn’t a reason you wouldn’t be a good candidate.”

  “If you knew, why did you hire me?”

  Ed shook his head. “You went to college then vet school, moved here, and you were friends with the Rigbys. There was no blemish on your record. There was no reason for me to think you were bad for the clinic. I wanted to give you a chance to prove yourself and you have.”

  “I don’t understand.” He knew. He always knew, and it didn’t matter. An uncomfortable feeling washed over me. If Ed could judge me on the person I was now, I should do the same for Elle.

  “You’re a good person. You’re not a reflection of your father. I’m sure Elle and Henry told you that.” He spoke each word carefully as if he wanted it to sink in.

  “They did.”

  “Believe them. Believe me.”

  I’d felt tainted by my father’s actions since I was eighteen. Logically, I knew I wasn’t a criminal but the shame, guilt, and shock stayed with me. I feared it was only a matter of time before it caught up to me. Then people wouldn’t find me worthy. I was so busy looking backward, I hadn’t looked to the future. I hadn’t even thought I deserved one. That’s why I spent so much time working. It’s all I thought I was good for. I didn’t deserve the same committed relationships as other people did. I held on to Henry, knowing deep down I didn’t deserve his friendship.

  Elle needed me. She needed my support. I wasn’t there.

  I stood. “I have someone I need to talk to.”

  I had appointments. I couldn’t leave, but I needed to talk to her now.

  I wanted to leave Ed’s office to get to her. I couldn’t believe I’d waited all day yesterday to speak to her. I’d sat at the Rigbys’ dinner table pretending everything was okay when it was the opposite. The whole day of appointments stretched before me, a barrier to talking to her, to making things right.

  I tilted my head slightly. “Thanks for listening to me.”

  “I’m here for you, Gray, whether you want me to be or not.”

  “Thanks.” I was grateful to Ed for being one of my supporters, one I’d overlooked. He’d watched out for me in his own way. He held off on selling me the business because he wanted what was best for me. He knew I wasn’t living my best life.

  I started to walk out of his office, hoping this evening wasn’t too late to talk to Elle.

  “Don’t you have something to ask me?”

  I paused, my hand on the doorframe, looking back at him. “No.”

  “You don’t want to ask me if I can take your appointments so you can talk to Elle?”

  Had Alice told everyone about the show? “How do you know about Elle?”

  He gave me a pointed look. “You said something from her past came up. It has you questioning yours, so it must be something important. Did you screw things up with her when she needed your support?”

  I hadn’t thought about what my withdrawal of support would mean for her. She was worried her secret would get out. That there would be gossip and it would affect her business. What must she be feeling right now? I’d abandoned her when she needed me. The feeling of someone needing me, depending on me, took hold. “I have to see her now.”

  “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.” He stood, placing a hand on my shoulder. “I’ll take care of things here. You go get your girl.”

  “I will. Thanks, Ed.”

  He nodded. “Now get out of here.”

  I hoped I wasn’t too late. That Alice hadn’t convinced her she had nothing left here to fight for. I took long strides to my truck, not pausing when Anne asked where I was going. All I could focus on was that Elle might have already decided to go back to LA, the show, and her old life. That was the last thing I wanted.

  I hoped that when she said she wanted to stay, she was telling the truth.

  Chapter 24

  Elle

  * * *

  I went through the motions at work on Monday, knowing I would see Gray soon. I wasn’t sure if I should look forward to clearing the air or dread it. His reaction at the bar didn’t give me much hope.

  The weekend had been tortuous. I went through the motions, going to Crew’s training class, my mind replaying the scene at the bar, Gray walking away from me. Piper came over for Sunday night dinner, saying Gray was at her family’s home. I felt bad she’d missed it so she could support me, but not enough to send her away.

  I wanted to ask her if she knew what Gray needed to take care of, but I couldn’t. It felt too middle school. Too much like the old Giselle. I’d wait for us to talk on Monday evening. Hoping it wasn’t to say he wanted nothing to do with me.

  Monday morning at the shop was slow, so I told Piper to take an early lunch. I was taking down the Halloween decorations, putting them into storage boxes when the bell over the door rang.

  “Are you leaving?”

