by Banks, R. R.
“I appreciate your concern, Aidan. I really do,” I say. “You're right, I do feel a deep connection to you. But, this is my problem to deal with. And I'll deal with it. This isn't your problem to –”
“Katie, I –”
I hold my hand up to stop him. “No,” I say. “Like I said, I appreciate your concern. I'll handle it though. I don't want you anywhere near Victor. I know you have friends, but he does too. And they are bad people who do even worse things. And if anything happened to you because of me, I couldn’t bear that anymore than you could if something were to happen to me. I can’t stand to see that happen. So, just let me deal with it.”
He lets out a long breath and runs a hand through his hair. I can tell he wants to argue. I know, deep down, Aidan just wants to protect me. Unlike Victor, he’s doing all of this because he cares about me. He doesn’t want to control me, or manipulate me into doing what he wants.
This isn't really his fight, though. It's mine. And I've been living too long in the shadow of fear. If nothing else, Victor's phone call served as a wake-up call for me. It’s time to finally close that chapter of my life and move forward, rather than just cowering and hiding from it, hoping it will solve itself and go away.
It will never go away. Victor, will never go away. Not unless I make him.
“Just let me handle it, Aidan,” I say, firmly and with a core of steel in my voice. “I'll deal with it.”
He gives me a long look and then a small nod. “Okay,” he says. “I'll let you deal with it in your way. Just know that I'm always here to help.”
“Thank you,” I reply and give him a smile. I feel a little more emboldened and powerful than before. “And as for us, I want to explore things between us more. No pressure, of course, but maybe we can just – see where this goes.”
The smile on Aidan's face transforms him from angry-looking mountain man to a far softer, kinder person.
“You know? I think I'd like that,” he replies softly. “I think I'd like that a lot.”
Hearing those words is almost enough to push out all the fear and dread circling inside my heart.
Almost. There's still the other matter to deal with, and now seems like the optimal time. Or, at least, a less crappy time.
“Before you go any further with that, I need to tell you something,” I say. “Something that might change your thinking about everything.”
“Please tell me you're not married or something,” he says and chuckles.
“Hardly.”
My pulse is racing, and my heart is beating so hard, I feel like I'm on the verge of passing out. My throat is suddenly dry, but my palms are absolutely drenched with sweat. I’ve never felt this nervous in all my life.
“Hey,” Aidan says gently, touching my hand, his voice filled with concern. “What is it?”
I struggle to find a way to make the situation sound more palatable, and less – hell, I don't know – shocking? I don't know how to phrase it in any other terms but the harsh truth, so I go with what I know.
“I'm pregnant, Aidan,” I say flatly. “I'm pregnant, and it’s yours.”
His eyes grow wide, and his mouth falls open. He runs a hand across his face and looks away. I see his face darken, his expression change, and I can practically see the cogs in his brain turning in his head.
“Wow,” he says. “We even used protection.”
“Well, it obviously failed.”
“Obviously,” he says and chuckles. “You're sure?”
I feel my cheeks flush. I'm immediately insulted and put on the defensive by his insinuation. My eyes narrow and I ball my hands into fists. The nerve of him to suggest that I'm someone who sleeps around – is infuriating. Beyond infuriating, really.
“You are the only man I've slept with in a very long time, Aidan. Frankly, I can’t believe that –”
He laughs, a short, barking noise, and shakes his head, cutting me off before I can really get started. Aidan holds up his hands in mock surrender, the wide smile on his face shocking the hell out of me.
“Not what I meant,” he says. “Sorry for not putting it better or being more clear. I was only asking if you're sure you're pregnant.”
“Oh. Sorry. I thought – well, it doesn't matter what I thought. But yes, I'm sure,” I answer. “The question is – what are we going to do about it? I just felt like you should know, since it is your child and all, and I wanted you to have a voice. I mean, we have some decisions to make, and I thought it best we do it together.”