  I looked up, surprised to see Gray, confused about his question. He still wore his white coat, his air tangled as if he’d been running his fingers through the strands the whole way over. My stomach sank as I stepped down from the stool. “No. I don’t want to, but if it’s what you want…”

  He looked around the shop as if he were looking for potential witnesses for what he was about to do, rip my heart out.

  I wrapped my arms around my stomach. The thought of not living here, the one place that felt safe, that was mine, stole my breath. I looked around at the barbershop. The idea of closing left a gaping hole in my chest.

  “No.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t understand.”

  I didn’t understand the all-encompassing pain spreading from my chest to my extremities or what he was doing here when we were supposed to talk later. Whatever the reason, it couldn’t be good. He probably didn’t want to wait any longer to sever ties with me. I wasn’t ready for this conversation. I never would be.

  Gray shook his head slowly. “I’m screwing this up. I wanted to talk to you about what happened at the bar. I talked to Ed this morning. I told him about my past.”

  “That’s great, Gray.” My words were carefully measured, unsure where he was going with this conversation. “I don’t see how—”

  He interrupted, not acknowledging my words. “I knew after I talked to him, I had to talk to you. I had this overwhelming desire to fix things. To make things right. To listen to you. I wasn’t ready to talk to you on Saturday, but I am now.”

  I closed my eyes against his words, needing confirmation that we would be okay more than my next breath. “I explained everything to you at the bar. You weren’t ready to listen.”

  “I am now.”

  I was disoriented. Him showing up here. The disjointed conversation. Why was he more willing to listen now than he was on Saturday? “I’m not even sure where to start.”

  The reality was I was afraid to lay myself out there again. I’d begged him at the bar to stop and listen to me. He hadn’t. I wasn’t sure I could get over the feeling of watching him walk away, ignoring my pleas. If this was a repeat of Saturday night, my heart would shred into tiny strips I’d never be able to put back together. Somehow, I’d survive like I always had.

  “I think we need to clear something up first. What do you want? Do you want to move to LA, do another show? If that’s what you really want, I won’t stop you.”

  “No, Gray. That’s not what I want.” I took a few steps toward him, my hand outstretched. When I reached Gray, he grabbed my hand, pulling me close. I reveled in his nearness, something I thought I’d never feel again.

  I felt hopeful and wary. I lowered my lashes, hiding the swirling emotions.

  “What do you want, Elle?” He tipped my chin up with his
finger.

  Tears filled my eyes. “I want you. I want a life, here in Telluride, with you. This place,” I touched his chest, “you are my safe place. My escape from my past. I made a new life here.”

  “What about Alice? How does she fit in?”

  “I can’t believe she came here to tell everyone about my past. I wanted to hide it forever, never acknowledge who I was, or what I’d done. I asked her not to tell anyone else, and she said she wouldn’t. But she was right to out me to you. I wasn’t being honest with you. I need to ask for forgiveness, be transparent going forward, and hope you can forgive me.”

  His expression was pained. “I’m sorry I reacted without listening to you first. I have so many questions.”

  My smile felt brittle. If I spread my lips any wider, they’d crack wide open. “Do you want to go somewhere quiet to talk?”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you the other night. I’m ready to now if you’re willing.”

  Piper opened the door. “Gray. What are you doing here?”

  Her tone was cold, uninviting.

  I appreciated her loyalty even if I didn’t deserve it.

  “Is Alice here?”

  My lips pressed into a grim line. “No. She left.”

  “She went back to LA?” he asked.

  “That’s where she belongs,” Piper said, taking off her coat, placing the to-go bag of food on the counter.

  “Do you mind handling the shop for a bit so we can talk?”

  Piper’s eyes softened as she looked from me to Gray. “Sure. Holler if you need me.”

  Her veiled threat was clear. She didn’t believe Gray was here to make up. She was worried he would reject me again.

  Gray followed me up the steps to my apartment. When I opened the door, letting Crew out of his crate, he danced around, happy to see us, oblivious to the emotions swirling, dread, hope, fear, and love. We turned to face each other in the kitchen, an awkward silence between us.

  “What do you want to know?” I licked my lips, my eyes darting around the room, not settling on any one thing.