“And I appreciate that. A lot,” he says. “This is really blowing my mind right now, and honestly, I don't know what to think of it. I can't wrap my head around it all.”
“That's understandable,” I say. “It's a lot.”
“I'm just sorry you had to bear the weight of this alone,” he says.
I shake my head. “I haven't known long,” I say lamely.
I have to say, his demeanor is surprising me. He's shocked. Obviously. But, he doesn't seem defensive or hostile. And he's not running out the door. If anything, he seems oddly – peaceful?
“What are we going to do, Aidan?” I ask, cringing at the note of panic in my voice.
He gives me a thousand-watt smile. “Well, I guess we're going to raise a child.”
I look at him, wide-eyed, and swallowed hard. “Are you serious?”
He shrugs. “If you'll have me,” he says. “This has totally caught me by surprise. It's the last thing I expected when I showed up here today, to be honest. But, I'm going to do right by you, and our child, Katie. I don't ever want you to –”
“And I want you to know you aren’t obligated to do anything,” I say. “The last thing I want is to be a burden on you. I'm okay raising this child on my own, I just –”
“You always anticipate the worst-case scenario first, don't you?” he says, and laughs.
I feel myself blush. “Yeah, I guess I do that. Sometimes.”
“Listen, I wasn't expecting this. But, you're not a burden or an obligation,” he explains, a gentle smile on his handsome face. “I was serious when I said that you're special to me, Katie. I really, truly think so. I haven't felt the way I do about you for a long, long time. And I was serious when I said I also want to explore this thing between us. This doesn't change that. I can't promise you anything. I don't know how things will end up between us. But, I want to try. If I closed myself off to you, I’d regret it for the rest of my life. In a way, I feel like this is what was supposed to happen. I mean, what are the odds? We were together once, and we used protection – and you still end up pregnant? Really, what are the odds of that?”
“Yeah, that's exactly what Jessa said.”
My heart is filled to the point I fear it might burst. Warm, salty tears well in my eyes and streak down my cheeks. Aidan reaches out and gently brushes them away. The smile on his face is radiant, and one I've never seen on his face before. It's almost like he’s radiating happiness from within.
It is not the reaction I expected – not even close. But, I can't say I'm unhappy with it. In fact, I'm over the moon about it. But, me being me, my mind automatically goes to the dark place, and casts a pall over everything.
“What if it doesn't work out between us, though?” I ask.
“No matter what happens, I promise that you and our child will want for nothing. Ever.”
“It's not about material things, Aidan,” I say.
“I know that,” he says. “I just want you to know that no matter what happens between us, you'll be taken care of. I promise you that.”
I'm not going to lie, knowing that I won’t have to worry about the financial aspect of raising a child alone eases my mind quite a bit. I honestly don't know if I could do it on a waitresses' salary, such as it is. Knowing that Aidan, no matter what, will step up and make that a non-issue, takes a load of worry off my mind.
Honestly, I was dreading telling him. I read a bunch of newspaper stories about rich men who will hire a veritable army of law
yers to refute paternity. I'd be lying if I said that wasn’t a concern floating through my head.
But, I shouldn't be surprised that Aidan says he'll step up. He's a good man with an even kinder heart. I shouldn't have ever doubted him. But, just like he said, my brain automatically goes to the worst-case scenario. Of course, the month of radio silence after sleeping together did nothing to ease my fears.
At least I won't have worry about that. But, I want more than a guy who cuts a check once a month. I want Aidan. Very much.
“As for us,” he says. “I promise to give you everything I have. Everything I can. You're special, Katie. You've touched something deep inside of me, and I want to explore that. I truly do.”
“I do too, Aidan,” I say.
“I just want you to know, it might not be easy. I know I can be – difficult. I've got a lot of baggage. I've got issues. I know that. I just need you to be sure this is what you want. I need you to go into this with an open heart.”
“We've both got issues, Aidan. You're not unique in that,” I say and chuckle. “We can tackle them. Together.”
He pulls me into a tight embrace. Aidan makes me feel so loved and cared for. I have no idea where this is going. I never expected to have another chance at love in my life. Not really. But, it's here. And I'm going to let it all ride. As scary as that is.
“We're going to have a baby,” he says. “I'm going to be a dad. That's crazy.”
I lay my head on his shoulder and let the warm, happy feelings continue to wash over me.
“For whatever it's worth, I think you'll be great,” I say. “I think any child would do well with you as a role model. You're a good man, Aidan Anderson.”
Aidan pulls me into a kiss that's filled with love, passion, and best of all, hope.
Aidan
“I'm proud of you, Aidan,” Brayden says, a wide smile on his face. “I have to be honest, I'm shocked as hell, but I'm really proud of you. That's a great step forward.”
Christ, if he only knew. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. It's one reason why I almost didn't take his call this week – I know I need to tell B about the pregnancy, but I'm not quite ready yet.
I nod at his image on the computer screen, a soft smile touching my lips. He's beaming after hearing me talk about Katie, and the direction things seem to be headed in – or actually, the direction things are going, now that she's pregnant.
Honestly, it's as surprising to me as it is for Brayden. I never expected to feel this attached to anybody again, let alone someone as wonderful as Katie. It just came out of the blue. But, it doesn't feel bad, or wrong. It feels – right. Natural.
And although I'm still struggling with feelings of guilt and betrayal, like I'm doing something wrong, that internal struggle has lessened a bit. The tight grip the past has had on me for so long seems to be finally starting to loosen. I'm not sure what I think or feel about it at this point, but I don’t view it as a negative thing.
Though I haven't had much time to stop and really analyze it, it feels as if something inside of me has changed – even before the pregnancy. That only seemed to solidify it in my own mind. It's like some switch got flipped somewhere and is shining a bright light into the darkest corners of my soul. That might be a slightly overdramatic way of saying it, but that’s honestly how it feels.
Whatever it is, has finally allowed me to start moving forward with my life. Maybe, it was talking with Davis. Maybe, it was my brothers pushing me to rejoin the world. Maybe, it's Katie. Maybe, it was a combination of all that and more things I haven't even considered at this point. I really don't know.
All I do know is that I want things with Katie to work out. And now that she's carrying our child, I want it even more.
Maybe it's an exaggerated thing to say, but I feel like some of the dark, oppressive thoughts weighing me down since Maddy died has lifted. Like that icy grip of grief squeezing my heart tight has loosened. Not completely, but enough to make a difference.
“She's in trouble though,” I say.
A shadow crosses Brayden's face. “What kind of trouble?”
“The abusive ex kind,” I explain.
“How bad is it?”
I shrug. “I don't know really. She's not really open about things, and doesn't talk –”
“Sounds familiar,” Brayden cracks. “I can see why you two fit together – you apparently have a lot in common.”
I give him the finger, but laugh. “Screw you.”
“Eat me,” he says.
We laugh for a moment, but then my mood darkens a bit as I think about Katie and what she's going through. I don't like that she's isolating herself and refusing my help out of pride. Because that's what it all boils down to – pride.
Even though I've barely scratched the surface, and there's so much I don't know about Katie – I’ve realized she is fiercely independent and doesn't want to feel indebted to anyone. She shuns legitimate offers of help, preferring to handle things on her own. I can understand and respect that, but she needs to understand that allowing others to help you isn't weak. It's actually a sign of strength. It's okay to be overwhelmed and need help. It's natural. It's part of the human experience.
Her years with Victor obviously inflicted some deep wounds, that made her so unwilling to take a hand when its extended to her.
“Anyway, the abuse itself was bad, but she escaped that over a year ago,” I say. “He's apparently tracked her down now, though. Called her a couple of days ago and threatened her. I don't know if he actually knows where she's at, or if he's just rattling her cage and trying to get into her head again. She's downplaying it all, but I have a bad feeling about this, B.”
“Shit, Aidan. What are you going to do?”
I shrug again. “At this point, I really don't know,” I say. “She wants me to leave the guy alone and stay out of it.”
A grin tugs at one corner of Brayden's mouth. “Let me guess. You’re not going to, are you?”
“Hell no,” I say and laugh. “Maybe, it's too early to think something like this, let alone say it, but I kind of feel like I’ve been offered a second chance here, Brayden.”
“What do you mean?”
I let out a long breath. “I just – I couldn't protect Maddy and she –”
“Dude, that wasn't your fault,” he says. “There's no way –”
I hold up my hand to stop him. “I know that. I understand that. At least, I do now,” I admit. “I still fight with that sometimes, but I think I'm finally starting to accept it.”
“That's great to hear, brother,” he says. “That’s another step forward.”
“Yeah,” I say and feel the familiar rush of grief coursing through me. “Anyway, I may not have been able to stop what happened to Maddy, but I won’t let anything bad happen to Katie.”
Brayden nods, an inscrutable look on his face. “Not to sound like an insensitive asshole or anything –”
“But, it's what you're good at,” I say and grin.
“Fuck off,” he laughs. “I just want to make sure you understand that you don’t need to prove anything. Doing this won’t bring Maddy back. You're not going to even out some cosmic scale or anything.”
“Duh. I know that,” I reply. “I know this isn't going to change what happened to Maddy. But, it might help change how I feel about it. Instead of being powerless to do anything to protect her, being able to take control and fucking do something productive will help me close that chapter of my life. Maybe, I can finally lay those old ghosts to rest. Once and for all.”
He looks at me, and even though we're hundreds and hundreds of miles apart, it's like he can see into my soul. Brayden knows that I'm hiding something. My stomach is churning, and my heart is thundering in my chest. I know we're coming to a point in the conversation where I confess – or, at least, figure out a way to kick the can down the road for a while.
“What aren't you telling me, little brother?” he finally asks.
“Don'
t know what you're talking about.”
“Right,” he says and laughs. “Come on. Out with it.”
I sigh and look down, fidgeting with my hands. I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears, and the adrenaline running through my system as my entire body hums with nervous energy.
“You might as well tell me, Aidan,” he says. “You know I'll get it out of you one way or another.”
A rueful grin touches my lips. I look up and see his eyes probing me, searching for clues as to what’s on my mind. I decide it’s better to stop playing games, cut the shit, and tell him the truth.
“So, Katie's pregnant,” I say. “With my child.”
Brayden's eyes widen, and his jaw drops open so wide, it looks almost comically exaggerated. It's such a funny picture I quickly screenshot it – to have it on hand and use against him later.
“What?! She’s pregnant?”
I nod. “I'm going to be a dad,” I say. “Can you believe it?”
“Wow,” he says. “No baby steps for you, man. You just dive right into the deep end of things, don't you?”
I smirk at him. “I'm as shocked as you are. As Katie was. I mean, we were safe about it and everything.”
“Damn,” he says. “What are the odds of that happening?”
“Yeah, that's kind of what everyone is saying,” I say.
“Whoa. That is just not what I expected to hear tonight,” he says.
“Not what I expected to tell you tonight, either,” I reply.
“Fair enough,” he says. “How are you feeling about it?”
“Honestly? Freaked the fuck out,” I say. “What in the hell do I know about being a dad?”
He chuckles. “Nothing. But, how would you? You learn as you go,” he says. “You're going to fuck up now and then, but you'll be great at it. I know you better than anyone, Aidan, and you’ve always wanted to be a dad.”
That was true. Back when I was engaged, I dreamed of having children that I could play ball with, go to parent-teacher nights for, and be a coach for their team – all that stupid, silly suburban bullshit. I wanted it badly. I thought that dream died with Maddy. But, when Katie told me she was pregnant, I was shocked to find that wish burned as bright as ever.